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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I hate teen sex comedies. I actually hate the way sex is presented in most western media. And I want to get over this, I want to be ok with it, I wanna enjoy it if it's possible.For example, all this "American Pie" things... where regular ugly guys' lives are about "scoring" with the hottest chicks. I know, puberty, and blah, BLAH! But it's so exaggerated it's not even funny. And I hate feeling like this because I feel like I'm a bitter prude, and I'm no prude, I'm very sexually adventurous in bed, and I enjoy sex, but it just makes me uncomfortable with the stereotypes presented - and how people accept them, and think they're desirable/funny/hot or whatever the stereotype should be (the blonde dumb "hot" girl, the "ugly" fat girl everyone mocks, etc, etc.). And not only sex comedies. Just movies in general.I don't know why it bothers me so much, I guess it's that, that sex and everything else (like beauty standars) are presented in a way that is so strict, so unattainable and so shallow and fake, and society thinks it's acceptable and funny. That it's ok. That it's how things are. I don't enjoy it, I don't think it's funny and I don't think it's acceptable - it sends out the wrong message. Maybe us adults can spot differences, but can the younger ones? I'm fairly mature and even I struggle sometimes because I'm a bit overweight, brunette and was mocked in high school! I'm not in high school anymore, but this thing about bein unattractive still lingers. Even though I have a boyfriend who thinks I'm gorgeous, but he still thinks these comedies are ok and the girls there are supposed to be prettier and "hotter than normal" (his words). This is not about him, it's always made me uncomfortable, I just feel it's wrong. It objectifies women, it makes us feel bad about ourselves. I'm smart, and that gets me nowehre, but if I were a shallow, blonde surgically enhanced airhead with a cute giggle it'd take me miles from where I am now.I know this will sound weird, but I don't feel this way about porn, because porn is just that. And believe it or not, I don't think porn puts such high standards as these movies and media do. Porn is just naked people having sex. But the media shows these harmful stereotypes in a social and emotional context. It's different. Plus while SOME pornstars may have great looks, most are ugly and ordinary looking. Most wouldn't make it in the media that I'm talking about. Porn is honest, at least. It serves it's purpose and it's relatively out of sight. But the films and media that I'm talking about, makes everything seem "innocent" and "acceptable" while throwing all these messages in our face, in a subtle way. It's supposed to be cool, but it's not. Maybe there's not much nudity or explicit sex, but the message is there. It's hard to explain, I hope you understand though.How can I stop feeling like this? I know a lot of people will say to "just get over it", or "women are always complaining about pretty girls on TV, let men enjoy them". I know I sound crazy, and a lot of you will probably think I have issues. But I've tried to "just get over it", and I've tried to accept everything as harmless beauty standards made for men to enjoy, but what happened to true real beauty? Why isn't that showcased? Why does this get to me so much? please, no joking, I struggle with this, so help me and please try not to be insensitive, as that makes me feel more like a freak and worse about me being a weak insecure girl. Thanks. Don't call me a resented, bitter prude please, as I know this is what women are usually called when they talk about these topics.
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female
reader, MissRosie  +, writes (5 July 2008):
 Darling I used to feel exactly the same way as you do. I could have written your question myself! I now simply don't really care about these films since I left being a teenager behind.
The fact is these comedies are meant to be purile and immature. They work on a formula, and a lot of that formula works around the themes that annoy you (ugly girls, hot chicks etc). So I would say you are never going to like these films because they are lowest common denomenator entertainment that you are just too intelligent for, its not about being a prude.
Not to say that the people who like them are all stupid, but they just aren't thinking about it on any other level than omgz boobs!
Take care sweetie, you don't need to change your opinions or values. xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I feel the same way about so much of it, and I'm a guy. I can see the notion of wanting to score but I think my own gender gets too wrapped up in notching the bedpost.
Personally it disgusts me to think of walking around on Saturday night going, "I'm not going home until I at least find some slut to fuck tonight." It's nothing evil, but it's also not reality for most people. I hate to see it being the only form of reality that kids grow up seeing anymore.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 The media is NOT real. It is fake. Just accept that the idea of a commercial break is an idiotic notion. EVERYTHING on TV is a commercial.
But commercials try to sell something don't they? Yes indeed, but what does a commercial for an advertising company try to sell? That's right, commercials.
If you accept that, then the next step is to accept that TV programs are commercials for themselves. Sex in the City HAS to sell itself.
You don't get people to watch Big Brother if they all play scrabble and turn in for an early night because everyone is tired and needs a good nights rest.
You get people to watch by showing sex. Sex sells, are you old enough to have been around when the lesbian kiss was all the rage? Suddenly every program seemed to have female leads snogging because that turned up the ratings. The first few were risky and different but then it was just a rating grabber. In this US this is especially strong because of sweep-week or whatever it is called.
One thing to remember, it ain't just pretty women on tv. How about the image that is presented of how men are supposed to be? That is just as unrealistic. Just how many men can really hold down the kind of job that pays for a TV life style and still have all the time in the world to chase after women and make them feel special? Watch for instance Friends and wonder for a second when the hell any of them is actually earning any money.
Or when Sam Malone in Cheers who is working every night in his own bar with a very small staff actually has time to chase all these women?
It is FAKE, people with lousy jobs have apartments in New York that cost $4000 in rent. Remember that the programs you mention are as stylised and pre-scripted as Columbo or Murder She Wrote. We all know we shouldn't wonder why Columbo is allowed not to wear a gun OR allowed to walk without a partner because THAT is the formula of the show. We all know that we shouldn't ask just how many people you can have murdered in a small town before people flee.
TV is fake. You might as well complain that Red Riding Hood gives an unrealistic image of the eating methods of your average wolf. And kissing a girl who has been asleep for a hundred years? Not until she had a tictac!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I think your writing is more of an article than a problem, perhaps you could put it in the article section?
Take a look at my article "Too much Porn in My Face". I have struggled with the issue of women being stereotyped very much. Differently than you because in my country the oversexualisation of women is becoming oppressive. Porn is not relatively hidden, it is getting everywhere.
More and more women and children are being trafficked into my country to be used in the sex industry. Incidents of violence against women in towns which are now considered centres for the sex industry with associated lap dancing clubs, escorts, advertised sex etc are well documented.
Yet there is this fable around that having sex with a prossie makes you less likely to be violent because men either have to vent sperm-spleen or otherwise they will attack people. Most people paying for sex at lap dancing clubs are men in their 30's who are "happily married".
In all forms it breaks my heart that everyone thinks this saturation is OK and women are told to shut up, or be called hysterical for finding it hurtful. I love sex like you and all men I know have used porn and I don't demonise them for it. It is just becoming TOO main stream, it is in my living room now whether I want it or not.
What you write brings another dimension ro my own feeling of discomfort about the way that women are presented. I do allude to the fact that there are few female role models who have acheived amazing things, unless that is they also look a certain way or present their sexuality as a main feature. Many in films play dumb and run around behind the men.
I loved the new Indiana Jones Film because it had a stonger older woman in it. It made me cry it was so fab! We are not normally allowed to get old either.
I am trying very hard not to take the issues personally, which I do. I think that is the cause of your pain, you take it as an attack on you as on your kind and it causes emotional and physical pain.
If you can see it as a political issue and consider campaigning it may help. I have joined a UK organisation called OBJECT, which is against the oversexualisation of women in the media etc. Perhaps you could find something which fits your particular concerns.
So, are we being cateogorised into being cute twits or whores perhaps? Those who don't fit this stereotype should be pleased but it is so disheartening to see people buy in to it. The film industry is mostly run by men so perhaps it is where they express their fantasy.
I listened to a ducumentary recently about Bollywood and all aspiring stars are expected to have sex with the men casting. No joking, they tell them during the interviews that if they want to the job they will also have to "compromise" (which is the accepted term for having sex) before they are given a contract. If they don't want to another actress is chosen instead who will "compromise".
There in another dimension of wife, daughter, girlfriend which allows women to be put into different species and sub species so that their "use" and portrayal is compartmentalised as a means of justifying such behaviour.
Sorry to all those good people out there who feel the same way, I don't mean to sound like a hater. It is possible to unconsciously subscribe to a sterotyped version of a layer of people without realising and it can have pretty bad consequences. I think I would sum up the feeling I get about the media's portrayal of womanhood as oppressive and I guess I feel personally victimised by it too.
Good luck with your quest to assimilate these feelings into your life. There are not many people who feel so strongly as you, many are shallow, and there may be a reason. Perhaps it is a calling your can't ignore and means you should maybe consider politics as a career. Power to you intellect, we could do with more like you in this world.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): We look how we look, so what if you aren't 'hot'. Too me, all the typical blond hot girls look the same (have you noticed that?) Anyway, you got a b/f, your an adult now. Who cares about how you look? your stuck with yourself so be happy, enjoy your life.
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male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I don't know where you live, but you are perfectly right in your perceptions. I think you have a great mind for seeing through all this rubbish. In fact, you are the kind of girlfriend that a lot of guys would love to have!
The fact is that all literature/movies are created with an audience in mind. The modern terminology is "demographic". Along with some good stuff out there, there is a lot of crap.
Take the category of literature for children, which panders to the thoughts and tastes of children. Some of it is fantastic, some of it is less so. The good stuff appeals to any generation. I believe my grandfather used to love "Anne of Green Gables" and he was certainly not young at the time! There is also some children's literature that librarians love to hate. When I was 12 (a very long time ago!) I took part in a kind competition run by the local library to encourage kids to read books. I was excluded from consideration because I loved Biggles at the time, which the librarians regarded as rubbish (along with Enid Blyton)!
These movies and romantic comedies that you find so shallow are targetted at a certain demographic and pander to the lowest common denominator. When you get older, like me :), you can see how utterly shallow and vapid many of them are, but for most young people they are cool, simply because they deal with the issues and fantasies of that age group. The movie industry creates stereotypes because that's the easiest way to get a big audience and make money.
There is another kind of literature that is equally vapid but is also lapped up by its consumers: romantic fiction written for women (I'm thinking of Harlequin Romances, etc.) This stuff is completely stereotyped and shallow, with certain situations and their resolution all set out in advance (heroine becomes heartbroken due to tragic misunderstanding at page 120, misunderstanding resolved at page 150, etc.). Men find it to be complete rubbish, and yet there are women who will read hundreds of these books one after another. I had a great aunt who loved this stuff as daily bedtime reading into her 60s, even though her husband was lying beside her every night reading something else!
As for getting upset over the puerile stuff that so many younger people love, that's fine and quite justified, but I don't think it's very constructive. Living wherever you are, it's easy to become oppressed by the sameness and blandness of the offerings that inundate your world. My suggestion is to try and find different worlds outside that of "suburban America" or wherever you are situated.
For example, if Hollywood pulp is so annoying, try watching foreign movies. French movies are refreshing because they present quite a different stereotype from Hollywood. Japanese movies, German movies, Chinese movies (kung fu included), Korean soaps (which are wildly popular in Asia and pander to quite different stereotypes from Hollywood), Indian movies... there is a lot of stuff out there that breaks the mould that you find so stifling. Not all of it is good, but at least it is different. Also look for art movies that present a totally different slant from what you'll find in mainstream commercial offerings. Oh, just my suggestion, try "Ten Canoes", an Australian movie set in a time before white contact, telling the story of some Aborigines canoeing across the swamp, one of whom covets one of his older brother's wives. It's about sex, true, but it's nothing like the stuff you're complaining about!
The second thing is to read good literature. Read the Russians (Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, etc.). Read Chinese classics like "The Story of the Stone" (aka "Dream of the Red Chamber"), "Journey to the West", "Romance of the Three Kingdoms", etc. "Story of the Stone" in particular is quite fascinating, with romance and a bit of sex thrown in. But it's also tragic, so be warned. It's nothing like any Western novel. Plus there's Japanese stuff, European stuff... there's so much out there that you can read that will help free your mind from the narrow vision imposed by Hollywood and network TV.
Whatever you do, don't mistake the bland sameness of the stuff that surrounds you for reality. It's not! Use your annoyance as a springboard to something better! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Oh, those movies are so dumb! We got rid of our TV four years ago when we moved, and now we have 3 more hours a day than everyone else! Occasionally we check in on the tube when at a hotel or someone's house, and get startled at the disconnect between reality and TV land.
Just accept that you're not in the demo (which is mainly young men), and if people are talking about the movie, just tune out. Tisha's right-- in 3-5 years your peer group will have outgrown these flicks and you won't have to endure them.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I think I may have a survival strategy for you. If you can't ignore the movies, then take on the role of interested quizzical bystander.
"Oh, you think this movie is really cool? I just didn't see that! I'd SSSOOOOOOO like to hear why you think that this movie is cool."
"I guess I can see why some adolescents might find this movie amusing, can you tell me why YOU think it's soo funny and cool?"
"I must have missed the 'cool' part of the movie, there were some oneliners in there but I've forgotten them already. Can you remind me?"
"I found the movie really kind of boring. The same old jokes and stuff. Why do YOU think it was funny?"
I have to tell you something. In three or four years, when everyone is out of their adolescent hormone thing and have to be 'adult' about things.... you won't seem like a freak. You won't have to adapt or die. You can just ignore the whole thing and you will survive.
I'm quite sure about that. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's just, I feel as I'm the freak. because everyone always says that these movies ae cool, they're not serious, they're no big deal. And I don't like being this freak that doesn't adapt to her reality. because that's the law of survival; you either adapt, or you die. I'm failing to adapt, and no, I'm not gonna die, but i'm already feeling awful about myself because of nonsense.Anyway, thank you, you were very sensitive towards me in your replies. You make important and interesting points. All I wanna do really is either stop caring or start liking this. Not caring about my looks would be nice. To just feel happy with who I am. To not feel inadequate because I'm different from the standards of "cool girl" (not just physically, but also socially). I'm a geek! And geek guys may be cool now, but girl geeks have to be, uh, hot, to be cool. I'm a geek but I ain't hot! Lol...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): There is nothing wrong with you so stop trying to change! You will never think these movies are ok because they are not....they are so stupid it insults my intelligence.The best thing you can do is leave when someone is watching these type of movies.....don't watch them. If your boyfriend rents one, tell him there is something really important that you just thought of and leave. If you do it often enough he may ask "why do you leave whenever I want to watch a movie?" Then you can gently explain that you didn't want to hurt his feelings but these movies are so stupid that it changes your opinion of him being an intelligent, wonderful man knowing that you watch them. Personally, I stopped watching t.v. several years ago and I feel so much sexier, prettier and happy now. The crap that we are force fed isn't worth my precious time on earth. So now instead, I waste my time reading silly advice boards LOLGood luck to you and stop forcing yourself into something your not, a mindless, superficial, bimbo!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 June 2008):
Oh, I'm so happy to hear someone else hates those movies too! The "American Pie" ones especially. Like any movie, they get reviews, but I vote with my dollar. I simply don't go to see them. I don't rent them, I don't buy the DVDs. As far as I can tell, that's the only way to deal with movies like that.
I'm also not a big fan of the horror genre either.
But I have to say that I don't take it personally, I just simply ignore it. It's not worth my time to worry about or debate. Obviously, these films have an audience, or they wouldn't get the funding to be screened.
These films aren't worth getting steamed up about, I think. If your boyfriend thinks that there are attractive girls in them, well, bless him, maybe he's right. But it doesn't have anything to do with you or your relationship to him. Unless he begins to think that the behavior of these fictional characters in these films has any kind of bearing on your relationship.
My way of dealing with them is to not give the film makers any money. At all, no rentals, no DVD sales. That's about all I can do, really. But if enough of us do it, then, maybe the powers-that-be at the film studios won't let the next formulaic no-effort-involved teeny-bopper film go through.
So stop beating yourself up about not looking like the girls in the films. And give your boyfriend some credit for finding you 'gorgeous'... sounds good to me.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (25 June 2008):
 You are not a "bitter prude" and in fact are very much in touch with reality!
About the porn, its the same thing, I have to say. There is a lot out there that objectifies women and falsifies sex. This is where the "rape myth" comes from and also has very serious implications in regards to how people percieve relationships and sex, especially when viewers watch violent pornography.
Aside from that, you do not have to make yourself like these films. If you dont enjoy them, then dont watch them.
Pesonally, when I watch these types of movies, I find it amusing to see how they portray college and teen life, as well as adult life. The romance comedies are the best at inventing fantasy relationships. It's okay to let your mind go into a fantasy world for a while as long as you know it isn't real and your expectations of yourself and others are real (not based on the movies).
These movies are very fake and the fact that it makes you angry is evidence that you are really thinking about real issues in the media.
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