A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just got married less than a month ago and I am having all of these feelings and thoughts that it isn't right. That I made a mistake. He isn't the one. I feel so lost because I have been with him for over 5 years... since I was 19 years old. Don't get me wrong... I love him. I am just not in love with him. I have these overwhelming feelings that I am missing out on so much. I have sacrificed all of my hopes and dreams to be in this marriage that is a constant routine. Work, home, dinner, sleep, repeat. I am only 24 and havent really lived. I have tried to tell him I want to discover who I am but he keeps saying... why didnt you leave before we were married? why cant you give me a chance? He is really reluctant to change. I want to travel and live different places to pursue a writing career. But he is very set on staying where we are now. That it would have to be a 6 figure job to make him move to a big city like NYC. I mentioned possibly moving to VA in the future to be close to my family and he says the same thing and that its not fair for him to move when we live in the place we met.Before we were married, we began going to counseling for trust issues. He is a binge alcoholic and I cheated. I think I got caught up in the whole idea of the wedding and the fantasy honeymoon. I think I only married him because that's what he wanted but not necessarily what I wanted. Maybe part of me thought that it would fix things. But now its back to reality and I don't know what I want.Its also hard to think about leaving because I have no family in town. I have the option on staying on a friends couch for a couple days until I can find a place to stay (she just had a baby last week and lives with her husband, mother and brother in a 2 bedroom apartment... not exactly comfortable), but when I see my husband, I see how much he is hurting and I don't know what to do anymore. When I talk about leaving he gets physically sick and I feel as though I need to stay so he isnt hurting because of me. I am a people pleaser and could never put myself before others.I dont want to tell him this but part of me just wants to move into an apartment with a roommate so I can meet new people, start over with a clean slate that I never had before and start dating other people. What should I do?
View related questions:
alcoholic, roommate, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (15 October 2014):
Sometimes marriage IS a mistake. Many people will tell you to suck it up and stay in it, and go to counseling because Marriage. My own advice is different (having made that same unfortunate, horrible mistake myself once). You only live once, and the only person whose life you have control over is your own. Since there are no kids involved, I think you should go and be happy. He will live. He'll be bitter, but if you stay, you will be miserable and bitter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2014): Funny how we share a similar issue. I have been with my husband for at least 10yrs, married 2yrs. All these time I wanted out but always end up staying bec. He would get all depressed, suicidal and drink (just a bottle or two) when I say I want to leave. This time, I have told him this is the last straw. It's a decision of which weighs more for me: between my happiness or his happiness? Doing the right thing bec. Were married or right thing for me bec. I feel suffocated in this relationship. Don't get me wrong my husband is AMAZING. We just want different things (like you do). Here's my advice (someone told me): Do whatever it takes to make it work for one year, pray for it (if you believe in that bec. God really answers if you're sincere/honest talking to Him), and START going after your dreams (don't worry about what he thinks). I was scared to go after my first love for my career bec. I felt I wasn't good enough. He didn't really inspire me to go for it. This time I didn't listen. I'm a people pleaser too which is a problem. I'm 32 so my options are narrowing down but I want to fight this downward spiral of discontentment I my life. Its not fair to blame it on him bec. I LET it happen. My ADVICE: Go after your dreams, try to make it work with your husband (maybe its not him that's causing you sadness but just yourself), see a counselor, be financially independent and LOVE yourself first. Maybe in a year, things will be clearer for you. DON'T get out of the marriage as quickly as you got in. THINK it through. When it's time (after you've prepared your own future) you'll know if you still want to leave him or not. I told my husband I wanted to leave him bec. He found out that I've been distant. By then, I was getting ready to divorce him after 1.5yr. I got a job, didn't rely on friends, I had a plan to leave the state when the time was right but I just wanted to leave. BUT he begged me to stay and he's changed since. I'm giving myself a year to decide if I can find it in me to stay with him despite the fact that I'm not in love with him anymore. Because he has been there for me through my toughest times. Marriage is sacred but if we KNOW we did our best to make it work first but is just not right, then we won't regret ending it. I just don't want us to make the same mistake next time were with someone else. You're young and you'll meet more guys but what we don't want is to lose the one that actually loved us and accepted us for who we really are and realized too late that we love them too.
...............................
|
