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I get dates but then I think there might be somebody better so I ghost them

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Friends, Online dating, Social Media, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2019) 6 Answers - (Newest, 15 April 2019)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, *avid_the_runner writes:

Hello everyone, I am looking for some help and would be grateful for your opinions.

I'm single and looking for a woman, and I've had 13 dates so far this year. I'm not a fussy guy and I liked 9 of them. With 7 of these 9, I have had second or third dates and then I go silent. It's called "ghosting". It's a bad thing to do, but I've done it.

I do it because I always think "is there someone better?" I can't be sure so I abandon the woman and then go back on line to find another date.

A male friend of mine asked me to write a list of criterion and he said that if I met someone who met my criterion, to go with the woman and delete my dating apps.

But even when I find a woman who scores 10/10, I would delete the app and re install it a day or so later. I think, there may be someone better.

I don't know what to do.

I do know from speaking to a few people that this is a growing phenomenon among men and women.

Can someone suggest any help?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (15 April 2019):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSorry, I don’t think ghosting is fair, regardless of whether it’s 10 dates or 1. If you are going to keep doing this, please have the manners not to ghost people. Rejection sucks, but being ghosted is horrible. It’s hard to open yourself to dating, but being ghosted can genuinely put people off. Don’t be that jerk.

I do think you haven’t found someone you truly connect with, but you also won’t if you go by just a date or two. Not only that, but very few people end up happy with someone who fits 100% of their “ideals”. Nobody is perfect, so they may fit your criteria, but not connect with you. Whereas the person you do finally give a proper chance to may only fit 7 or 8 of your criteria, yet make you really happy and vice versa.

“The grass is always greener” is your current issue. There may be “someone better” FOR YOU, but these women deserve better than to be ghosted. Seriously, OP, it’s damaging to ghost people. If you can’t do the decent thing, don’t date yet or at least warn people that you’ll probably ghost them, so they can steer clear.

Take things slow. Don’t ghost people. Don’t force a connection. Give people a chance. Be patient :)

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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (15 April 2019):

Pepi let pew agony auntCome on man... Ghosting. Man up and tell them your not interested. And if your having sex with these woman i hope your protecting yourself... There is no perfect woman like us men none of us are perfect. Personality and similar interests are what id go for... Goodluck Casper.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2019):

We used to actually go out in to the real world and low and behold a person appeared in front of us, we got to know them a little and tried the dating game. Then if it never worked out we world go out again and again until mother nature sent another mystery our way. We worked at relationships and learnt about relationships. Nothing was at the tip of our fingers, we never had the amount of choices that are here today, nothing was taken for granted and we certainly could not hide behind fake images and jackanories and walk away, if we screwed up we faced it head on and learnt to deal with embarrassment and mistakes.

My point, people are becoming desensitised, and consuming everything up and disregarding it when it does not serve.

The snake that eats its own tale in the end.

Better mobile phones , better TV's, Better Games, better technology, better human beings (on the surface) second point..it's all surface.

Tick boxes just about sum it up.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2019):

Please don't ghost these women. That's a cowardly thing to do. Have the guts to tell them the truth and move on.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2019):

N91 agony auntI know how you feel. I’ve been there years ago. It was as if I was scared to commit to someone because in the back of the mind I thought I could do better. It was bizarre to be honest as I could be in the presence of a really attractive, nice girl and I’d just stop speaking to her because I was worried about being stuck with her when there’s so many other girls out there. It sounds awful to put it in terms like that really, being ‘stuck’ with someone, but that’s how I felt.

I think that just boils down to:

1. Not being ready to settle

2. Not finding the right person

I felt the above viewpoint from around 19-25. I was just moving from girl to girl but always felt the same. Until I met my now GF, in which everything just changed completely. I was actually speaking to another girl a few days before I got chatting to my GF (as in initially speaking, not getting into a relationship) and I dropped the first girl immediately, as I got a feeling right from the off that this girl was different. My feelings turned on their head in an instant and I KNEW that I wanted to pursue this seriously. So all my other previous habits changed and we ended up getting together after about 3 months and we’re now 18 months down the line together. So I feel as though it’s a period you just go through until you meet the right person. I wouldn’t worry about it too much right now and definitely do not FORCE yourself to date people if you don’t feel ready. Enjoy the freedom of being single until you meet the one!

Good luck.

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A female reader, singinbluebird United States +, writes (14 April 2019):

singinbluebird agony auntYou just haven't met right one. Not hearing from someone is fine after 2-3 dates but if they message you, it would be ethical thing and common courtesy to tell them youre not interested so they can know and let things be. But if both parties go quiet, it's safe assume there was no interest on either side.

If it was 5+ dates, better to verbally end things. And yes there can always be someone better out there who is a better match but that's why you continue date and meet new people. 13 dates is few in between since beginning of year. Many people can go on hundreds of date before they meet right person. Its good be picky, a partner should be selected carefully but there is no perfect person.

Never lower your standards but level up your openness and continue to date, the right person will show up at least expected time.

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