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I don't want to know about a girl's sexual past. Why do women find that shallow?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 June 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2012)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Why do women find my rule shallow? I have this rule when dating that I absolutely DO NOT want to know anything about a girls past sexually. I have this rule because I'm a virgin and I already know that everyone else has a past and to refrain from retroactive jealousy I put this rule in place. So far I've gotten rid of 3 potential girlfriends and one girlfriend because they were idiots and broke the rule. I do not understand women, why you need to share your past with someone you are dating because its stupid. I sometimes wonder if there is a woman out there for me because I have such high standards. People call me shallow for judging but I would not judge if they would not say anything. Please can I get advice on how to get across to potential girlfriends why they should not say anything about themselves?

View related questions: jealous, sexual past

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2012):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntYour rule is the very opposite of shallow!

I completely agree and never EVER discuss this kind of thing with men I date. If he brings up the subject of "how many" I change the subject.

I can't think why these girls want to discuss it with you. Maybe don't verbalise is as a "rule" in future, but make it clear that you don't wish to discuss it if the subject comes up. I suppose that if you declare a "rule" it might make a girl fascinated and want to talk about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012):

"Please can I get advice on how to get across to potential girlfriends why they should not say anything about themselves?"

Because, as has been pointed out, never being able to discuss anything about prior life experiences does make getting to know someone rather difficult. As the previous answerer stated, your rule needs to be relaxed somewhat because in its current rigid state, it's just as unhealthy and destructive as those guys at the opposite end of the spectrum who demand to know every last detail of their ladies' lives and experiences.

At risk of offending, if you don't want to be perceived as 'shallow' or 'judgemental', statements such as "I sometimes wonder if there is a woman out there for me because I have such high standards" are probably best kept to yourself.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (1 June 2012):

Yos agony auntIt's a good rule. I follow it myself. Well, up to a point. I want to know about the 'big things' in her past: the main relationships and the rough course her life has taken before meeting me. But i certainly don't want to know about things like number of sexual partners and those teenage mistakes that she's no doubt as keen to forget as I would be if i knew about them.

You don't need to be threatened by their pasts however. If these girls are telling you details then you're doing something wrong with the communication with them.

I would suggest modifying your rule to include knowing about the main things: it's almost impossible to have a normal time with someone without some references to any major previous relationships coming up. Plus you'll find yourself wondering about it anyway, such as if she describes a nice holiday you'll be thinking : 'i wonder if she was with her boyfriend there' etc.

Do that but at the same time do say you don't want to know number of sexual partners, specifics about sex, plus any of the meaningless random stuff. I personally think that's both realistic and reasonable. Plus a lot more pragmatic than your current absolutists approach.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 June 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI think your rule makes sense, up to a point. Discussing past partners and past sexual experience can often lead to drama.

However, I think you are going a little overboard with the : "OMG she broke the rule, off with her head" attitude.

Maybe you should be looking for someone with the same values as yourself instead of expecting every women to feel like you do, right off the bat?

Some men and women want to share their past because they feel it's a way of showing you (general you) WHO they ARE and where they came from. And that they are honest about themselves and their past. By laying it all out there there should be no reason to not trust them.

I don't think you have too high standards, but I do think you perhaps is a little unrealistic in your demands. Kind of like you want to stick your fingers in your ears and go:" na-na-na I can't hear you". If they want to talk about their past. It's not like you are doing it for them. But you want THEM to do this for you or else.

Maybe you need to consider dating a virgin. That way neither of you will have a sexual past.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (1 June 2012):

Ciar agony auntAs I've understood your post you're not judging women for having a past. You've just decided you don't want to hear about it. I think that's reasonable enough.

This isn't a woman thing. Men are known to blather on about their sexual histories as well and they've been known to question women about theirs. The women you've been dating are probably unaccustomed to a man not wanting to know and mistake your rule for a moral judgment. Others may resent being denied the chance to brag.

In any event don't see them as failed relationships, but part of the vetting process. You're weeding out the incompatible and there will lots of those.

Either be patient and let the right one come to you or re-evaluate the type of women you've been going out with.

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A female reader, agneeman South Africa +, writes (1 June 2012):

agneeman agony auntlet them go ahead and call you shallow. They suck. It is awful picturing your partners sexual past, especially when u haven't done that thing. You are cleverer than I was... Good choice. And ur wrong about there not being a virgins at your age. Many people wait...

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A male reader, downonmyluck United States +, writes (1 June 2012):

hi, I know where you're coming from in asking about a girls sexual past.Being your a virgin yet I can understand that. You certainly don't want to hear about some girl having more sexual experiences that you. Here's my recommendations to you provided your old enough to take on responsibilities for your own actions...First of all you need to look at the other side of the coin here too & realize having sex with some girl already experienced may actually help you to achieve your physical desires. Another really important thing to consider here is that it would be in your best interest to actually let her tell you about her past experiences. Ya, I know you don't want to know about it.. like you;ve already said..BUT I know if I was still a virgin yet(which I'm not) I would certainly want to know about her sex life from her past as far as having any STD are concerned!! Also what you may not realize is that she may have some fears & problems with having sex that she may have not have discussed with you yet. So just look a bit farther into this ok? You can be selective in your dates by "weeding out" the bad ones...just be careful & good luck!

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