A
female
age
51-59,
*ip66
writes:i am hoping to recieve help.my husband and i have been married only a year.we met on an internet dating site. he was the most romantic caring guy on the planet until we got near our wedding day.weve known each other 3 yrs.i had serious doubts then now i hate waking up next to him.its the usual story girl falling for a mr nice guy promises the world deliveres nothing.used to give me flowers every week and worshiped me.he moved in with me into my council house got his name on the tenancy and bought it which i didnt want to do then all went downhill fast.he wont hug me , kiss me make love to me or in any sense be affectionate.he says hurtfull things all the time. wont allow me to connect to the outside world . by that i mean no talking or contacting anyone via phone calls or emails. no websites either. (ive just sneeked on here to get help).yet hes allowed to flirt at work talk to the opposite sex and be out all hours.im a housewife and dont work . have no confidence to because he says im horrid.he works very early in the morning as a hgv driver. i get up every morning without fail even if im ill to make him a tea and take him to work. i used to think i was a kind person , now i think im stupid and being used.i do everything for him. yet he wont even try to understand.i have tried mentioning things that upset me but all he replies is "if you dont like it you can leave".please help im so desperate.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 January 2011):
 you need to see a solicitor, you should be entitled to at least half of the proceeds from a house sale, i would HOPE that could argue for more, taking into account that you have been paying the rent on it for 'X' amount of years before he came along. in a FAIR world that would happen anyway. whatever you do though, don't walk out and leave him in it coz this might be detrimental to the outcome of any settlement.
so for now, play nice, don't make things worse for yourself than they already are, and go and seek legal advice to see what your options are, as you are not working you will be entitled to legal aid, at least for the first consultation, maybe more. when i got divorced i wasn't working and i didn't have to pay a penny, but saying that, i just walked out of the house we rented together, taking only my clothes and my dog!
xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): ”he moved in with me into my council house got his name on the tenancy and bought it which i didn't want to do then all went downhill fast.“
This was probably one of his main motivations in marrying you, except that he is also abusive. Maybe he is doing that to try to get you to leave? It is hard to contemplate, but this seems to be the truth imo. He is a con artist of sorts.
You need to wipe out everything loving he ever said to you or did for you from your mind, he is not the person he presented himself as at all. Keep telling yourself this and it will give you strength.
There is nothing wrong with you, you just need to be strong enough to get him out of your life. Rely on friends and family, or anyone else trustworthy, to help you get out of this situation. The first step is to make contact with the outside world, as you've done here, and to not listen to a word he says.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
hi
same advice as previous posters.. get rid of him!
obviously the mr nice guy routine was just pure acting and you were taken in by it. its not your fault, you are not the first to fall for this and unfortunately you won't be the last.
you think you have no confidence now?? try another 5 years and see how much lower he can get you.
you already hate waking up to him everyday. leave him. if all else fails and you can't get money from the house, you will be re-housed, might not be in as nice an area as you are in now, but you will have least have the peace of mind that not living with him brings.
leave him to wallow with his own misery, because a truly happy well balanced man DOESN'T FEEL THE NEED to treat his wife this way. let him get himself up and make his own ****ing tea in the morning for a start!
makes my blood boil this sort of situation because my mum had the exact same problem, she was widowed and lonely and along comes mr wonderful, marries her and buy the council house. then it all turns sour (he got controlling and cheated etc) luckily though he ended up getting cancer and dying soon after so she didn't have to go through with divorcing him
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): You need to realise that your husband doesnt deserve you. Bring your issues up again and when he says 'if you dont like it leave' You should leave even if its only briefly then he might realise what hes taken for granted
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A
female
reader, soft2020  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 A female reader,soft2020,writes( 17 January 2011 )
My heart goes out to you vip66, I have been there many of
times myself keep your head up and stay strong. Males and
females have different needs in todays world it is all about self not you and me. Theres a saying "why buy the cow"and "You can do bad by yourself" if you are not getting
what you need from this relationship it is best to leave.
I know you are sad right now and I feel all your pain I
have been there myself all through out my life. Perhaps in
the short period of time you two have been together you
have grown apart it happens. Maybe you should do like he
saids and move on I know it is hard, sometimess we ladies have to do the hardest things perhaps it would be best for
you I know you are too beautiful to let anyone push you
around. I know it is hard, life is too short and the world
is a big ball of confusion. Maybe there is a nice womens group to join, or maybe you can get into some non credit
scchool classes such as take up "psychology" it will help
you a lot to understand both sides of the female and male life spans.
Good luck to you and best wishes vip66.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 It's hard enough to be married, but trying to work something out with a guy who gives you the answer "if you don't like it you can leave" to any of your problems signifies there are even bigger problems.I don't know if there is much to save this relationship. It sounds like he is extremely controlling and manipulative. It also sounds like he wormed his way into your finances too, which will probably make a divorce extremely costly. You don't mention physical abuse, but it certainly sounds like he is mentally abusing you and with the restriction to the outside world, it almost sounds like he is on the verge of physical abuse.Was he like this when you were dating or did he change the minute you got married? Either way, I recommend that you see a counselor or psychologist yourself. I think they will be able to help you sort out what happened and why. They'll also help you figure out if this relationship is worth saving (from the sounds of it, it doesn't) and where to go from here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Ok, my advice is: you are legally married to this man. That is good. I'm not sure about legalities in the Uk. But I'm sure you have legal rights. Is your name still on the tenancy? Go to speak with a lawyer and see what your rights are. You can start a divorce and get something back from your home and whatever other assets you both have. Maybe you can even get back your home if you can prove abuse.Don't let him walk all over you this way!!!I'm sorry that he changed so much, this is a horrible thing to go through, but you are strong enough to get through it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (17 January 2011):
 It sounds to me that you both got into this relationship each for your own selfish reasons! You thought that it's convenient to have a Mr. nice guy around to spoil you and offer you things and love, while he just wanted someone to settle, so he won't be lonely. You both forgot the most important ingredient of a relationship:love! Because happiness in not only receiving but also giving and you both into this relationship to receive. Sorry but it's a two way fault. You said it "its the usual story girl falling for a mr nice guy promises the world deliveres nothing." You didn't receive what you expected and you got dissapointed. Best wishes to do the right thing. Perhaps in a relationship where there's no love and children involved it's best to break up...
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Cerberus, I read the attached article and found it very informative. Good advice to vip66.
Vip66: Yes, you do need to leave. Please plan how you are going to go about it carefully. Do you have family or friends you can go stay with for a few days while you look for a job and permanent place to stay?
I know this is very difficult and you are unhappy. I wish you all the best in getting help and removing yourself from your husband........let us know if you need to write to us again!
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A
male
reader, EPocket  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 "i have tried mentioning things that upset me but all he replies is "if you dont like it you can leave"."
god . wat kind of men would tell such a thing to his woman . he explained it all for you . carelessly dont care watever u do :)
just DO AS U PLEASE and am pretty sure that u`ll not regret it unless there r things we havent read here .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Sadly he has wormed his way into your life and is busy destroying you. You have to leave him. It is a shame you let him get his name on your tenacy and then buy it, in his sole name or are you join owners? It very much sounds as if he used you to get your home. If it is in his name you are in trouble. But being married should count for something in any legal dealings though. He has used you in the worst way. You know you have to leave him - what sort of life are you going to have otherwise.
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A
female
reader, Denissia  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I have been going thru this with a man i fell in love with. He promised me evrything. He came into my life and we started living with eachother. We got to know eachother and couldnt stand to be away from one another. Then one thing lead to the next...His mom and sister, and even his brother claims i am not the girl for him,this is hard for me,because he abused me verbally,telling me im fat,afta living with him for six mths,me buying the groceries,cooking,washing,buying him gifts and recieving none,i couldnt break away,i would break up with him,he would beg me back,but afta he got me back the first time,evrything went down hill. He treated me yet again like i wasnt pretty,and he would say i wasnt giving him anything. After a while,when we were sleeping he would turn his back on me,and he would blink too many times when he speaks to me,or i ask him sumthing abt a number on his phone,he is with me all the time and all of a sudden he has other women on his phone. He would carry his phone when he goes to bathe,when i was in hospital he answered my call,i taut i was pregnant with his child and he laughed in the other end saying its too late to talk,then i heard a girl giggle on his end. He treated me bad,girl you deserve better. When i finally told him i do not want him an its over,he was like okay,but he had my laptop,so i went for it after i got discharged,but he didnt want to give me,my mum was with me,he pulled a cutlass on her an he run me,i got it back with help from the police,but you see my guy used to make the same comments if you dont like it leave,what you come back for? thats not hte worst of it,i would walk with him to go anywhere,he would dress up,an leave me to walk way behind like he was embarrassed or sumthing,and when he was with me,he wearing old thing in front of my friends. He started leaving me in his room when i started to stay by him,and he would disappear,not even home,i believe his ex was now his neighbour,so i wouldnt see him for a hour or so,we started quarreling and he raise my clothes in public. I hate him now,but i still f eel sorry for him because he does not have a job and was feeding off of me. We are definitely separated now,but he still begs me,but i dont answer. He recently sent voicemails as though he is really happy and its not even been a week yet that we separate,but i am happier,i feel prettier,and so should you. Please do not stay with him,he will humiliate you,and may even kill or damage you,he has someone else,trust your gut instinct girl and move on!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): You need to take his advice, because you don't like it so you should leave.
http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html
vip66 what exactly do you want us to say? Nothing about this is right, this is no way to live and you know you really only have one option.
If you're having trouble figuring how to leave him, then read the article and go seek help from a battered women's shelter. They can give you advice on how to remove yourself from this situation and no you don't have to be physically abused to ask for their help.
Good luck OP, you can't change him, this will not get better, this is the way he is and this is the life you're going to have with him. So you either stay and learn to out up with it or you do what he says and leave.
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