A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband went to a birthday party for his friends' wife without me (I knew some of the party attendees, but have not socialized with them in over ten years, not because of a falling out or anything, just because of busy lives). He went to this party while I was sick in bed with the flu. He asked me if I wouldn't mind him meeting up with some high school buddies to play pool. I thought it was great for him to hook up with some old friends he had not seen in a few years, for a few hours and thought he should go.About four months later I was on Facebook and looked at some pictures his friends had of them on a fishing trip. Imagine my shock to find additional pictures of my husband at a party! A very nice 40th birthday party which was catered with servers passing out food and champagne. I went to him and asked him to come and see something. There it was a picture of him on the internet having a drink at the party with friends. He looked at the picture and acted like he did not even know it was him. I just looked at him and asked him who it was, finally he said something, like uhh. I did not say a word, grabbed my keys left the house and drove around all night, not returning home until the next day mid morning. He apologized, cried, etc. I forgave him, but really do not trust him now. He used to be a good guy. We have had a few arguments since that time and I did bring up the incident to which he remarked that it was not that big of a deal. He really thinks it wasn't a big deal. I feel like he cheated on me! It feels like he cheated on me. He humiliated me, embarrassed me, took advantage of my kindness. My question is: If your husband tells you he is going to play pool with a couple of high school guy friends, but you later find out he went to a couples' party without you, are you the crazy one for thinking it is a big deal? Also, he even bought the wife a gift! He never buys gifts---ever! I buy all the gifts.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Did he attend the party alone?
If he did attend alone, was he trying to hook up with anyone?
More importantly did he leave there alone?
Don't u find it strange that his 'friends' never ask where u are or why u do not join them? Do they know u are still married? Perhaps they think u are separated?
Whatever the reasons, your hb deliberately lied to u, and hid his partying ways. Perhaps he is having an affair with one of the 'friends'/their wives?
This is a very big deal and u have every right to be hurt and feel betrayed. If u investigate further u may find that u are married to a stranger.
Word of advice: my BIL used to socialise with his 'friends' without my sister. She was never invited/or my BIL did not extend his invitation to his wife. Turns out that in his group of 'friends' he also had a lover. Devastating isn't it?
I think u and your hb need marital counselling.
I also recommend u making contact with these friends and slowly find out about your hbs secret life. Be prepared for the worse bec there is more stink to his story.
Chin up gal, but be wise. Very wise.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (10 March 2011):
This is a big deal, and it isn't a big deal. The things that are a big deal are that your husband lied to you and hid something from you, and that after having been lied to, you don't trust your husband. Some things to find out are, why did he lie. More specifically, why did he not want you to know, why did he feel like he had to play it down and not tell you what was actually happening, why did he want to go on his own, and why couldn't he just tell you if he didn't want you to be there? It might be something as simple as he felt like you don't like his friends and he wanted to have a night out with old school mates on his own and didn't have the courage to tell you, or it might be as serious as him wanting to have a free night to do stuff he isnt allowed to do as a married man. Do you suspect him of some kind of serious betrayal?On your side, the other serious part is that you don't trust him and feel betrayed. To help you to get through this event, and to be able to trust him, you need to have some conversations hearing what he has to say about some of the above questions, which you both might find difficult to discuss. Often in relationships, people don't know how to communicate about the difficult things like this, so these conversations can be a challenge. However, unless there is some other kind of betrayal going on, the good news is that the actions of him going to a party without you are not as severe as the problems many people face. Its a problem, but I would think that with good communication this can be resolved. One more thing. The last thing you say in your post is "I buy all the gifts" as if that is part of your role and that its not something that he is "allowed" to do in the relationship. Perhaps he just wanted to assert a bit of independance in the relationship, such as going out on his own and him buying a gift on his own. He might struggle to be assertive in the relationship, and you might exert more control over him than he likes. Its just an idea, a thought....Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 March 2011):
 The man is a liar, I dont know why he lied, or if it was the first time, but I would be really unhappy if my partner said he was going to play pool with buddies when he actually intended attending a nice party with people whose company I enjoy.
However, as birdynumnum says, there are a lot more questions here than the one you asked, how come you dont socialise with these people anymore, and yet it appears he does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): Okay, just an update on this question. My husband has not really kept in contact with his friends over the years and met up with one of them over the past few months, hence the reason the guys were going off to play pool, and I thought it was a good idea for him to be with his old buddies. Busy lives, different places in lives, and geographical differences have kept us apart. I happily attend every function he and I are invited to and enjoy being with him and his friends.
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A
female
reader, sneha09  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Its a big problem with boys, what we see seriously is most of time nothing to them.I think you should talk to him ,ask him why and settle it calmly.Its really not cool for a husband going to a couple's party and lying his wife for such an issue but if everything else is going good and you feel that he cares for you, you must settle it.Make him promise that he should not lie and make sure there is nothing wrong other than the party.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (10 March 2011):
 He probably felt bad that he couldn't bring you, so he made up a story about an event you wouldn't have wanted to attend anyways. Don't be too mad. This is not a big battle to be fighting.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 There are a lot of unanswered questions here. It's not normal to NOT have attended any parties with your husbands friends for 10 years. What's up with that? What happened between you and the friends that made you stop going to couples functions together? If he likes these people enough to attend a function alone; what happened to stop YOU from hanging out with them all? It sounds like he bought a gift to cover for the fact that he doesn't have a wife who is attending his friends parties; so why haven't you been going to them?
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