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I can't convince her to leave her husband.

Tagged as: Cheating, Forbidden love, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 March 2011) 13 Answers - (Newest, 2 March 2011)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am having trouble coping with the guilt I feel about the relationship my girlfriend and I have. She is married and has been married for 8 years, her and I have been seeing each other for 3 years and I can seriously say I love that women.

When I met her I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world and I begin flirting with her and sending her flowers. When I met her I had a girlfriend I had been with for 5 years but I fell hard for this women that I broke it off with my previous girlfriend because my married girlfriend would give me jealousy scenes and all I always wanted to do is please her and make her happy. The problem is that she said she would leave her husband and she still hasn't. Everytime I bring it up she gets upset and a fight breaks out, because she says she will, to give her time to stop pressuring her.

I don't want to leave her because I love her so much and I know she loves me but I just have to find a way to convince her in leaving her husband. She now has a baby but that baby could be mine, but she refuses to talk about it and says that the baby is her husbands. I stayed with her and loved her even when she got pregnant, I use to rub her tummy and spoiled her in all her cravings.

This women is the love of my life and even though a lot of you won't understand, I won't leave her, my family says that she has my balls in her hands they are not very happy with this relationship but they tolerates it because of the love they have for me. My question is how can I talk to her into leaving her husband and starting a brand new life with me. She does love me I just know I came in her life a little to late.

Please any advise is going to be greatly appreciated.

View related questions: flirt, flowers, jealous

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011):

True story, which you can use as a illustration of what can really suck about life if you get and stay in this type of situation.

Guy meets married woman, nice guy, friendly guy, falls for her, has affair, finds that he thinks he loves her, she is going to leave her husband, goes on for 2 years, she never leaves the hubby, he finally breaks it off and is alone, grieving for what he thought "could have been" and what he "didn't have" and what she did to him.

Then he visits me a couple months later, tells me this story, seems depressed. Not feeling well. Sees his doctor, gets worse, doctor does more workup.

He's sick.

He gets worse and dies.

Friend of mine, died last year, cancer.

He never knew what it was like to have someone who truly loved him for himself, his "married woman" loved him for his cock and the cheating on her spouse, but not for himself. He died without ever having what I have, someone who wakes up each morning and goes to bed each night happy to be beside you just because of who you are to them, which is what he really wanted.

He lived his entire life, 50 years, and never got that.

Yeah, she was cute, she was hot, as was his gf before her (I knew her as well), but neither of them really loved him.

So, if you just want to use someone, and be used by them, while someone else gets hurt, then affairs are the thing for you.

If, on the other hand, you want a LTR that is about you and the other person and something precious and lasting, don't have affairs.

Read some books on affairs and understand them.

BTW, you are not alone. You will find that out when you read about affairs and cheating.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (1 March 2011):

raiders agony auntYou been having this affair for three years and she still hasn't left her husband so the chances of that happening are slim. She probably does love you but not enough to give up her marriage, her family, her home, so in reality she loves her husband more.

If you have spoiled her in all her wishes including youself as being her main desert, than what makes you think she will give it all up. She is either a very good liar and has you both fool, or she is a great manipulator, working it all in her favor. My question is three years is a long time does her husband have any idea what his wife is doing behind his back, does he know about you at all.

I don't want to give you advise on how to break up a marriage but maybe her husband needs to know what kind of a women he is married to. Only reason I say this is because there is a child involve and this child needs to know who is his real father. The husbaned and you should make her have a paternity test to resolve this matter. Its not fair for her to choose the father, if there is a chance this baby could be yours than you have the right to claim him as yours. Be prepare though because if the paternity test comes in favor of her husband she might hate you for exposing her to her husband. I think this needs to be done now as the baby is still small and not 10 years from now. Who knows but doing this might cause her husband to leave her but this does not garanteed she will stay with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

As a married person with a "person on the side" I can tell you that I will not leave my husband for my boyfriend.... even if boyfriend asks. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN and we are only together a few months.

You guys are together three years... she has a child now. She is not going to leave the husband for you.

If you can live with that, then stay, if you can't live with the fact that you are second to her spouse, then you have to go.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

It's funny because I'm going through a similiar situation myself. Very similar to the point I had to do a double take at your post. Well I'm not going to lie I do love the woman I'm with although I didnt have a girlfriend when we meant and she had been separated I understood the situation and still understand it. Although you love her you have to do what is best for you. You can't make her leave her husband that's evident or she would've done so but what you need to do is like I have stop being so wrapped up in her. If she chooses to spend time with you enjoy it but make it on your terms for God's sake man let your nuts hang a little bit and stand up and be a man. If she does she does if not so be it just know that you gave it your best turn it over to your higher power and continue moving forward if she really loves you she'll come to you. If and when she does though just make sure you establish the rules

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (1 March 2011):

angelDlite agony aunthi

i believe that this is wrong on every level, but my personal opinion aside i will try to help you. firstly yes, i agree with your family when they say she has hold of you by the balls. you have been with her for 3 years already and she knows you do not want to share her with a man she is obviously still having sex with but she has not left him yet? what exactly does she mean by 'give her more time?' this is want you need to be asking her! don't just leave your balls in her hand and your entire life in the balance waiting for her say so. the relationship is NOT an equal one.

you also need to know WHY she is reluctant to leave her husband. what is she getting out of her marriage? what is she getting out of your affair? you have got a RIGHT to know these facts you know!

the fact that she threw histrionics about you having a girlfriend tells me a lot about this woman to be honest with you! (WTF?) and now she is still with her hubby?? double standards?!

i am sorry to break this news to you - she is not a nice person. she is a pathological liar and a good one at that to be able to keep your affair going for 3 years unknown to her husband and have a child whose paternity is a complete question mark.

i know you are not gonna like my answer as you came here looking for tips on how you could convince her to leave her marriage for you and my answer is you can't. if she wanted to be with you and not him she would have done something about it long ago. she is not doing the right thing for either you nor him - only herself and one day i hope you wake up to this fact. she is only likely to leave when she gets caught and thrown out by her husband and even then it may end up being YOU that she dumps. she might explain you away as a 'mistake' in her grovelling apologies to him. what is it about you that makes you happy to be second best like this?

has her husband got more money than you by any chance??

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

You have not mentioned who started first, you or she?, if she started then she is a cheater to her husband and she will be cheater to you one day in future, and if you started first then it was you who forced her to do wrong and she will never love you but just time pass with you and you will always feel that as love but that is not a love which hurts you a lot. However, you have betrayed your g/f, she might have gone through the pain which you are going through now, so everyone has their time (I'm sorry but that is the truth which I have experienced). My suggestion find someone who is not married/couple otherwise it will be like stealing someone's love which in return gives pain like what is going on with you now. However, now leave even if you started or she started, wrong is wrong and look for good future ahead.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (1 March 2011):

Anonymous 123 agony auntYou cant convince her to do anything she doesnt want to. She had the choice and she has CHOSEN to be with her husband. That is a decision which she has taken and you cannot force her or convince her to change it in any way. Its not that she is a 5 year old who doesnt know the ways of the world. She knows very well what her options are, and she has done whatever she wants you.

No matter how early or late you think you came into her life, these are just excuses. Its never too late, and you know it as well as we all do. It was never too late for you to get out of a long term relationship because you realized that maybe your happiness was with someone else. If she realized the same, she would have left her husband for you. But she didnt.

Obviously the sensible thing to do here would be to leave her alone and move on with your life. You dont get it...this woman has set up her life the way she wants to...she has a husband, a baby, a home, her family, to fall back upon. She has it all while you are the person who's giving up everything just to be with someone who would never come to you. At the end of the day, she sleeps in bed with her husband and has a baby to call her own, while you have nothing. You are just wasting that time of your life where you can actually make your own life. If you dont realize this now, there will be a time tomorrow, when you will be sitting empty-handed with nothing to call your own, and wondering where on earth you've gone wrong!

Forget about convincing her, listen to your family, what they are telling you is right. If you're still not convinced by all this, find yourself one single sane person who supports your decision to carry on with this affair.

Move on from this mess, lead a better life. All the best..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

She loves you because she knows she can have her cake and eat it too. If she truly loves you she would leave her husband to be with you, but it doesn't seem like it. She's using you and I know you won't believe it because like they say, love makes you go blind. You are blind to the fact that as long as you allow it, she'll be able to have some fun with you on the side. You'll always be on the side. She'll say things to make you stay. I know this because I was like that with another guy who was married. I didn't believe anyone because I knew this guy was going to leave his wife for me. I too waited for him and wanted him to leave his wife for me. I was convinced that he was going to elave. I was convinced that any time now he'll leave her. He never did leave her. In fact, he took her out on trips and spoiled her with lavish gifts. I got only leftovers. I finally realized that I was just that, nothing more than a floozy on the side. Don't be that. You wasted 3 years to be with a "make believe" relationship? Is that what you truly want? Try something on for size...go and ask another woman out....a woman that's truly available to go out and have fun. A woman who also has the knack of wonderful convserations and interests, a woman who makes you feel like the luckiest person in the world...a woman who can truly be yours and yours only. Try that out for size. The minute you do, that woman you were having that affair with...hmm, wonder if she'll risk ending her marriage to be with you....try it on, but do it because you want a fresh start in love, in life, in friendship....don't be afraid to take a risk in finding the right woman for you. I did, and I now know what love is truly all about. I thought there wasn't anyone out there for me, but buddy, there is. I'm happy I took that risk. Oh yeah, and that guy I had the affair with? I saw him a couple of weeks ago...gosh, how fast it was for him to find another "mistress" so quickly! Don't be a fool!

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A female reader, No watered down advice here! United States +, writes (1 March 2011):

No watered down advice here! agony auntWhen a woman or man leaves their spouse for another, all the other person has is a man or woman that cheats on their spouse! ijs! Wake-up! You deserve better than that, you need to sit back and ask yourself "Why am I putting myself through this hurt, pain and disappointment" You left a person, you were with for 5 years for a maybe? I know how it is to be deeply in love I also know I had to learn to love me before I could be of any good to any one else. Set her free, if it's meant to be, it will be. Right now she's not available.

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A female reader, chocoholicforever United States +, writes (1 March 2011):

It sounds like your married girlfriend is stringing you along while cheating on her husband. Are you sure this is someone you want to hold onto??

It sounds like she's either very selfish (not wanting to give up anything) or wishy-washy (can't decide if she does in fact want to be with you or stay with her husband) or very weak and cowardly. Either way, people who are selfish or wishy-washy or weak are untrustworthy and they can really yank you around, like she's doing.

If she's selfish and just doesn't want to give up anything, well then I'm afraid there isn't anything you can do.

If she's wishy washy and keeps changing her mind on whether she really wants to be with you or with him, I think you'd be best served to leave her too cos such people often can remain undecided forever and even if she did decide on you, she could change her mind again in future.

If she's at least decided (or so she claims) that she wants to leave her husband and be with you but is just too weak to do it and has all these fears or mental roadblocks about divorcing, well then she needs to grow a spine and do something that's uncomfortable but because it's the right thing to do since it's wrong to be cheating on your spouse.

Does she fear her husband? Is she afraid to leave him because he's violent, or anything like that? if so, she needs to get educated on how to leave such a relationship (there are domestic violence helplines available)

However, assuming that she's not just staying in her marriage out of fear for her own safety (like if her husband was violent), then she's being either selfish or wishy washy or cowardly. And by so doing, she's treating both her husband and you very badly. Is this the kind of woman you want to be with (selfish, or wishy washy, or cowardly)?? I mean, really look at what's going on here...

She's been stringing you along for 3 years, and on top of that now she has a baby. If the baby is yours as you think it is, then what she's doing is simply awful cos obviously she's not treating you as the legitimate father if she's claiming it's her husband's, this is highly disrespectful to you. And obviously she's lying to her husband not just about being faithful to him but that the baby is his!! This is despicable, dont' you think?

If on the other hand the baby is in fact her husband's, then she basically betrayed YOU since she had already been saying for the last 3 years that she loves you and was promising to divorce her husband to be with you, only to then get pregnant by him and now have his child. How could YOU live with that? If that's the case, she's betraying not just her husband but you as well. Is this really the kind of woman you want to be with?? Are you compromising your self respect or dignity in order to continue a relationship with her?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (1 March 2011):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf she loved you, and had your child, she would be shouting it to the world. If she really loved you nothing would hold her back .... when one loves one will sacrifice for the object of that love

I think your family are correct about this woman.

If you really want to convince her to leave her husband for you, you have to OFFER HER A BETTER DEAL THAN SHE HAS NOW .... simple! you will need to be a husband that will turn a blind eye when she goes and has sex with other men, you will need to offer her more opportunities to cheat and lie, you will need to be more willing to assist her to break vows made either before God or before a legal court of law.

If you are unwilling or unable to provide or offer any of the above why would she leave her husband to be with you? You havent managed to give her a good reason to do so in the past three years so what makes you think you can change her mind now?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

This is a tricky one, Id like to say forget her move on if she hasn't left now she never will, I know this cause I did the same thing, it was the hardest decision I ever had to make but I stayed with my husband and ended the relationship with the other person, not for me cause I loved him dearly but for him, so he had a chance to move on with his life. All I can suggest is to dicontinue contact with her for a period make her miss you, miss everything about you, no calling, no texting no contact no matter how hard. If she truly wants to be with you this will budge her along but you have to be committed to it. You must be sick and tired of the situation never having her completely in your life or completely yours, its time to step up and make her make a choice. Hope this helps and best of luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011):

You need to leave her with the decision; it is her life she needs to be able to make her own choices. I am sorry to say this but if I were her I would probably do the same thing. The father of that baby needs to be able to spend time with that baby and yes you should be able to spend time with her/him but not keep thinking that it should be yours. You said that you thought that your girlfriend should forget about her husband but she shouldn’t she needs to plan out the days that the child will be spending with its real father. Hope things turn out fine.

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