A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I moved with my family into a house next door to a guy around April. We started talking late May. We got along great and were hanging out heaps. We were staying at each others places watching movies or having drinks. We did give each other hugs and back tickles but never kissed. Well, Until we had a bit too much to drink on my 21st. We didn't kiss again and just made jokes of it for weeks.Then one night we were talking and admitted to liking each other. He told me that he doesn't commit easily and that it scares him. I agreed that I didn't want to jump into a relationship either because I broke up with my ex of 4 years last November and he broke up with his ex of 2 years earlier this year.We ended up sleeping together that same night and agreed that we would classify ourselves as seeing each other and no one else. For the next month it was all good. His parents like me, his friends gave the approval but then one night we ate hash cookies with his dad and a couple of hours later I completely flipped out.I said, "I don't know how my addict brother can function on this stuff" and then my neighbour was acting weird. I said, "How often do you use this stuff?" (I thought he only smoked it every once in awhile) and then he said, "what?" I asked, "Are you addicted to this sh*t??" and he just kept saying what.Then that's when anxiety started kicking in. I accused him of lying to me and being like all the other idiots before him. I accused him of using me to get over his ex. He rolled over onto his stomach and wouldn't look at me. I could feel myself panicking and feeling desperate so I grabbed my stuff and ran home. I had a very bad psychosis episode. The cookies were from one of his friends and I doubt that it was just dope.I didn't hear from him until Friday (I had the bad trip on Wednesday). He text me something like 'Hey darling. We can't just not talk to each other. Whatever you said you're wrong. It blew me out by a mile. But I don't want to not see you. I miss you like crazy already xoxox' I wrote back a long message saying that it hurt me that he didn't check to see if I was ok because I told him that night something bad was happening to me. I told him he has a problem with drugs and alcohol and that I know he doesn't really have feelings for me.' A few more messages were exchanged until I ended it and said that I want to part ways.I saw him at the nightclub I work at and bumped into him on my break. He was saying to me that he didn't use me, that he thought things were going great between us, how beautiful he thinks I am, how beautiful of a person I am and that he likes that i'm so honest. He looked like he was about to cry. He said that we both said we didn't want a relationship and I said that he's right. I didn't want a relationship to start off with but I couldn't help the way I feel about him. He said he doesn't want things to be awkward so I said, "Look, i'm going to be civil. I'm not going to make it awkward. You don't want to be with me. What happened, happened and it's in the past where it's going to stay. It's finished." We hugged and we haven't seen or spoken to each other since Saturday night. It's Monday today.My mum doesn't want me to end up with him because she believes that he's going down a bad road. Which I can see. He does drink too much in my opinion (2+ beers a night). I think I blew the weed issue out of proportion though. He wasn't smoking it often until his friend cam back into the picture. Before that he and I had it about 2 or 3 times. After Wednesday night though I am not touching any type of drug.I don't know what to think. He is such a lovely guy that would be faithful, respectful, caring. But then there's everyone elses opinions. My mum says no and to look at the bigger picture like what my future would be like with him, my friend says no, another few friends say do what you think is right.He's not a bad person and although mum thinks that he's going to end up going no where, I can see the potential he has. He's so great. We get along great. We both have little patience (i'm better at controlling mine) but we relax each other.But then there's the other issues... Drinking, smoking dope, how mum now feels about him. She says I won't be able to change him. But sometimes a good woman can help bring out the best in a guy. He already is great anyway. He's polite, looks out for his friends, never gets in physical fights, protects friends girlfriends from getting hurt if a fight breaks out in a nightclub.I have very strong feelings for him and I don't know whether to do what my heart wants, or put it all behind me.And sorry for the very long explanation.. I wanted to give any reader the best insight of the situation that I can.Thank you so much to any one who offers advice. 3
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 When people use the phrase "he has great potential" to describe a person, they are projecting onto that individual their own hopes and dreams. You may think he could be a certain way, but I have a deep insight into men that you need to hear. (Sorry guys.)
Here it is.
He is exactly where he wants to be because he has put himself there. He is with the people he wants to be with. He is ingesting the foods and beverages and mind-altering substances he wants. He is the captain of his own ship.
Sadly, many women believe that their unflinching love will change things and that this man just needs a bit of tweaking and loving and nudges or outright shoves into the right place.
If you do not fully accept this man, just exactly the way he is right now, right at this moment, then you are off in that insidious female la-la land. " sometimes a good woman can help bring out the best in a guy."
If you fail, then, by your own words, you aren't a good enough woman, then his lack of personal growth becomes your fault.
Stop it. Stop it now.
Rip off the "if only…." rose-colored glasses you are wearing and look at him as he IS. Not as he might be.
I'd take all those strong feelings you have and rejoice that you have a loving heart with an optimistic streak and then… back off him, spend time with friends and keep on looking.
If he comes around in a few months or years time, great. If not, well, he's only living up to the potential that HE sees in himself.
I'm with your mom on this one.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 August 2013):
 you cannot and should not love a man's potential.
if you do not love him WHERE he is in life and want to change him, then you are falling for POTENTIAL that may or may not happen.
IN addition a young man who drinks and smokes can handle it better than an older addict and addicts are addicts.
My husband is an alcoholic and at 40 he's feeling it way more than he did at 20...
I know you want to see the good in folks but in this case I think mom is right...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2013):
 You found yourself a "fixer-upper" or a "time-sink" BF. Don't date a guy because you think he can be "perfect" if you can "just" change a few things about him. It's not going to work. The ONLY way anyone make changes in their lives is because THEY want to change those things. He is quite happy with his life/himself.
You mom is right.
I know it's not what you want to hear.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 August 2013):
 After sifting through your submittal a couple of times, I finally saw the importance of THIS phrase: "... I can see the potential he has."
OP: Potential is like fog. Sometimes it's there; sometimes it's not.... but, you can't do much with it. You can't buy groceries or gasoline with "potential." You can't write a symphony or the next great novel with "potential".... Heck, you can't even have SEX with "potential"!!!!!!
So... stop validating this guys failure to live up to his "potential".. and reconcile to yourself that - if you want a better life FOR YOURSELF, this guy won't be a part of it.....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Your Mum is looking out for you and fears for you and her concerns so far are justified.
You "hope" you can change him. I disagree, only he can change himself and even then he has to want too.
If he's such a great guy why would you want to change him?
Lets look at the evidence. He's young yet he already drinks heavily for someone his age. He's very easily influenced by his friends to experiment with drugs. He knew you were in a bad place but didn't care enough (or wasn't able) to look after you.
You also use phrases like "his parents liked me and his friends gave their approval" Why should you need his friends approval? Doesn't he know how great you are? Don't you?
I think you're worth a lot more than this.
AB x
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 August 2013):
 Can you, "put it all behind you"? Perhaps some distance would help you put it all in perspective.
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