New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login238980 questions, 1055386 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I feel I shouldn't move in til he sorts his children's visitation issue.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Family, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 December 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2018)
A female United States age 41-50, *neasy writes:

I have been dating my bf for 2 years now. we live separately for the moment he has his home and I have mine. He has asked me to move in his home but, I have declined at the moment for this story I will tell. he has 3 children 9,10 and 18. I have two 5 and 10 we do not have children together. He has been separated from his ex for about 6 years now and I going into the relationship did not see he was some what emotionally attached to his ex . This has been a quite an experience ..its been stressful for the fact that he had not set boundaries with her til the later part of this second year that ive been with him which has now caused her to stop sending his children she states they do not want to come and when he does show up on his visitation time the children again state they do not wish to visit with him. I feel she has brain washed them . He is not in any way a threat to his children. its been 8 months now that his children have not been over on their visit times. he has also, insisted on lunch or dinner and they have declined. So heres where I come in.. I do like his children and his ex I have never met her . he pays his child support faithfully weekly. He is good with my kids as well ..He has asked me to move in .. in the near future but, I feel he needs to get an enforcement placed on his child visit court order so his ex knows who the boss is ...the court paper.. he has seeked advice of an attorney but has made no effort to document nothing on his calendar as asked by the legal secretary. I know its on his time and if he wants to persue this matter but I don't know how to feel about giving this relationship more time if he doesn't put all pieces to this puzzle in order

View related questions: his ex

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (9 January 2018):

Ciar agony auntI agree with Honeypie, especially with the last sentence.

His lawyer is not going to go in guns blazing because YOU'RE annoyed and anxious to move forward. These things can be VERY nasty as he well knows. He has only just become involved and will proceed accordingly.

I think inserting yourself in this is only going to cause everyone more stress. Remember, OP, the only thing keeping you there is your feelings. You have no legal ties to him or kids in common which his ex does. It's not your place to take a tough stance here. They are going to be involved with one another for the rest of their lives so this is about ultimately resolving this, not satisfying your anger.

Butt out.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

[EDIT]:

"They know he wants to see them; and feel they are exercising their own authority by refusing to see him."

"They are pre-conditioned and stung by his first separation from the family."

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

It's very apparent that the 8 and 10 year-olds are being influenced and manipulated by both their mother and older sister. They're totally convinced you're behind everything their father is doing to their mother/family. They refuse to see him; as long as he is seeing YOU! You and your kids are forming a new family; while pulling theirs apart.

You have to see it through their little eyes.

The 18 year-old is their contemporary. Being closer to their age, she can convince the younger children that if they hold-out; their parents will be forced to get back together.

I don't think the mother alone could poison their minds so easily. Kids start to get suspicious when their parents turn on each other; but older siblings know how to reach their sensitivities and speak to them in a totally different language. They will do whatever sis does or says.

They've all formed a band of resistance; and have a small army to save their dad from YOU! They just want things back like they were.

Unless a lawyer is working pro bono; you get what you pay for. The attorney might want a larger retainer, if he takes on a full-blown court-case. First he's going into the bargain-bin and offering written-threats. Sometimes that's all it takes. Your boyfriend is purposely being careful about lowering the boom on their mother. They've been through a divorce; and the kids went through it with them! They're still traumatized! Before you showed-up; at least they were all getting along.

Be mindful. If she shows them letters that he's on the attack; it will only convince them to be even more adamant about refusing to see their father.

Younger children can refuse visits if they show signs of stress; or seem distraught over visits. They are definitely being coached, and fed misinformation; so they will invariably refuse to see him every-time he seeks visitation.

The problem now is the children are mind-poisoned. He should do everything behind the scenes with his attorney; but he should physically back-off a little on the kids. They know he wants to see them; and feel they are exercising their own authority by refusing to him. If he has to take it to court; it's what he has to do. I don't think your boyfriend wants to go that route; and if it weren't for you, he probably wouldn't have to.

I'm going to speculate that much of this is on your boyfriend. You yourself said he was acting pretty chummy with their mother. This planted the perception in the kid's heads that they were on the verge of reconciliation; until you came along. Then their mother and older-sister went into attack-mode. Younger kids do have their own minds; but unless their father is terribly mean to them, they don't turn on him so easily. Certainly not solely based on what their mother says. They go by what they see. They eventually start to miss him. They're too young to keep this up.

Don't forget. Unless they are abused or antisocial; very young children don't just turn on people without being hurt or frightened by them. To turn them against their dad, they have to be coerced.

Their innocent young minds can't hold-on to vindictiveness. Freezing-out their own father; unless they were given a daily-dose of poison from mom and Big Sis. They are per-conditioned and stung by his first separation from the family.

Mom is not acting alone! She has a co-conspirator who knows how to get into their minds using her youth to her advantage. Stop and think-back to being a kid. How one kid in the school-yard could turn nearly the whole school against another.

He was their father. They were happy and altogether once upon a time. He and their mom were starting to be civil to each other following their divorce. He was buttering her up and making her feel he still loved her; mainly so he wouldn't look like a dick for divorcing her. According to you, he still has a thing for her. Well, the kids think so too!

This baby-mama drama is going to take a toll on you and your kids. If you're stressed, your kids will be stressed too. My opinion is it would have been better to have met this man a few years after his divorce. At this moment, he's right smack-dab in the middle of family-drama leading to a court-battle over visitation-rights. He seems too broke for a good lawyer, and not really eager to hurt her anymore than he has to.

I hate to suggest this; but you might have to give-up on this one.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe lawyer might go a certain route - a "let's try and do this in a gentle way" before pulling out the alienating of the dad. That part is more for a judge to hear.

The thing is that the kids at 9 and 10 (the 18 year old can do what she/he wants technically) but the two younger ones are CLOSE enough to the age where they CAN decide certain things themselves. BUT they can not ( I think at this age choose NOT to see their father unless there is a VALID reason, the whole - "we don't like what he did to mom or we don't want mom to be upset or we don't like dad's new GF and her kids" none of those are valid reasons.

If (or should I say when) he starts having visitation again I think the BEST you can do for HIM (and his kids) is to LET them have these visits UNINTERRUPTED by you and yours. HE needs to re-bond (in lack of a better word) with his kids. As much as I get that you want to support him and support the kids - my advice to you is to LET HIM and the kids get time together WITHOUT you and your kids. At least to begin with.

Why do I say that? Because the mother can not use YOU or YOUR involvement as a reason for them to not visit.

And I get it's annoying to not move things along faster or in a way YOU would like, you need to butt out and let him and his lawyer work this out.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, uneasy United States +, writes (8 January 2018):

uneasy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

my bf finally made it to see an attorney and I am not satisfied with the out come . first and for most he finally did get to visit with an attorney which was the best decision in getting the mom to possibly comply with their child visitation agreement which just :in brief he has not had a visit with his kids 8, and 10 its been 10 months NOW plus many prior where shes withheld them she really has a lot to do with this she has been really bitter since I have known my bf its been two years now his children not respect their father. okay why am I not satisfied.. we spoke a day prior to him seeing his attorney and went over just a brief review of why children don't come and in all honesty it is because the mother has kept them away for not only these 10 months but at times prior as well she is in control . so this is what was going to be talked about at his visit with the attorney I did not go,, when all was done later in the evening we met for dinner for he was to tell me all about the visit with the attorney, lawyer for 200.00 will send her a letter in the mail stating that he will hire an attorney if she doesn't comply with child visits .. I felt this is a slap on her little hand , I think if she declines she is able to hire an attorney and they will go to court .. but lets say she complies we still have a long road ahead of with his ex playing her games with their childrens thinking. y bf stated the lawyer did not pay no mind to her alienating their children from their dad... or I don't know if my bf went in strongly

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, holeymoley Australia + , writes (5 January 2018):

holeymoley agony auntI still stand by my first post. Let him and his lawyer sort through it as best they can. You will be made a target and scapegoat pawn in a messy situation. Living together you simply cant get away from it and it can be taxing, VERY taxing on a relationship and your overall wellbeing. Preserve your own sanity, be supportive but not involved and especially from under the same roof. Good luck I hope the road is very short to a happy ending, if that is at all possible

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (4 January 2018):

You need to support your boyfriend but you should stay out of it. You say he is seeing an attorney. Let the mouth piece advise him.

And it still applies; do not move in with him until all of this is sorted.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

I think you need to stay out of it.

I get that you are on the side line watching all this but HE needs to DO this and HE needs to work through with a lawyer on what is BEST for the kids.

It does sound like she is using the kids and alienating their dad in the same stroke. But I also think after a certain age the kids SHOULD have the choice if they want to see the other parent, for me though it really comes down to WHAT is best for the kids.

I really don't understand people who do this to their kids. I really don't.

All the mom is doing, is making the kids insecure, distrustful and doubting, not only in their dad but they will bring that with them into relationships, friendships etc. And that is just freaking sad.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, uneasy United States +, writes (4 January 2018):

uneasy is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your responses I'm very thankful for all the helpful advice. I need your opinion please. I wanted to give you an update.. my bf is finally going to see a lawyer this week however, mind you he has not had an actual visit with his children as of april 2017. but has tried to have visits with them but they decline each time with their older sister having the control to say no and their mother allowing them to decide . he finally was advised by a legal assistant at the attny generals office to start video taping his visits starting in September 2017 thru December 2017 then with enough evidence he could seek an attorney for enforcement of child visits each time the children have again refused the visit with their dad and their mother agreeing with their decision there is no written clause in his child visitation agreement that he is a danger to his children or are their any restrictions.. before, I started dating him he had them every week they never stayed the night .. per their verbal agreement so coparenting times with his kids were .. thurs.. fri and Saturday from 3pm til about 11:30pm. then, during these times as I and my boys grew close to his kids .. it seemed she was getting abit uncomfortable with the idea I was now in his life she would then send cell phones with the kids which she texted often and called wanted to know at all times where they were..there were times the kids asked ... my mom wants to know if your my dads gf or just his friend .. my mom SAYES My dad cant discipline us.. my mom said they were never married so he has no right to get on to us ..my mom calls my dad an old man {she is 12years younger than him] my dad drank a lot when they were together .. I said sweety your dad is a better person now and he loves u all.when the his oldest daughter graduated from high school this past summer her mother posted a picture of her in cap and gown on her fb and it said I'm proud of you and I want you to know your dad said you would not amount to anything..i was furios for he bought her ..her senior ring and his gift to her was money...he stayed silent . my bf when I met him was bent over backwards at their school programs weekly it seemed or at Walmart picking up prescriptions or valentines gifts or ect for his kids. it seemed she was never involved.. and for the same reason idk if he did these things for his kids or to please his ex .. he never put his foot down till finally a year later he decided I'm in a relationship now and I will introduce using the child visitation schedule and she declined and this is where we are now. my question should my bf just present he has not seen his children since September thru December 2017 or should he show she has done parental alientation. thank you

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 December 2017):

Honeypie agony aunt1. I think you are smart in using some common sense here.

2. You don't know what REALLY went down that resulted in the divorce.

3. Paying Child support is GOOD, but it doesn't mean he was a good husband and father to his family. Just saying. There are ALWAYS two sides to a story.

4. It's not uncommon for kids (at any age) to side with the parent they live with. Doesn't always mean that the mom is talking smack. doesn't mean she isn't.

But Yes, HE needs to sort his drama out and MAKE it work for a good long while before you should even consider living with him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (23 December 2017):

Sadly A clear case of parental alienation. Started by the fact that he has moved on and she hasn’t.

You’re right not to move in until he has this sorted. The stress would not be good for you your kids or your relationship with him.

I know you didn’t ask but assuming he gets things worked out and you move in together you might want to discuss living somewhere that is not his place or your place but a place the two of you pick out together.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (23 December 2017):

Please excuse my typos and grammatical errors. I'm using a new laptop, and I'm trying to get used to the keyboard. I have made some edits below.

I meant to say:

"It is likely she is playing mind-games on the kids; because they are at the most impressionable ages. They have some concept of the family-unit and relationships. They will naturally side with their mom; because they don't want her to be lonely. Kids in divorces often live for the hope their parents will get back together."

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (23 December 2017):

You are very wise. He has to get his child-custody and visitation in order before you get yourself and your kids caught-up in his baby-mama drama. It is likes she is playing mind-games on the kids, because they are at that most impressionable ages. The have some concept of family and relationships; they are siding with their mom because they don't want her to be lonely. Kids always live for the hope their parents will get back together.

If he butters her up to stay on good-terms; he's giving her the false-impression he's still emotionally-attached. He should have set the boundaries the first year. If he wasn't quite sure about you and keeping one foot in the door with her; he was playing you both. He wanted options!

Stay put. Don't move-in. Set yourself a time-table. If he doesn't get his ducks in a row by a certain deadline; don't move in. You'll be in the midst of his ex-wife drama, and that will carry-over to the children.

The fact you two women have never met is a bad sign. He's keeping you two separated, and being the rooster in-between.

The kids may turn on each other choosing sides. If you move-in, and he hasn't gotten his ex and visitation-schedules legally situated.

The 18 year-old has a lot of influence on how the younger kids think and behave. It might not be his ex-wife entirely. If the 18 year-old is female, she could be influencing things between her parents and the younger kids. Boys tend to just go with the flow, or just stay neutral about dads and their new girlfriends. They will be protective of their moms, but they won't rile the younger siblings. Unless their dad is a total dick. Then it's on!

Just a side-note. I wouldn't give my heart to someone who still feels heart-tweaks for his ex. For me, it's all or nothing.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, holeymoley Australia + , writes (22 December 2017):

holeymoley agony auntI wouldn't if it were me. It all sounds a bit too messy atm. Stress and unfinished ex business is not a good start to living happy under the same roof. Relationships can work just as well from not living together.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (22 December 2017):

Ciar agony auntI wouldn't give it any more time.

For one thing, you don't know anything about their marriage or it's demise other than what he tells you. You've never met the woman yourself, never sized her up and don't know what she's had to put up with. I suspect you and she have more in common than you realise.

For another, you've never lived with him and never had to really rely on him. You have your own home, presumably your own money and time and space away from him. His family know him better and have known him longer than you ever will. He's nice to your kids. That's good, but he's not raising them, he doesn't see them round the clock. How difficult can it be to 'be nice' to them?

You know what he tells you. They have seen him in action (or inaction as the case may be) and maybe he's learned from some of the mistakes he made with them and now you're seeing a better version of him. I suggest you re-evaluate your judgments.

He's got unfinished business elsewhere and seems disinclined to sort that out. So, I agree you might want to consider moving on. And, in future, don't be so quick to believe what a man tells you about his ex.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I feel I shouldn't move in til he sorts his children's visitation issue."

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0468745999987732!