A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a beaufuial loving fiancee, but lately I have more insecurities in my mind . I just cant help but not feel good enough for my boyfriend . He does all the right things a boyfriend should we are allways together , laughing , being ourselves, living for the moment. I have had one of the best years of my life with him , he usually makes me feel good about myself and is allways there for me. But cause of being cheated on and I have had issues in past of depression , I have compared myself to models since the age of 13 years old and allways had in the back of my mind that I would never be good enough for anyone .when we watch flims and theres a good looking women makes me feel so insecure and feel hes admiring her cause he will turn and deliberately not look at her on the tv . Or when there will be times where he plays clubland music and watch it on his phone this makes me feel not good enough and insecure again with women looking good in these music videos .unfortunately I cant change how I feel about the video and i cant stop but question if he is attracted to the videos .I will normally stop thinking about what he has just seen but it will play on my mind for a bit and insecurities of self doubt of myself will continue the next day but its controllable .I then have a problem with the fact I have seen him still on zoosk and this has been breaking point for us . Cause he said he paused it and never did , which makes me think he could be still looking at women for talking though he says he dont . I do trust just I dont get why his account is still online , yet inactive if zoosk is paused normally it will delate the account not stay on there . And he was as I checked still on there .I have been told to stop being insecure and jelous otherwise it will end us , he has got angry about tonight cause yes I checked zoosk and he is on there... dont make sense if he loved me he wouldnt be on there surely . I really dont want to be hurt anymore haf a past ex husband cheat and was on sites whilst being with me .. I feel my problem is I do have a jealous side when it comes to other women and I do have this insecure side where I dont feel enough .. like I would say to him if he fell out of love with me just say than cheat .And if he wants someone else then I would understand as much as it hurts cause I dont have the money , looks and other things other women could give to him to let him have the best life could bring to him .I scared I'm ruining this realtionship with past insecurities and my own personally trails from a teen which I have grown with .I do love and want him , but I cant help to make sure nothing runs this realtionship .Hes told me to sort my head out , and he wont put up with this shit . It is making us both unhappy not everyday but mybe once or twice a week .I have a guilt for my past I have already had a child and being married before him I have also had another boyfriend after my ex husband and yet I'm his first in everything. And yes I feel guilty for that , that I wasnt a virgin and he wasnt the first .I feel guilty and alone being up a child that isnt his , we can be a family but he dont love my child or really play the dad role let alone want to , yet we live together and engaged now . I feel since my fall I feel a person that cant be loved as much as most , it has made me blind in one eye , and scars all over mY body it caused a big decreased in my confidence over the years I have got better and try to love myself .I cant be hurt again by any men and I wont so I so look though his phone etc I know it may be controlling but to have pain from being cheated on I cant have again.I dont know why I dont feel enough yet when I think about it I have never feel enough for anyone , it has to be my head like he says . But how can I control something that's there since a teen ? Is it better to let him go and stop assuming and accusing or to somehow change , ?
View related questions:
confidence, engaged, fiance, insecure, jealous, money, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 August 2020):
 I absolutely agree with Auntie Cindy,
DEFINITELY, find a counselor and work on yourself. Only YOU can fix your insecurities and work on being the BEST you, you can be.
Being a little insecure, I think WE all have in us. Bur for you to feel that your BF can't watch a movie with an attractive women without you feeling like YOU aren't good enough? And that he has to avert his eyes? It's... well... ridiculous. And unhealthy. For both of yo. Because it REINFORCES your insecurities and it also "punishes" your BF for things your EX did.
BUT your BF also seems to have one foot out the door. If he has an active account on Zoosk, he is ACTIIVELY looking for a replacement. Which you can't turn a blind eye too. Even if you two have been doing great. There is still this "undertow" of unhealthy behaviors. By you both. He is staying on Zoosk because YOU worry he might cheat, it makes him want to "rebel" against your unspoken accusations. And this makes YOU even more insecure. It becomes this cycle where you BOTH feed each others negative sides.
He might not be the right one for you. If he doesn't think he should delete a dating app, because "you can't tell me what to do" attitude, then really how serious are you two? And if you THINK that because an ex cheated on you, this current one WILL too... eventually... That is a bad mindset. If you think you can prevent yourself from getting hurt, this is NOT the way to do it.
BEING jealous has NOTHING to do with LOVE. DRAMA is not a clear indicator of of deep feelings either.
Consider seeking help. And then rethink your relationship. If you can't HAVE trust in your partner, you really don't have a healthy relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2020): Love doesn't mean you go deaf, dumb, and blind for someone; and you will never be attracted to anyone else ever again! He has even tried averting his eyes for your sake! How whipped is that?
How on earth did you make it from your initial-meeting, become a couple, go through courtship, and make it to engagement???
Your issues of self-image and "beauty-jealousy" are your problem to deal with; but you're projecting them onto him. If you are engaged to a healthy, young, heterosexual-male with eyesight; he will look at images of pretty-ladies! They are everywhere! They will cross your line of vision even when you aren't looking for them! In real-life, on billboards, TV, the internet, and you're probably one too!!! If he likes pretty-ladies, it follows that he'd snag one for himself! Why would he put a diamond on a hump-backed cyclops? I presume you wear his ring? Can he stop other men from checking you out? You'll spot attractive-females on the move, without even trying to find one! Photos and videos of attractive-women sell things; because they draw lots of attention, making them useful for marketing products. The evil queen was so jealous of Snow White, she damaged the mirror! Bad move on her part... suddenly, she aged rapidly! The magic mirror wouldn't lie and tell her she was the fairest in the land! The queen had low self-esteem, was that somehow the Prince's fault too? You may not be the fairest in his eyes; but you're the chosen-one in his heart! Unless he's mean to you, ignores you, cheats on you, and he's a scumbag...then why did you accept his marriage-proposal?
He can't live his life blindfolded, and catering to your chronic-insecurities. I have a suggestion. You can believe love is something real, it has found you, and you deserve it! Never looking at another woman in real-time, or as a screen-image, will not prove anything. Then again, it might make you suspicious if he has turned gay? Once you're married (if that's still possible); maybe you can have him donate his eyes to medical-science. He won't be allowed to use them anymore.
Love is a very deep-emotion (God's DNA) that flows to and from people; and it is not contingent on someone's appearance. I do not believe only beautiful-people find true-love; and average to ugly-people are despised! You might need to seek some therapy; because the world isn't going to change before your wedding! You can lust in your heart; so even blind-men stand under suspicion!
For every lovely-lady you can find, there is a one who's lovelier! Jealousy won't change that!
I do not believe a man has to be blind and shackled to appreciate the woman he's with. Your boyfriend might be average, has visible-flaws, and imperfections; that you won't see in men more handsome than he is. If a handsome-guy stood in-front of you, you would notice the fact that he is attractive. You couldn't deny it if you have eyeballs! Don't sit there pretending like you'd poke-out your eyes not to look! Pretty-women and men are all over TV, on movies, and everywhere! Is he upset when you look? He can't read what's going through your mind! I mean other than you're stewing in your jealousy. That's obvious!
Looking and pursuing are two entirely different actions. Seeing can't stop things from appearing before your eyes! If it's only an image on a screen, how can you be so jealous of it? Oh, I'm sure there will always be some-way to blame men for destroying how women feel about themselves; BUT THAT IS NOT COMPLETELY TRUE!!! It is true that some men do; but we all suffer for it! Did our God in Heaven make some kind of mistake creating Adam and Eve? News flash! He is incapable of error! He gave them both eyes to see! Adam didn't offer the forbidden-fruit from the Tree of Life to Eve! She gave it to Adam! Look what happened! She listened to the devil, and disobeyed God! Yet men are blamed for all the insecurities found in women?!!! Should we blame you for all the sin in the world? Go read Genesis 3:6 in the Bible!
So...you're going to sit-there going nuts every-time an attractive-woman appears within his view? Photo, video, or real-life?
Here's a better suggestion! Get a grip, girlfriend!!!
I think this thing with blaming men for destroying female self-esteem is getting carried-away. God the Creator of the Universe made us in His own image; and He made all kinds of shapes, sizes, and colors. He didn't give pretty-people all the advantages. The devil is messing with your head; better go revisit your faith, and consider worship of the One Who Created You. You'll change your perspective.
Perhaps you might want to switch-sides, and become a lesbian. Unless you plan to gouge-out his eyes, or ditch him for a blind-man. Oops! My bad, because I think lesbians like looking at pretty-girls too! What does that do to female self-esteem? From what I've heard, that doesn't bother men at all!
Come-on world, we need to get a collective-grip on ourselves! We've got a pandemic to survive through!
Maybe you should get some counseling; because marriage is definitely not going to work, unless you can control your jealousy and insecurity!
I'm not making fun of you, sweetheart. Sometimes humor changes our perceptions; so we won't take ourselves too seriously. It also eases the pressures we're under. If you don't really think he loves and respects you; then you need to break the engagement. Yes, that also means you have to give him his ring back! He shouldn't waste it on somebody he doesn't love and find attractive!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2020): Lots of people who do not "need" therapy or counselling go to see these people and pay them for their time and skills. If you think you might need it you have even more reason to. You are a professional, good income, you can afford it. I am sure you know that if you talk in forums and websites you will not get a qualified professional replying (free). The sooner you face this head on with someone who can really help the sooner you will start to feel better.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 I think there are two different issues here.
One is your need for professional help, and I'd say yes, you cannot go wrong in tackling your problems under the guidance of a specialized professional. From what you say , your fears and insecurities go somewhat further and deeper than the annoyance the average woman can feel when confronted, so very often, by ( photoshopped ) images of beauty , artificially enhanced to a level that said average woman has few or no chances to ever reach. A bit of frustration, a bit of envy, I suppose is normal and natural. Suffering as much as you do, and thinking that you deserve less love than the next person, just because you are not physically perfect,...yeah, maybe here there's something to work on, which you are not equipped to work on alone.
Said that... I perked up my ears nonetheless. What's your bf still doing on Zoosk ? ( if he IS still on, which I could not say, but you seem to have quite a grasp on how that system works, so... ) Zoosk is a dating app for on line encounters between singles ; your bf is not single, and he is not supposed to " encounter " anybody who could not be also your friend. So, wtf he is doing, and why is he being so reticent about it ?..
You see, I don't think this is something that makes you insecure because you don't feel pretty enough blah blah, it's something that makes you insecure because it's not the kind of thing a man in a committed relationship would do !, particularly behind your back, and particularly fibbing about it ( and getting himself caught ).
If your partner acts insincere and unreliable, then you could be Miss UK 2020 but your confidence would be dented anyway !
Another thing that is , objectively, worrisome and makes his committment to you at least doubtful, is his lack of interest in considering your child part of the family.
I get it that if he does not love him, he just does not; or, if he is the kind of man who can get attached only to his own span- these men do exist and they are not necessarily evil. It's easier to change behaviours, than feelings- and if he feels that your child will be always an unwelcome baggage to him- that's what he feels and there's not much that he can do about it ; BUT , then he should have not taken up with a single mother, should have not gone to live with her etc. etc. If he has such resistence to loving and accepting your child- it is also possible that, consciously or not, he may see your arrangement like something functional, convenient and temporary, until the " real " thing ( unencumbered woman ) comes along.
In conclusion, by all means if you can go get help for your jealousy and insecurity because it will help you anyway in all your relationships with people, at large, and in your life in general. But remember , as the saying goes " Just because you are paranoid, it does not mean that they are not after you " !
...............................
A
female
reader, Justmy5cents  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 Yes you do need to sort your head out, this is way of thinking is just crippling to a relationship as well as your mental health. Zoosk issues aside this simply doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you. Be kind to yourself, get the support you need other wise this will be a re occurrence of self sabotage no matter what relationship. Wish you all the best
...............................
|
