A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can you tell if you're seeing red flags, or you're just blowing things out of proportion because you're scared... and you've doubted yourself from the very start of your relationship?I've been insecure in my relationship (of approx 2 years and very nearly moving in together) since the beginning. When we were dating, he was very open with me about his past. I found out he was pretty close with his exes, but it made sense even though it was a little bit uncomfortable. His first relationship lasted around 10 years, and he had proposed to her about 3/4 years before they broke up. I'm not sure they ever got married. I can understand not wanting to part ways with someone you know so, so well and who knows you. They found each other when they both immigrated to the UK and neither of them spoke English. They kinda grew up together and learned together. I understood it and was determined to accept their friendship despite my discomfort (they texted regularly, sometimes daily, and sometimes first thing in the morning and in the evening).His second ex and relationship with said ex was short lived, but they had known each other from work vaguely for a few years prior to dating. I think they dated for under 6 months. He told me that he had planned on proposing to her in desperation to keep them together after they started having difficulties, and even shopped for a ring, but things between them ended anyway. I'm not sure why they are still friends, and I wish they weren't as apparently they ended things only a few months before he and I started dating, but what can I do? I'm not the sort of person to give ultimatums, and the last thing I wanted to do was be unhappy about an innocent friendship.I was happily single before we met, and really only casually dated every now and then because I felt like maybe I should and that it might be enjoyable. I had dated several times before he and I started seeing each other, and none had been successful or engaging, fulfilling or fun. Our first date was all of these things and more, and I couldn't believe it, but I became the cliché and fell in love in only a matter of hours. I made the first move, and towards the end of our date after a good laugh, sitting together outside on the grass, I wrapped my arms around his knee in a tender little squeeze of a hug. I really wanted to show him affection and this was the least serious way (I was worried about making him uncomfortable) I could think of doing it. He reciprocated shyly and we had a bit longer on our date before we walked back to his car and...wow. Ahem. Back on topic. I felt privileged that he trusted me and was telling me these intimate stories, and being so open with me. I feel bad about it making me feel insecure, but it really did. Every time he made grand-ish gestures (midnight picnics by the river, and climbing up a ladder to my window mid work week, things like that) I asked myself... is he just desperate to keep me? Is he still not recovered from his first two relationships and is he just rushing and clambering? I regretted moving so fast with him in the beginning because I feel like it made it more difficult to judge his character on a slightly more platonic, friendly level.**Fuuuuudge Jebus this is long I am so sorry.**I wanted to trust him and accept everything good that was coming my way, but things kept cropping up that stopped the good feelings and made me insecure:1. As mentioned above, I discovered he regularly still communicated with both exes, and in ways I wouldn't do if I had any of my own and was in a new relationship.2. He could sometimes be sarcastic. It was actually okay for a while, and I thought I just needed time to adjust to someone who was more sarcastic than I was, but he started being sarcastic when we had conflicting views, or even just friendly debates, and rolling his eyes which really hurt my feelings and made me feel stupid.3. Also during these arguments, he would twist the things I had said into extremes (basically not what I said or meant at all), for example (and only an example) me: 'I don't really believe that the death penalty should be a thing. I believe in defensive killing, but not in the killing of a human in captivity', him: 'Oh, so you think terrible people who have committed dreadful crimes and hurt thousands should not face consequences, huh?'. I think you see what I mean.4. He lied, once, about his ex coming over to pick up an ipad. I totally believe that that was all that she was doing, but the fact that he lied to me about it was just so hurtful and trust destroying. It made me weird about him doing anything with his exes without me knowing, and he built a resentment and frustration over time to my distrust.5. I felt a little love-bombed and it made me wary. I have 5 older sisters, and unfortunately a few of them have been in abusive relationships. I know a little about what people can do to reel you in. He would do pretty intense things, like sending me quite large parcels of gifts somewhat regularly, and he would travel over a hour to my home, sometimes at ridiculous hours and at inconvenience to him - or so I thought before I found out he's one of those lucky few humans who can sleep only 5 hours a night. 6. He would sometimes disregard my wishes and my autonomy, and do things for me anyway. For example, we were walking through some local woods and there was a steep slope that I was a little uncertain about. He held my hand to help me down, but I realised it was actually making things worse and I told him 'no, actually you need to let go I need to do it on my own'. He wouldn't let go even after I expressed it several times that it was making me more unsteady, and I even got a little angry. Afterwards I said I was put out with him and I felt like he acted a bit arrogantly. He really didn't like that and the day went poorly from that point on. 7. He bought me an iPad Pro pretty early in our relationship (I strongly considered not accepting it, as I felt like it might be too soon for a gift like that), and put me on his car insurance too. I worried he was raking up good deeds somehow. I tried many times to tell him I didn't need or want these extremes, I just wanted plain, simple love and care. He told me that this was him and how he showed love... but I wasn't getting what *I* needed and wanted, such as kisses when he came back home from work. Hugs when I was feeling down. Simpler things.8. I found in his bed side drawers a sort of album book full of notes, poems and love letters between him and his first 10 year ex. I get having keepsakes, but all of this... and right next to his bed. I told him what I had found, and asked him how he felt about them. He told me he didn't even remember they were there and that he hadn't thought much about them. I said that they made me uncomfortable, and that if he wanted to keep them I'd prefer if he put them away, somewhere else, like in the attic with the rest of his stored things and paperwork. In short, he told me he wasn't going to be manipulated or controlled.9. We had a 3 month break last year because of difficulties, and he sent me a letter late in month 3 syaing that he really wanted another chance, and that if I liked he had a place in mind in Scotland we could go and just have a nice time together, with no outside stresses or distractions, and just try to sort things out. I found out months later that this 'place' in Scotland was his second ex's parents' bnb. What was worse, was her mother still wanted the two of them to work things out.A lot of what I've listed is from our later relationship after we'd had some major downs, and to be fair, I haven't said much about my own actions. One of mine was that I was very insecure about his friendship dynamic with his exes, and as much as I tried to overcome it, it would surface frequently and it would stress him out, and cause a lot of frustration. We tried multiple methods of helping me deal with it (in my opinion he didn't try as much as he could've, and would often be defensive instead of open and reassuring). After he lied about his ex coming over, I was very, very distrusting. I said I needed transparency. He didn't help. We were sitting watching TV once (actually it happened multiple times) and he did a pretty rubbish job at hiding who he was texting. We started arguing about it of course. I'm not sure how it happened, I think he might have even offered, but as I was sitting in front of him I was given access to his phone and all his messages to his exes. I thought to myself, this is a great sign! He has nothing to hide and I'm going to find real, solid proof that he's a good guy. To my great, great disappointment I didn't like what I found. There wasn't anything flirty, or untoward, but there was... just so much. Every day. Pictures. Messages. Pictures he's shared with me were also shared with them. Even though they were innocent pictures it felt so wrong. Like a weird cousin form of cheating.He is not a bad guy. He's a good man. He was always there for me... but he's also always there for others so nothing unique to me. He's very charitable and gives blood and grows and donates his hair. He helps people whenever they need it. But it's all physical labour. It feels like he's emotionally guarded... I often wonder if his past did a number on him and he's suffering, and struggling to let go.There's a lot I haven't mentioned but this is already an embarrassing behemoth of a post. I don't expect or want any agony aunts to write huge responses, but I would love some advice and/or insight.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2021): Your comment that he was shy is what struck me, not so shy to then "wow" you in the car, inching it's his act and his way to draw women in and make them feel unique and special to him.
Way too many red flags, they have been covered by you and the cupids, I think you have the master of manipulators on your hands...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2021): I write the longest responses here on DC. I see no need to in this particular case.
I suggest that you read your own post aloud. Just read it from the beginning to the end. It seems you're building a case against your boyfriend. You see so many faults that I'm not sure what you've come here for. If we suggest that you leave him, you've already given the built-in disclaimer of how great he is. That usually means we shouldn't suggest that, because you won't. Yet, you've given 9 specific complaints, and claiming more that were not mentioned; but I think your discomfort with those exes top the list.
I can wrap it up in fewer words than usual. He's too chummy with his exes, and apparently you've told him how you feel about it. He doesn't seem to care how you feel about it. You have other problems with him, and you even took a time-out in your relationship. That's usually a bad-sign. Your frustration is that you can't control or change him. If things that bother either of you cannot be worked-out through compromise or negotiations, that's a sign of incompatibility.
The summation of your post is a case of indecisiveness. You want to end his connections with his exes; but you've indicated there are even more problems than mentioned.
I will offer my own personal solution to this problem. I have no tolerance for intrusive or imposing exes; who are texting or messaging my mate all the time. At the very beginning of getting to know each-other, I'll decide if exes are too much of an influence into our business. If they tend to compete for time and access; I'll simply end it, based on my own rules and principles. I will not let the connection we've made progress to anything serious; while harboring issues or misgivings.
I/you have no right to tell people who they can be friends with; but I/you can certainly decide with whom I want to be committed. I will not create drama trying to remake or rescue other adults; or try to tell them what to do, or decide whom they have a right to be friends with. I'll decide whether I want to be with them, and what conditions I find acceptable. I prefer not to be with anyone spending as much time with exes as they spend with me. It will never go so far as forming an exclusive-commitment. I don't allow people to provoke jealousy in me; when the simple option is to cut loose, and go my own way. I don't care how much I like someone, I will not suffer for it. I refuse to be a martyr for love. When I can keep searching until I've found exactly what I want and need.
Read your own post back to yourself. Reading aloud has more of an impact. Go sit down in a quiet place, and make a list of pros and cons.
You can then decide if you have enough pros to stay; or a more cons that suggest you should leave. You're the one who has to end your indecisiveness, when you've added the disclaimer, basically telling us: "in spite of all this, but I love him." This is not a quote, but an interpretation. Whether verbalized or implied, you're not leaving him; and he's not dumping his exes. The ball is in your court, my dear.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 November 2021):
 OP, I will try and answer all the points you brought up, one by one. It might be long, I also apologize in advance.
1. The "friends with exes". Some people hold on to exes to have back-ups. Some don't want THEM to move on, some actually believe that they NEED them in their lives, or he likes having them around to keep a new partner (in this case you) on your toes knowing you have some "competition" - wonder why GF #2 didn't work out longer than 6 months? My guess, she didn't want 3 people in the relationship, him, her, and that ex.(exes with kids is a whole other ball-game I won't get into). The thing is YOU are not really OK with him having this much contact with his exes. And that is OK, You don't HAVE to. If he has never introduced you to these exes in person, they aren't really what I'd call a friend. Because WHO doesn't introduce their friends to their partner? Yes? Which means you don't agree on this. There is no right and wrong here, just whether this is right for YOU and right for HIM.
2. He is sarcastic. Ok, so what? Many people are. I can be sarcastic too. Though I try to only really do that around people who know me well enough to catch it. Sarcasm can easily be mistaken for being mean, if not done right. He might BE mean and call it sarcasm or, you might not get the subtleties of his personality. Either way, it shows a bit of a miss-match again. You don't have a hive mind. You are both individual and THAT is OK.
3. During arguments he twists what you say. Have you ever listened to a politician? Or someone who REALLY likes to debate? That is how many people think they can "win" an argument. Basically, he blindfolds you and spins you around, and tells you to walk straight. You two "argue" or disagree in different ways too. He doesn't fight fair. He isn't listening to you, he just wants to "best" you in a disagreement. As in, HE thinks HE is always right. RED flag.
4. He lied about the ex. You say once, but IF he is a good liar, he might lie a LOT more than you know. It's neither here nor there but it IS a red flag. He lied to you hoping he could "get away" with whatever. That is not good. Because when a partner lies, you lose trust in them. With that said, everyone lies. Some lie about little things, some about EVERYTHING, some are white lies, etc. People lie. You have to decide if this is OK or not in a relationship. My question to this is, HOW did he react when you caught him in the lie? Or did you ignore it?
5. "I felt a little love-bombed and it made me wary." But it worked. You are still dating him! So the love-bombing worked. And yes, I'd call that love-bombing. And it IS a red flag. You just chose to ignore it. I also think it was a bit of a distraction from you really getting to know him on a more personal level. You said that he seems emotionally guarded. He is, the love-bombing is "performance" - selling (in lack of a better word) himself as this romantic figure, with grandiose gift-giving, and over-the-top romantic gestures because he can't give you what YOU rather get - a DEEP emotional connection.
6. "He would sometimes disregard my wishes and my autonomy" again, red flag. He believes he knows better than you. When you disagree, you get "punished" with his anger.
7. You do know that if your phone is connected to your Ipad, HE can in turn keep taps on you? (if he has the iPad on occasion)? I think this one is on you. 100%. You DO NOT have to accept every gift you are given. It's OK to say, this is too much and it makes me uncomfortable. Also, if you drive his car, being on the insurance might be a good thing. And it might not. If you don't drive his car, CALL the insurance company and take yourself off. YOU decide. He doesn't. He can offer - which is nice I suppose - but ultimately YOU can choose here.
8. The love poems and letters. Yeah, I get you. He didn't "forget" it was there, he wanted it in a handy place for when he wanted to "relive" the past. However, I agree, it is NOT up to you to tell him where he can keep stuff in HIS house. Frankly? None of your business. Again, if you don't like this, that is OK (I wouldn't either) but you don't HAVE to go through his things nor do you have to date someone who is so invested in his ex still.
9. He took you to his ex's parent's AirBnB for a "rekindling the relationship getaway". Are you serious? I mean he might have been there and liked the place but again, his exes are very much in the front of his mind. Let me guess, you didn't know when you accepted the getaway? Did you find out after? So this is another lie by omission. There are TONNES of AirBnB's out there he could have chosen. To make NEW memories with you, but no. He chose THIS one. Yeah, another red flag. It might have been that he got it cheap, or rented it to help out his ex's parents, or because the place is gorgeous - the ONLY one he didn't think of was YOU.
Overall, I can see why you feel insecure/unhappy with the whole exes thing. For most people, this is just too much involvement with them. You have 4 people in your relationship. Him, you, and his 2 exes. I think you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice dating this guy. He might be a GREAT man overall, that doesn't mean he is a GREAT fit for YOU.
You are trying SO hard to FORCE yourself to "accept" his interactions with his exes. But the reality is that you don't like it, and you don't want to share your partner with his exes. And I think that is pretty darn normal.
You can't, however, "DICTATE" how much contact he can have, and with whom. THIS is who he is. It might be to do with his past, but that is neither here nor there. He isn't going to stop doing that FOR you. If this is not working for you, then END the relationship and FIND someone who is a better FIT for you.
I think you are trying too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole. And it's making you miserable.
THIS is who he is. You want to tweak his behavior to suit you. That is not realistic. And you also try and bend yourself out of shape to accept things (like the relationship he still has with his exes) that you aren't really wanting to accept.
One last thing, it's OK to have deal-breakers. It's ok to have boundaries with a partner.
Also, if you DO end up breaking up, RESET the Ipad to factory setting before giving it back. Just to be safe.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (15 November 2021):
 Personally i think that there are just two many red flags surrounding this relationship.
There are more reasons to end this relationship for good and walk away than there are reasons to stay.
He has lied to you a few times now, and as a consequence of this lying your guard is now up and you have trust issues. I don't think that he is doing enough to instill the trust back into the relationship, infact i think he is making it worse.
You write he proposed to one of his long term partners, then say you are not sure if they ever did get married or not. Surely he should divulge the fact to whether he did or diden't get married, so you you don't actually know if he is divorced or not?.
We all have relationship history, we all have a past, and we all have ex's. I think that unless he has children with any of these women then there is no reason why he should be in contact with any of them, and texting them under your nose. How would he feel if you were constantly in contact with an Ex?. My guess is he would not like it.
You were very happily single before you met him, and i feel you are unhappy in this relationship. I also don't think he is going to change. I think your best option would be to walk away from this relationship and get yourself back the happy feeling place that you remember. Then when your ready go and find someone who is more trustworthy and less complicated.
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