A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I came on here before and got some good balanced advice which was really helpful so I've come back again to ask about a problem.I feel really stuck ... in February my partner of 5 years walked out on me whilst I was unwell (it since transpired that i might have either stress related symptoms or possibly a mild form of MS) and I still have yet to get over it, despite joining a dating site and even getting fond of another man.I feel so upset about him being cruel to me. When I met him he was estranged from his wife and there was bitterness between them .. she was seeing another guy who she still sees. I supported him though his divorce and he was often verbally abusive to me during this time.I loved him more than I ever loved any other man before ... and thought was would stay together but during his divorce he got worse and seemed to have a breakdown.There were warning signs early on, ie him calling his ex wife a 'slapper' and a 'bitch' and a 'thick bitch' and eventually he would tell me i was 'thick' and a 'stupid bitch'My friends male and female say i am pretty, loving, intelligent (I studied law and he sneered at me for it all the time .... saying 'for all your big lawyer's brain you are just still a thick bitch' etc etc) but the problem is i have no confidence whatsoever .... he also told me i was a 'fat bitch' on the eve of the wedding of my best friend when i was going to be a bridesmaid ..... (i was size 16 and have been dieting am now a size 14 with medium build 5ft 7 and going towards a 12 again ... but he would still find criticism to make about that ..)The thing is that i loved him so much and he is etched into every day of my memories for five years (he can be loving etc ... and funny and kind but can also be very very nasty as he is insecure in himself i think ..)I just feel unhappy, worried that i will never get over him, the abuse and cruelty, worried about my health (the stress has brought on these attacks the consultant thinks .. and i am having some more tests)We were friends since we split up but again recently he got nasty with me ... and called me a 'bitch'I have no confidence at all with men despite being told am pretty and funny and good company.I feel like I have 'lost my way' and am fearful that it will change me forever .. I feel like part of my soul has got lost ... i thought i would be with him forever and we would work through any problems ..I have tried hard, seeing friends, going to the gym, learning a new language, travelling a bit, joining a dating site but i am just realising now how much he really got to me, into my psyche and how much damage he did.Any advice about how to recover, where to go from here .. I am finding it so hard to see my way forward ... I have two lovely daughters age 20 and 17 both doing fine with studies etc .. but i just feel upset a lot .... or just any general practical advice would be so much appreciated if anyone has a minute or two to spare .. thank you :) x
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a break, best friend, confidence, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, insecure, split up, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): HiYou got some great advice off everyone here and i agree totally. Psychological abuse is one of the hardest to go through and is actually like a physic attack and bit by bit it destroys you and your spirit...BUT hold fast and tight to your future and you will rebuild your life and sense of Self and will be stronger than you can ever imagine, because you walked the path like many of us do and KNOW that love will win.
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Hi HunnyThere is a post on here that has over 400 questions and answers it is the same kind of thing that you have been through and I though to help you, you may find some of the answers and also how the poster has got on during the last I think its 3 n half months now helpfull..It is a long read hun but its worth a look....He's the one who dictates everything now, and I'm so confused!This is the name of the post you will find it on my profile love I hope you can get some help from this just to know your not alone is helpfull in itself I feel ..TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Its horrible isn't it when we feel like we have lost our personality. And in a way we have. But it will be found again. I spent 2 yrs with someone i adored and when we split, and it was my choice for various reasons, i was a lost soul. I missed him big time and to be honest it took me a good 2 years to get over it. The relationship was turbulant and it does knock you confidence and self asteem. February isn't that long ago. You have a way to go yet.
You're doing all the right things by the sound of it, apart from the joining dating sites. I think you need some you time, to find you again. Wouldn't be fair on someone else to take all the baggage from the ex along to the new guy?
But you need to not have any contact with the ex. I didn't have any with my ex for months, and now, 4 yrs on, we say hi once in a blue moon and i wouldn't touch him in that way with a barge pole! I certainly dont think about him even once a week let alone every day, almost all day, like i did when we first split.
You cant see it yet, but you will move on and you will meet someone new eventually. I did. Never thought at the time i would.
C xxxx
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (21 August 2008):
Hi Hunny
You are going through just what I went through and it took me awhile to get myself back to being the secure outgoing bubbly person I used to be. Its a really hard road as you no, As one day you may feel as if you getting somewere and then another day you feel lost in a void again..
First I have suffered with post traumatic stress sinse my marriage. The way you describe your ex is the way my husband used to put me down if there was a way he could he would and it was constant, There was violence with it as well but Ive always said the emotional abuse was more harmfull. Others find this hard to understand, But when you go day after day being told your not worth anything that your hair should be this colour your eyes should be this colour your to fat your to thin your a bitch a slut and so on and so on after 6 yrs you start to feel pretty usless eh!!! I have been as low as I could get and after alot of soul searching I slowely started to realise YES! It was he who was insecure with himself and he did everything in his power to get to me, As long as I was feeling bad he felt better. I loved my husband he was the first man I ever truely loved and I helped him with his problems stood by him was always there..Always there for him to knock down...Men like this never change I realise now that for all the insecurity I went through it was his insecurity not mine he wanted to get at me because he hated his life and he hated the fact that I was outgoing and happy, He like that side of me when we met but he did not want it when we settled and married..
Its 8yrs now and Im so much better but its taken along time to get this far, You need to believe in yourself hunny always. You wanted to be with this person forever and you put all your love into your relationship all your energy into helping him with his problems that along the way you lost yourself as he was just a very bitter twisted man who took from you all he could...You have to believe in you. You have come alot futher than you realise you have been through so much learnt so much. Its now time to realise your own strengths they are most def there love you would not have got as far as you have without them..
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Secrets-of-Emotional-Abuse-Recovery-for-Women&id=189556
I found that after all that negative energy he was using against me it was sometimes very hard to think possitive thought, But this is the key to gaining your self control back and being happy with who you are once again and healing..Always try to think possitive thought about who you are inside and out. As soon as a negative one comes into your head think possative hunny. Its so hard I understand, If I can survive and come through to being the happy more content person I am today TRUST ME ANYONE CAN! :) BELIEVE IN YOURSELF ALWAYS!!!!!!What he ever said to you was out of pure hatred for his own life and situation he didnt want you to be happy when he was so bloody miserable...Does that make sense hun, I hope those links help you. If you ever need a chat message me, ALWAYS HAVE FAITH IN YOU SWEETHEART WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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