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female
age
51-59,
*emé'oono
writes: Well, I've been writing on this same topic for 3 years now...for background read my other 2 posts...It is now 2009. A lot has changed in my life. I am still very much in love with my soul mate. However, he has now left the state. Before he moved away, we were separated for a year with him away with his job. We stayed in contact and we know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Now that he's moved, we are desperate to be together again.I've told my husband that I am done. Someone struck a serious chord when they said I had self-esteem issues and another person said I must be a great actress. I have both of these problems...I have serious self-esteem issues that stem from my marriage. Waiting this out and living with my husband has shown me exactly what my issues are and that my husband isn't all he was cracked up to be. When I finally decided to tell him that I was done it was because I can't stand to have sex with him any more. He has objectified me for too long and I feel used up. I know that sounds self serving and like a cop out but...I guess saying that he knows that I have been having an affair behind his back and he blames himself for pushing me into another mans arms will suffice.I now know that all of these years I have blamed myself for not being what he needed when in reality I never could be. I ballooned up to 250lbs because of the stress I was going through trying to be something I didn't want to be. I've now lost that weight because I know what I want and I'm happy with my decision.Well, so I finally did it. I told him I'm through and that I want a divorce and he is promising me that he can make me happy that he can and will change. He knows I am in love with someone else yet he says all he wants is me, that he can't see growing old with anyone else, that he believes in our marriage and that we are meant for each other.I don't believe that he will change even though he is making enormous efforts...it's nauseating to watch and be subjected too. It's what I wanted from him all of these years but now it just seems so fake and condescending. Why now after I've finally decided that I'm done and want to be happy. I feel like I need to tell him that I can't do it anymore and that I need out NOW. I told him that I would think about it because I feel I owe it to 20 years of marriage and my 13 year old daughter. But every day it gets harder and harder to bear and I find I get more and more bitter. I don't want to resent him and I don't want him to resent me. I still 'like' him...especially now that he's trying to be the guy I fell in love with....but I don't love him anymore. Is it better to just get out now??To answer the questions on the other side, Yes, my soul mate is in the process of divorcing his wife too. He too decided that he could not be without me. He and his wife have serious trust issues too.I have suffered a lot of heartache and happiness within this last few years...I know what I want but I hate that I'm hurting my husband. He's not an awful guy he just has some issues that need to be worked out. He's trying to change but for me it is just to little to late. I know what I want and he is not it.So, am I justified or am I just reasoning it away? I know there will be questions. I'm not ashamed of what I've done and I told my husband that. I told him that finding my soul mate was worth all the pain that I've gone through.
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affair, divorce, fell in love, soulmate, want to be happy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (6 August 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have started saving money to make my transition. Honestly, he has become a little unpredictable and I am a little nervous about how he is going to respond. However, I have decided that I'm telling him tonight that the trust is gone on both sides and I can't continue in this way. I want to be friends but am afraid that too much has happened.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 August 2009):
 Have you started the process?
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (4 August 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has already started the process, lives in his own place. They had their own problems that had nothing to do with he and I.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 August 2009):
If you are positive your marriage is over then you need to separate from him and file for divorce. Leave your "soulmate" alone, totally alone. Let him either dissolve or try to rebuilt his own marriage. In other words let him decide ON HIS OWN what he is going to do. Until he has his divorce papers in his back pocket, a woman with honor and integrity wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole. Try to be that woman.
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (4 August 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the record, I didn't involve myself with a 'married' man. I involved myself with a swinging couple and happened to find my soul mate.
and as for the 'tone' of my message darling, it is not vindication I seek, it's making sure that I'm not alone in my thinking. I am smart enough to know that my mind could be clouded but if I put the facts out there then someone might be able to either tell me I'm wrong and here is the truth of the matter OR they can tell me I'm right and need to leave OR they might tell me that I am reading to much into all of this and should just chill.
I can't believe I have to EXPLAIN the reason for coming to an ADVICE column...sheesh.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): my darling what do you want from us - from the tone of your mail you feel that we owe you something. what indeed. vindication? it seems like your mind is already made up so what gives................ tone, darling , tone of the message.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): I (the anonymous first poster) have to apologise. I didn't realise the full story. Taking everything else into consideration now I have to say I'm surprised that you were with your husband for so long to begin with. In this case you really should leave your husband.
As for your lover, you shouldn't have involved yourself with another married man to begin with. At best you should wait until his divorce is finalised.
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (4 June 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI find it oddly humorous that the two folks that SLAMMED me are 'anonymous'....ha....
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female
reader, hemé'oono +, writes (4 June 2009):
hemé'oono is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, so far there has been no one that actually read that HE is the one that says he pushed me into someone elses arms...save EBM...I took full responsibility and he took it away from me because when I told him how I felt he knew that he had caused it. I never said I didn't do anything wrong and I can understand everyone judging me but you don't know the half of it. Go read the 'rest of the story'.When you get to the part about the 'lifestyle' and judge me some more...then I will tell you the REAL rest of the story. Heck, I'll just tell you right now....My husband and I were 'in' the lifestyle but not in the sense that most couples are in it. Yeah, we did the couple thing sometimes...but the true grit of it was my responsibility to make my husband find me sexy. My husband sent me out to sleep with other men and bring that story home to him to tell during sex. I was not enough for him but the thought of another man screwing me was enough to make him bust a nut.Now...Bring the rest of your 'she tripped and accidentally fell onto his penis' shit on....No, I didn't trip...I was actually pushed and found someone that told me I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Someone that said my husband was crazy to push me into doing the things I was doing. Someone who showed me just how warped my relationship was....Someone who helped me find that I truly have worth while I helped him find his too. Someone who connected with me on a level that no one else ever has or will again I am sure. It's odd to spend your life with someone who you think loves you and then find out what love really is and know that you can't live without it.Can a person who treats someone like that truly change?? And can a person who was treated like that ever trust that person again or want to have sex with them again??So...who is to blame now? I guess I didn't want to bash him but you don't know him and never will so you need the whole truth to actually be able to help me know if I'm justified or not. So, I've included the links from years back when I didn't know I had some worth...when I thought that I had to do these things in order to be loved!!http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-i-leave-my-family-it-will-cause.htmlhttp://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-just-a-phase-that-i-should.html
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): i am not even going to add too much to this. i think the poster wants justification for her affair with this married man. i read her nonsense and acknowledge how self serving she is. does she regret her affair.no. has she messed with her familyd life and her married lovers life. yes. she is bullshitting herself with all her crap. THIS READER KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT PAIN, SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT SACRIFICES. SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT FIDELITY. she has convinced herslef that she is right and nothing anyone here will say will make any difference. pathetic attempt to justify f*cking up everyones life. i am recalling GrimmReality's famours words now. "Kick him to the curb" why doesn't her hb do just that . she is not worth it. in fact she is welcome to her married lover. i just say do not build your happiness on someone elses heartache and pain. these two are doing just that and well i think we all know the outcome of this mess. just deserts for her, thats all. i actually find it comical how she blames her hb for everything, driving her into another mans arms.........yes he accidently tripped her and she fell onto her lovers penis. and her lover divorcing his wife because of trust issues. i wonder why trust is an issue in his marriage. comical and actually funny! reads like a comic unrealistic story.babes, your hb needs his head read. he should just be done with you. he deserves better. you are actually delusional and sadly you are not even aware of your self delusion.but as i said before nothing anyone here says will matter to you. you have made your bed, go lie on it with your lover..........ooops i forgot, you already have!
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (4 June 2009):
You're Pathetic .... "Did that strike a nerve? I hope so"
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Oh yeah, sure it's his fault that he drove you into another man's arms, absolutely. It was your husbands fault that you didn't communicate about his issues, he had it coming to him to be cheated on and have 3 years of his life taken away into another man's arms. You go on ahead and think of your own happiness and only yours.
Congratulations you've convinced yourself that your cheating was inevitable and justified.
Seriously, what did you think you husband would try and do after finding that he's about to lose the person who he loves? Of course he'd try and change for the better. You left it so late telling him.
I really think you should leave, but let him keep custody of your daughter at the very least. The justice system is extremely unfair and biased towards fathers, which'll leave not only without the woman he loves but without a daughter and a slave to the government paying for child support. You should let your husband at the very least for love of any good left in you have custody of your daughter.
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A
female
reader, EBM2008 +, writes (3 June 2009):
Honestly, I think that you are justfied. I don't understand what you're waiting for. You have thought about it already, and your soul mate is already in the process (hopefully lawyers are already working on it) of divorcing his wife. It's actually kind of cool that you
and your love were in similar broken relationships.
If you do leave your husband, it would be wise to give yourself some "you" time and not jump into a relationship, just yet, to be on the safe side.
I would have liked to read your 2 previous posts but you didn't offer links.
Good luck with everything.
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