A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what I can do to salvage our relationship. I have been in this relationship for 6 years now. At the beginning everything was great. Then we took the next step and I moved 5 hours away to live with him and his 5yr old daughter. Things we different immediately. I had never lived anywhere but at home with my parents. So it took a while for us to learn how to live with each other, without everything turning into an argument. Well from then on when we happened to argue, he would say "You don't love me, you think you do but you don't. You are gonna end up leaving me, so why should I try and change. If you don't like something there's the door!" OK well I learned early on that I was going to have to prove that I did love him and make sure we made it through. We fight every once in a blue moon, and he can be real mean with his words. Fast forward a few years and we are still together, happy and in love. We decide to have a kid of our own. Well motherhood changed me. It opened my eyes at all the things I had to give up to make sure my BF was happy. I could never speak my mind, We always did what he wanted, went where ever he wanted to go. He would always be extremely upset if I decided to go visit my family for more than 4 days at a time. I decided that now my son was my number 1 priority. I stopped letting him make all the decisions. I spoke my mind more. I also told him that I do love him but that I want us to be happy and if he didn't start changing, I would have to leave him. He is a great father and is good with our son. I know he loves him but as hard headed as he is, he said that he knew all along I would leave him. He isn't even willing to try to change, and I guess after 6 years he still can't see that it was my love that has kept me by his side. I do love him and the last thing I want is to separate our family but, I feel like there's no choice but to give up after all this time!!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 'OK well I learned early on that I was going to have to prove that I did love him....' HUGE mistake. You fell for the same tired, cliche old line teenage boys use with girls to get into their pants. The thing is, this tactic only works with those KNOW love us. Think about it. He doesn't say that to people he isn't close to or those he thinks don't like him. Right?The solution is simple. Stop trying to prove your love. He is not a nitwit, he's just selfish. Stop explaining and trying to reason with him. You've already started making changes, so continue and eventually it will get easier and you will see results. When he gets angry, it means he doesn't feel in control, which means you have far more power than you realise. Start using it. Think happy steamroller. The more you have going for you, the less you will rely on validation from him. Small successes lead to bigger successes which lead to even greater confidence. The next time he accuses you of not loving him. Be cheerful and act as though you didn't hear him. If he presses you could say something like 'Sorry you feel that way. I'm going out with the girls. See you in a few hours. Don't wait up.' Be brief and cheerful (but not sickeningly so). The more you say the more ammunition you give him and the more likely you are to trip over your own words. You can always fake it until you make it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 People change. You've changed. If he can't change to match or meet your changes, then there is not much hope for the relationship.
It sounds to me like he is perfectly happy with you there or not... If he is not willing to compromise, then you don't have a choice.
contact an attorney to make sure your child is provided for. (much easier to do if you were married but you still can get it handled) Once you know what you need to do to get the appropriate child support, figure out where you want to go and when... start making those plans.
IF he won't change (and it will require him to WANT to change and probably go to counseling) then you put the plans to leave in motion.
IF you stay, the emotional abuse your partner heaps on you will teach your son that's how you treat a partner. Leaving is in his best interest as well as yours if his dad won't step up and be a grown up partner to you.
Being a good dad is not enough, being a good spouse/partner is critical too.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (28 March 2013):
After all that time and your son and as you still love him but not his behaviour.Would you consider having an indept chat with him and tell him you still love him but would need his help to make this relationship work.Also would you ask him to go to a counsellor with you as you consider tjis relationship Worth Saving.I know this is very difficult for you but do give it more time.Best Wishes Nora B.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): You made your choices more difficult when you introduced a second child into your complicated relationship. You didn't really repair the problem between the two of you, you merely became more passive to keep the peace. I've been there and I've done that. Mean controlling people never change. They simply use a different style of control, or they are more subtle about how they manipulate you. When you became a mother, your maternal instincts and senses of protection for your son became keener.You want the best environment for the children, and you've become a stronger person. You now have the courage to stand up for yourself like a lioness. You aren't only doing this for you, you said it loud and clear...your son is your number 1 priority. It isn't just about you anymore.He reminds you all the time that you're going to leave him as reinforcement of his refusal to change. The old adage of "take it or leave it." He is also indirectly telling you, he is leaving you, if you don't behave like a good little girl.You don't have to take it, and you have every right to leave a situation that is emotionally toxic.Instead of simply leaving, this is one of the few instances that I do suggest that you seek family counseling first. There are children involved, and they need to see that their parents have made every possible effort to keep their family intact. They see everything that is going on. As they grow older, they become more aware of the negative issues in your marriage. They see you cry, they hear him talking down to you, and they share the misery and sadness they see in their mother's eyes after a fight. Your son will pick up this style of bullying women. It's unhealthy and dangerous.He will most likely resist attending counseling; so you have to go by yourself. It has been my own experience that control freaks fear any possible break-down in their reign of power. Your chance to speak out with support. A third party to referee, and dilute his hold and control. He can't shout you down and bully you. He'll step up his control tactics to put you in your place. He'll make life hell. This is where you have to remain calm and determined. You can't be a wimp. Earn your respect!Please make sure the children are not affected by too much yelling. You must monitor your arguments in front of them. Counseling will help you to achieve the tools needed to over-come your feelings helplessness, or being powerless.However, something tells me you're already learning on your own. You have reached the final straw. Seek family support as well. Where's your parents and siblings in all this?Sometimes handing down the ultimatum of leaving him if he doesn't change will work; but people become immune to hollow threats. You have to gather all your courage and simply inform him that you feel he has been manipulative and controlling. He must be clearly told that you are unhappy, fed up, and that you refuse to raise the children in an environment like that.He can have all the tantrums and fits he likes, but you will no longer tolerate them; nor be treated less than an equal in your marriage. You can tell him his predictions about you leaving are about to come true. Thanks to all his help.If he saw it coming, why wouldn't he change to avoid it?You will not settle for promises, you want to see real change and he is on notice. Then get yourself a lawyer.The secret to over-coming all of this, is to assume your role as an equal. You can't buckle under his harsh words. You are a lioness protecting her cubs, and you have the power to turn it all around. You will seek counseling, you will stand up to his bullying, and you will raise your children in a safe, child-friendly, and happy environment.There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. You will not always agree. You don't have to feel like you're one of the children, being over-ruled at every turn. You are a grown woman with a say in your marriage. You are the mother of his children, and his partner. Not his servant.If all reasonable efforts fail... Leave, and make sure he takes full financial responsibility for the child you both brought into this world. Make sure he is a good father, and don't take any more rubbish from him ever again! It will not be easy. If you have to face the world as a single-mom; you may as well exercise your assertiveness right now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): "I do love him and the last thing I want is to separate our family but, I feel like there's no choice but to give up after all this time!!!"You have only one choice but it's not giving up, it's accepting the cold harsh reality of your situation: live-in boyfriend/baby daddy is who he is and he's never going to change. Unfortunately you made two disastrous decisions when you moved in with a long-distance stranger and then had a kid with the wrong guy so now you're stuck; your son needs an active and involved father in his life yet you need to dump your controlling boyfriend yesterday. Technically you wouldn't be separating a family given that you have no legal relationship to your son's father and half-sister absent a marriage certificate, so all you can do is see a lawyer about obtaining court orders of child support and visitation while hoping to get as equitable a division of property as you can. Considering that as an unmarried couple you have no joint assets and no joint property, the unfortunate fallout is when out-of-wedlock parents split up.
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