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I feel vulnerable and don't want to get hurt!

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Friends, Gay relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 December 2013) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 December 2013)
A male age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Dear cupid agony aunts and uncles,

I am writing because I do not know where to go from here. So the details: I am a gay man, and I met this wonderful gay man who lives a good 7 mins away from me. And well in the beginning he was very attentive. We went on a date and he even went as far as telling me sorry for acting "shy" and "dumb" and he'd like a second date where it could be more formal and private. And well, based on his responses and body language I'd say there was mutual interest. Or was there? I feel I doubt myself a lot and during the holidays out here, he hasn't been as prompt to reply. Understandably so, but there are some days I will just manage a few short replies. So just a few days ago I told him if he doesn't feel anything for me to let me know so I stop acting foolish . And his response was he's been pretty busy with work, his mom's birthday, and his best friends from out of town coming over. He seems so genuine and sweet... And he knows he has been bad at texting but he's trying and he never wants me to think he's ignoring me. And well, he texts me after he doesn't hear from me for hours. So I know he cares to hear from me. However, I am scared it is my imagination and then feelings of paranoia and insecurity make me feel like he could never like a guy like me. He told me many guys won't take a chance on him because of his bad work schedule. I feel like it isn't the lack of communication that bothers me, surely he has to work and I don't have to hear from him every minute/second. It's insecurity that he may not be as into me as I am into him. I know self-pity is the worst, and I have been confident with other guys in the past. This time around the confidence is down on the ground , and I am vulnerable and I don't want either of us to get hurt. Thoughts? Any and all would be appreciated.

View related questions: best friend, confidence, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013):

Relax his just busy with his work after all he did say he had a bad schedule.In the meantime work on bettering yourself,he will come around thinking "whaa..I have been missing all this the entire time!!".

If he continues with his attitude or it comes to the worse,well its his loss.See its a win-win situation for you, still you dont want to break off with him since new year's coming and it will suck being a single!!.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013):

(cont'd) the latter of your message was very helpful wiseowl. I agree, minimal display of insecurities and allowing him to figure out his feelings will either result in waking up his enthusiasm for me if it is there. I didn't mean to sound like I was picking a fight with you by any means. Thanks and hopefully my suggestion I made is considered.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013):

I am the original poster, and wiseowl perhaps I am acting out because I know what you say is partly true. However, I think you were not particularly nice and assumed a few things that are not true. I am not expecting for him to always be texting or calling me, I said it isn't a matter of not being constantly chatting. If I know his work schedule it is because he told me. He texts me when he gets to work and when he comes back. I have never set that expectation on him. He just does it. While I do agree no one likes a whiny and insecure person, I do remember the part where I say that I acknowledge this isn't right of me to do. So for you to repeat that, I mean again...I thank you for taking the time to respond to me a long response. I just feel there were many instances in your advice that I felt attacked rather than given advice. Advice doesn't mean it is something I always want to hear, but the wording is just mean. I will agree with what you said to "sit down and shut up." I can wait. I am not rushing into a relationship, but I do like him quite a bit. For future reference I do hope you're a little more sensitive with others' feelings when you post a reply. Talk about kicking someone when they are down. You can get your message across without the unnecessary put-downs. I can appreciate and can say you bring up some solid points. Best of luck on the site and thanks for the advice, even if again, it was a little harsh. Please don't think it is because you're telling me things I don't want to hear. I am prepared to let go as well... I hinted that to him before. And he still tells me I am amazing.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 December 2013):

The problem with professing you are vulnerable and insecure also may indicate you are desperate. You know details about his schedule, the fact he himself may be a little guarded.

You are expecting too much emotional response when you hardly know him. That's desperate. You have to be confident and patient. You scare people away when you expect an immediate emotional reaction when they hardly know you.

Neediness may be the prevailing emotion; and making you come on too strong.

That forces people to back off. The last thing a man with a busy work schedule needs; is his phone being blown-up by his needy boyfriend. It is annoying and distracting.

You hardly know him, and you're only going through the introductory stage of your connection. You're already complaining about his texting and response-time.

Is this a taste of things to come?

Admitted insecurity and whining is no way to make a good impression. If you tell people you have anxiety when people don't cater to your insecurities; watch them run for the hills screaming with their arms above their heads. I would.

Settle down. Confidence and self-assurance wins people over.

Telling people how insecure you are is giving them a first-hand warning. It's telling them you can be a handful when dealing with difficult situations, or when you don't get your way. That's a red-flag.

If you feel vulnerable and don't want to get hurt; you're not ready to be looking for a relationship. No one deserves to deal with your issues. That's your job. Your problem.

You offer people the best you can be. You should expect the same from them. If you have insecurities; then you owe it to yourself to deal with them before you make it some nice guy's burden.

Anybody that tells you to accept them just as they are; is telling you they have big problems, so prepare to put up and shut up. We all have flaws, but they shouldn't cause other people harm. Nor should they be self-destructive.

Work on your issues and chill out. Be patient and call when you miss him; and patiently wait for the response.

As his interest and affection for you grows (at his own pace) he will show you more enthusiasm.

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