A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi folks, I’m looking for some help working out if I’m being unreasonable; if my friend is; or if it’s a bit of both.So basically my friend is getting married in August and I’m going to be a bridesmaid. That’s all fine, but the problem is she seems to be expecting a lot from me. Of course I don’t mind helping out, but I was thinking that meant things like sticking stamps on envelopes and that sort of thing, not making the centrepieces! I’ve tried to explain to her that I don’t have the time (or the desire) to get as involved as that, but she just keeps saying it won’t be a lot of work. But I’ve just watched my brother get married and it is! These things tend to grow arms and legs very easily.In fact, it’s already becoming too much. You see I’ve also just started a new job. It’s my dream job in a completely new industry, so I’m coming home tired every night as I’m having to take so much information in. It’s also long hours - 11/12 hour days - with an hour each way commute at either side. Yet she’s constantly asking me if I’m free at evenings and weekends to go and make decorations at hers or help her choose the best fabrics to work with. And when I explain that I’m not home yet or I wanted to have a chilled Saturday she seems a little put out. So I’m scared this is going to cause us to fall out as we’ve still got 7 months until the actual wedding.She keeps saying that she’s not very crafty and I am, but if that’s the case surely she shouldn’t be expecting to have a DIY wedding if she doesn’t have the skills to carry it off? Her parents are also very well off, but they don’t like to spend their money so I’m feeling as though I’m just cheap labour at this stage.I didn’t sign up for all of this and I’m really considering telling her I don’t have the time to dedicate to this so stepping down as bridesmaid. However, I’ve known her since we were 6 and there’s no way I can do that without seriously damaging our friendship.Any advice and thoughts would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice, it’s appreciated.
Just to clarify, as I said in my original post I don’t mind helping out. Not at all. But she’s not just looking for help she’s looking for me to do most of it for her because she doesn’t know how.
She’s been finding all of these ideas in DIY blogs online and is asking me what I’ll need to make them. So it’s not just a case of me going round there to help assemble, glue and stick things down (which I absolutely wouldn’t mind), it’s the opposite. She wants me to be the one that’s in charge of working out how to recreate them and she’ll help me, and I quote, with the ‘easy bits’, because she’s not good at this sort of thing.
I did suggest outsourcing, and I tried to point out that some people have entire businesses dedicated to creating wedding decor on this scale. Not to mention the fact that, while I am quite good at crafts and such things, the most I’ve really done is home DIY projects so this is a very different thing. But she just dismisses my concerns each time and tells me she doesn’t want to outsource because she wants everything to be ‘home made’ or because it’ll cost too much. She fails to take into account the fact there’s a reason for that - it’s a huge job!
I suppose I’m feeling like the roles should be flipped. If she had worked out what she wants and was simply asking me to help assemble it then no problem. But in this case she’s asking me to do the hard work of essentially re-designing the centrepieces, invites, floral chandeliers (!) etc based on some photos and she’ll then help put them together.
For what it’s worth I actually think part the problem is I’ve always been very accommodating towards her. I’m always the one she turns to when she’s having a bad day or an argument with her fiancé (quite often unfortunately), and I rarely ever have that sort of drama in my life so I don’t ask the same in return really. But now that I have this stressful job and I need her to be the one that shows me a bit of understanding this time, she isn’t really returning the favour.
I think I’ll try to have another talk with her and explain that I need a few months to get settled in this new job, so if she can work out what she wants I’ll be happy to step in and help with the manual work nearer the time. We also have the hen party to organise (we’re going to New York as she’s always wanted to go, so that’s not a small task either) which is about all I can manage time wise at the moment.
Thanks again everyone.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 February 2018):
 While the first instinct in reading your post is to tell her to take a hike, a kinder approach is to look at this this way. She's your lifelong friend, she's about to get married, she's stressed and she's banking on you for support.
Even if you can't help her out as much as she wants, you have to do something. Also, tell her the truth, tell her what you've told us.. That you didn't know this was going to be so much work especially when you really don't have the time. Maybe it would be better to outsource the work? Even if her parents don't want to pay, surely she can, for some things?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 February 2018):
 “Hi, Shelly, I can’t get together this week during the week or next week either. I’ve started this new job and I am now at work or commuting for 13-14 hours every day. After I carve out my necessary sleep out of the remainder, I have 3-4 hours to shop, cook, eat breakfast and dinner, do laundry, read email, bathe, pay bills, talk to family, and relax after a long day.
On the weekends, I need some recovery time. I do have some free time and when I do, I want to do whatever I can to help you with the wedding.
I am so happy for you and excited to be included in your wedding!
I am honored and proud to be part of it.
My crazy schedule is going to keep me from giving you as much time as I’d like; I’m so sorry. I can give you x hours on Saturday or Sunday each weekend/every other weekend/once a month.
I’d hate for you to be relying on me for things I just can’t do with my schedule! I want you to have an amazing wedding day!”
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2018): I think that she is being too demanding, but on the other hand it is somewhat rude to say that you just want a "chill saturday" instead of coming over and doing crafts with her. I get it- I work long hours and the exhaustion is real but people who don't will not understand. I think I would try to be honest but nice and tell her look I want to help but I am absolutely exhausted, worn-down and feel one step away from getting sick with this new job. I can come over to sit and help with something relaxing and small, but I don't think I can handle 40 something centrepieces." She should be willing to hear your side too. But you have to show her that you are willing to do SOMETHING.
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (1 February 2018):
 I understand. You didn't ASK to be a bridesmaid. And it is a lot of work if the bride makes it that way. You're not obligated to help and if I were you, the assumption that I will/can/should prioritise someone's wedding over my own life would make me less inclined to find time to help them. I don't think this makes you a bad friend. It's a balance. Some people will find the time and energy to be the best bridesmaid ever, and some people will be working 12 hour days and need to bloody relax at the weekends.
You need to be upfront. She shouldn't be reaching for things she isn't capable of doing. Tell her you just can't dedicate time to doing those things and don't have the energy. If you're good friends you should be willing to understand each other.
I'm getting married next year and I'm asking my bridesmaids to let me know what they WANT to help with and if that's nothing then that's nothing. And that's fine. Because they didn't ask to have a second job.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 February 2018):
 I think I would tell her that for the next 3 months you will be working HARD on getting yourself situated at your new job and probably won't have much time for much of anything. BE UP FRONT. If that means stepping down as a Bride's maid then let HER make that choice.
Just because you are crafty or creative doesn't mean you somehow OWE her to do her wedding crafts for her. If that is what she wanted SHE should have been up front and ASKED you, not just ASSUMED that you would want to do that for her.
On the other hand if this is a really good friend I can't see why you CHOOSE to not find time to spend time with her and help her. Doesn't mean you HAVE to now make 55 center pieces or whatever but why not MAKE the time (as best as you can) to either help her organize what she will need, or help her find less "crafty" options etc.
I have had two VERY good friends get married and both had the more "craft" oriented weddings and while I WAS busy with physical rehab and a brand new job I also found time to help out because to me THAT is what friends do. I spend 20 hours making placement cards as I am rather decent with calligraphy. I did it because she is my dear friend and I wanted to make her happy and take some of the wedding stress of her. I helped the other bride with sewing the flower girl's dress and making her wedding cake. Plus I went to bridal salons with both friends and other little silly stuff. I also helped arrange one Hen Party and one Rooster party.
Now I get it, you and I probably don't see friendships the same way.
Being a FRIEND means you CARE and you do what you can when they are in NEED. If all you CAN offer is put on a designated dress and show up then TELL her that.
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