A
female
age
,
*intersun
writes:Ok, its been 4 years but I am still having trouble getting over my marriage breaking up. I had no idea the affair was happening, thought we were good together. I think what bothers me most is that when I found out about the affair (unfortunately our son found out first) he told me he felt he couldn't talk to me, but then added he had felt that way for the prior 10 years...mind you during those 10 years, and the 10 previous to those he was in the military, and I was always home to take care of things while he was away, I don't regret any of my life with him, just don't understand why he would add something so hurtful then not be able to explain it to me. Up to the day I found out we still had dinner together with the kids every night, no lack of fun in the bedroom a few times a week, laughing at the dinner table was a routine at our house. I know it takes 2 for everything, but he wouldn't even try to go to counseling or talking together, like he made up his mind and thats all there was to it whether I liked it or not. I don't want him back, i just want to let it go, does any of this make sense? This seems very disjointed, sorry about that, putting this down on paper is hard. I am no where near perfect, don't pretend to be, and hindsight I see he is somewhat a control person-still is and I nip that in the bud quickly when he trys that stuff now. I just want to quit feeling like it was all my fault. I hate that he hurt the kids especially. Thank you for any words of wisdom.
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male
reader, Moviefan +, writes (4 December 2008):
 My first love really screwed me over, and in the worst way possible, repeatedly and when it became to much i just ignore her existence. This may seem cold, but if i even looked at her it made me feel sad and depressed. It took me years to get over this, and now over 2 years later i am just now truly able to say that im over her. I just thought of all the negatives and thought threw and told myself it wasn't my fault, and that there were others that were better for me out there. And when i did get moments of weakness when i missed her or wished i was with her i would go do something to take my mind off of it that made me happy, and im over her now. Your mind will gradually shift to a different state of mind that has these i miss her events happening far less, and you begin to look at other possible mates.
Good luck, i hope i was of some help!
A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (4 December 2008):
 That is one cold bastard. If he wasn't happy all those years why do you some big favor by acting like he was happy.
I have a horrible feeling that very few men don't cheat. But with him gone all the time, its hard to keep a relationship between you and him with the family.
When a woman has no idea the man claims to be unhappy, that's his issues. No one gives us our happiness. They add to it but they don't supply it.
Please don't think it has anything to do with you since he wasn't at home on a regular basis. Men seem to believe the grass is always greener and crave the desire of the excitement of newness. Its really so unfair how different men and women are regarding love and relationships.
Nothing anyone can say will make you feel better, make the loss or the grief and all the horrible feelings that come with such a shock, give you any real comfort. But it is really clear that a guy like that is out for himself and to relive his guilt, tries to put the blame on you because he knows how totally wrong he is.
Hopefully you will get over this guy soon. He sounds like a real piece of work, you and your children deserve a real man. For the military, he sounds like a coward. At least you are now free of his BS and after a while find a dear and kind man who appreciates you.
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A
female
reader, morningdew +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Unfortunatly when a relationship breaks up because of infidelity, the one doing the cheating, usually doesn't think, or care about anyone else but himself, and that is why he doesn't care to explain anything to you. I think he probably doesn't even mean what he said, about the 10 yrs, if he did he would of cheated long ago, that is just how some stupid men are.. He's just in his little world right now.. I think what will help you move on, is to boost your self esteem way up, so that when he comes crawling back, you will know 100%, that you are worth more than that. Buy self help books, knowlege is power, and these kinds of books will help you move on. Focus on yourself, make a plan and get a new image, cut your hair, or die it a diffrent color.. do your nails, get new outfits..ect. Join a gym, or take long walks...do what ever it takes to make you feel better. When you are confident enough again, even though what he did hurts, deep down you know you can make it with out him, and know that there is always some one waiting in line, always.. for when you are ready.. I hope you move on, because he is not worth your thoughts or your tears.. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): Awww, hi hon, am sorry to hear.. you will feel disjointed for awhile, and this is normal, i have had experience with this, and i think the worst thing to do is to over analyze, which is of course human nature, and you end up taking on all the blame, it is not your fault and never was!! He has the problem, so you sort of have to stop over thinking, about what happened, how could you have stopped it.. the bottomed out feeling lasts for awhile. It isn't normal behaviour to go and have an affair.. so i guess the main thing is to be true and honest with yourself. Feel and let go of all emotions, get mad at him let him know, don't feel like keeping it bottled up. The disjointed feeling lasts for awhile, and you end up hurt, and being mad, it is like a death when a soul mate union leaves.. but in time, you will become so much stronger.. and will see him for who he really is.. and know within your heart, that you deserve better than that, and life will give it to you!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Hi, what an awful story you have. That he up and leaves, saying that he's not been happy for 10 years, and also that he's not going to try to work on the marriage? What a jerk. Sorry, I know you said you're not blameless in this either, but damn, girl, what he did was cold.
Okay, I think that the main reason you're feeling that it's your fault is that it's hurt the kids, and it's usually considered the mother's job to make sure the kids are happy and healthy, not that fathers don't have a role, but the burden of responsibility for them seems to have fallen on your shoulders. Maybe you're feeling guilty that you should have seen it coming. You know what? Maybe there's one eeentsy weentsy little grain of truth in that you should have seen it coming, but you didn't. I know very few real mind-readers, no wait, I know zero actual mind-readers, so if you had that skill, well then shame on you. But you don't? Well then, shame on him for keeping his unhappiness a secret for 10 years. That's HIS problem, which he seems to have successfuly made yours. Forgive yourself, that's what you need to do. Forgive yourself, acknowledge that you're human and therefore by definition imperfect. Recognize that you're doing everything you can for your children and now it's time to do everything you can for your psyche too. If Momma's not happy, ain't nobody happy. So give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack. Ease up on yourself.
It was NOT all your fault. Let that particular weight of blame fall from your shoulders; if you cannot, maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a little bit of counseling or therapy or maybe a support group.
You take good care of yourself, and good luck.
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