A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy 5yrs ago and we became almost best friends for about 6mths. We went out one night with mutual friends, got very drunk after everyone else left and kissed. This happened one or two more times. Shortly after this I went abroad for a couple weeks. When I came back he tried to see me and arrived to pick me up with two dozen red roses. I did not think anything more of the matter as I was going to go travelling for a while and I did not think it was anything more than a drunken kiss. Plus he was always a guy who was never short of women, I did not think he was into me in that way.Over the period of the 5yrs or so, with me coming back and forth in the country we would meet infrequently for catch up drinks. Eventually, he confessed to me that he had been in love with me and the extent to how much his heart was broken when I did not reciprocate and how every time he saw me his heart felt broken again. Finally, it came to the point where while abroad I met someone else and in the mean time he did too. We then had not spoken to each other for 2yrs.Fast forward 5yrs on, we got back in touch over a work proposition. When he saw me he had still been with the same girl he had been for 2yrs. He then told me that the only reason he didnt speak to me for 2yrs was because he was trying to be happy with her but that she had just always been a replacement for me and that he never stopped loving me over 5yrs. He said that he could not risk seeing me or speaking to me because he knew that he would not want to be with anyone else but me. And that I have always been "the girl". Two days after seeing me he then broke up with her. He said he thought it was wrong being with her when his heart belongs to someone else. And also because I was single again and he said he could not risk losing me again or not trying to be with me.So eventually we started dating each other (slowly). I did not want to rush into things and I am old fashioned. He had to pursue me and really work for it.Generally we are quite happy. We have officially been together for 2mths now (though he was "courting" me for about 3mths before. I did not sleep with him either till after 3mths) And he is virtually the closest I have been to my ideal guy. However, there are a few things that really bother me and conflict my own morals - things that are a big deal to me.Firstly, our views on sex are very different. I have only been with 3 ppl. He slept with nearly 100 women within that 5yr period. Something he even partly blames me for saying that he was a mess after me and he became a monster. TO him sex is not a big deal-and to me sex is something sacred and special. Though he says this is the best sex he has ever had and how much he loves me, the sex feels at times, desensitized as there were so many many before me. Secondly, I believe some of his behaviour was disrespectful to women.And this conflicts me too.Thirdly, he cheated on his gf one time. Not just that, but he says he was not sorry nor felt any remorse for doing it. He says that cheating is not always wrong and it depends on the circumstances. This infuriates me as I believe any cheating is wrong. He said this would never happen with me as he has loved me for so long. Even when I meet his family and friends etc they would always say - Wow it is finally nice to meet you after all these years of him always talkin abut you. But still, once a cheat always a cheat. And I detest how he defends his cheating and even this cheating happened not long before he met me again!Lastly, he uses drugs from time to time. And enjoys drinking regularly. WHile I am against drugs and do not want to be too much alcohol. He said he will less down on these things (which he has been) but at the same time I think it is wrong to be with someone and make them change to mould you.So I feel conflicted with these things that are major things for me. Furthermore, he has said that he loves my views but he has also said if we had kids he would bring them up being open / honest. So he would tell them it is ok to be sexually liberated and tell his son to have "fun" until he is ready to settle down or that it is ok to sleep around. (To others maybe it is, but for my personal life I do not want to encourage this behaviour). He also said that he does not want his kids think that drugs are bad. That some of the greatest music, art etc was born out of drugs. And that he would teach them that it is ok to dabble in drugs but to do it responsibly. And still, I am conflicted by what I feel was in his past his lack of respect for women and sex. And of course, the cheating incident was big.Apart from that, we have about 90% things in common - views, interests, passions, family, dreams etc etc. He is as closest I have gotton to dating someone with common ground to me. BUt these other things are a big deal for me. We have talked about it endlessly but I just do not know what to do anymore.I can not compromise my morals but at the same time everything else is great. I can not force him to change his views as that is wrong. I just do not know if it is worth staying or just walking away. He treats me like a goddess and is a perfect gentleman.Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): Wait, aren't people who take issue with their partner's promiscuous sexual values just jealous and insecure?
Why is the feedback so much less respectful and understanding when a man makes the complaint about a promiscuous woman?
A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Genuinely, the issues you say you have with him are BIG, deal-breaking ones. You can't stand them, but rightfully acknowledge that you shouldn't change him either - which, to me, means only one outcome.Are you at a stage in your life where you don't mind dating in a relationship that won't go anywhere, or are you hoping to date people to find out who you could settle down with?
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 I am in agreement with janniepig that you may want to date him for a while to see how the two of you mend. I also agree that part of his infatuation with you is that you have not thrown yourself at him, you are more challenging and more valuable then the other women. (I don't believe it's fair that he feels entitled to someone who is so rich with value, but you have to lower the bar for him). He probably didn't feel guilty about cheating, because his exes haven't respected themselves and so he hadn't respected them either.
If you want to pursue him and feel that your differences aren't a deal breaker yet, then do so. But do not allow him to guilt you into dating him by displaying such dramatic "you are the only girl" flair. If he wants to meet someone else like you, he needs to recalibrate his ethical compass and be better and earn better.
And I must say, it sounded ok until you mentioned he would be teaching yor children to be like him. If you can't agree on how the raise you future generation, this may be a dead end. You may find yourselves bickering and resenting each other in parenthood. And guess what ? .. Even a divorce can't settle a difference in parenting styles. They will go to his place for the weekend and come back saying and doing things you don't believe are right and you will have no control over that.
Iornits possible that if you continue dating him, and will begin to understand you and in that understanding, will naturally change his mind. But you can't rely on someone changing. And you are smart to acknowledge that you can't change people.
Just food for thought
Best of luck to you.
~SY
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Drugs, alcohol, cheating? He deserves nothing.
End of story.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 January 2015):
 It's hard for me to understand how in your first paragraphs you talked about how much you are different and then in summary you have 90% of things in common. The things you talked about are alarming differences and yet you just dismissed those as "apart from that."
I am afraid he is in love with what he can't have and once he has you, meaning had sex with you and once you demand things other women would such as commitment to family, being sober, spending time with kids, your status as a goddess would fall to a common, demanding woman. Then he would be tempted to look for a replacement that could give him the desire and passion to chase again. What makes you so alluring now is the curiosity of what you are like in bed, and the challenge of how to make you trust him. You on the other hand likes the feeling of the only demure woman he has to win over, instead of the 100 others who had no standards and just threw themselves at him.
I can't tell you what to do but if I were you I would enjoy this man for what he is, and not think long term yet. I feel no security with this man whatsoever. You can date him and see what he is about but so far a lot of it has been talk. See how he treats you over time, before and after sex, and after the relationship has been solid and comfortable.
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