A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Before me, my girlfriend had only dated black guys. I'm the first white guy she has ever dated. Around me she acts like her normal self but in public (usually only around black people) she acts like she is black. It gets really annoying. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against black people it's just she tries to act like she's someone she isn't. She tells me she isn't into black guys anymore but her friends say that she still talks about black guys a lot when I'm not around. I feel like she flirts around a lot when I'm not there too. I know she would never cheat on me, but still it bothers me. I know she gets hit on sometimes by black guys but I never really see her with black friends. It seems like it's more her trying to be part of that crowd. Again Im not racist it just bothers me sometimes. Almost like I'm not going to be good enough.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): ok. I know and have seen this one! Just say to her in a jokey way 'why are you acting black',and look her straight in the eye. I can guarantee that she will feel embaressed and stop. If she does it again,just look at her questioningly. I used to date someone who did that. He asked me if i wanted a cup of tea in a Jamaican accent. I asked him why he was putting on that accent. He went bright red,stopped,and didn.t feel the need to do it again. It is all a bit immature,and caused by lack of identity. I.m not a racist,and i.m black. Just say it to her,and she.ll stop!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 September 2013):
 It's not about "acting black" it's about adapting to whatever situation she is around.
While for you can I understand that it seems fake. She might not even be aware of it.
My accent varies depending on who I'm with. I didn't notice myself but others told me. One of my good friends was visiting us for Labor Day week-end and she is Cajun - think Southern Louisiana accent. It rubs off on me. And I'm not even American, English/American is NOT my first language (3rd actually). But to make a point. Some people ADAPT vocally, some how they act, dress, what they eat accordingly to who they are with. It actually has a name.. The Chameleon Effect. (You can google that) but it basically means : This term refers to the unconscious tendency to mimic the behavior of others. Chartrand and Bargh discovered and named this effect after observing subjects unconsciously mimic confederates.
It's not uncommon at all. Doesn't mean she "think" she is black or WANT to be black - it just means that when she is with a group of people talking and behaving in certain patterns she "fits" into whatever the majority does.
It has nothing to do with race - WHAT SO EVER.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 September 2013):
Well I'm not really sure what you're asking. What you should do about not feeling like you're good enough for your girlfriend? Or maybe not exactly what your girlfriend really wants?
I get what you mean by "acting black." At least here in the U.S., black culture tends to be different, from the language/dialects to mannerisms. I remember in Junior High when it was cool to be Mexican and white girls pulled their hair back really tight and spoke with an accent even though they really didn't have one!
It may be a maturity thing for her or just trying to "fit in" in some way. It may have become a habit for her trying to fit in with her previous boyfriends. It probably has nothing to do with you so there's no need to feel insecure about it. Maybe she'll grow out of it eventually. But if you weren't good enough, she probably wouldn't be with you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 I am assuming she is white, if not latino. I think she adopted a public persona and it's hard to change. It could be because she isn't really enjoying her identity, or accepted by her own group so she tries to merge with black people. She is not doing it to get attention. Hopefully this is a transient thing. In teenager years it is very common for them to experiment different identities. It's not because white people are not interesting enough.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 I don't know what "acting black" means. Where I live (London), people act pretty much the same regardless of skin tone.
But - I grew up in Scotland with English parents. I was English at home, among my siblings and parents, and Scottish at school, among my peers. It helped me fit in with my peers if I adopted a Scottish accent. I got told off at home if I didn't speak with an English accent. I got teased at school if I sounded English. This is the closest I can relate to your dilemma; that your girlfriend adopts certain behaviour to fit in with her (black) friends.
Your doubts about her flirting and being into black guys are whole different issues. How do you know if she's flirting when you're not there? Does flirting equal cheating? You are 16-17. Is she the same age? How many men (regardless of race) can she realistically have dated before you?
You are you, regardless of race, and she chooses to date you. So you are good enough.
You keep saying you're not racist but you're quite hung up on it, IMO. I think you need to let go of that whole "them versus us" mentality. We're all just humans, with some variations.
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A
female
reader, YoungButNotNaive  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Apparently, she just likes "that crowd". She likes how they are, and wants to be a part of it. You also mentioned she only dated black guys before you, so it could just be a habit that was formed during her time dating black guys. She was probably around their friends a lot as well. Habits can be really hard to break, especially if they were learned at a young age. You're listed as 16-17. If she's your age, yet has dated a lot of guys before you, she may have formed this habit before she was even a teenager. Surely, you have a few habits of your own, right? Her acting this way is nothing against you personally, and doesn't mean you're "not good enough". If anything, I would take it as a compliment if I were you. She still wanted to date you despite her preference for black guys. That means there was something about you in particular that attracted her, and separated you from other white guys.
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