A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really hope this doesn't sound stupid. :(In the last few years, I've had a few problems in my life, as everyone does. My brother attempted suicide two years ago and it kind of put my family in a really awkward situation.. Like, everyone was lost. My parents split up a two weeks before christmas, then the week after I found out my brother's girlfriend misscarried, then in March I became pregnant and had to get rid of it - the guy offering no support or help or anything, he only liked to wind me up so it seems. And now my brother's girlfriend is pregnant again.. And her baby is going to be born just a couple of weeks after mine would have been if I'd kept it.Anyway, throughout all this I've managed to keep a smile on my face. I've always been quite a jealous, insecure person, but I try to control it the best I can. It was only in the last few months I've began to feel properly low. It feels like there's something wrong like inside of me in my head, but there's not - if that makes sense?I'm at university now and I have some really great friends but this sounds stupid but it's like I'm always wondering what they're doing and if I'm winding them up or something so then I sit in my room by myself and go round in circles about everything.A friend said I "needed help/to talk to someone," but it's like... There's nothing wrong with me.. But it feels like there is. :(Please someone offer me advice.
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female
reader, secret me +, writes (12 December 2009):
You know what i really understand what you mean i feel the same. i'm crying as i write this and feel so silly for doing it. i feel like my brain isn't functioning properly sometimes like theres something missing, i feel like i don't think like other people. it's only in the last couple of months that I've kind of accepted it i just don't know what to do....i should start from the beggining because thats where i guess it's began, my dad never wanted me went out of his way to ignore me and even now when i get upset i shout out to him really stupid i know as he's never been there I've sent him letter and pictures but he's never wrote back and then when i was 6 i was rape a few times by a family member i never told anyone because he was sent to prison and i din't see him again until i was twelve and he did touched me again i hate it because even then i didn't think he did anything wrong i didn't love him or anything just thought it was all quite normal.Then through out my mums relationships I've heard and seen her beat up, one of her boyfriends came into my room once and showed me his penis. also theres a man down the street who's i used to go round to play with his children tried it on with me when i was bout 10 and did so about 5times he still lives their now. my boyfriend of nearly 3years recently broke up with me because of my jealousy but i thought he'd get that i can't trust him or any man because of what every male in my life did to me i really relied on him to the extreme nothing in my life seemed important i'd buy him little presents to try and make him love me to the extent i loved him. so I've become very depressed. i think i may have body dis morphia when i look in the mirror i don't see me i don't feel like its me i don't feel ugly or pretty people also say i'm underweight but i don't see it i can tell i'm not overweight or obese i just can't tell how thin i am i'm just normal i do feel like my thighs are big though.
i feel better for talking about it but i just don't know what to do now. no one would ever guess i'm like this because i'm quite loud and talkative but i just talk alot so people wont have time to think horribly of me i know this all sounds really stupid and i feel annoyed with my self because there are so many other people with bigger problems then me i just need to know what to do? xx
A
female
reader, secret me +, writes (12 December 2009):
You know what i really understand what you mean i feel the same. i'm crying as i write this and feel so silly for doing it. i feel like my brain isn't functioning properly sometimes like theres something missing, i feel like i don't think like other people. it's only in the last couple of months that I've kind of accepted it i just don't know what to do....i should start from the beggining because thats where i guess it's began, my dad never wanted me went out of his way to ignore me and even now when i get upset i shout out to him really stupid i know as he's never been there I've sent him letter and pictures but he's never wrote back and then when i was 6 i was rape a few times by a family member i never told anyone because he was sent to prison and i din't see him again until i was twelve and he did touched me again i hate it because even then i didn't think he did anything wrong i didn't love him or anything just thought it was all quite normal.Then through out my mums relationships I've heard and seen her beat up, one of her boyfriends came into my room once and showed me his penis. also theres a man down the street who's i used to go round to play with his children tried it on with me when i was bout 10 and did so about 5times he still lives their now. my boyfriend of nearly 3years recently broke up with me because of my jealousy but i thought he'd get that i can't trust him or any man because of what every male in my life did to me i really relied on him to the extreme nothing in my life seemed important i'd buy him little presents to try and make him love me to the extent i loved him. so I've become very depressed. i think i may have body dis morphia when i look in the mirror i don't see me i don't feel like its me i don't feel ugly or pretty people also say i'm underweight but i don't see it i can tell i'm not overweight or obese i just can't tell how thin i am i'm just normal i do feel like my thighs are big though.i feel better for talking about it but i just don't know what to do now. no one would ever guess i'm like this because i'm quite loud and talkative but i just talk alot so people wont have time to think horribly of me i know this all sounds really stupid and i feel annoyed with my self because there are so many other people with bigger problems then me i just need to know what to do? xx
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 November 2008):
 You maybe could do with some counselling. You seem to be surrounded by depressing people in your family and you may have inner guilt about giving up your child also. You need to put everything into perspective and deal with it then let go on each thing that is circling your head. Then maybe you can get some order in your life. Try writing a list of things that bother you and go thru them one by one and deal with one thing at a time, listing the worst one first and tackling that. Otherwise, try to talk to someone who you can trust with your feelings and get it out that way. You seem to be having feelings of paranoia as well, so really you need to trust to be able to settle. hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the second of two children to my mum, third of three to my dad.My mum said the exact same thing as you have done, that I seem to cope and my brother needs a push. I've tried to talk to her about this for a good six or so years but she won't have it. She says she'll change to shut me up but she never does. Her last comment on the subject being "Oh well, it doesn't matter now, you're off to uni,"I feel like I have no where I belong to. My mum and dad still work together so it's like a bomb site at home and although it's nice where I am at the moment. There's a time limit on it so it's not home really.I haven't self harmed properly for like a good four or so years, I've had the odd boughts of it, but nothing too bad - if that makes sense?The brother who is having the baby lives two hours away from my home so I'm hoping I can avoid ever seeing it to honest.The worst bit in all of this I think is that I have a new found boyfriend. It's very long distance but I'm really besotted with him and I'm so worried that I'll push him away. I think I'm expecting him to fix everything even though he can't. It's so bad because he's all I want and I feel so safe and loved when I'm with him but obviously this isn't really often but I can cope with that because the times we are together make up for the times we're not. Thank you for replying again. :)xx
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A
female
reader, wendie dee +, writes (23 November 2008):
 HI thanks for replying,hope were all helping to make you feel a bit better. The way your feeling is natural,Take comfort in your brothers baby, you might even find you have a special bond with it, because of your loss.
As for your mum, were you the first born, and was your mum young? my daughter was my first born, four years later i had my son. My daughter used to think the same as you, he was my favourite, I don't believe mums have favourites, my daughter always seemed to cope and she is very strong willed, were as my son is very laid back,not very street wise and needs a push now and again. Have a talk with your mum, all mums know, a daughters a daughter for all of her life, a sons a son till he finds him a wife. Try and get your relationship back on track with your mum,she could of resented you been close to your dad.
I hope your not self harming now,and try to cut the drinking down, it only lasts till the next day. Think about the reiki healer, they will help clear your chakras for you, and work on your inner child,they will also remove built up energies from the past, and help you to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't regret giving the baby up. It wasn't the right time, with the right guy or anything. I just think about it when I'm down and I think "maybe keeping it was my one chance to be happy," if that makes sense? Why I beat myself up about it I don't know because I'd be worse if I'd kept it and I'd have a child suffering because of it as well.I think the securities stem from my mum and I having a bad relationship when I was about fourteen/fifteen? I have always thought in my head that she prefers my brother - double standards seem to be our home's forte. (sp?) I've always been closer to my dad and as you can imagine, our relationship is now not even half of what it used to be - it couldn't possibly be. But I've been insecure since I was about fourteen/fifteen when I used to self harm - nothing too severe. Just a few cuts.I also think I drink an excessive amount of alcohol when I'm out to cover up the fact I feel a bit insecure. It's so strange, I'm not shy at all.. But I don't know.. I guess it's more with self esteem?xxxx
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (22 November 2008):
 This is not about complaining when you are in serious emotional pain, but want to convince yourself its not a big deal... otherwise, to deal with the pain could be more than you are comfortable with.
You have experienced a lot of loss so please be good to yourself and find someone to help you. Nothing to be ashamed of! xoxo A.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut it feels like I'm complaining about nothing. It's like I don't want to admit something's wrong. I don't want to be weak... xx
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A
female
reader, wendie dee +, writes (22 November 2008):
Hi you poor bain, life has dealt you a lousy hand. I think yu've done really well to cope with it all, and no wonder you're feeling down.
Try to think back and see if anything has happened in the past that has made you feel insecure, jealousy usually comes from insecurities so has anyone you loved let you down, and are you finding it hard to trust again.
I also feel you're carrying the world on your'e shoulders,subconciously you're worrying about your brother,you're parents and you're brothers girlfriend.
To top it all I feel you regret giving your baby up, I don't know how you'er goin to feel when the baby arrives, but i don't think it's going to be easy for you,are you feeling guilty over you're baby,and jealous over your brothers girlfriend, if so this is a normal reaction under the circumstances.
I really think you should find some councelling, does the university have a councellor you could talk to.If not if you can afford it find a reiki healer, it may take time but they are very good, also see your doctor ask him for some antidepresants, just for a short while, till you manage to get your head around things.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (22 November 2008):
You have been though A LOT of intense emotional trauma! You really need to find a caring adult to talk with. It is very normal to be depressed with everything you have been though, all the loss and abandonment! You seem like a very caring and strong young lady. Please find a caring adult like a therapist or counselor because you have a very heavy burden on your shoulders!
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