A
male
age
41-50,
*emiguy
writes:Ok where to begin?! I was in a relationship of 8 years and that ended 1 year ago. For the past 5 months, I've been dating and living with a woman who 24 years old. She has 2 children and I love her and them! The problem is she did soooo many sexual acts, from a threesome to a foursome, just weeks before I met her. I can't stop thinking about it and it hurts me so much! So I thought maybe if I experienced a threesome with her it might make me feel better about everything? Not only that, 2 nights ago, I found out she has done web shows for people! Makes me sad to think of her that way! I've read lots of comments others have left on this site. Now I'm hoping someone can help me???? Any feedback would be greatfully appreciated! She's 24, and I'm 28.Can anyone help?We have been together a year next week and we truly love each other. I have never had soo much respect from anybody ever!! Our relationship is great!!! Now she wants me to experience the threesome from what I had mentioned to her before, the only problem is to find a female who is willing. She suggested a call girl, but that's not how I would want to do it. I'd like to have a fun evening and enjoy it slowly and see what happens! Any help would be most appreciatedThanks
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male
reader, yesno  +, writes (7 April 2011):
You will never forget it. But your feelings are legitimate. Women (and some men) will try to make you feel you are immature, unenlightened, or simply hypocritical. You're not. You're reaction is valid. Your emotions are your own. And the fact that what you feel is felt by a majority of men when confronted with this type of behavior in women, should give you comfort.
Here is the issue in my opinion:
1) Men put the women they love on a pedestal. The revelation that she is not, in fact, on a pedestal is jarring. The solution is to realize that very few women deserve to be on a pedestal. They are simply other guys with vaginae. We are all equal. When you realize this you will see women more clearly.
2) You value sexual modesty. Don't sell this ideal short. There are women out there who value sexual modesty too.
3) The only women who get upset about this are the ones who do not value modesty but want to be treated as though they do. You are a man. And like any woman, you are entitled to think and feel what you want.
End of the day, dump this woman. She's 24 with two kids and is a sex freak. You don't sound like one. And, I agree with the others, the 3some will only hurt.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Just think about the following things :- First, about the real-life sexual drive. It's always easy, and safe for people, to make up a good looking reason for doing bad looking actions ("bad place at the bad time", "I regret it", etc.). Because on a sexual point of view, there's a big chance that she really enjoyed it. There's also a big chance that the most pushing reason was because the situation was making her horny, that's as simple as this. Even if people are educated in monogamy, having sex with several partners is exciting most of us. We have only a couple of thousands of years of evolution with an education pushing to monogamy, while during hundreds of thousands of years of evolution our brain was an animal brain. And the sexual drive is mostly part of the animal part of our brain... A lot of people tend to forget/avoid this.- second : about the webcam shows part, you should know that the higher amount of watchers, the higher risks that some of them recorded the show and have it on their computer, and maybe one of them posted/will post it on the internet... You might some day find it out on some porn site... Or one of your friends, if you don't go to these websites...For me there's a straight line that I wont cross : I wouldn't make my life with a woman whose nasty shows can be seen by anyone on the internet, but it's just me.About the threesome part, I don't think it would make you feel any better... I think the only way to deal with it is to accept that people are animals, with animals instincts and desires, trying to behave as humans.
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A
male
reader, Sephiran +, writes (27 February 2011):
Unless you can get over it, which you can't because she's disgusting, then break up with her.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 February 2011):
 If she regrets it, then she shouldn't be forced into doing it again. And if she loves you, and you give her the ultimatum, either have a 3-some or you walk, most likely she will feel forced into having one, even if she doesn't want it.
It won't solve a thing.
Any sexual act should be made consciously, not out of spite, and not at a whim. It has an impact on you. Just like she regrets what she did, you too will most likely come to regret it, and it will only hurt you. As well as building up a wall between you that is impossible to climb.
If you want a monogamous relationship, just you and her, then that's what you need to aim at. Experiencing a 3-some with her will not make you happy, because you are doing it for all the wrong reasons. A 3-some is not what you actually want, it's only something you came up with because of her having had one. How it's supposed to make you feel better is outside of any logical conclusion.
If what makes you happy is a strong, monogamous relationship, then that's what you need to work at getting. It takes time and dedication to get there. What doesn't help is mixing another person in, and do an act that goes against your personal beliefs and morals. What does help is following your heart in what is right for you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (26 February 2011):
It wouldn't make you feel better. It would continually remind you of what she did before, and it would make her feel like she did before.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (26 February 2011):
 Have you had a 3 some before? If you had not met this woman would you want to have a 3 some now? From what you've written, if you had a 3 some with her now, I don't think you would feel better about her past and you might feel worse. You're not under any kind of deadline to make a decision are you? I think you should take a wait and see approach with this.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (26 February 2011):
I threesome with her won't make you feel better. In fact, it would be a lot worse.
I totally agree with Frank B Kermit. You have different values when it comes to sex and that's too hard to change. You are a grown up so a threesome won't change you. What you find objectionable now, you will keep finding it after the threesome.
You have two options: move on and get a person which is more like you, or accept your girlfriend just like she is. The second option is the really hard path. But is still there.
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A
male
reader, hemiguy +, writes (26 February 2011):
hemiguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the input!! When she did those acts before me she says that she was just in a bad place at that time, and now since with me she regrets that she ever did that and says that I have changed her ways? She isn't pressuring me into doing it, it's just that I thought maybe I would feel better having experienced something like that with her!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (26 February 2011):
 When you said:
"Makes me sad to think of her that way!"
I think we are at the heart of the issue.
You and your gf have different values when it comes to sex.
You were with your previous gf for 8 yrs and by the sound of it, you were monogamous. If this is correct, then it sounds like you value monogamy and based on the rest of your post, it sounds like you value privacy associated with sex.
If those are your values, and if you have no interest in expanding your boundaries with those values (and there is no reason to feel pressured into forcing yourself to accept something that is counter your values) then you need to find a partner that reflects your values.
The other issue I see is that after getting out of an 8 yr relationship, you immediately moved in with a new girl about 6 months after the break up. Seems pretty quick to jump into such a commitment. I am willing to guess that you got very involved with someone (ANYONE) without first making sure the two of you were compatible in your value systems.
Do I beleive that you beleive you love her and her kids. I do not question that at all. But love alone is not enough to make a long term relationship work. Love is a great motivation to put in the work, but love (motivation) alone will not conquer all long term.
Do you value open relationships, or non-monogamous relationships structures? Or are you just agreeing to a threesome as a means of escapism or trying make your gf happy so that she will not leave you? THOSE are the questions I would be asking right now.
You need to come to terms with what your values are. Once you do that, you will know what kind of relationship to pursue with this woman (if any).
-Frank
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 February 2011):
Why do you experience hurt and difficulty with her sexual past? Do they make you feel insecure? Jealous? Unsure of her intentions or feelings towards you? If you find out exactly what it is that bothers you, you will also be able to find the solution.
I would avoid jumping into any sexual acts or sexual play that you are not confident about, just to see if it would help you. It has the great potential of ruining everything for you if it is not done for the right reasons.
Reconsider, and think about this a bit more closely. Please do give us your feedback on how you feel her sexual past is affecting you, and why.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (26 February 2011):
 In general a threesomes just stir up drama. You have to be true to yourself. If you're uncomfortable with the thought of sharing your girlfriend, then don't; because otherwise you're just putting yourself in a bad situation. The fact that she's willing to call a prostitute (AKA call girl) to satisfy some freaking sexual need is disturbing. Prostituting one's self is a degrading profession that's psychologically unhealthy, so the fact she's willing to support that negative behavior is disconcerting and a big red flag...and a big risk for getting STD's. Watch a documentary to get a better understanding.It's great that you have so much respect for her, but I'm sure you've heard the saying, "In order to love someone first you have to love yourself." ..Seems like you're on uneven ground here. Be safe.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 February 2011):
Have you wondered why none of her past relationships have actually worked? Perhaps the problem is that rather than commit, she insists upon these threesomes that on to wreck the relationships.
A threesome will probably make you feel worse about it all, not make it better. You claim to respect her, to love her. If that's so, make real attempts to accept her past and don't screw it up. A threesome will only remind you that she did it before, not take away the memories.
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