A
female
age
41-50,
*enny_carrots
writes:I feel like the world is in color and I am in black and white. I have a great job, my child attends a great school, I have a beautiful house, no real money issues, and yet I want to sub my husband for someone, anyone, else. I am pretty, smart, and super fun to be around. He is smart, handsome, and very lame. There are so many things that I wish I could change, his hygiene is bad, example, we went to the beach for four days and he showered...1 time! He claims that since he went swimming he was "clean". We don't have a sexual relationship, we do it maybe once or twice every 3 to 4 months. He rarely accompanies me to my family events (weddings, funerals) and I am always forced to explain his absence. I feel absolutely lonely but fear that this is the way marriage is supposed to be. My parents have a similar marriage and it is the only real life example of marriage I have been exposed to. Fairytale marriages are only in movies, right? I mean isn't it impossible to have a true love? I would love to leave but I would feel sorry for him and it would crush my son if he left this house. I have forced myselft to put the relationship in sort of a business manner, I am in the business of being married. I combined my assets with someone and now must build an empire for my son. If I split my assets too will be split. My question: Is marriage really just one big business venture or is there such a thing as true love?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Oh, there is most defenatly true love....My husband is my bestfriend, lover, everything..... It dosen't havve to be a business venture...But it should be a Adventure. Hold your head up, and expect what you deserve...Don't settle for second fiddle. Try talking to him, and if that dosen't work...You may have your lawyer talk to him. It may scare him to the right way of thinking.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): Nope, marriage shouldn't be so lifeless. Both you and your husband deserve something better. Passion doesn't last, but still husband and wife can have a lot of fun together and be best friends (from personal experience, marriage is still sweet after over 15 years.) Both spouses have to be honestly working hard to please each other, and it appears from your description that your husband isn't really trying.
Before you bail out, though, you should at least try to see if you can salvage your marriage. Otherwise, even though you may divorce and move on to a different partner, in the end you may find your future relationships just a repetition of what you're going through now. Asking your lover for what you need, finding out what your lover needs, and how to keep love fresh, are skills that have to be learned and practiced. Visit http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
and read up on "Emotional Needs" and "Love Busters" to see what you need the most from your husband.
For your son's sake, you would like to have a happy family. So don't make going to marriage counseling a test of your husband's commitment. Make that appointment yourself, go alone if you have to. Life is too short to be passive-aggressive.
Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Yes fairytales are in movies. Even what appears to be a fantastic marriage has its problems. BUT you should expect more than you are getting. It takes two to make it work so tell him how you feel. Of course there is such a thing as true love but it takes a lot of hard work and committment from you both. It should not be a business venture.
Maybe you have both just slipped into a routine which is hard to break from. The only way to go is to tell him you want and expect more. I wish you luck x
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female
reader, jenny_carrots +, writes (6 July 2008):
jenny_carrots is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I could have left the hygiene aspect out of the original post. It isn't clear what I was getting at with it in. I am not saying he is a bad man, I was attempting to explain the differences that separate us further. We just value different things and are no longer on the same page. Like some of you have posted, it is all just a facade. We play the part, go on family vacations, do the park thing together, but if there was no link that forced us to be near each other, I don't believe we would spend much time together. I think that I am going to request that he sets up the marriage counseling. If he does, I know that he is willing to make it work, if he does not, it will be one more value that we don't share.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Fairy tales exist only in fairy tales. In the real world, things are almost never perfect, and, when they are, they are doomed to change sooner or later. That doesn't mean there can't be happiness or true love in the world. It does mean that we need to be realistic. That's my first opinion regarding your post.
I've never been married, but marriage, like any relationship, takes two to exist. Both must be willing to give in occasionally, for the common good. It seems your husband isn't doing that. I also think that he's as bored as you are but he stays for the same reasons you have decided to stay.
I won't tell you to divorce or stay in the marriage. That's for you to decide. I can, however, focus on your son and tell you this much: your son will notice that his parents are not happy with each other, and that will affect him, too. My parents divorced. A friend of mine's didn't. So my friend had his father at home, and I didn't, but he had a facade at home, too, and I didn't.
Marriages should not be business ventures, but quite often that's what they become.
I feel sorry for you. I can see your problem and wouldn't want to be in your situation.
I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): You really need to ask yourself; do you love your husband?, its difficult when you have a child, parents often think about the affect splitting up would have on the child and therefore try to work things out and eventually get used to each other. But sometimes if the relationship is not healthy its best to separate and reflect on the relationship and the impact it is having on the child. After all a son should have a good role model – his father. Maybe it’s best that you sit with your husband and explain to him how difficult it is for you and the changes that would need to take place to make things better. The main thing is you need to be sure whether you want it to work or not. You need to be honest with yourself and make a decision, If you husband has become like this recently then maybe there is a reason and you should investigate. Talking about it; ensuring that you say exactly how you feel is probably what you need to do, then take in what he says and make him understand the seriousness of the situation. Sex is important in a relationship – men don’t often forget that – you need to remind him what he has and how he is jeopardising it. Follow your heart, I hope it all works out sweetheart x
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reader, ChiRaven +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Yes, Virginia, there IS true love in the world.
You have a right to expect a whole lot more from your marriage than you are getting, and it's time you got it. It's time to take this whole thing to a counselor and start working out the issues between the two of you. You don't seem to be able to talk about and ask for what you really want and need out of the marriage. And he ... well, I guess we can SEE what his problems are mainly, I suspect, that he is probably oblivious to the fact that he has one VERY unhappy wife.
Tell him that you want to start going to marriage counseling. If he won't agree to go to a counselor with you, start going by yourself and address the fact that you can't get him to come as one of the earliest issues.
Sooner or later something is GOING to give way in this marriage. If nothing else, it's going to be you and your personal sense of equilibrium. You need to get what you need. To do that you need to start talking. And to do THAT, I seriously recommend professional help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): i was in a marriage of 3 years after a 12 year relationship with the man. our life was exactly as yours is now except a few worse issues as mental and physical abuse. i stumbled upon a man over the internet who helped me get way from my husband. i am now divorced and moved across the world to australia to be with the man that helped me. i cant imagine ever being without him as he is my true love. he does everything under the sun for me. he provides comfort and love and respect. he enjoys my company and makes me feel as i am the only woman in this world that means anything to him. love shouldnt be a business venture. it should be a loving friendship that you wouldnt know existed till you find it. i cant tell you to leave your husband but i can tell you that there is more to love than what you are getting from it.
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