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female
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anonymous
writes:I am a married woman with a 20 year old daughter. In the past few months she has been seeing a boy who we have not met and they have become very close. He is also 20 and is her first boyfriend and I have just found out that their relationship has become heavily sexual. She did not tell me this. We have always been able to talk about anything but she has become very secretive and when I broached the subject of safe sex, in case they started a sexual relationship, she said she knew all she needed to and not to worry, and that they were not at that stage yet but if they were they would sort all that out themselves.I am very hurt she does not trust me to tell me and I feel very shut out. I know it is her business but I feel very down about what has happened and feel I have lost her. Am I being silly? Do other mums feel like this?
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female
reader, hj87  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Tell her how you feel. See what she says.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 July 2007):
 I would tell her you're pleased for her that her relationship with this boy is going well. Tell her how proud you are that she has turned into a well balanced, sensible adult and you trust her choice of man. THIS will be like giving her a pat on the back, she'll feel elated that you are not only proud of her but that you've accepted the fact that she's growing up and needs her privacy too.
Let her know too that you're always there for her and if ever she needs to talk then you hope you can be a friend to her as well as a mother. Suggest she invites him over for dinner one night so you can introduce yourself and meet him too. Imagine her like a rubber band, if you just let her go a little bit at a time and give her some slack then she will stretch just enough to explore her independence but will always "ping" back to you again.
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2007): Hello againI would like to say a huge thank you to the people who have answered my question about my 20 year old daughter and the boy she is dating.You have made me feel so much better and I am comforted that there are so many sensible and level headed people out there. You have really helped.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (5 July 2007):
You are very lucky to have such a close and trusting relationship with your daughter. A lot of girls would have gone ballistic if their mothers asked about anything personal, let alone their sex life. I know this is very hard for you, and of course you aren’t being silly, all mothers feel the same. The thing is that as your daughter is changing into an independent woman, she will move away from you slightly. This in no way means that you are losing her, just that some aspects of her life are becoming private. If you think back, no doubt you would not have wanted to talk about these things with your mum either. I’m sure you will find that your daughter still wants to talk to you about loads of other stuff, and really appreciates her friendship with you. You have come through the teenage years with your friendship intact, nothing will change that now. I valued my friendship with my mum more than I could possibly say in words. We didn’t talk about my sex life any more than we talked about hers, but we were close for all of her life. You will be too.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Hi there,
My mother used to try to talk with me about my sex life when I was your daughters age, too. It was totally and completely awkward and I felt like it really was not any of her business anyway. She most likely knows about safe sex at this point in her life and she would be able to get birth control and have any questions answered by her doctor, whom she may feel more comfortable speaking with.
While I don't think you're being silly, I do think that you should not keep trying to ask/talk about your daughters sex life with her. My opinion is that some things are meant to be private between couples, and the sex life is one of those things. Since you and your daughter are close, if she has any real concerns, she would probably talk with you.
About feeling as though you've lost her, I would try not to take it like this. Just because she has newfound feelings for someone and has an active sex life doesn't mean that she's abandoning you. It also seems like you've raised someone who is respectful enough to take into consideration her partner's feelings. (I know I would have died if my sex life was talked about with a partner's parents. It's just so personal that I wouldn't want it talked about.)
I think the best thing you can do is just let your daughter know that you're there if she ever wants to talk and leave it at that. You don't want to end up looking like a nag or seeming nosey, right?
Take care.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 July 2007):
 As a mother of three grown children, I certainly understand how you feel. However from my experience I found my daughters would tell me certain things and withhold others. I always let them choose what we discuss. I never pry into their lives. Since your daughter is 20 she old enough to decide what she wants you to know and what she wants to keep personal. I might add that once they had children of their own my IQ went up about 50 points in their opinion. Loosen up, it's just another phase in motherhood.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (5 July 2007):
 Hey she is a young adult now, and as long as she is happy and being safe that should be all that counts, so i would not take it to heart some things are just a little uncomfortable to speak to your mum about and her sex life, if she feels like i do should be personal.
I talk to my mum about everything but my sex life, and she is totally happy with that but at the same time we both know we are there for each other if needs must.
Take care.xx.
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