A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm being rushed into marriage by my boyfriend, my parents and even my friends to a point. Last week, during a family meal my boyfriend proposed to me in front of his family(Mum,dad and two brothers and their partners and kids.) I was so shocked I said yes without really thinking about my answer. The next day I told him that I wasn't sure it was truly what I wanted, and despite being a bit angry at me, he argeed we wouldn't plan anything for a while, which made me feel better.Then over the weekend, only a few days after we agreed not to rush anything, he announces to my parents that we are engaged. I know they would have found out but I would have liked to tell them in my own time. My parents then told neighbours, other family members ect, and now everyone knows!I guess the reason why I am so unsure about marrying him is because I don't trust him completely. When we started seeing each other, he had been known to cheat on his girlfriends but I looked passed that and feel for him. It's just ever since we started living together last year that I have began to think twice. It might be nothing but he deletes all his emails, texts, phone records. He won't answer calls if I'm in the room sometimes. It's just little things like that. Plus I work awkward hours so he would have the time.I don't want to lose him or upset anyone but I'm not ready to talk about dresses or venues or who will be in the wedding party. His niece has already begged me for her to be a bridesmaid. I want to talk to him about my trust issues but now this has happened I feel like I can't. I'm an only child so to my mum and dad this is huge news, and like I said, it was so public in front of his family. What can I do to make this right?
View related questions:
engaged, neighbour, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): people nowadays are engaged forever, so I wouldn't be really very concerned, just tell him that you have no intention of getting married at such young age... BUT you are already living together and should consider the future of this relationship, if you cannot trust him and when it comes down to whether you'd spend the rest of your life with him or not you have doubts because of his suspicious behavior maybe you should consider where are things heading.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 reminds me of the scene in the movie "working girl" where the boyfriend is cheered on to propose to his "estranged" GF (Melanie Griffin) in front of all their friends and her answer is "maybe". Because she knew it was not going to happen for her.
You must tell him now that he blindsided you at the last minute and you felt pressured but you would rather NOT be engaged to a man you do not trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 One more thing, do you have close friends? I mean, ones you trust with your best interests?
I ask because I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with one or two of your closest friends about your concerns about his cheating past. Sometimes, friends will know things about the boyfriend but choose not to share them with the girlfriend because she seems happy with him. In the off chance that he has been cheating, or doing something fishy like being a drug dealer, someone may have some knowledge about that.
And why on earth did you move in with a guy you don't trust completely? Are you so easily manipulated into ignoring your own common sense?
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Him being angry?? *I* would have been really pissed if someone proposed to me in front of everyone, putting me on the spot like that. I would have most likely gently told him in front of everyone that I loved him, but I'm not quite ready yet, and that I want to talk to him alone.
However, I can't fault you for saying "yes", because you did it to preserve his ego in front of everyone. However, I would flat out tell him that you aren't ready because of specific behavior he exhibits in light of his cheating past.
That's the problem in dating cheaters, the trust is deficient from the start. However, how are you going to tell him you dig through his phone?? Trust goes BOTH ways, and invading a partner's privacy is also a breach of trust. I don't care if it gets common to do so. I have never cheated in a relationship, and I lock my phone to protect it from being stolen and used or mined for info.
Tell him you're not ready, and officially withdraw your "yes". Pressure is not good in any situation, and you need to do what you need to do. However, if you're going to stay with him, you need to resolve your trust issues. You can't go back and forth with him in that area, or both of you are wasting your time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
The only way to "make this right" is to start speaking your part. Start telling him and your family and his family that you have some doubts and concerns. Just because he blindsided you with a public marriage proposal does not mean you have to get married against your will.
You have to stop feeling and start ACTING.
"I was so shocked I said yes without really thinking about my answer. The next day I told him that I wasn't sure it was truly what I wanted, and despite being a bit angry at me, he argeed we wouldn't plan anything for a while, which made me feel better." So what if he's angry at you? Why don't you get to be angry at him for blindsiding you?
"Then over the weekend, only a few days after we agreed not to rush anything, he announces to my parents that we are engaged." So he ignores your concerns and your agreement and blindsides you again.
What is the matter with your boyfriend that he doesn't take into account your feelings and concerns? Could it be that you are hiding all your feelings and concerns and pretending all is well when in fact, you lack trust in him and you do NOT want to get married at this point in time?
You have to SPEAK UP for yourself. Stand up for yourself. Show some backbone and some gumption and ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED!!!!
Sorry for shouting at you but you sound as though you are just allowing yourself to be swept along by events and by your manipulative untrustworthy boyfriend.
I think that he may be doing you a big favor, by forcing the issue, you can now do the things you've been shying away from, what you are desperately trying to avoid, which is speaking your truth.
Speak up! Woman up! Put on the big girl panties and tackle this issue head on. Off you go, be brave.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): I think it's fear on your part. Just judging from my own experience (I was married once and had too many boyfriends who were controlling), I can say that the harder it is to leave, the more uncomfortable I get in a relationship. The more committed I was to someone, and the more people knew about it, the more afraid I got. On the outside, especially since the guys didn't do anything wrong, I was considered, "lucky" to have him and I was "selflish" to leave when there was nothing "wrong" other than being uncomfortable. I was told to work on it. And work on it. And work on it. Honestly? I saw marriage/heavy committment as missing my freedom (to flirt/date/have friends over "whenever"/free time to myself/a chance to find myself etc.) Is part of you afraid you'll lose your freedom? What do you think will change now that you'll be "on paper" with him? More responsibilities? More expectations? Regardless what anyone says, that "paper" DOES change things. Privacy becomes non-existant, all decisions affect someone who isn't you. Everything is a team effort and if he brushes you off now or doesn't listen now, he's not going to listen either. I guess I'm biased against marriage in general, but I'm also too selfish to be in any relationship at all
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): Marriage is not something you can commit to with second thoughts. Say something soon before your boyfriend, now fiance, makes it worse. Do NOT feel pressured into marrying someone you do not trust whether he is cheating or not - you will regret it. This is about what you want, not anyone else. Disregard how disappointed others might be. They are not the ones who might get married and regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 February 2014):
 You need to sit him down and tell him that you ARE having second thoughts about getting engaged and THIS IS WHY: (and I quote you)
"It might be nothing but he deletes all his emails, texts, phone records. He won't answer calls if I'm in the room sometimes."
YOU need to decide or figure out HOW he can SHOW you that he IS TRUST worthy. And then you and your BF need to work on that lack of trust.
My question is, has he EVER cheated on you? (that you know of) or are you basing your information on hearsay (someone TOLD you he cheated on his ex gf) Has he done anything that shows YOU can not trust him?
Now to nitpick at your statement I used as a quote:
I organize & delete some my e-mails (except the ones from family & friends they go in a folder. Everything else (that I don't need) I delete. I like my inbox tidy.
If my phone rings and I'm in the living room - the tv, music or computers are on I walk out of the room to answer (I'm partially deaf so all that extra noise is annoying on a phone call) In good weather I take the phone outside to answer. It's not that I can't or won't talk in front of my husband & kids - I just can't see why they all need to be quiet so I can hear a phone call - it makes SENSE to me to walk away - my husband does the same, half the time. Doesn't mean it's a clandestine call.
I delete my texts. (again not all of them) some are just to funny to delete. However I RARELY text people - I have a huge aversion towards conversing in text, I'd rather talk. Hubby from time to time purge his phone (he and his brother and some of his friends texts a LOT like a bunch of teenage girls) and I don't think he deletes them because they are naughty or to hide them from me.
Now deleting phone records I DO find odd. I do NOT delete mine because it's a nice way of keeping track of when someone called - like the Vet or school in case I don't have them listed in my contact info.
My suggestion is to talk to him, BE honest and BE open.
If you think him being 100% transparent to you as far as his phone/e-mail goes will help you trust him better then TELL him that, it will be up to him to decide if that is OK with him or not. My guess is if he tries to dismiss it, he isn't willing to do what YOU NEED to ensure you feel you can trust him.
My question to you is, WHY if you have so much doubt do you live with him and "date" him? Why is he your BF? Is it OK for you that a BF cheats but not a fiance? I'm trying to figure out WHY you are with a man you essentially do not trust.
...............................
|
