A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just had a fight with my bf and I don't understand what went wrong. He's been in school for the past year and a half getting an associate degree and planning on going to a different college next. He's also 32. The argument was about why he's going to school. My point was that he should try to figure out what it is that he wants to do and make that his goal, so that his education goes towards that goal too. And he was saying that most people don't know what they want to do and it's ok. You go to college and you may end up doing something completely different. Which is true. But I think that at his age he should have a little idea of what he wants. Maybe just an overall direction?It's fine when you're 22 and you have so much time ahead of you but at 32 it might be good to have some kind of a plan and not go to college and invest a ton of money just for the sake of going to college. He was just all defensive and not valuing any of my suggestions. He even made fun of me, saying that I was miserable at my job and disrespecting what I do for work (I have a corporate job). Am I completely wrong here? I'm starting to think that I should just stay out of it and not give my opinion at all but I care about him.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (28 March 2013):
 I agree that you both have valid points but.. I DO agree at 32 you should have a WAY more cleared idea of what kind of job/career filed you plan ahead for when getting a degree.
I have 2 degrees (on bachelor) and I have used neither. I got them both to please my parents. If I could do it over, I would have gone a whole other route, however, that really doesn't mean I would be working is that field either. It's hard to say.
Him going to college does that affect YOU financially? If not, then I have to say.. it's his money (or loan) so it should be up to him.
Not everyone are good at planning ahead or having clear goals.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): You've given valid advice and your opinion is solid. His ego may not allow him to accept your reasoning, and he doesn't want to appear to be aimless, stupid, or undecided. Your opinions shouldn't make him feel that way.Men listen to plenty of opinions all the time. Said aloud or implied. The sources may vary. Men are not the heavies in every given situation. Women are not the victims. You've made your feelings apparent to him, and now you can step back; because you've planted the seed and made your point. I'm almost certain that you'll re-address the issue as often as you feel necessary.You shouldn't over-stress your position. Don't be afraid to reinforce it when you "actually" see him waning and going nowhere; and when it makes a direct impact on YOUR life. If you're considering marriage in the future, and feel insecure about where he's going. Maybe you should look elsewhere. You shouldn't have to financially support anyone but yourself. You should only "share" in financially supporting a family; or if only the two of you.If you are paying the bills while he's in school, bail out if it's too much for you. Indecision is his problem, it shouldn't be made yours.However; that doesn't seem to truly be the case here. You feel impatient and want to see immediate progress. You're making comparisons and drawing conclusions. Thus he's on the defensive.You are his girlfriend, and entitled to your opinions. However; there is a limit. It's his life. He is an adult, and doesn't require you to assume the role of his mother.If he isn't moving fast enough for you, you can always remove yourself; and find someone else successful. Someone who has already achieved their goals. Or you can stay and help him to grow, and grow together. We all know that life decisions are easier made earlier in your life. Once you get older, your options grow fewer. You hope to spend the remainder of your life doing what you love to do. It may not always be possible. He knows this.Yes, he should be working toward a goal and reached it by now; by any standard. He isn't you, and it isn't your life. If he's going no where, and you think so, leave him. Now.However; he is correct to some extent, as well. He doesn't want to become or remain a part of the status quo. You can't plan his life for him, and he doesn't need you preaching to him how he should pursue his education. In spite of it all, he's old enough to know. Your advice was constructive at the beginning of your post, then digressed to condescension and negative criticism.He has to find what his real strengths are, rediscover where his interests really lie; then where he can effectively apply them. Job trends and where they're going these days stay up in the air. We are living in a stagnant economy that is scaring the hell out of employers. Students now seeking higher education don't really know which employers are going to be actively hiring (let alone still in existence) when their education is complete. You're smug, mature, professional, and already established. You'll never know when YOU may be forced to seek employment elsewhere; due to economic changes, and business decisions made beyond your control. That's life in the corporate world. You could be searching for work for months, if not years. That's an economic reality.Someone younger and fresh out of college can replace you at any given time. Paid less, no benefits, with less experience, and having exactly the same academic credentials. To back the point, he was making to you; but he was on the defensive. So he missed the mark. He is still a student during a time when there is a downturn in our economy. The decisions he makes now better be correct, cost-effective, and most practical to his needs. He may be conflicted and delayed; because he is afraid he may not make a choice that pleases you. He may not have the degree of ambition and academic ability that you think he should have. You may have very high expectations. He will need to be flexible and stay abreast of the trends as our socioeconomic environment changes. He doesn't really seem to know where he fits yet.As you rightfully have pointed out. He has to also fit his education within limited time and financing. Being critical isn't helping his situation. He'll be nearly 40 upon graduation. Finding a school, how to pay for it, and how to support yourself while attending school is stressful enough.It annoys him; because you speak from what he perceives to be a self-righteous point of view.The implied message is as follows:"I have a job, I'm successful, and I know where I'm going. You don't seem to know. You are have no direction, no goals, and I'm getting tired of waiting." That is what I read from your post. He get's the message.The positive side of all of this, is that HE IS seeking an education. He will at some point find his true calling. It isn't your responsibility to decide when, where, or how. No more than he should decide for you. All men don't devalue women's opinions. We don't have to swallow them all either. They should be offered if they are effective, motivating, and beneficial. Only a darned fool dismisses good advice. When you are critical, toxic, or emasculating during an argument... good advice gets lost in the heat of the moment.The point is, all good intentions aside; he can remove you from the equation; if the math isn't good enough for you.Fine that it worked so well for janniepeg's relatives; but there is no true evidence that it was altogether necessary; nor that any over-stressed opinions from others had any real impact on the outcome. They can take credit if they like. We don't know the opinion of the recipients; nor in what dosages these suggestions were given. He is obviously a late-bloomer; but don't ride him too much, or he'll buck you off completely. A lot of people who already have multiple or advanced degrees; have to return to school to re-educate in totally different fields. Even older than he is! You can beat him down until he gives up in defeat. It hurts coming from you, if you lose faith.You can and should remain his adviser, inspiration, and motivator. Don't imply he is a loser; because sometimes your delivery changes the true meaning of what you are trying to convey. Thus, you get a negative reaction to positive advice.Your gender has nothing to do with his personal life-decisions. You're either an inspiration or a nag. You're supposed to be supportive. He's 32 years old, he knows what he has to do. I am speaking to you as a man.It all depends on how your opinions and suggestions are delivered and received. Doesn't it?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (28 March 2013):
I'm 24 and I tell my younger relatives all the time that they should really have a clear idea or at least an ambition before they choose what education they'll follow after HS. I know what it's like to get it wrong.
In June I will complete my second degree and it turned out not to be something I want to do. I won't say it's been a complete waste of time (no degree is) but I often wish I could go back in time and smack some sense into my younger self, because that would have saved me 8 years of studying and tons of money. (I graduated early from HS, at 16).
Anyway, I totally get where you're coming from. And if the crisis wasn't there, there would be some leeway. Maybe he'll land on his feet and everything is fine. Or maybe he'll just be more lost than before (and with a lot less money) in a broken economy. You struck a nerve for him to lash out to you like that.
I'd say: "Do you really think I'd tell you my opinion on your education plans if I didn't care about you? I'm not trying to hurt you. I just think you should put more thought into it. Know your destination first, then start planning the route. That's the normal course of action and the cheapest too."
If he reacts badly, leave it be. But I'd wonder if I'd want to stick with a guy who isn't open to feedback and quite naive too. Sure, the world is full with cute stories about people who gambled big and won. Sensible people know that for every one of those, there are hundreds of others that don't have a happy ending.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Well I for one can tell you that often it does not matter what the degree is in, employers look for college graduates because it shows that you can follow through with something.
I even heard this on NPR this morning... employers will hire college graduates over high school grads even if the job does not require a college degree because it's believed college grads show initiative, that they show they can complete a job (follow through) and that they will show up.
I can tell you I started college and expected to be a teacher. I dropped out in my senior year and didn't go back for a long time... when I went back I was working so teaching was not an option. I wanted the degree however so I got a degree in psychology. Guess what I do for a living? I'm an IT Specialist focusing on Network Security within the AD structure. Know what got me the job? HAVING THE DEGREE. I did not get my degree until 23 years after I graduated High School, but the reason I got hired for this job was SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE I HAD A COLLEGE DEGREE AND IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO COMPLETE IT. They hired me not on knowledge but rather on the belief that I had "stick to it ness"
BTW I was 44 when I got the job I'm in now.
So I don't know that he's that far off the mark.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 If you have only been dating for months then I would say stay out of it. If you intend to marry him in the future and your money would be combined, then you should be concerned. Men and women are supposed to be equal but men still think they should feel like the leader and more superior than women, even when they are not. Your argument stirred something in him and he got defensive. It wasn't a fruitful, analytical one. He just wanted to go ahead with his education and end the argument by putting you down.
It is not uncommon for girlfriends to suggest what their boyfriends do in life. My mom did in to my dad. My aunt did it for her husband. They are both successful. His strong reaction to this means that he is clueless about the future and he wants the comfort and promise that a college could provide.
When a 32 year old goes to school not to supplement knowledge for what he is doing in his career, but instead he goes there to pass the time in order not to think, school becomes a daycare for adult.
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A
female
reader, haribo158  +, writes (28 March 2013):
By the sounds of it you both have valid points,Personally I think education should be an ongoing thing, in fact it's hugely important, who says that just because you're 32 you can't try and achieve a better education? He may well have goals, though often, as people tend to be proud, we are reluctant to reveal them to our closest confidantes, or even ourselves, because we fear that if it all goes south then we'll end up looking like a failure. Or another possibility is that he doesn't have any goals, for similar reasons, and is feeling a bit lost, another feeling that's very hard to realise, let alone own up to.So on this point, I would try asking him about what his goals are, not becuase you're worried or anything, simply as a friend. I'm sure you only worry about his future because you care, so why don't you make him understand this, and that you were in fact not trying to patronise him?His mean comments about your job were unreasonable and again it's worth bringing this up, in a calm and reasonable manner, just let him know how it hurt you. It;s not excusable to insult someone like this but as a man perhaps he felt his pride on the line, with his girlfriend at work and himself still in school?Good luck
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