A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know how to stand up to my wife when it comes to money. She literally spends a fortune on things and activities we just don't need to do and no matter how much I try to put money away for a rainy day, we always end up with nothing at the end of each month.Every time we argue or I pull her up on her spending she manages to twist everything I say and make me look like the bad guy so in the end I have to back down. Usually what she buys involves our two children in some way so she tries to make me feel like I'm depriving them of nice things by saying no. I've tried making a list showing her all our outgoings each month and even give her a £30 a week allowance but its never enough. Every time she sees a 'bargain' or 'something nice for the kids' she has to get it. The other week she ordered them both shoes that light up like a Christmas tree off Ebay at £25 each. Other than the fact they light up they look as flimsy as anything and like they'd fall apart after a couple of wears. I tried telling her it was a completely unnecessary purchase but then she ropes the kids in who loved them of course, so once again I was made to look like the bad guy.We're going to Disneyland Paris in May and still need to pay the remaining balance of £900 by the end of February. I did my budgeting for the run up to Christmas and thought we'd be able to pay £650 off it but in a matter of weeks that figure has dropped to barely £350, all because my wife has been splurging on pointless crap and eating out all the time.I think part of the problem is that I'm not a very confident person and don't cope very well in arguments, whereas she has no problem asserting herself in any situation. Really I should just admit she walks all over me. But what do I do? I can't just hide all the money from her can I? Either way she'll just get what she wants. No matter how many times I remind her that Disneyland needs paying off she keeps saying 'it'll be fine' and 'we'll sort something'. She's also going on about booking a holiday in Mexico next year as well. Any advice on how to reign her in? I'm well and truly out of ideas.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): OP here. Thanks for all your advice. I did forget to mention that my wife does work as well and contributes to our income, so I'm not the only one putting food on the table. Really that adds to the problem because she does have as much right to the money as I do in that sense.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2019): Somebody has to be the reasonable adult in the room!
The kids shouldn't love you for what you give them, or for bribes; that's teaching them to be greedy, materialistic, and selfish. She gets extra-points by spoiling them; and then she and your brood gang-up on you, by making your thriftiness look like stinginess.
You don't need a wife who's teaching the kids to gang-up on or disrespect their father for any reason. Your marriage is in trouble; if she doesn't contribute financially, but has full-reign over the household-budget. Why don't you just publicize all your bank account and credit card numbers on the internet? Why do you work and earn money?
You can't dole-out money to a grown-woman like she's a child getting an allowance. She's in a partnership in running your household. If she has a spending-impulse; then urge her to seek therapy, or temporarily shut-off direct-deposit from your payroll, and get paid by check. Then you'll have to cash it; and monitor spending until things are under control. Freeze all credit cards with balances; until they are paid-off. Save one for emergencies only! Do not "cancel" credit cards; that will lower your credit-score. What she opens herself, let her pay them herself! She shouldn't have credit cards of her own, but no job to pay them! She's not a kid or college-student living on her parents!
The Disneyland nonsense is going to kill itself; so stop fretting about it. How on earth is it your fault if your wife spends the money before you can pay for it?
Seriously?!! Some of this is just ridiculous!
What kind of advice will you follow and execute, if you're too passive to stand-up to your wife, dear sir?
I know that some of these posts are just stunts that people pull, attempting to stun aunts and uncles with totally outlandish rhetorical-questions, or something they've made up! They're a waste of time and might deserve no answers! Yet we try, because somewhere someone can relate by personal-experience.
There's another option. You can set-up direct-deposit with your payroll administrator on your job; to divert money to a one-owner accessible savings-account. Allowing your wife access only with your additional signature.
You should setup a separate household-spending account for your wife. Once she depletes the funds, that's it. You take care of whatever the family needs thereafter.
If you are timid or passive by nature; you shouldn't have a lot of jointly-owned credit cards, or go into a lot of debt. You're both setting yourselves up for disaster! Neither of you can control her spending!
If your children only love you when you give them things, that's not your wife's fault. IT'S YOURS!
Instead of being their dad, showing fatherly-authority, and teaching them about earning and spending; you compete for their affection with your wife. Instead of saying no, and standing your ground; you look like a wuss in-front of your own kids. How will they feel safe, or see you as an authority-figure? She is teaching them to have less respect for you than she does! She has utter disdain for your perceived weakness! She doesn't feel safe or secure either!
What's the likely end-result? Your children will become self-centered teenagers, running your chaotic-household into the ground along with your wife. You will be killing yourself with worry; and working overtime or multiple jobs, to keep-up with their wasteful-extravagance.
Need I make it look any more dire than it is?
Unless you take a stance, and use your wits to outsmart your spendthrift of a wife; you will be run-over by your kids, bankrupt, and your health will start to deteriorate under the stress and strain. You will dive into depression. You'll end-up drinking, in a middle-aged crisis, or in an early-grave! You're a man, and you have to be a role-model and set an example for your sons and/or daughters. You made children, chose to be a parent...now be a father! Do your children have one parent, or two? Who are you, their human ATM?
I always recommend people who don't know how to budget to attend seminars in financial-planning and money-management. Get professional-consultation in preparing for the future, or retirement. Hire yourself a financial-planner at your bank; to set a budget, and to teach both YOU AND YOUR WIFE about sensible-pending, saving, and investing.
You don't know how to restrain your wife's impulsive-spending; but someone outside your household might encourage more thriftiness; and warn her that her habits are going to leave you both broke beyond recovery one-day. Maybe minus a husband, and struggling on what she earns herself, to raise kids as a single-mother. She needs to visualize that probability, because she's pushing your marriage to the brink. If you become disabled, or lose your job, then what?
You are helping to drag your family into bankruptcy by folding instead of protecting your family's financial-security. Who's going to do it???
If she isn't earning money on her own, and doesn't have a job; it's no wonder she thinks money grows on trees.
You should read DC regularly. You will gain some idea of what happens to marriages where one personality completely overrides and overrules the other. Anything less than a partnership, or a team, is likely to fail. People who think they'll gain approval and acceptance through passivism; usually suffer from depression, experience emotional-distress, have panic-attacks, and anxiety-disorders. They place their fate in the hands of a more aggressive or extroverted-mate, or spouse; and end-up crushed under the strain and pressure. Either you man-up, or your household is going to kill you!
You should also seek legal-advice about your marriage and finances. If you can't bring matters under control, get on the same-page, or she is deliberately working against you; divorce is inevitable. If you don't drop dead first!
Whether you want a divorce, or not. It may come-down to it, as a matter of survival.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): I agree with others that you should ask your wife how she intends to cover the outstanding balance of the Disneyland trip. Tell her that there is no extra money so she will have to find it from somewhere. If you are the sole earner then you could also split your bank accounts and give her an allowance so she can’t spend more than you allocate her. She needs to realise that money doesn’t just grow on trees and that it’s a waste of money and other resources to buy pointless crap that’s going to end up in the trash
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2019):
 I think "youcannotbeserious" suggestion about telling her to be in charge of paying for the Disney trip is a good one, and don't bail her out!!
If words aren't having any effect then maybe that will.
The kids will get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2019): Your wife is being totally reckless. But you can't control her. But you can try and get her to see reason.
Put her in charge of paying off disneyland. Then if it does'nt happen she has no one to blame but herself. By you always picking up the slack she thinks 'i don't need to worry about this'.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 November 2019):
 Perhaps you should just leave her to it and lose the Disneyland holiday? When the deadline arrives for the money to be paid, ask her how SHE intends to sort it out, as she was so confident?
Harsh I know, but she is using you as a meal ticket and expecting you to pay for everything. It sounds like she doesn't work. Perhaps it is time she started so that she could learn that money needs to be earned and spent wisely.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (30 November 2019):
Hard call. I would personally consider cutting off her access to the credit cards and bank accounts until the Disney trip is paid for.
You don't say how old the children are but maybe its time she looked at getting a job so she can pay for the crap while you pay for the mortgage or rent, power, internet, food, water, council rates, petrol, and Disney holiday.
Also get on the same page about spending money wisely, check out Mary Hunt Cheapskate online for tips on clearing debt and saving for emergencies.
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