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My family feel that if my 27 year old boyfriend is having sex with me, then he should pay for ALL my expenses! And the poor guy does enough already!

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 June 2012) 13 Answers - (Newest, 2 June 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Ive been dating my boyfriend almost a year, im 19, he's 27 he also lives 3 hours away but visits every weekend. He pays for 99% of everything when we're together the hotels, dinner, movies, concerts etc. I havent worked in about 5 months i cant seem to find work, but my family gladly financially supports me until im able to find work. Today my mother came in the room and started scorning me, telling me if im going to have sex and spend the weekend with my boyfriend, seeing that hes also 27.. that he should pay my phone bill, get my hair done, and give me excessive spending money because none of the things he does benefits me only him because he gets to have sex with me at the end of the day. My family doesnt think him driving 3 hours every weekend, spending 2-$300 on hotels, food and dates are enough.They want him to pay for everything. What do i do? Its ripping my relationship apart with my family.

View related questions: money, my ex

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (2 June 2012):

Like everyone else I can't understand why your family feels this way, but they seem like a stubborn bunch and you're outnumbered. So what I would do is this:

#1. Keep your own expenses minimal. This means less money for clothes, hairdresser, beauty products, etc. To keep things still fun:

- recut old T-shirts (plenty of youtube tutorials)

- learn to braid your hair different ways rather than using hair sprays and such,

- color your hair closer to your natural hair color (if it's not that already) so you don't have to dye regularly.

- Get cheap makeup and mix the shades to get one that fits you.

- When you and your bf go out for dinner, opt for a cheap place or a buffet. -- Instead of hotels go to B&B's and youth hostels.

These are just some suggestions, I have no idea how you spend your money so I'm just taking a stab in the dark here.

#2. Make small talk with your family. No longer involve them in your private life. Avoid arguments by simply not responding to baiting comments or simply shrugging. If you have to answer, just say "if that's what you believe..." and then trail off. Don't acknowledge anything so they don't have a clear shot at you, so to speak. Basically act like a guest instead of a daughter who includes them in life. Be hospitable and gentle, but nothing more. They need to earn back your trust.

#3. Explain the situation to your boyfriend and work out a plan so he doesn't have to spend so much money. Work as hard as you can at your new job because it's not good to depend on him so much, even if he is 8 years older than you.

Good luck OP, you seem smart and sensible. Too bad your family isn't.

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A male reader, Starmonster888 United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2012):

Starmonster888 agony auntWell, if it's a case of your lifestyle choice versus religious ethos, then we're going to have to consider the likely possiblity that you family's mind on the matter will not change. The fact of the situation is that at some point you had a paradigm shift between the way parents view life and the way you, as an individual, view life and the two perceptions just dont coincide, which makes it difficult to coexist. In essence, what's happened is that you've grown up.

The only viable solution I can think of is standing your ground until you're stable enough to be self-reliant. They are going to be unyielding on the matter, so challenge their adamancy with your own inertia. A little subtle rebellion.Take heed of Anonymous123's awesome advice because it is like a remedy for a bonding agent; minimal contact and some space will help keeping you close with you family. The simple reason being it leaves less room for conflict.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (2 June 2012):

Anonymous 123 agony auntTo add to my previous answer, maybe your grandma thinks badly of you because she knows you are having sex with this guy and she cant deal with that. Although, its none of her business! Maybe this is your family's way of 'punishing' you for having sex outside marriage, its like, "if you are fine with having sex with him and have no problems with that, then let him take full responsibility for you and pay for you". I dont know why their logic is so warped and why on earth they are so into your sex life, but all I can say is that, have minimal contact with them, get a job and ask them to just keep their comments to themselves and stop meddling into your life

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

today i visited my grandparents and asked why she felt that way and we ended up getting into an arguement. Then her whole relgion thing came up about not having sex before marriage which had nothing to do with what i asked, and my family would never go visit for dinner because they could care less about him. He has been over for dinner several times but they just smile in his face.

Other News...

I recieved an email saying i got a job i applied for 2 days ago and i go to orientation on Tuesday. :) its only for 90 days at the moment, But if they likd me they will keep me.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (2 June 2012):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI fail to understand why your family is treating you in this way. All I can say is, get out of that house, get a job and have minimal contact with them. I don't think they will change.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntOP I agree with you totally. He should not be doing everything for you, just what he wants to do that you are comfortable having him do.

Personally I’d ask your mom if she wants you to be a prostitute. When she says NO (because what mother wants that for her daughter)…. Then ask her what is the difference between prostitution and what she’s suggesting for your BF to do…. Let her hang herself hon.

And start figuring out a way to get some income and get the heck out of the house.

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A male reader, Starmonster888 United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2012):

Starmonster888 agony auntOP, you have good head on your shoulders, which is great. I don't have to convince you sex isn't a lucrative tool or that it's not your boyfriend's obligation to pay for everything because you've already shown you understand that. Question is, how the hell do we make your mom see it this way?!

I think the key thing is to show her what he does do. It's a vague solution, I know, but it seems to me that making him more familiar to your family is instrumental to healing the schism you talked about; if he's closer with you family, it might help you not feel as though you're torn between the two loyalties.Maybe organise a dinner, with your boyfriend, at his place with your parents? Something along those lines to say "Look, this is where I stay with him when I come over".

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes she wants him to pay all my expenses because we're intimate and spend so much time together, its not just her its my grandmother too. My grandmother treats me like I've done something wrong to her and is angry every time we speak. My family agreed to help me until i get on my feet, and things suddenly changed when i started dating him. He's not rich or anything, he has bills and college tuition he has to pay himself. Im surprised he does the things he does for me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well we dont just see each other when he comes to visit, I also go stay with him alot every few weeks, and we dont necessarily have sex everytime he visits or vice versa. We spend alot of time with his parents and siblings because he is very family oriented and I dont think my mother understands how much he cares about me. He will do anything for me but i dont think it should be because we are intimate.

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A male reader, Hugh.J United Kingdom +, writes (1 June 2012):

Hugh.J agony auntIs your mother saying he wouldn't be expected to pay anything if he DIDN'T have sex with you? Clearly the others are right and your mum wants you to be treated as a prostitute.....

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (1 June 2012):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI find this very hard to deal with and honestly I'm sorry for you. I don't know what culture encourages mothers to talk about their daughter's sex lives. Every parent knows that their child is doing things sexually after a certain age, but to discuss it in this way and then expect you to get paid for it, is like So Very Confused said, treating you like a prostitute! This is absurd!!

Please look for a job ASAP. Don't you have any savings at all?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 June 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntso basically your mother wants you to get a job as a prostitute... getting paid for sex is prostitution.

would it be cheaper for him to put you on a train to come stay with him on the weekends?

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A male reader, Sandman United States +, writes (1 June 2012):

Sandman agony auntI understand your concerns and they are valid. However, I think the point your mother is trying to make is that your boyfriend, if he truly cares about you, would do more for you other than the things he does when he comes to town.

Knowing that you are out of work and struggling to find a job, I think your mother/family feels he should help provide some basic necessities for you until you get on your feet. It seems as though he only spends money on the weekends he comes to town because he's coming to have sex with you - because that's what people do. They go out to movies, dinners, and get hotel rooms for the purpose of spending time with the person and having sex. It's a very narrow way of thinking about it - but it's really a mating dance. We do things with each other because in the end we're looking to mate. I'm sure there are times when the two of you don't have sex when he comes to town, and that's fine. But your mother is probably concerned that you aren't or haven't positioned yourself to command more from your boyfriend.

What do you do? Nothing. You keep dating your boyfriend and learn from the experience. You're still young and have a lot to learn about relationships and dealing with men. If you think there is nothing to "fix", then you've determined that for yourself and have made one of your first adult decisions. You can tell your mother that this is your relationship and that you respect her opinions but to please butt out. However, if you feel that your mother makes a valid point, listen to what she's trying to say to you. That doesn't mean go tell your boyfriend to start paying your phone bill and such, but hear her point on the issue. Learn from the lesson she's trying to convey.

At 19 you have many lessons to learn. This might be one of the more important ones.

Hope this helps.

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