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I can't stop seeing prostitutes...

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Pornography, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 January 2009) 10 Answers - (Newest, 29 January 2013)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

hi agony agony aunts and uncles,

I have a problem which is really getting me down. To put it bluntly in the last year I have had sex with more than 20 prostitutes. I have no problem getting women the normal way (one might even call me a player) but despite this and the fact that paying for sex makes me feel so bad on so many different levels, I still continue to seek out prostitutes.

It feels like its taken a hold on me and become part of my life so quickly. I never thought I would be this sort of person. Even when I tell myself I will never do it again and get in a really happy positive mind frame, somehow I excuse myself and end up in the same depressed/shamed place only to go start the cycle again.

To top all of this I have a girlfriend who I've been with for 4 months and I'm putting her in danger which makes it so much worse. To be honest this is where most of the guilt comes from. If I hurt myself because of my own actions it's fair enough but I shouldn't be putting her at risk.

I think I probably have sex addiction. Many readers might not understand or agree with the term but for me this seems very real.

The use of prostitutes for me seems to have come from using pornography so heavily from the age of 11 on my computer. My dad bought me my first porno magazines when I was 9. I never thought of pleasuring myself as bad I thought of it as healthy. I used to use porn from 1 to 10 or more times a day. Many times making myself bleed because of the excessive rubbing of the skin. I don't use porn so heavily now maybe 1- 5 times a week but there was a change over from a phase where I was spending £100 quid on porn movies to where I decided to visit a prostitute. I used my first prostitute in Amsterdam when I was 16, and had slept with another when 18 on another trip there.

I've had many relationships and I won't get into the ins and outs of them right now but I think they play their part also. All of these prostitutes have really been changing my emotions and in a way Ii can't explain, changing the way I view 'normal' women.

I know I can get help for these sort of problems but they cost a lot of money - or I can get it on the NHS but that has a very long waiting list.

I'm sorry if there is no clear question. I just want to stop seeing prostitutes for good. I'd be glad to hear from people who have the same sort of problems.

Sorry for the long essay, I just want people to be able to grasp my problem in a full picture.

thanks

View related questions: depressed, money, player, porn, prostitute, sex addict

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A male reader, Danman438 United States +, writes (29 January 2013):

I have struggled with sex addiction for years,massage parlors and prostitutes.

it is a very insidious disease if you wish to call it that.

i dont think it can be wished away or just replaced with other more healthy behavior ,all though that is good.

i think all addiction is an escape of some kind..try to ne'er stand what it is you are wanting to escape from.

a therapist can probably help with that.

i think the 12 step programs are good for a while but have to be careful not to make it a life long conversation.

mostly it is usually something about our selves. we don't like that makes us want to escape.

best of luck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010):

bro, i had this problem, but then i got married i and i knew i had to stop. porn was also an issue, but i then it started to affect my sexual relationship with my wife, so i decided to stop once and for all. I started to look into religion for an answer, then i read about islam and the quran, when i converted i managed to train my mind to kill the thought before it arouses me. This is the way to do it. Look for something u really beleive in, and use wil power to kill these thoughts before they develope

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

well heres my follow up, more than a year later.

through posting on here i was contacted by a very kind and helpful women who's husband had been in a similar situation.

she listened to my concerns and gave me some much needed advice.

(i remember at the time was a massive relief to talk about it with someone as i had barely talked about it with anyone apart from mates who were not to clued up on the subject)

she gave me numbers for therapists and also for the SAA meetings.

i didn't get up the courage to follow through with either the therapist or the SAA meetings due to being to scared. but she had turned my head around to understanding that this was a real problem. and that i clearly needed to confront it because it was causing me distress. which was hard to admit to myself even though i knew it to be true.

so months went by me still using prostitutes, trying to use them less. telling myself i could self medicate. which never seemed to work at all.

one day (maybe around november 09) i got a blow-job without a condom. (which is something i would never normally do with a prostitute) i told myself it was fine at the time and completely regretted it afterwards. i started to get worried that there was a chance i could have caught something. so i went to sexual health clinic. i ended up telling one of the male doctors there and asking for help bursting into tears. he booked me a in assessment, where they see exactly what it is you need and what they are going to need to get for you. i had to go on a waiting list for 2 months untill they called and booked my first appointment to start therapy. (free on NHS)

meanwhile i went to talk with a friend who is twice my age and been around the block a bit. we talked endlessly about it and alot of things we talked about really helped to get my head around things. to see things in a different light. that these women didnt want me and that it was an act.

that it's never good sex and you never get what you really want. many things which rang true to me which helped me burst the bubble so to speak.

since talking with my friend i have found i can control myself and i have not been to one prostitute. (although i have talked to many friends none as helpful as this so my advice to anyone in the same boat is to also seek professional help as i did)

its not like its completely gone away but i can control it just about.

but seeking help was the main factor for that i feel.

talking about it really helps.

my therapist seems nice and is helpful.

i am not magically cured of thoughts of prostitutes for ever. but i feel alot more in control and happier for it. and would advise anyone going through a simular situation to not ignore it.

don't beat yourself up about it. seek help its easier.

thanks to all the people that answered my question and to Ask eve and Gina for pointing my in the right direction. your help is not forgotten.

and last but not least thanks to the owners of the website for giving me a place to voice my worries and get decent advice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010):

The only way to beat this, as with any addiction, is abstinence. Delete and throw out all your porn. Delete numbers of massage parlours etc. If you remove the things that tempt you, that is half the battle.

It will be really hard for the first week or so. And you will be tempted to look at porn/escort sites online. But just make a deal with yourself that you are going to give it a go for 2 weeks. Immerse yourself in your work/hobbies... visit friends and family.

If your at home and get an urge go out for a walk to get your mind off it.

I think when you break the cycle your in for a couple of weeks you will realize that you dont need to be a slave to this addiction anymore.

You will realize you are in control... and you dont need to slip into that sort of behaviour again.

You will realize that these things that you think are making your happy... are not worth it, and that you can beat them... and then you will feel empowered to be a master of your life.

Its natural to have a good sex life and to masturbate a few times a week. But do it in a healthy way... do not use any porn. Just use your imagination. And only have sex with your girlfriend/wife.

You can beat this...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009):

Yes, I have the same problem, Its been going on for about a year now. I can't stop, I try but i always end up going there when i feel alone or depressed. I have been married for 7 years and my wife knows about it, we haven't been sleeping with each other for a while. I know i have a problem but dont know how to make it go away. Financially it is crippling me. Good luck I hope u sort it out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009):

I am recently married to a girl I have known for 8 years. We love each other very much and most of our friends say they wish they could have a relationship like ours.

That being said, I have been occasionally seeing erotic massage parlors and a few prostitutes over the past year or so - and am very worried about the trend. This is the first time I have ever written about it. In the past I have made several mistakes (hooking up with other women at parties when my wife was not around - excessive alcohol always involved) which have lead to sleeping with several strangers with no prior intention of doing so.

A few years ago I discovered how easy it was to find erotic massage parlors in my local area. I have been surfing porn since I was about 13 (I imagine like most guys) however it has become somewhat of an obsession, especially when there is nobody home. Sometimes I end up masturbating for several hours straight - and find myself looking for new material to change up the experience. When I step back and look at what is happening, I can't believe what decisions I have justified.

There have been some close calls, but I haven't been formally caught doing anything really bad. I am worried that if I don't change something my life is about to slip over a cliff and there will be no turning back. I am a good guy and it can be very frustrating and scary to feel like I don't have control over myself, I don't want to hurt my wife and just want to be a good husband.

I would appreciate any comments - just writing a bit does seem help add some clarity to things.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2009):

Your father bought you a porn mag when you were 9...??? Heavens, the education as a young age has an effect. This is why I belive that porn should not be so accessible. It trains your mind to seek for a kind of relationship that is not "real". Not only you ar adicted but the kind of pleasures you seek are egoistic. Why should women be torn apart in difficult positions have painful sex and find this wonderful and cry in plesure... you cannot find then a satisfactory relationship.

Well, enough said... YOU NEED OUT NOW... but how. I recommend you to go to something like martial arts very very often - regularly. It will benefit your body. Do activities with constant meetings, get involved in social obligatiopns that keep you in a gym, in the air and with people and out of the computer window. I would ban it from the net, it is getting into our minds.

You need to have your body tired, your head redisciplined, mental re-education is the word. You have to fill it with other thoughts. I said martial arts, because these have the benefit when serious to be linked to a phylosophy and discipline of life. I did it for years was a great benefit and now I regret I stopped I need to go back.

Get social, work with people, specially mixed groups of normal young people hanging out, get to know women as people, not as bodies. You have a girlfriend, but you need friends. Not enough, but it helps a bit.

Go to SAA Sex Addicts Anonimous given the situation, but make your life healthy. Be organised... after some months you can create an automatic discipline for life... you will breathe more freely, but be careful, relapse is easy. Sex is as much as an addition as gambling.

Good luck man, you have realised it, and that is a first step. Get an obsessive healthy hobby that tires you out. I know it is not easy, I did never got near to your situation, but there have been bad patches in my life and sex always looks louring and it is there 24h a day one click away... I hate it and has hurt me a lot... I have too mch to lose and it nevertheless has power ower me. Discipline, discipline, fresh air, sports lots of social contacts.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2009):

I am also addicted to prostitutes like you and I'm also a similar age but the difference is I don't have a girlfriend so that's probably why i keep going to parlours all the time. I think that if it's getting you down then maybe you should try and stop looking at porn and maybe delete the parlour numbers because that help you.or you could go to some sort of sex addicts rehab place.i understand where your coming from because i#m very addicted to the places,i even went to see the same one twice in one day and I regularly go to a parlour each week but infortunatey where I come from there aren't many girls of my age group so I don't have much choice to go to the places.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009):

hey you have this guy trying to get away from sex addiction and if you look at the google add ... it says about sex and get laid ... all over the pafe... very funny.....

gud luck.... with getting rid of the habbit....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009):

Try going celibate for a month and focus yourself. Think about each action carefully and during this time try and see a therapist to help you through it. I think this addiction stems from your Dad and him exposing you to the wrong sort of sex from an early age. Sex should be between two people who love each other, we are not animals and there are many diseases to consider. You could be putting yourself at risk as well as your girlfriend. You need to wake up.

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