A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:What can i do?I had an affair last year with a close friend..He swore that it was only a bit of harmless fun on the side and that no-one would get hurt but i began to fall for him. i knew that it could nt go on so i finished it but recently he started making a move on me again..being the stupid feeble excuse of a bored housewife I let him take me to bed again. i know i should've said no but today he told me that he loves me..i cant think think straight..i've been crying all night at how i've betrayed my children and especially my lovely husband who doesnt deserve what i have done .i'm a slut,a tramp thats how i feel..i dont know what to do.i dont want to leave my husband..he loves me,i love him.i just craved the feeling that i was needed..wanted.i dont know how to make things better..will this man accept it if i tell him i cant see him again..where do i find the strength to stop seeing him.how can i stop when every time i see him i want him to touch me?I dont know how to end it... what have I done?
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female
reader, lisarocksyoursocksoff +, writes (20 May 2007):
 hey although yes, what you did wasn't the right thing to do, before you can make a decision with what to do with your husband and your friend, you need to come to terms with it yourself.
you will feel guilty as long as you have to until you can forgive yourself, you are not a slut and tramp, you are only human.
once you come to terms with what you've done and why you did it (maybe try writing everything down to get your mind clear, but be careful no-one finds it?) then you can explain to your husband (if that's what you decide) after all he deserves a proper explanation if you do tell him.
there was a reason you had the affair, so obviously there are other underlying problems in your marriage, try talking to your husband, or consider counseling.
and try not to be fooled that passion is necessarily comfort, because you probably feel safe when you are with you're friend because you've no need to feel guilty on them and they tell you they love you, so therefore you don't feel judged by them; which is something you will not be feeling around your husband right now...
that may be another reason why you are drawn to your friend, because they serve as an escape for what you've done. but that is only temporary.
this does have to be faced one way or another.
i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world
take care
A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 First, do not see this guy again. It's like me and chocolate. If I don't open the package of chocolates, then I can say no. If I open it for "just one" then I end up eating the whole package. I have no will power with chocolate. You have NO WILL POWER with this guy. So don't open the package! Don't EVER tell him he can come round, and figure out a way to BLOCK his text messages from your phone so that you stop getting them. (What if your husband finds the phone and intercepts the messages?) You're on the Titanic, hon, and this guy is your ice burg. Cut him off.
Second, join a women's club or a dance class or something that lets you get out of the house and socialize. You deserve to be able to go have some safe fun, especially if it's not your husband's thing.
Third, never lie to your husband about where you're going and who you're with again. If he finds out he could leave you (worst case) or never trust that you're going where you say your going again (best case). Either case will cause him pain (not to mention causing you pain).
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Look, beating yourself up over this is not going to make the situation any better, so knock off belittling yourself. Affairs happen, and it sucks. What would suck worse is letting this mistake destory your marriage and damage your children. Keep your mouth shut, live with the guilt and stop seeing the bozo.
The only other thing I can tell you is that I highly doubt you and the bozo actually love each other. I think you both love the range of emotions you get from being naughty and the thrill of an affair, but there is no basis there for any real relationship foundation. You HAVE a relationship with your husband...you already know the work it takes the best of relationships to make it work...do you really think your "love" for bozo is good enough for that? My guess is that he only told you he loves you to keep you around, and emotional ungrounded and it is working. I know. I have been the bozo in the past.
Part of having an affair is to carry the hurt you caused yourself, and to keep you mouth shut about it, and carry that with you as well.
I wish you peace. Put the energy that you used to arrange the affair and spice up your life with your husband. Cut off all contact with bozo, even if it means finding a new job. Your marriage and the mental health of your children depend on it.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): I wrote the problem
thanks for your advice all but let me clear things up
The man im seeing only texts me he never calls
he texts every week to ask if its ok to come round and on the occassions when i have said yes so we could try to sort this mess out,he ends up kissing me and i melt.All my resolve goes.
on the times we have been out on our own together he acts like we are a couple,holding my hand hugging me kissing me.he is very gentle.
he has never said he loves me before we have slept together,he told me he loves me a couple of days after our last encounter i think he is sincere.
when im i am out with my husband i see him that will never change(he is my husbands best friend)that makes my betrayal the worst it could be.
i need to widen my social circle as i only have a couple of friends of which my lover is one i go out with to movies ,gigs etc.My husband is aware of these times but obviously not what his friend and i do when we are together.
my other two friends(both female) have families and demanding jobs so i never really see them .if i dont go with my lover then i dont get to go to the places that i enjoy as my husband doesnt like the types of genre that i do.
how can i change this?
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A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Each time you see this guy, remember your kids.
Think -how are they gonna react if they find out?
When you look at his face, think of how hurt they are gonna be.
I really don't mean to make you feel anymore guilty, but you have to think about these things.
Take a long deep breath, walk up to him and tell him that it has ended.
Family comes first.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (16 May 2007):
I really like the advice that's been given so far. I would just add a couple of things. Don't talk to this guy again. Write to him and tell him you're in love with your husband, and want to put the needs of your children first. Tell him not to contact you again.
Then ... I don't know whether they do this in the UK, but ask the phone company to put "call blocking" on your line, and block all his numbers. At least get caller ID and NEVER answer the phone if it's him. Write an e-mail rule that deletes (unread) any e-mail. If he writes you, write "refused, return to sender" across the letter. If he can't contact you, you won't be tempted. And he'll know you're serious.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (16 May 2007):
 If you are sure that you love your husband, let your love for him give you strength to resist this other guy.
You may not have respected your babies and your husband but better late than never. It is not to late. You have made a mistake, but you recognise what is wrong. The answer is simple. Stop any contact with this man.
When his words describing going to bed with you being a bit of fun, then he does not love you. He loves the excitement of having a person who belongs to someone else who will not want to commit to him. That way he only has the fun bits, leaving the crap/boring bits of life to your husband.
I bet you he has told you that he enjoys his freedom or is not ready for a relationship.
He may say that he loves you just to get what he wants. Would you entice a person that you love to hurt others? Is this the way you would want to be treated by your partner?
Subconsciously, you may wish to believe or hope that he feels the same for you but it is more likely that he doesn't.
Remind yourself why you fell in love with your husband, talk to him, get more quality time together. Make time for each other.
I know that it is easier said than done but you need to be strong, think of your children and partner. This is your family where you belong with.
I bet that you do not see a long future with this guy. Fun and exciting but would he ever be as loving and patient as your husband?
You know deep in your heart what you need to do. Choose the right thing.
What this guy thinks about your break up should not be your priority. You have responsibilities to yourself and your family. He certainly is not thinking much about your family.
If it is difficult to resist him and you want to touch him when you see him, then avoid him. Even if he frequents same places, be there with your husband and do not make contact.
This is the chance for this guy to show some respect for you by asking him to stay away. If he does then at least he respects your feelings. If he doesn't then he should not be worth your time anyway.
You face loosing so much for just a bit of fun. Think about ways to excite your married life away if you want to stay with your husband.
You cannot change the past, what is done is done, but you can now change the future. Take control again and be the person you want to be.
Take care
Angel of Love
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 May 2007):
 Oh dear, you've gotten yourself into a bit of a dilemma haven't you? If you do truly love your husband then you mustn't see him again. Let him know that you feel flattered that he thinks he's in love with you but the relationship isn't going anywhere. Tell him you should never have let it get as far as it did and it has to stop... NOW! If you feel you can't control yourself when you see him then you just DON'T SEE HIM ANYMORE! Avoid him like the plague.
Then you need to concentrate on your husband and children. Spend quality time with your husband, tell him you love him very much, leave him notes to find saying you miss him, you love him, can't wait till he gets home etc etc. Try to spice up your love life a bit. Wear things to tease him and always make an effort to look nice for him. It's easy to let marriage become a habit and after a while you find things are a bit mundane and boring hence the reason you sought out this guy. Just let's hope he doesn't say anything to your husband. Change your mobile number and your email address, that will let him see you're serious about finishing it with him.
Let it be a lesson to you in the future too NOT to play with fire!
Eve
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