I don't know how to get the trust back into our marriage!

A female , anonymous writes:

I don't know how to get the trust back in my marriage! Not long after we made a committment to each other he rec'd an email from a woman he didn't know, who started flirting with him and making sexual offers; one thing led to another and he told her when he was going to be in her city for business and told her which hotel he would be at. A friend of mine forwarded me their messages and I almost broke up with him over it. He said he thought it was just a joke one of his buddies was playing on him. I forgave him. Then during our first few years together his ex-girlfriends were still contacting him alot. I knew he still had feelings for a couple of them and he'd drop everything when they'd call. When things began to get serious between us I had to actually ask him if he could stop being so involved in their lives so we could focus on a future together. Eventually one of them moved away, the other one got married so they went away. But then he started hanging out with a female co-worker, going out in the field with her alot when their jobs really didn't require it. He said she was new and needed to be shown what to do. Months later when I finally met her at an office party she snubbed me big time. I got the distinct impression she had developed feelings for my man and I was just in her way. A few times after that I noticed she'd show up at his out of town meetings when her job did not require her to be there. Luckily, I accompanied him on those trips but she'd give me dirty looks and if I left to go to the bathroom she'd corner my husband the minute I was out of sight. He swore their relationship was nothing but work yet he knew alot about her; like her b/f had dumped her after they bought a house together and started remodeling it. He started spending more nights working late. I knew he had some deadlines so I assumed that's what he was doing, but one night I popped in to bring him dinner, and she was there with him. She didn't appear to be working on anything, just hanging out with him. I tried to play down the awkwardness by inviting her to eat with us, but she said her car wouldn't start and she just came in to see if he could get it started. My husband looked puzzled like he had no idea what she was talking about. Finally she insisted he come out to the parking lot and check on her car. I grabbed a flashlight off his desk and walked out right behind them. I wasn't about to give her the opportunity to be alone with him now. He got into her car and it started right up. Imagine that. When we were alone again later I made light of it and said something like "Wow, that was weird, what was that all about?"....He acted really cold toward me so I dropped the subject. After that if I ever questioned anything concerning this woman he always got very defensive or threw a big fit. She eventually got fired and moved away. Now there's a new single woman at his office and suddenly she's started texting my husband frequently, asking him when he's coming to the office, or where he's at when he's out in the field. I admit he never hides his phone and sometimes when it beeps he tells me to find out who it is. That's how I've stumbled onto most of this information. But anytime I've tried to tell him I feel uncomfortable with some of these situations he shuts me down or throws a big fit so I usually just drop the subject. On Christmas day, his phone chirped and I thought the battery was low so I flipped it open to plug it in and found this new woman had sent him a very personal Christmas wish that ended in "Love Sandra". I thought it was extremely inappropriate if they really are just co-workers. Who would send a message like that on a company phone that ends with "Love" anything? Again he refused to explain himself and then staged a big theatrical scene at his parents house when I asked him why she felt the need to end her text with "Love". Instead of being upset with her he turned on me, his wife and he said some horrible, hurtful things to me that I have not been able to forget. I want to trust him, but it feels like there's always something in the background of our relationship; that it's never just the two of us. And it doesn't do me any good to try and talk to him because he always twists it back on me. His favorite thing is to deflect and he usually does this by launching a stage 5 meltdown; Afterall, if you make things so uncomfortable on someone who wants to communicate with you, all communication will cease and you will never have to anwer any questions again. Who lives like this? I thought relationships allowed for open communications, even painful pointed ones. If you have nothing to hide then why can't two people discuss something calmly to see if it can be solved so all parites can feel like there's still trust? I really don't know what to do at this point. But I do not know how to gain my trust back again and I would love to know what others think about my situation.

View related questions: broke up, christmas, co-worker, ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, text

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A male reader, eddie85  +, writes (28 December 2011):

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011):

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