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I found evidence that my wife has been cheating. She denies it. Is she lying?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 January 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2019)
A male , anonymous writes:

I recently found out my wife of 12 years has been seeing a guy from work for the past 3 months. I found a messenger conversation between her and her friend. In it it says they are like love sick teenagers. She talks about getting caught with him in the supply cupboard at work. It says they have booked a hotel room together. She gave him a lift home and stopped off a few times at a carpark with him. The friend even encouraged her to invite him round to our house while I was working away one weekend and the kids were at her mums. She talks about how excited she was to see him and have a video on her phone showing her putting a ring on his finger beside his wedding ring.I confronted her with this and she says it was only a joke between her and her friend about being in the cupboard, and the hotel room and inviting him round and she still maintains that she has kissed him on a few occasions but never slept with him. Do you think she is still lying to me. Thanks

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (9 January 2019):

You have proof. So yes she is lying. My question is what more proof do you need? Now where do you go from here?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom +, writes (8 January 2019):

N91 agony auntYes, absolutely.

Nobody on the planet has jokes about that kind of thing, she knows she’s been rumbled and that was the best excuse she could come up with on the spot.

I hope you took pictures of what you saw, that would come in very handy if it came to divorce. Whether she slept with him is irrelevant, she has kissed him which is cheating and you’ve seen for yourself the plans that they had together.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2019):

Don't accuse of cheating if you don't have solid proof like photos or video. Be alert to see if you can catch her. If you do, know that sometimes people cheat because you've neglected the relationship. Cheating is wrong but it doesn't have to end a good marriage.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (7 January 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt Yes, she is lying. One may happen to crack a tasteless joke once, but we have the cupboard joke and the hotel room joke and the ring joke etc.etc., so at this point even if nothing physical had ever happened ( yeah right ) it would be not a joke but a constant inappropriate seductive provocate disloyal disrespectful behaviour which she is indulging in for a contuined period of time, and if she can't see how this is not a joke and it is totally wrong, then you have married the most stupid woman on earth.

Then again, she admitted cheating on you. She admitted kissing this other guy and not just once , but a few times. So not an one-time only impulsive bad decision, but sort of a pleasant habit . Isn't this enough cheating for you ? She says penetration never happened- so what ? Do really few inches of flesh make all this big difference ? Dick inside, she is a bad, cheating wife ; dick outside, she is a honest, faithful, caring wife ??

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2019):

She's busted!!! The first reaction of a cheater who has been caught is to lie.

Cheating and lying combined are complete trust-busters.

It's up to you if you want to remain in the marriage. It's whether you can really forgive her; or if the resentment and distrust will be all that's left between you?

What kind of joke could something like this be??? It rarely stops at kissing; and she laid-out the dirty details of their affair in her text messages. How gullible does she think you are?

You have children; so a lot of people might see that as a reason to try and work it out. The thing is, they're co-workers! How can you relax knowing they have daily access to each other?

If you feel you can forgive her; I wouldn't suggest attempting to do so without marriage-counseling.

I'm not a big fan or advocate for marriage-counseling; because it's so hit or miss. Divorce is usually inevitable; but it might get you two talking. That could diffuse a lot of hostility and volatility ignited during a divorce. You're still in shock, and it hasn't quite hit you as hard as it might in a few more weeks.

If nothing else, through well-mediated counseling sessions; you'll be able to discover what's gone wrong in your marriage. If you do divorce; an amicable split and civil co-parenting is the goal.

Counseling gives you closure; and more time to decide if you really want to salvage your marriage. Minimizing fights; and your impulse to torture her with your distrust and suspicion. Then there's child-custody matters. That's the hardest part.

You want to cause as little trauma on the kids as possible. Letting them know you've done everything humanly possible to save the marriage. They'll think you should get-over it; because they won't want to see you split. It's not their decision to make. Until they're old-enough to understand such things, you have to do what's best for you. They'll survive a divorce. They won't survive witnessing you punishing your wife out of hurt pride and bitter feelings of betrayal.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019):

If she has already admitted kissing him on a few occasions, surely that alone would be grounds to end your relationship? From what you have described it certainly sounds like she has cheated, or is intending to cheat on you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019):

She's lying.

Been there, done that, but with my ex being male and me being female.

Get legal advice before you confront her again and make plans to leave. Don't, whatever you do, give her any indication you are getting legal advice; if she has any serious plans to be with this guy she's having an affair with, then they will join forces and try to take you to the cleaners financially, including by telling more lies.

Sorry, I know how much it hurts, but it will hurt more to stay with someone as untrustworthy as this ; the constant doubt, the constant attempts to reassure yourself are painful and exhausting and will rob you of any sense of self worth.

Get legal advice, and prepare yourself inwardly to move on.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (6 January 2019):

Fatherly Advice agony auntBy the typical pattern of cheating couples she is admitting to as little as possible. You may have confronted without enough evidence. Best thing to do at this point is to send your evidence to the other mans wife and your wife's boss / HR dept. No need to tell her you are going to do this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019):

Yes, OP, your wife IS lying. There's no way that's a joke! LOL She is insulting your intelligence and playing on your love for her. She figures you will believe her, pull the wool over your eyes and life will go on just like before where she is fucking another guy for thrills while you, her sucker of a husband, is the steady and reliable provider. If you believe her, she will continue getting the best of both worlds!

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (5 January 2019):

mystiquek agony auntCheaters love the thrill of getting caught but they don't want to get caught. You have evidence she cheated, she has admitted that she kissed him (and yes that is cheating both physically and emotionally). So what is your deal breaker?

Yes I think she's lying. when a cheater gets caught they normally will lie..lie..and lie some more to get out of things. What does your gut tell you? How much are you willing to put up? Only you can answer that. Would I trust her? Nope.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntDoes it really matter whether she has slept with him or not?

She is obviously (if nothing else) fantasizing and creating ELABORATE excuses to cover for the conversations with her friend.

How is the marriage? Bad? Has it been bad a while? Have you BOTH been neglecting each other?

I'm not saying it's your fault that she is cheating (and yes, I think she is cheating, at LEAST emotionally if not also physically). It is now up to you to decide where to go from here. DO you want to stay married to a women you DO NOT trust? Whom you think is messing around with another man?

YOU have to decide WHERE YOU want to go from here.

Of course she denies it.

If you want to stay married, I'd say marriage counseling is mandatory, and maybe even a job switch for her. And DEFINITELY working on fixing whatever is not working in your marriage.

If you DO NOT want to stay married any longer, get your ducks in a row. DO NOT let her know what you are about to do. Talk to a solicitor.

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