A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been divorced for 3 yrs. I have a 9 yr old daughter. I am trying to bring a good man into my home life as well as we have now been together 6 months and it is definitely a ltr. I have kept any dating and men away from my children until it became serious.My problem is my daughter is insanely jealous of him. She is alright as long as we don't touch but turns into something horrible if she sees us touch. She even physically hits him. I have punished her...grounded her and taken away her privileges and ipod but Im beside myself I just don't know what to do. I do remember while still being married to her dad she got upset if he showed me affection as well. This is not new. And also if I take her brother somewhere and not her (like even on his birthday!)she will tell me she hates me and etc. Otherwise she is a very good child it is just this extreme jealousy I don't know how to handle.I have finally found a good man that supports me and is good to me and my children. I want to make this work. Please help?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I think you are very justified in expecting your daughter to behave appropriately when meeting a man you have been dating for 6 months after 3 years of divorce. Some of the aunts here tend to be very very conservative and gun shy about relationships but if you stand outside the fire you never get burned but it's no way to live.
Children HAVE to adapt. it's part of being a child.
That being said.. NINE is not too young for her to being some therapy for her insecurity and lack of self-esteem... it sounds like she has issues in general and not just with this one man.
A
female
reader, honeybeejane +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Thank you all for the replies & thank you Cereberus for taking the time to write so much out. You are speaking from experience and I have taken the advice to heart.
Many people have given me opposite advice as in 'punish her' and 'don't let her get her way' but I didnt feel this was working and I feel heartbroken for her as well as i want this man in my life but it seems impossible.
On that note I want to say he did take my daughter & niece to the fair when I had to work...bought them food & rides & has also bought my daughter paper & origami as she likes these things.
She has asked to go to his house to play with his animals as well when I have been at work and he will go get her & take her there.
She was fine as long as she felt he & I were just friends. It is when she figured it as more the trouble started.
I need to slow down & go back to friendship & like Cerberus said...let him woo her more. Just because I like him doesn't mean she will.
But I do have to say in my defense bringing no men around for 3 yrs I feel is a big thing in today's day & age. I have great respect for my children & have not brought this man around for 6 months...I felt that was time enough but now Im seeing it differently.
We don't do sleepovers and barely touch when he is here.
It's hard because his son likes me and has no jealousy issues.
But you are right Cerberus in that if he really wants this relationship he will work with me so that my daughter understands he will never take me from her.
I was a stay at home mom for 18 yrs...worked from home doing hair & daycare until my divorce. My kids have always come first in my life...I want to do this right.
Thank you all again :)
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2013):
 I think Cerberus have a great point when he mentions meeting the "stranger" (because that is who he is to her) outside of her home/territory.
I would make the "dates" shorter and not focus on PDA so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Sorry 9 year old. But all my points remain the same. He has to woo her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): OP you're trying to play happy families way too soon. I was raised by a single mother and had the exact same jealousy issues, to me her boyfriends were stealing her away from me. It left me devastated. I had no proper father figure in my life, only my mother so someone else coming into that equation getting some of the love and affection that was solely meant for me (that's how I viewed it) felt like she was abandoning me and moving on to someone else. Of course as an adult you can tell me that's illogical but I was only 7, you're a mother you know how 5 year olds view the world. You see what happens when someone else tries to play with or take her favourite teddy bear or doll, it's the end of the world.
OP the mistake you made is trying to introduce him to your home life without acclimatising your daughter to him outside of her domain. It may be your house and your rules etc. but that's her domain too, that's her safe place and he's an unwelcome invader suddenly receiving your time and affection in her place. You may not understand why that's a threat to her but it is.
OP the way it works best from my own memories is that first you get to know the guy, you date, you become serious, then you have to date with your kids in tow. You and he may be serious but you have to date all over again with the kids with you. Take them out to do fun things with him, until she's ready to accept him into her life. It's not the way it always works, I've also dated single mothers and their kids where more than happy to have me in the house as soon as the mother was ready, but those kids weren't possessive.
Op I don't think counselling is necessary just yet. This isn't her problem really, it's up to you to slowly show her that men aren't a re threat to your bond with her and you do that by letting her build a trust, letting her get used to the idea of that man in her life and letting him work on impressing her to the point where she feels comfortable letting him in.
You haven't done anything wrong OP, you're just dating like a woman who doesn't have kids. You got the first step right, but you skipped the part where your kids get to spend fun, quality time with him outside of their safe place. I learned through being that kid and dating single moms that the kid is part of the package and you have to do just as much work for them to accept you as the mother. You can't just decide it's serious and then thrust him upon your kids when you're ready, he has to earn their trust first OP and even if it your child is more difficult than most (I don't think she is by the way) you have to do things a bit on her timescale.
Go have fun dates involving your kids, give him a chance to impress them the way he has you, you'll know when she's ready to accept him. Do not punish her for this OP, you just sour him in your mind. Of course punish her for hitting him, violence is not allowed but if you equate him being around to her feeling abandoned and on top of that being punished for feeling that way in her mind, then you're only going to build a wall in her and you'll just confirm that he truly is a threat.
It'd be lovely is she was easier about this OP, but she's not and if this guy really is a keeper in this for the long haul then he won't mind one bit putting in a bit of effort to woo her too. You see I don't think this is an issue that needs counselling just yet, she just needs to get used to the idea that a new guy is an addition to her life and not someone there to take something away. You can teach her that by playing this the right way.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I think you sound like a wonderful mom and are doing all the right things in a sensible way - well done!The problem definitely sounds with your daughter because she already had this extreme jealousy or possessive attitude even towards your husband touching you - her father! I believe the best way forward is counselling for her. Find a trustworthy counsellor in your area, someone she can enjoy going to "visit" who becomes her "friend", and will talk to her and determine where her fears are coming from. This needs to be resolved sooner than later, she is already 9 and needs help before she becomes a teenager ;-)Six months is a good time to determine a man's character, principles, morals, etc. however I would not leave him alone with her, especially not yet before she gets help.She seems like she is fine with him existing and even being around, the problem is the touching - so until you get her help, avoid touching in public/around her until you know why. In private, you can touch all you want ;-) it's a temporary situation and not something you will have to live with forever.Do not punish her, she is too young to know any different, her emotions are all over the place, and instead of punishment she needs HELP. She will only associate the touching and punishment even more negatively!She sounds like a wonderful child, taking after her hard working, thoughtful and caring mom, she just has abandonment issues and fears and needs help in coping.I'm glad you have "finally found a good man that supports me and is good to me and my children." Keep him, allow him to continue supporting you, don't shut him out, and his reward after the patience will be worth it in the end: a well balanced happy family, with a happy daughter who gives her blessing to EVERYTHING, including PDA (public displays of affection)Wishing you happiness!G's Girl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Please don't bring a man in after only six months, my mum thought she had found a decent man to bring in our lives. He was a disgusting pervert and ruined my childhood.For that reason it really annoys me when woman are blinded by their infatuation for a new man who shows them attention and very quickly on think its right to bring him into their children's lives. Yes you have a right to happiness and companionship but your children do not need to be involved with the man for a very long time, not until you have had some ups and downs and you know he will always respect that he is second to your children. Your daughter obviously has existing issues that need to be resolved and until they are it really is not fair bringing this guy around when it so obviously causes her distress.Also, I completely agree with the advice that the man should not intrude on your family time when he does come around and that he doesn't stay. This man will never have your child's interests as a priority as they are not his, so you are the one who has to set the boundaries and ensure that your children are happy and content.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): Thank you for the replies so far. I believe the first has helped me the most. My daughter in fact did not have a good relationship with her father and once asked me if he even liked her or loved her when she was around 5 so yes I have always been her nurturer. Her dad has since remarried and when my daughter goes there she gets along fine with her step mother but she never was jealous of her dad...it has only been me. I'm sorry but I feel like being divorced for 3 months and not bringing men around...it's very hard to feel like I can't live my life but of course my daughter's well being is more important. I have respected my children and not dated or brought men around whereas so many parents do and early on.My ex husband lives 4 hrs away now and so 99% of the time my kids are with me. With working full time I have limited time and after 6 months it seemed to make sense to try to incorporate this man into our lives a bit. He has not been over much at all. Perhaps 2 times a week for a few hrs.But I have taken these answers into consideration and perhaps that is too much...I need to move it slower. I have also considered that my daughter might need to talk to a counselor.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I feel sorry for her. She has abandonment issues and is fixated on you to be her nurturer. She had this issue even with her dad so the problem is not the divorce itself. She needs to learn to trust other people, and to see that outsiders can care, and they are not there to steal mommy away. I understand your frustration but discipline here only tells her what not to do, you have to show her what to do instead. How to deal with intense emotions. Whether they are irrational or not.
It would also help if you can schedule time between just your boyfriend and your daughter. He can take her to the mall, or to the park. He can learn about her favourite food and toys. She will then learn that he genuinely cares for her too.
I would also tell her that it is okay to feel jealousy but she has to contain it. Tell her, at that moment she is feeling jealous and be aware of it. Take deep breaths. Step by step, note what is in her head, such as "whenever mommy is affectionate with others, I feel like she doesn't love me or will desert me." "I am the only one who needs love. Other people are just competition." "Mommy is a bad person if she doesn't cater to all my needs." "Everyone else who is close to mommy is a threat to my well being." Challenge her every thought and see if see really agrees to any of them. A 9 year old kid is rapidly developing reasoning skills. Use that as an advantage to help her become a more empathetic person. Tell her how other people feel when she acts so possessive of you, how your boyfriend felt when she hit him, etc.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Yes- it is too early for your boyfriend to be around your kids. Wait another year. Second, have your daughter sent to a child psychologist- has she been inappropriately touched by a man, what is feeding her feelings? She needs to talk to a professional.
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