A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A year ago at Christmas time I met an interesting man at a party, there as an instant click, spent the evening chatting and flirting and got a cab home together (along with my sister) but he never asked for my number before hopping out at his place. I was disappointed but found out later that he was living with his girlfriend.Noticed him crop up a few months later on my friends Facebook page - turns out he is the best friend of the guy she has just started dating. However when I asked my friend about him she told me that he had recently started seeing HER best friend. So I put him out of my mind, till exactly one year later from the first time I met him I was at my friends Christmas party this weekend and I knew he would be there (Facebook event) but I had no intention of speaking to him as I presumed he was still with this girl, the best friend of my friend who's party I went to.However! At the party, he made a beeline for me, we ended up chatting a lot together again and .. well, there was a lot of drink involved and I'm not going to make excuses for my behaviour because I was really attracted to him (and have been very sexually frustrated for quite a long time) he came home with me that night. We had an incredibly passionate evening, the best sex I've had in years and years, there was such a really natural chemistry between us. Time came for him to leave the next afternoon, classic scenario.. He got up and dressed, gave me a very nice kiss goodbye but didn't ask for my number or offer me his, nothing about anything to do with seeing each other again.I don't believe he is still 'seeing' my friends best friend, she was also at the party but they weren't talking together or near each other at any point, though she did give me quite a dirty look when she came across us chatting intensely. I didn't ask him about his status, he didn't ask me about mine... but we had a really good rapport between us, and there's no doubt we're highly compatible in a sexual respect. We also work in the same field (which is really quite uncommon)I'm not especially likely to bump into him again but we are both 'facebook' friends with my friend who had the party, so if he really wanted to get in touch with me I suppose he could track me down that way.. but.. Have I completely ruined any chances of anything more happening by jumping into bed? From the moment I met him I really , really liked him, and it's very rare for me to find someone I'm genuinely interested in, but I have a sinking feeling now that it was just a one night stand for him. It's not at all my style to pursue a man, but should I actually contact him? Should I just try to forget him? I'd like some advice on this, and please, no harsh judgements as I do already feel crap enough about it, thank you.
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best friend, christmas, facebook, flirt, one night stand, sexually frustrated Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): You're an adult. You will do what you want and chose to regardless what anyone says.I just want to say he totally comes off as someone who uses sex as a means to ensnare women but certainly doesn't come across as a long term anything.So proceed with reserve knowing of this pattern of behaviour.Also, a great night of sex and THEN saying you think he's nice and great and amazing. It was the Sex, not him. Don't get ensnared so readily.;)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf you have sex with women that 'aren't up to you attractiveness standards', or you apply double standards to women that sleep with you casually by thinking of them as promiscuous, or if you feel the need to go out of your way to try and make someone feel bad on a support form because they had some casual sex, then yes, these are 'negative issues'. This is a place for help, not for moral crusading or bashing people when they're down.
End of.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Someone else finding your sexual habits unattractive is a "negative issue" of theirs? You have the right to live your own life however you choose. You don't have the right to tell other people how they should feel about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate! I received an email this morning from my Friday night companion, making a bit of a sheepish joke about our drunken encounter and inviting me out to lunch later this week.. I suppose I'm going to try and hold off from replying straight away and not have too many expectations as to how things might go but of course I'm delighted to hear from him. Really nice surprise and just want to say thanks to everyone here on Dear Cupid for taking the time to share their thoughts and support. I love this site, such a valuable resource!
The last two anonymous posters however, I could have really done without your snidey inferring. I stated clearly in my original post that I didn't come here to be morally berated when already feeling vulnerable. This is a site for helping people if you haven't noticed - not somewhere to transfer your own negative issues onto others. Such comments, however cleverly wrapped up as 'well meaning advice' reveal a lot more about yourselves than anything or anyone else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): To the O.P. about judging people:
Would you say that you judge people for being far different ages from you? Would you say that you judge people for being physically less attractive than those you want to date? Do you judge people for wanting children when you don't (or vice versa)?
Not wanting to date someone is not "judging" them. Dating partners also have to meet a lot of compatibility requirements too. There are millions of people that I don't think I "judge" but I would never want to date.
Plenty of people (women too) have certain things that would not turn them off for a brief fling, but they would never get serious about the person in a relationship over it. For men it could be a woman who is not up to their attractiveness standards. Or she is too sexually promiscuous which lots of men find unattractive in the long run.
For women it could be a man who is fun and sexy but he has no career/job and they won't consider him seriously for a BF. Or a guy with a sexy "bad boy" image could be attractive enough to fuck occasionally. But maybe the woman does not want to make a steady BF out of him because of that very same attitude that is only tolerable for a short time. It is really no different from how some men deal with female promiscuity - the same trait makes a person more attractive for a brief fling and less attractive for a relationship at the same time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): You are only being judged by relationship standards, not for having a one night stand. The majority of men will be loath to make a woman who has sex so easily their girlfriend or future wife. What you have to lose by contacting him isn't really your dignity but not being able to recoop the time lost chasing a man and being caught up in a man who will never see you as relationship material based on your past behavior with him.
It all depends on what you want in life and if you want infrequent sex with this guy, go ahead and give him a call.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 December 2011):
 First off, I would never have gone home and had sex with him without knowing if he was dating your friend's BF, they could just have had a tiff that day and him chatting to you was his way of making her jealous, you just never know what people do to each other in a relationship.
Second of all, if he was interested in more then just sex, he would have left his number or asked for yours.
Sorry, I would chalk him up to a very lovely one night stand and honestly, if you don't hear from him, then take the lesson from this, don't sleep with a guy when:
1. drunk
2. first chance you get
3. when he "maybe" is a BF of a friend or acquaintance.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 December 2011):
 As one man, I most always had a tremendous regard for any woman who had sex with me. To me, it was meaningful, although I think some of the girls were just screwing around. Maybe this guy thought that you were also just screwing around.
In my opinion, things are very different today than in my youth. Perhaps it's fun, but I care much more about others and their feelings than just having sex. Maybe times have changed more than I realize.My suggestion is to move on, unless the guy happens to contact you, and even then, don't count on much more coming from it. I think he is probably just screwing around and chalking up scores.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoops anonymous male, seems I touched a nerve there. . I understand genderising is dangerous and I do generally steer clear of it. You assumed a lot from my off the cuff remark at the end of my comment there. I never used the word hypocritical, I didn't say that women also don't make similar judgements, but its undeniable that in these situations that women are typically the ones who will be labelled negatively and men will applaud themselves. He's just a ladies man, a player, mister Casanova while you know yourself how women get tarnished.
How can you seriously say 'Im not being judged - just found unattractive for a relationship' ? If thats not a judgement I don't know what is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Can we watch the male stereotyping please? You aren't being judged, you are just being found unattractive for a steady relationship.
Lots of women do the same thing (without being criticized for it) when they have sexual flings with guys that they don't consider "boyfriend material".
Men don't hypocritically "judge" women as much as women say they do. There are millions of men out there who don't find a woman's casual sex habit unattractive. There are also millions of men who don't have casual sex themselves.
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 December 2011):
 I think you're getting some poor advise here. Sure, get in touch with him and see if he wants to be in touch. But, for most guys, the conquest of sex is simply the end of the line if there is no true bond forged. No bond & no love = no relationship. The sex you had, is simply viewed as a physical connection, some easy fun from a girl not worth investing meaningful time In. That's why if by chance you continue seeing a guy you've slept with early on, chances are you'll be doing the chasing. His interest will be faded the moment he finishes having sex with you. That's why, if you're truly interested in a guy for a relationship, you don't sleep with him too soon. Let him court you, find a true connection with you, be romantic and fall in love. Sadly for men, one night stands, do not build any sort of connection. You're feeling connected. However it's obvious he isn't. Otherwise he would have wanted your number and asked you out. Keep the jne night stands for guys you're not interested in.
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female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (19 December 2011):
It is unfair Op but they do. I think it's a rare man that would seriously want to marry a woman that he knows will have random sex at the drop of a dime And believe me, I have had plenty of one night stands so I am not judging you. Sometimes they find a way to contact you but mostly it's to set up continual repeat casual sex.
I say send him an email and then back off and make him take you on a date and don't sleep with him and tell him you regret what happened because you think he's BF material. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks for all the responses, I'm grateful to all of you taking some time to share your thoughts.
My strongest inclination is to do nothing at all because I suppose I am old fashioned and believe that if a man genuinely wants you then he will make an effort to try and be with you.. But it's bothering me to think that he may have just written me off completely just because we had sex already. I almost want to get in touch with him just to say 'I don't normally have one night stands you know!!'
What have I got to lose if I do contact him? My dignity I'd say...
Last year I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend, he wasn't a patch on this guy I was with two nights ago, but I thought he was fun and enjoyed our time together so after we parted ways in the morning without an exchange of numbers I took the initiative and emailed him on Facebook. We ended up in a relationship for 6 months but it was highly unsatisfactory because I felt like I was the one doing all the running and that everything was on his terms, never on mine. Eventually I ended it as I got tired of his indifference towards me. You can maybe understand why I would be reluctant to do that again, although I REALLY like this guy, so its harder to just do nothing..
Well, it was an extremely enjoyable night so I can't regret it completely, but it's just so annoying that he didn't ask for my number.
Why do men judge women for enjoying sex as much as they do?! It's so unfair :(
Thanks again for your views folks
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (19 December 2011):
Bottom line is you had a great night of it so there's nothing to regret.
Maybe he doesn't want to see you again but still he didn't promise undying love did he ? He just promised loads of penis-in-vagina enjoyment and as you describe it he delivered.... Lucky both of you !
I suspect if he wanted to repeat the experience he would have contacted you by now .
But I don't see what you have to lose by finding out for sure : just send him a brief text / email saying you enjoyed your night together and would he like to meet up for a drink or dinner ?
Then just back off. If he is not interested you have to accept it and move on.
One night of great sex is still a good deal !
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): That sinking feeling sucks. I think your gut is telling you to move on. You should want a guy who really wants you. Forget this guy or at least date others.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (19 December 2011):
In my opinion there is no reason to feel bad about the sexual interlude. It happens. But I think the next move is up to him. If he wants more he will be in touch with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): Honey, you need to pursue this and see if there is anything between you. It sounds like fate, you to meet up a year later and have wild, passionate lovemaking? You have secretely admired him too, from afar? Maybe he is a little freaked out, maybe his feelings match the intensity of yours and he doesn't know how to handle them, or. Maybe he is just a player. You owe it to yourself to explore the possibilities of a relationship w him. He could very well be your soul mate. There are some very good fish that got away in my past because I didn't have the courage to find out "what if?". What do you have to lose? At the least you'll know one way or another and have inner peace.
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