A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help to deal with this situation without judgement please. I am having a relationship with my pastor. Well most would say affair but it is more than that to me. I'm 26 and a single Mum and he helped me so much and my wee girl. I ended up falling for him even though he's twice my age. But I just see a man with a big heart who is so supportive to me. Nothing happened until bonfire night and things went further between us. He is a amazing man, runs his Church well, and loves and helps everyone. The reason for my post obviously I'm not with him this week, I'm with my own Family and off course he is at home with his wife. I miss him, I won't see him till Saturday and struggling with it, if im honest. Used to helping at the Church and being by his side daily. I know he can never finish with his wife, as his position would never allow it and our Church too need him. I know I should walk away but I can't.I tried to with a boy my own age and I was attacked with guilt because of it I told him and he made sure it wouldn't go anywhere by sending the guy a stream of mails of why he should stay away and to the guys Mother too whom I used to get along with, but now I can't speak to them. Another single guy from the Church used to chat to me all the time in FB as my friend and he told someone to have a word with the guy that it wasn't appropriat. I know on both counts he was protecting me. I only want him aanyway. I can't walk away or move on as he wouldn't let me anyway. But can't handle the situation either. Help please!
View related questions:
affair, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): It might be smart to realise that you are putting your child in a situation where the pastor might want to morph her into his family while you become outcast as an unstable wayward single mom!
So it would be smart to change your weekly habits and start helping out at playgroup instead of at church!
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 December 2016):
You know that book you take to church? The book you are suppose to be reading...it has all the answers you need. Obviously neither the pastor or you, are reading that book.
If you look up the 10 commandment...Remember the one that says..ummm...Do not commit Adultery.
I am not blaming you in any way...but he should be an expert at knowing this commandment. So if he feels no way about doing this...He is not being lead by GOD....And if GOD is not leading him...then you know who is...and you right by his side.
Want proof....You said this...
"I tried to with a boy my own age and I was attacked with guilt because of it"
Dating a boy your own age and not the pastor was right. But the one who is leading you to do evil, made you feel guilty for doing the right thing, and made you go back to doing the wrong thing. Then his soldier, the pastor, made sure you are protected to continue doing the wrong things.
Take a good look... Evil knows GOD's words too. That is why you read the book for yourself and follow it, and not sit there listening to the pastor talk.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 December 2016):
 Spreading the word of God, then cheating on his wife, family and YOU. Speaks volumes of an A class arrogant hypocrite. I say cheating you because this is not the work of a man who will give you anything but a bullshit story to keep you as a bit on the side. I cant help but see his behaviour as that of a predator by taking advantage of your vulnerable state. The best course of action for you and your son would be to cut tie and leave the church. Because when it all comes out, and it will, you will be punished as the scarlet woman while he will more than likely be forgiven by the parish and his wife. All it takes is a well worded speech asking for forgiveness for losing his way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 December 2016):
 You have gotten SO much common sense advice already and I hope you will read the answers and DO the right thing. FOR YOU and your CHILD's sake.
But my guess is you won't take the advice to heart and follow it. You will continue on this path of destruction (and it IS that for you) until it blows up in your face. (and it will).
Your pastor has BOTH his livelihood, his marriage AND his reputation to uphold, so WHEN (and it WILL happen) it's found out, YOU will become the "Jezebel" of the church, parishioners and probably the whole village/town. YOU might even have to move to get away from the people you now think CARES about. HE will gladly POINT the finger at YOU if it means he gets to keep his job AND his wife. You think you would matter in that case? Not one bit.
This pastor has done this before, he is just a little to "cheater savvy" to not have. And my guess is, like YouWish mentions, he has used "pillow-talk" information of previous women to keep a lid on things - call it BLACKMAIL.
You aren't SO young that you don't KNOW any better. But right now YOU are getting something out of this affair. THAT is why you won't let it go.
Can you afford to move away from where you live when this come crashing down? Because you will need to get the HAY HAY out of town. He will sacrifice you in a heartbeat to keep his job, and even IF he has to move away to another village/town - he will get a fresh start and you.... will still be vilified.
Don't be stupid. And don't be so naive that you think this "pastor" is really looking out for you. HE is not. He is looking out for HIMSELF and his PENIS.
He is a such a hypocrite and a disgrace to his church. And YOU have been made part of that.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2016):
 PS, the only way you're going to get out of this without becoming the most judged and hated person in the church and community is to come up with some spiritual "God told me to make a change" story and split the church.
Otherwise, get ready for one hell of a bumpy ride with zero mercy. I don't say this with relish...because the one I would want to see get tossed is the pastor. He's the one betraying his wife and his church.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 December 2016):
Wait a second. You said something on here that blew me away!
You're a SINGLE mother! Another SINGLE guy started chatting with you on Facebook, and this pastor is admonishing the SINGLE guy to stay away from you, and you think that this protects YOU????
No! Just **Facepalm**. He's protecting HIMSELF, not you! He's using and exploiting your vulnerability, and do you know what he cares more about than you having sex with someone else???
YOUR PILLOW TALK!! If you get too close to another church member sexually or relationally, you'll let out that the pastor has been having sex with you and BOOM, the pastor's livelihood and life is toast.
I've seen it happen firsthand. I grew up in churches and saw what happens when pastors and parishioners get too close. I avoided one for that reason - he made a pass at me like a creep when I was a teenager (he was 35), I rebuffed him, and he ended up sleeping with a 20-year old newly married mother and broke both his and their marriage to hell, caused a massive church split, and finally destroyed the church.
He's using you. He's protecting his own ass. Don't kid yourself. If you were to LEAVE the church, he would do cartwheels because the fear of exposure is off. I'm guessing that you're not the only one there. Most pastors who act this way have a harem who each thinks that they're the only one. You're not.
That's the other reason why he's isolating you. You start getting close and confiding, and you'll find out some really unsavory secrets and connecting dots that he doesn't want you to. Some guy's sister mentions that she and the pastor went to lunch or had an outing that sounds really suspiciously like how he seduced you?? Don't laugh! It happens!
Why do you THINK that churches with lecherous pastors are so ANTI-gossip? Don't touch the Lord's anointed? ugh. That scripture wasn't even about pastors, much less adulterers.
Think about it. Your relationship is going to crash and burn, and YOU will be vilified.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 December 2016):
 I'm back.
I've been a single mother, its not easy, especially when we are trying to make our way in the world, regardless the circumstances that brought us to our single parenthood (a failed marriage in my case), there are always people quick to point the finger.
Your affair WILL come to light. As sure as the sun will rise and the sun will set your affair with the married pastor will come to light.
This man has no moral compass, WHEN your are exposed as his dirty little secret, the piece on the side where do you think the fingers will point?
Consider, before you answer, how long it has taken for the truth to be revealed of sexual abuses within the churches, and how hard those churches have striven to absolve themselves of blame, and to shift it onto other people. In one case an Australian bishop blamed a 14 year old victim for her sustained and ongoing abuse at the hands of one of his priests.
If the church can, and will, do that to a child, what do you think they will do to you?
ITs way past time for you to stop with the "oh woe is me" and saying you cant walk away ... of course you can walk, so get to and walk! And call this bastard out for the hypocrite and liar he his.
You are only going to end up on the losing end here, you will be painted as a scarlet woman, and there is a strong possibility your child will be teased and bullied for it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): Ooh my, This man has really do e a number on you.
Off course he helped you and your daughter it was his job! Using u for his own pleasure isn't.
This man has full control if you by the sounds D
Of it, telling you who can and I can't have in your life! Don't go back to that Church for a few weeks & block his number and I can guarantee you will start to have a better vision of the situation. You already are this week that he "can't" get to you.
Go and spend time with your kid, family, friends don't allow this so called pastor to isolate you! That's what it sounds like he is doing. Stay away from him sweetheart. This man is harming you spiritually and mentally and taking advantage of his position. What does the Bible tell you about Marriage or how to live? Is he a example of that? Is how he is hurting his wife like Jesus?
Lying to his Church everyone he preaches like Jesus?
This man is no man of God, he helped you because he wanted your body, crude but truth. Now he gets it he wants to insure you don't go off with someone else?
No sorry, get away from him!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (27 December 2016):
 Sorry but it isn't that you can't...its that you won't. They don't mean the same thing. You don't WANT to end things. I can tell you that things won't end well with you and this pastor. You are his little piece on the side and that's all you are, all you will ever will. You are right, he'll never end it with his wife. Even if she finds out, he'll make it out like its your fault and you seduced him.
My best friend was a mistress to an older man for 7 years. She spent all of the holidays and important times alone..just hoping he would call her. Its not a nice way to live.
Wake up, take off the rose colored glasses and realize you are condemning yourself to a very sad lonely life. Don't you think you deserve better? The years will pass by and you'll still be alone except for those moments he can sneak away to be with you. Is that REALLY what you want??? Think about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): I feel your pain sweetie. I'm in the same boat. He is older than me and married. Been with him almost four years. And I am struggling everyday and everyday I am having an emotional breakdown because of him. I love him now. How could I not after 4 years together? And he was my first. But he will never leave his wife. I spend lots of time with him. When she is away, he stays with me. And during that time we are like a real couple. Then when she is back, we are back to reality. And I must again kill my emotions for him and put the wall back up. It's all and then nothing. From feeling special and in love to having to feel numb again and so alone and feeling worthless. It is a vicious cycle and just like an addiction. It's a hard habit to break. Crazy because the one thing that is making you happy is the very thing that is destroying you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 December 2016):
Your pastor is lying to you, he is lying to his wife, his children if he has any, he is lying to his parishioners and he is lying to his church. His God, however, knows the truth!
Cant walk away? What a load of BS! All you need to do is tell him what he is, a big fat liar, and use your feet.
what a bloody ratfink that man is!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): I'm afraid he isn't sending these other men communication telling them to stay away from you to protect you.
He is telling them to stay away from you because he doesn't want anyone else to have you, or to find out about you and him and he doesn't care how he goes about it. He has now alienated three friends of yours and you are choosing to overlook this. I understand that you only want him, but if you can imagine for a moment that there will probably come a time when you will want to leave him. He won't let you. He is behaving in a controlling and jealous manner now, imagine what he will be like when and if you change your mind about him.
Listen, I don't say any of this lightly. I have answered this without seeing any other answers, but I bet you anything you like that they will all be saying the same things to you.
That this man is not what he seems, that he is potentially dangerous to you and that for the sake of you and your child, you need to wake up. He is pretending to be a lovely kind man, when in reality I sincerely doubt that he is, given his actions with regard to you.
I have been with someone like him. Believe me, men like this are wonderful and charming and you can't believe you've met anyone as good as him before. But I would like you to seriously consider the fact that he is abusive. I am saying this based on his actions so far. He is controlling what you do and who you see in an over the top fashion, not caring how it impacts you.
Seeing a post such as yours always worries me very much, because it reminds me of a lamb being led to the slaughter and you don't see it and you probably won't believe me. But please listen to someone who has had experience of this kind of man too many times and I can see what he is from a mile away. You won't see it because he has you charmed up to your eyeballs.
I believe him to be abusive and I think you should be very careful about how much you attach yourself to him or make yourself reliant on him. Abusive men always try to isolate their partners/ girlfriends so that they have no support network when they might need one to help them leave. They are also VERY jealous. Your pastor friend has already shown those two traits and you've only been with him a month. There are very many other ways in which they behave and I would like to suggest to you that you read up on abusive men and their tactics. At least that way if he gets any worse (and if I'm right, he most definitely will), then you will at least understand what's happening.
You will probably have no clue as to what I'm going on about, but if you will trust me and learn what to look out for from him in the future, then you are forewarned. The fact that you feel SO reliant on him that you can't do without him for a little while, rings alarm bells too.
All this without even mentioning that he is a pastor with a wife at home, having sex with a woman half his age.
I'm not having a go at you, just trying to make you look at him in a different light. Give him time though and HE will make you see him in a different light. I bet you anything you like. Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2016): He sounds like a creep who's only paying lip service to God's word. He's systematically removing men that could be interested in you by using his influence in church. Churchgoers ARE going to talk because it'll start getting obvious - YOU'LL be the fall guy then, mind you. Change churches and get rid of his contact.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 December 2016):
 If he wouldn't let you move on, he's controlling. Not only that, but the church doesn't allow affairs either, so not divorcing is BS.
I know it's hard, but you need to show your child how to behave and being with a married person is not that way. Leave and stick to it.
...............................
|
