A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, This is not a relationship question, but a 'freindship' question. Please help. I have been working with a woman ( I too am female) for seven years now. We developed a rather co- dependant freindship. Basically, I was going through a very tough relationship and she supported and listened to me. We also worked in the same office room until just over two months ago. However, by definition she is manipulative and devious and has upset alot of people at work over the years. She was only ever up when I was down but I really relied on her emotionally. I had no one else to turn to at times. Anyway, to make it breif, we are now in different offices in the same building as the company has now moved ( the last few months of working with her in the same room were hell, as things were changing and we argued alot - badlly), and I have also been out of the horrid relationship with the boyfreind for the last 4 months. I am happier, my life has got bigger, I gave up smoking ( she is a very heavy smoker) I am losing weight, I look more healthy, and I am more confident.I really want to let this toxic half baked freindship go, and she knows it, so she is doing things like pretending not to get emails from me, and pretending not to get any freindly texts I do send her ( as I am trying to tail it off nicely) and then she wil come to work and go collect my post and be all superfreindly which has made me feel guilty for wanting to cut it off. Her favourite saying is ' well, if you do such and such then so and so will feel guilty' so it's ALL manipulation, and I just cannot seem to get away completley as she plays on my emotions, feeds off me, and to be quite frank she gives me the creeps as she copies what clothes I buy and wear in the last few months, and repeats things that I say back to me and what concerns me the most is that I am now getting really really hateful and angry feelings towards her and dread bumping into her in the corridor, plus she will pop into my office with any excuse looking all upset and needy as I have not paid her ' enough attention'. She has absolutley nothing in her life. No interests, no hobbies, and now has only one other freind that she does not see much ( the rest tailed off a couple of years ago for the same reasons), so her life has consisited of her advising me about my personal life and me telling her about all aspects of my life . I only do that now to keep her happy and keep the peace, as I cannot stand what comes off her when I try to back off. I stupidly became dependant at low point along time ago and am now finding it hard to untangle myself . She makes my skin crawl the way she wonders round the corridors pearing into my room, or hears me go the staff kitcen and accidently finds herself following me in there when she hears my voice in the corridor and says she has come in for a glass glass of water then stands there all expectantly waiting for me to start a coversation. I don't want to anymore. She drags me down to the ground. I think I am probably more angry at myself for letting it get to this point 7 years on, and I can honestly say that I am angry to the point of hating her now. Everything about her irritates me . The whole way she is. She is also sick with jealousy as I have just started a fabulous new weekend job as an assitant events manager at these amazing private members and very fashionable clubs and nightspots in london with an old freind of mine who is doing really well as an event manager and invited me on board that I bumped into a few weeks ago. She didn't even want to hear about it when I mentioned it to her at work, so I did not talk about it, and played ot down. :-( I have tried to move on from her before, but she has a way of pulling me back in.eg: she will buy a little gift, or send nice emails,or do litte unasked for favours at work ( today it's been collectiong my post downstairs for me) so it all starts again as I start feeling bad and start apologising for being ' busy' . I am desperate now. My life has changed in so many ways for the better in the last few months, and I know it may sound to some readers like'Ok, now I am ok I do not need her' but I can guarantee that it's not the case. It's the all round ' hold' she has had over me all this time. I need to really let this go It hurts me everytime she ignores me then changes the next day, or pretends she did not get my email, and I am angry I have alllowed myself to be played, and angry that she makes me nervous in this horrid yucky emotional way. Please help. Should I tell her I no longer want the freindship? ( this will cause bad vibes and will make me nervous at work, and she will creep me out and find ways to get at me) or should I phase it out? bearing in mind that I have tried this before and she becomes over nice, over sensitive or comes up with some sob story or goes very cold and gives me the evil eye ( at least I am not in the same room as her, so am in a much better postion). I don;t want her in my life one minute longer. I no longer want to tell her stuff, and I think she is bad luck for me and I hate that I have these horrible feelings and thoughts about her now - and have had on and off for years. Please advise. I need to remove myself in the least painless way. She will try everything and all tactics once she sees I am drifting. I want my life back. I have a new chance now of a fresh start in all ways. Thanks for the advice
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at work, jealous, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLol 'anon'. Considering I am bullying her in your insightless opinion, its funny how she is still pushing to be my friend.. take care!!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): congratulations it must be great to feel you can deliberately and mercilessly bully this girl.In my opinion you need to take a look at your spiteful life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. me again!! Ok,so here's what's happenning on day two in the big brother house...When I see her in the corridor she stops and waits expectantly for me to talk to her ( I literally run the other way) and when she sees me talking to someone else, she comes over and talks to that person too and tries to join in the conversation ( I then have to head for the nearest door) she looks upset and red faced. I feel a bit sorry for her, as she must be hurt, but I don't feel she is confused. I am staying polite, and professional and will not play into her emotions. I have a feeling she knew it would come to this. It could take a while to even out, but in the meantime I refuse to feel bad. I am doing this for me, but am sorry that she is feeling hurt in the process, but not sorry enough to get back into that horrid tangled mess. Thanks for your help. xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 August 2015):
 Yep, once you set your mind to doing something (even if you are scared to hurt other people's feelings or seem mean) you got to do it - for you.
She does know what's going on, she has gone through this before with other people. She may just not understand that HER behavior is part of the problem. But she does know you are now backing off.
Just keep being polite and professional. No need to kick her in the face (so to speak). She will understand that you are setting new boundaries whether she likes it or not.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 August 2015):
 Sounds as though you are well on the way! Good luck to you! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPPS. She has also now started sending little nice emails about work stuff . She knows she has gone over the top. I am ignoring them unless they need a proffesinoal answer. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha and Honeypie.
Thank you for the advice. I have taken it on board and here is a surprsing update. I spoke to the receptionsist this morning and the post seperated into and labelled into two trays. Thanks. She saw me down there and gave me a look, but apart from that has now been nervous about bumping into ME. She scuttles away as soon she sees me, and looks tearful and almost embaressed. I think she knows I mean business. Funny though, because if I had not done anything wrong and someone cut me off like that , I would be asking the person what's going on... she hasn't done that. I feel strong enough to carry this through now. and am releived. My thinking is now' Why on earth did I allow her to do this all this time to me?' so all good. It might be a bit difficult for a bit, and uncomforatble, but I am prepared for that. I guess once you serioulsy make your mind up it's alot easier. Today has certainly been alot easier than I thought! Onwards and upwards and away from freinds that drain and drag you down. :-)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 August 2015):
I agree with Tisha on the mail-issue.
TALK to the receptionist (or whomever does mail) ASK her to NOT hand your mail to anyone but you. If she asks why, say you prefer the routines to be professional. No more is needed.
Yes, it would be nice not having to spell it out, I agree. I think "dumping" a friend is MUCH harder then a partner honestly. Been there done that, but it was necessary. And you know what? I felt so much better after it was done.
Say what you mean, mean what you say. In her case though, you can still BE polite, BE professional - but NO ONE is forcing you to remain friends.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha. Funny you should mention the mail gping missing thing. I gave her an expenses travel claim of mine to post a few weeks ago. It did not get there.I will speak to the receptionists re. Putting my post somewhere seperatley and avoid her. I am desperate to get away. She gives me the creeps and I do not trust her.will follow advice too. I AM going to have to get tougher asap. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 August 2015):
I'd be very concerned that she's collecting your mail for you. If she's pretending not to get emails and is ignoring texts, who's to say she's not 'accidentally' losing important work mail?
You are trying to avoid pain, for her or yourself? Maybe this is what your life lesson is at this time, that you learn to speak your mind as you've learned to get healthier and stop smoking.
Be cordial, be polite when you see her, ensure you are getting all your important mail, but stop jumping when she stops by or gives you the eye.
You are going to have to grow a thicker skin. You're also going to have to recognize that you are trying to end a relationship and that rarely happens without hurt feelings.
If she buys you a gift or does a 'favour' (I'm still worried about that mail pick up thing) say 'thank you, you really don't need to do this.' Smile and move on to your next task.
Stop apologising and stop saying you are busy. Say thank you, it's not necessary, have to run, work calls, you know how that is, bye!
You do sound desperate as I re-read your question. Perhaps you need some assertiveness training. Sign up for classes or coaching.
But do find a way to end that mail collection thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie. Yes. I am more mad with myself not being able to stick up for myself, but she actually is worse than you know which is even more reason to stand firm, so big girl knickers on it is!!. I hate that i've allowed this to happen. I shall take your advice seriously, and start my new regime tommorow. Am hoping it will even itself out soon and she will accept it ( well she will have no choice) and hope I don't really have to spell it out to her. Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 August 2015):
Just stop making an effort. If she shows up with "PussNBoots eyes" trying to make you feel guilty, just say hi, and find and excuse to get on the phone or out of the office...
She knows what she is doing is pushing you away, but she also knows.. that you trying to not be "mean" and she takes full advantage. And after 7 years, she knows what buttons to push.
So don't play her games. Don't text, don't e-mail unless it's for work and when it's for work ALWAYS CC a common boss, so she can't claim she didn't get it or whatnot.
She isn't "bad luck" for you, it's just that the friendship you shared is over. Don't paint her out to be worse than she is. I think what you are really mad about, is that YOU can't seem to stand up to her and "dump" her.
So on with the big girl knickers and wither SPELL it out to her - "look Mabel we have been friends for a long time, but I find myself and my life to be changing a whole lot and I just don't see s having things in common any more, so I have decided to move on." No more.. no less. And then you STICK to it.
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