A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so tonight my girlfriend went and hung out with one of her girl friends and said they were gonna go for happy hour and get a drink and some food. So I said don't drink too much please and she said she wouldn't but her friend messages me and said they got kicked out of the bar that they went to after they ate but I guess she really drank and got wasted and her. So her friend had me come over and help take care of her. I guess she might have kissed a guy so I'm really irritated about that and am curious how I should handle it. I'm also irritated cause I asked he not to drink much and she said she wouldn't but did anyways and put her self in that situation. Thanks for your help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Your GF wrote here about her problem, she was advised that she has an alcohol problem and should seek help. I suggest you get her to go to a rehab or this relationship is doomed. You cannot babysit or control her actions but also no need to put up with someone that is prepared to risk her relationship.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Jealously about will she cheats is a problem she can cheat sober or not. I go out drink sometimes over drink thank God I made it home on a wing and a prayer. Been to rehab all that I am fully aware of my limitations with bar hoping safe sex and boyfriends and not cheating and its up to you to have trust and also be concern about her drinking kissing and cheating find a not so loose women just kidding. That's why Im single now I don't want to be worried does someone.thinks Im a lush or a loose women I dont have time for that. I enjoy every bit of my sleeping alone and stress is to the limit if any Im a adult and took care of one I am not a Jeff also inside joke really. I look back now and wonder when dealing with a person and whatever the issue why did I stay with them to help them or to shame them its also called enabling. If you feeling some type of way like I did study codependency. It helped me alot.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I knew that you asked her. You're going to lose her if you keep this crap up. Seriously, getting her friend to spy on her for you?
You're going to lose her if you don't check yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't interrogating her friend. She called me and said that my gf was wasted and stuff and asked if I could come and take care of her so I came right over. Her friend is very opened. I did ask once if anything like that happened but didn't ask again and she just told me cause we were just talking about my gf and stuff.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
Buddy, you're walking the tightrope between jealousy and controlling. It's a thin line. You said she doesn't drink much. You'll drive her away if you try to control her. You don't want her to drink like other guys don't want their women dressing sexy in public. The time you mentioned seeing her warming up to some guy while she was drunk could have been your jealousy flaring up as well. Many guys go crazy if their girlfriends so much as smile in another man's direction.
And her friend saying to you that she "thought" she saw her kissing someone else?? How did that conversation come up? Most friends won't run home and say "Listen, your girlfriend was all over some guy". I can imagine it was more like you were grilling her about your GF's behavior. If there isn't a "100% sure", then it didn't happen, and you can't punish your girlfriend over it.
You're going to lose her if you can't handle her going out with the girls once in a great while. How many guys go out for an occasional night with the guys where the whiskey flows? Your girlfriend also went out dancing, and I can tell you that kissing a guy is different than BEING kissed by one. Some guy could have leaned in, kissed her before she realized what happened and she stopped it - it's happened.
Stop interrogating her friends about her behavior. They aren't your spies to check on her behavior. That is controlling and smothering. You either trust her, or you don't. Those trust issues are YOUR issues, and YOUR baggage.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Just read your update. So it's not that she has a tendency of belligerency. it's that you get jealous of her behavior. Being all over another guy is rather shitty. But if she's never cheated on you, you need to back off a bit. Sue has every right to drink with her friends and chat up who ever she wants. She's coming home to you at the end of the night. And if she doesn't - THEN you have something to worry about. Chill out. relax. First your gf. No body likes being watched like a hawk. Give her some space to have fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer friend thought she seen her but she said she wasn't 100% sure.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 December 2013):
How do you know she kissed another guy? Is that just speculation? Or fact?
In general, I'd typically say she's a grown woman who can drink as much as she pleases. However, I get the feeling you aren't controlling - rather, you've just dealt with this kind of behavior much too often. Is that safe to assume?
You've probably had to deal with her over-drinking and belligerency one too many times. I don't know how old she is, but her behavior is not cute and I find it extremely childish and immature. I couldn't deal with a person who didn't know how to not drink past their limit and who couldn't compose and conduct themselves like adults.
I feel pretty confident that you're just fed up with her behavior and you're at your wits end. Rightfully so. How old is your gf?
If I were you, I'd wait until I calmed down 100% and then sit her down and tell her that you've had enough. that you're looking for a mature relationship with a mature adult. Not one who goes out and gets hammered and gets kicked out of bars. And especially not one who is supposed to be able to drive herself home but drinks too much anyway. If you have to drive home, you CAN'T drink like that. Too many people get killed that way. But to continue, I would tell her that either the drinking needs to be brought to moderation or you can no longer remain in the relationship. and you're willing to give her one more shot, but if she proves she can't find her limit responsibly, then you will leave.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBtw she's doesn't drink that often.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
I thought so.
Let's make this clear - this isn't about an alcoholic or drinking problem. It's a jealousy problem. You worry because if she drinks while not in your presence, she's going to cheat?
You've gotta trust her, buddy. She didn't kiss anyone while she was out with her friend. She doesn't get out much, and I'm guessing when she did, she overdid it and it got away from her.
It's not wrong to go out dancing and drinking. You can't become all worrywart because you can't watch her and every guy around her like a dog showing his teeth at every rival that gets too close to his bone.
She also has a 2-year old! Having one rare night out of fun is OKAY! Toddlers are lots of work - she was blowing off steam and had her friend with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): You have a girlfriend who insists on drinking and can't handle it. You can't trust her to go out on her own; because she'll drink and can't behave herself. She got kicked out of a bar.
Get off the denial. She still has a drinking problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer friend said they were dancing and when she turned around it kinda looked like they were kissing but I can't prove anything. They were at a gay bar if that helps any. She said she didn't kiss anyone when I asked about it but she also doesn't remember getting kicked out of the bar so I'm unsure what to think. I told her if she did kiss a guy I would be disappointed. She has drank before with me but doesn't get out much with her friends cause she has a 2 year old girl. I want her to get out and have fun but when I think there might be drinking involved I worrie cause she doesn't handle it well. About a month or so after we met I took her camping and she drank one night while I watch her kid and after I put her kid to sleep I wanted to hangout with her but when I sat down next to her she moved and sat by another guy cause she wanted a smoke from him which she doesn't even smoke. Well anyways she started getting close to him and kinda was being touchy feeling then he ended up moving away from her so that wouldn't happen then she ended up moving by him again so that's when I said something and took her to bed. So that's why I don't like her drinking when I'm not around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): The fact that you warned your girlfriend not to drink too much before going out; is a clear indication she has a drinking problem.Telling her what to do isn't your responsibility. She is an adult responsible for her own behavior. So shift that responsibility onto her.Public drunkenness is going to ruin her reputation. She is vulnerable to rape and robbery. She could also lose her job; if she is arrested, or misses work due to excessive absenteeism. That is typical of people who drink too much.To be so obnoxious that she is thrown out of a bar, isn't reaching too far to say she is becoming an alcoholic. She has an illness, and until she gets treatment; she will get worse. She may hit rock bottom. No amount of your control will prevent it. It's a choice she has to make to seek treatment for it.Alcoholism starts out in denial and as excessive drinking.People in denial about drug addiction and alcohol abuse are the last people on earth to see the pain they cause, and the damage they do to themselves. They tell themselves they can handle it and stop anytime they want. They can't.As much as you love her, you will have to offer the ultimatum that she seek alcohol rehabilitation or you must leave. Love is misplaced when you sit around in misery; or the bulk of the relationship is spent fighting. Drug addiction and alcohol abuse doesn't go away. It has to be treated. It's not a headache or tummy ache. It is an uncontrolled abuse of a drug.People who abuse substances destroy their lives, and break the hearts of the people who love them. They love their buzz more than they love you.She has a serious emotional problem that is eating at her.She may be under a lot of pressures, that may include dealing with you. If you feel it is your place to chide her like a child, you are definitely one of her problems. You're concerned over her kissing some guy? What about the condition you found her in? What demons could she be dealing with? That's what you should be concerned about.She is self-medicating with alcohol. She has to seek rehabilitation before she kills herself with alcohol poisoning or causes permanent liver damage. This isn't just a little over-indulgence. This is a real problem.If she refuses to seek help. Get out of the relationship. If she seeks help, go with her. You both need the counseling.Drinking is one thing; always getting drunk leads to alcoholism.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
You didn't put all of the information in your initial posts, so I have some questions:
1. WHY did you ask her to limit her drinking? You didn't mention a pattern of overdrinking, so it's either you see that she goes out of control because of frequent overdrinking, or are you worried that when she drinks a lot, she flirts with other guys? The answer to that changes the advice.
2. Why did she ask you to go over there and take care of her? Usually, a bad hangover lightens up with rest. Do you live together?
3. What makes you say she "might" have kissed a guy? Jealous suspicions do not equal a hardline fact. So is there tangible evidence that she did?
4. Has she cheated on you in the past? Has her drinking caused a betrayal of trust before?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 December 2013):
It's her job as an adult to know how much she should or shouldn't drink. If you've ever drank alcohol you know how easy it can be to have too many, so don't be surprised that she didn't listen to you.
What a lot of women don't realize, is that being wasted and away from a trusted boyfriend puts them at risk to be taken advantage of. Drunk guys often have one thing on their mind and drunk women are often unable to say no (or so drunk that their decision making process is compromised).
You shouldn't tell your girlfriend how to behave, you should tell her what kind of behavior you won't tolerate and let her make the choice. If she chooses getting wasted, it's time to make a decision about your compatibility.
FYI, I had a girlfriend who I was very in love with, and who loved me as well. But when she got very drunk, like many people, she lost her inhibitions. This led to her cheating on me (my friends saw her leaving a bar with a guy, she claims it was her friends husband who was ahead of them). Eventually we broke up because of this.
The moral of the story is that if she doesn't do the right thing (in your eyes) then you probably need to break up with her to save yourself the heartache of what will probably come.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I am assuming she's a grown woman? Not a child?
She's probably old enough to decide if she wants to drink herself into oblivion or not and she's old enough to accept responsibility for kissing another guy whilst drunk.
No pont being irritated that she drank when you said not to...it's not your call, you arn't her parent and if she chose to go against your wishes, she has the right to do so.
She has been stupid and done a stupid thing and it's now up to her to do the explaining and put things right, so just sit back and see what she has to say.
If you dont like what she has to say and think it's not sincere or fixable then you can always walk away...other than that, there is forgiveness, but only if you draw a line, and dont use what she did as a weapon to whack her with anytime she does something else that annoys you.
Seems you have choices, so which way will you go?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2013):
 It sounds like either your gf has an alcohol issue or is developing one... if she can't say no once she starts drinking she needs to not drink.
Sadly YOU cannot mandate when she drinks or how much. IF you do not like her behavior, then the only thing to do is walk away from an alcoholic. I'm married to an active alcoholic and it's hard. It's not a life I would recommend to anyone.
YOu say "I guess he might have kissed a guy" well that came out of the blue... so does she go out and get drunk and kiss guys often? or are you guessing? What makes you think she kissed a guy? has she done it before?
since she ALWAYS puts her self in that situation, you need to define ALWAYS... daily? weekly? monthly.... and is it that she goes out and gets drunk with her girlfriends and then smooches strange men? NOT acceptable... make her an ex gf... no need to love the POTENTIAL of the young lady... if she's not being what you want now.. it won't change if you stay with her.
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