A
female
age
26-29,
*cantwaittoleave
writes:I'm stuck on how to tell my boyfriend I want to stop having sex for good.The thing is.. he grosses me out so much. And, I've also recently finally realized (through therapy) I have never enjoyed sex. I am very uncomfortable, I think about other things during it, I've never gotten pleasure from it, and afterwards, I feel like crying, throwing up and I start to panic. Sexual stuff SCARES me. This has been a problem with almost every sexual partner, (except one). I have fully decided to not have sex anymore. I don't want to. I don't even want to be touched or cuddled. I don't want physical, intimate touching. And even feeling aroused and trying to masturbate makes me feel just so.. scared. With my current boyfriend, the feelings are so intense. When he tries to make a move, I feel sick and so annoyed! And I can't give him oral, because his junk grosses me out for some reason.I just can't do it to him. And he's a terrible kisser. Just awful. So far, I've told him I'm not interested in sex anymore. He said "okay, whatever makes you comfortable." But just the other day, he got really.. mad/annoyed/frustrated because I wouldn't respond to his advances. I talked to him and he said, "Okay YES, I'll get frustrated but I'll live with it, I won't lose you." But how can I get it through his think skull that all touching, cuddling and sexual things are just not going to happen anymore? He seems to think that I'll get my sex drive back soon, but I'm honestly, 100% done. I need him to understand that I won't do anything for him sexually or stuff like that. Even falling asleep with him next to me bothers me. (I fell asleep once and was awoken to his hand on my hand which was on his penis, rubbing my hand up and down, and he was feeling me up. I pretended to stay asleep and just "moved" like I was asleep and he kind of stopped.) What do I do? What do I tell him? Thanks in advance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): I'm sorry to tell you but you have a HUGE problem with sex and relationships, at your age most people are usually getting into relationships and having sex and they are enjoying it.
Do yourself a favor and your boyfriend,break up with him in a nice way, don't ever tell him what you really think of him, talk to friends, parents about your problem and more importantly: seek professional help, find a therapist who can help you work through your problem and find the reason why you hate sex, you are too young to stop having sex for good.
A
female
reader, Pixie.Greatorex  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing these feelings; whilst i can not diagnose as i'm not a qualified psychiatrist i can point you towards exploring a diagnosis of 'sexual aversion disorder' which is the experience of persistent or recurring to or avoiding of sexual activity which can be so intense as to provoke panic attacks or extreme anxiety. You can find more information about this from a web search of DSM criteria then type in the disorder as mentioned above. It seems that your boyfriend may not know that this is something that is beyond your control but that he thinks it is more of a conscious choice you are making and that this has more to do with him than it does with you. Maybe include him in the therapy sessions if you are able to and are comfortable with this. Obviously this depends upon how serious you are about your relationship with him but clearly an issue which prevents intimacy between you both is not going to be something to only affects yourself. This does not justify his sexual behaviour towards you when you have made it clear that this is against your wishes however and this is a separate issue about respect. This should be non negotiable and maybe is something you could directly address with him as an ultimatum; if he can not respect your decision for the time being then you may have to walk away from the relationship in the best interests of your mental health. Rest assured that it sounds like, from my limited experience, what you are experiencing has been experienced by many before you and that there are options in therapy to help you to be able to have an intimate relationship again even if right now the thought of that is scary.Good luck with whatever you decide to do
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A
female
reader, icantwaittoleave +, writes (8 March 2013):
icantwaittoleave is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for the responses! I think everyone is right, I just need to break it off with him. It'll be a painful process, but I've realized it'll be healthier and better for the both of us. I didn't know what he did while I was sleeping was bad, but yeah, it was definitely creepy. If I am asexual I'll look into what Cerberus said, and check out an asexual network or something like that. Well, wish me luck everyone! And thanks again for your advice and words.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2013):
 If sexual stuff scares you OP then you need to do two things
1. is tell your boyfriend and if he can't respect that then you will have to end the relationship
and MORE IMPORTANTLY
2. find a therapist who can help you do the tough work needed to work through this fear.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Have you ever attempted to get treatment for your sexual phobia? Most phobias can be helped with exposure therapy and this one isn't THAT rare. I think you should seek an anxiety/phobia specialist to discuss your options.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 March 2013):
I know people can share love with zero intimacy, but it probably needs to be between two people who are sexual phobic. He's not, and I can't imagine him being even remotely happy with zero affection or intimacy.
Break up with him now or later, but it's not going to last. Besides, you need to continue therapy and I think it may be more beneficial if you were single.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2013):
 Got it, 18 :). It still applies. Sex is not everything not only at 18, but always. It is important... but not everything.
Ditch the bf, it's not just the sex that you are not going to give him, you are not available for any kind of intimacy, physical closeness or affection, you have a total rejection for his physical being,- so it cannot be a relationship.Just a waste of his time and yours. You don't need to tell him that he grosses you out and makes you sick etc.etc., it's hard not to take that stuff personally , even if maybe you'd have the same issues with other guys. Just tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship, that you don't have anything physically or emotionally to give him, but freindship if he wants it- which, anyway , is the truth.
In apparent contraddiction with my first paragraph , though, start exploring your issues,continue therapy with a focus on your adversion to intimacy . While it is not strange that right now you don't feel sexual, in general or with this particular guy, your total refusal for touch and intimacy, including masturbation, sounds not healthy. I mean, babies DIE if they are not handled and touched affectionately, and one big factor of older people getting dementia senile is being deprived of physical touch and closeness- it seems that a certain level of physical touch is a NEED for people, just like nutrition and hydratation, so your therapist could / should help you find out why you feel this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): icantwaittoleave have you put much thought into why you feel this way about sex? You say you're in therapy and that's how you realized it, well did they give you a reason for that, did you figure out why you don't like it?
The only time that would be normal is if you're asexual. That's the only time I can think that it isn't a problem that needs to be fixed. But from what I know of asexuality you don't feel any kind of romantic love or attraction at all and the idea of romantic relationship would be completely unappealing to you too.
OP I understand where your boyfriend is coming from and you need to understand no matter what he says he's not going to stay with you forever without sex, this relationship is not going to work without it. Him sexually assaulting you like that (yes OP, you didn't give your consent and wouldn't have so it's an assault) is proof of that. In fact he may get more daring and do other things to you while asleep so you need to be careful.
Have a read of this question to see how important sex is to people.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-wants-sex-and-i-dont-i.html
OP it is an abnormality if you're not asexual, it's something well worth looking into the reasons why. Maybe it's women you want to be with, maybe your hormone levels are off, maybe it's to do with your mental state or a medical condition, an eating disorder, there are tonnes of reasons.
I'm not calling you abnormal, just to make it clear. I'm just pointing out the fact that never wanting it is going reduce your quality of life on the simple basis of not being able to have normal romantic relationships and you finding it exceptionally tough, verging on impossible to find a guy you really like and want to be close to romantically who is going to stay with you in the long term with zero sex.
"I need him to understand that I won't do anything for him sexually or stuff like that."
I'm afraid you're the one who needs to understand that is not acceptable to him and won't be. OP come on, you said yourself he thinks this temporary, he's even disrespected you and tried to use you while asleep to get off. You're going to have to end this relationship, you're asking the impossible of him and it's unfair on both of you. You're asking him to stay with you despite you being unwilling to fulfil one of his very basic needs. Not only that but you're living in a false hope that if you can make him understand he'll be able to accept it and stay with you. You're an adult now OP, you know that's not how life works. And you can see from the answers posted to that other ladies question how strongly the majority of us feel about sex in a relationship.
My advice to you, stop trying to make him accept this and start accepting that this relationship has no future at all. being intimate with him disgusts you and he's going to extreme measures to disrespect your wishes too.
Now you need to find out why it is you don't like sex, maybe it's just because it's guys and you really want ladies, maybe it's a past abuse thing or something, find out OP so you can deal with it in a way that makes your life better.
If you're actually just asexual then you need to seek out the asexual community online so they can support you, give you tips and maybe even meet someone you can have a non-sexual companionship with.
I say again though OP, if it's anything other than asexuality then it really will be best to try and fix it, you're really going to find having a marriage and/or family difficult with no sex. I honestly don't know where you'd find a guy who would be okay with that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2013): You need to break up with him!
A relationship that involved having sex WILL NOT be the same if you choose to stop having sex and the other person says ok
but then repeats attempts to interest you in sex, then they are NOT OK with not having sex and will continue to get more and more angry and frustrated the longer the relationship continues
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A
female
reader, icantwaittoleave +, writes (8 March 2013):
icantwaittoleave is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm 18, btw, not 16..
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 March 2013):
 well first things first, that crap you mentioned about him having his hand over your hand rubbing on his junk is just flat out CREEPY. that's incredibly disrespetful and just down right strange on his behalf. he may not like that you told him no sex, but he needs to respect it! not get a hand job while his unsuspecting girlfriend is asleep! jesus.
that aside, in my opinion, you definitely need to take a break from dating. it seems like you've got some issues you need to work through before you'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.
at your age, sex isn't everything. you're still young. don't feel pressured into sex if it's not something you're comfortable with (which you're clearly not). it seems quite possible you've experienced somethings that have put you off to sex in general. perhaps with men? i can't speculate or make judgement calls as to why you don't want to be touched or even cuddled. but realize that without any of the physical closeness like holding hands and cuddling, you don't have a relationship. these little signs of physical affection are what differentiate between a friend and a boyfriend. so basically, you sound like you just want your boyfriend to be your friend.
i don't think you need to tell him he repulses you. that seems a little harsh and damaging. lol. but if i were you, i'd just tell him that you don't want to see him anymore. like i said, what you have to offer him really isn't a relationship. it's a friendship. so tell him that's what you want. and with the ending of the relationship comes the joy of not having to have sex or touch!
good luck
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