A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am confused wether I am being lied to or not by the guy Ive been seeing for 6 mnths and am now 3 mnths pregnant too. When i told him i was pregnant he was happy but we had an argument after being in each others company for too long as we have both had our hearts broken in the past and i guess are still unsure about the relationship and scared to get hurt again. (This is what he told me) so anyway there has been no contact with me for two weeks now and i am unsure about what to do with baby. But am leaning more to keeping it.And i told him i was thinking about an abortion and he said if i did that to never talk to him again. But why does he want a baby with me if he cant keep in contact with me?? But i feel unsure because he told me hes scared of getting hurt and wants to take things slow. So do i give him his space and be there for him when hes ready? Or just cut him off now and still have baby. Im in two minds about if hes genuine or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell hello. its been a little while and just wanted to say that i am now 16 weeks pregnant and 100% happy with my decision to keep baby. and as far as the sperm donor. because thats all he ever will be, i dont hear from him anymore and am happy to keep it that way. If in the future he wants to see his daughter i would let him and sort out the finer details in due course. But I really doubt id have to worry about that because I honestly dont think we will see him again. im too old and focused on the future for my kids to be putting up with immature selfish little boys. Me and my babies dont need the bullshit. so thanks for all your replies. it really helped :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): iamheretohelpyou didnt say youre a bad mum but she was suggesting that you focus on the children you do already have and dont allow anymore chances for more babies when youre not married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere to help. U make it sound like im an unfit parent who is having kid after kid and unable to look after them. I actually am quite offended. But that is your opinion and your entitled to that. But i am a good mother and do take care of my children that i already have and will be taking care of my baby on the way. And i am aware of the use of contraception and how it works. So saying that i was aware at the time i may fall pregnant, but didnt think he would walk out on me but its all good because like i said i will own up to my resposibilities with or without the father.And dont get me wrong i understand that this is an open forum for frank talk so i will say how i feel to.
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reader, LivingWithBadDecisions  +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I agree with iamheretohelpyou. no more babies until youre in a stable marriage and use as much protection as possible after this child is born and up until you are married (not engaged or before) but see a doctor to find out what will maximise the prevention of more pregnancies.I would advise that you stay away from serious dating and focus on the three children you will have at least for a year and a half or so.also many women (and some men) forget that its a bad idea to introduce your partners to your children until youve been in a stable relationship with the partners for at least a year.good luckCooper
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey chi girl. Yes i have tried to contact him but he wont answer so i have my answer from him. I agree that my relationship with him shouldnt affect my decision about baby to some degree, which is making things a bit easier. As i have to concentrate on what i want to do and what i can cope with because at the end of the day its probably just going to be me and my other two babies. I have spoken to the doctors and the latest i can abort is 19 wks. And i honestly dont think i could abort or adopt and live with that decision, ad i believe that things happen for a reason and feel i need to be responsible for my actions now. My life had been a bit of a full on rollacoaster the last year and a half and maybe this is what i need to help re evaluate my life and realise what are the most important things in life. No more partying and carrying on. Time to grow up and start making beyter choices in my life for mr snd my babies :)
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 You might not end up happily ever after with this man, but should that really play a part in it? The child you will give birth to wont be him, it'll be part of him yes, but it'll also be part of you and is it's own unique person. You left your previous relationship where you also had children with the man. So you are already a single mother, and you know you can still love your children even if you don't love the father...
So I don't think your relationship with the father should matter in whether you decide to keep the child or not. You know your relationship with him doesn't matter, you might be together, you might break up. Regardless you might still have the child.
Yes he is childish and selfish to leave you like this, but have you tried to contact him? Does he refuse to pick up the phone?
Anyway, like I said before, the time is basically up, you're past the point of having an abortion. Or have your doctor told you otherwise? Placing the child for adoption once born will be difficult as well, as I'm unsure if the father will accept it, and you can't do it without his consent.
Has your doctor told you when your last chance to have an abortion is??
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reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (20 March 2013):
Well you could try to write down things that will help you see whether you are mentally and emotionally and financially and physically and realistically capable of raising this baby on your own.
Theres always adoption but some people cant go through with it.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 March 2013):
 Time to get your closest girlfriend involved, if you haven't already. We cannot make this decision for you.
It may help to find a counselor, talk to your doctor and get an emergency consult to help you sort through your options.
As he's absented himself from the situation, do not factor him into the decision, do what is best for you and your children. What that is, I cannot tell you, you have to figure it out for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy cant I just make my decision. Be happy with it and stick to it. Still so confused :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): "hes scared of getting hurt and wants to take things slow." He should realize that the time to take it slow is gone, you're gonna have a child, even if he wants to take this relationship slow that does not change the fact that he is going to be a father and that now he has responsibilities with you regardless if you are romantically connected or not. it's time to put the past relationships drama aside and focus on the future, first of all decide if you want to keep this child, if you decide to keep it YOU must think about how your life will be like and if you can cope on your own, because I think this dude will bail on you, he seems very immature, and you now must think about what is best for your future and this child's. Best of luck to you
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reader, llifton +, writes (20 March 2013):
 sweetheart, you need to do what YOU feel is best in this sitution. and if you decide it's not best to have this child, then that's your decision to make. and if that means he won't speak to you, then that's HIS decision to make. and if you decide to keep the baby, more power to you.
he said he wants to move slow and is freaking out. but i'm sorry, getting your girlfriend pregnant causes the exact opposite. it's making you have to step up and move forward much, much faster. you don't have a choice. that's what comes along with pregnancy.
if he wants you to keep this baby bad enough, he needs to man up and stop saying all of this bs about needing to slow down. he's gonna be a father in 6 months. you two CAN'T take it slow. he's being completely unreasonable. this is why i say that YOU need to do what's best for you. don't worry about him. yes, he should get a say. but if he's already disappearing on you now before the baby even comes, he's not reliable.
take a long, hard think on this. give yourself a few days and reflect. don't think about him and what he says he wants. don't even talk to him. just think about you and this baby. are you prepared to be a single mom? are you ready for the responsibilites? if not, then there's your answer. if you are, then there's your answer. take time. this is a huge decision. best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): "I dont have much self esteem so i guess i feel this is all i deserve."
Yeah well how you feel is not the reality, this is nothing to do with deserving anything, making mistakes or responsibility. This is to do with what you want OP and what you feel is best for you. Don't base your decisions on what we think, and certainly don't base them on the concept of "what you deserve" when you feel you somehow deserve a raw deal. If you want to keep this child OP regardless of what happens with this guy then do so.
Don't make any decisions until you talk to him and find out what's going on. I still don't believe he gets a say the way he's been acting but I do think you need to at least clear the air.
OP I know you came to an anonymous forum for frank advice but with a decision with such huge consequences to your life you need to turn to the people who love you, know you and will help you figure out what's best. An abortion is no easy thing emotionally, especially if you want another child and this late too. OP get some proper support from the one's you love and try not to get caught up in the assumption of the worst case scenario.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): plan on being a single mom and raising this kid without him as your partner. Expect him to pay child support as he is legally required to, and to have visitation with his child, but don't expect that you and him will be living together or each other's partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. I am starting to honestly think of having an abortion. I dont have much self esteem so i guess i feel this is all i deserve. I agree i have been irresponsible. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I have acted out this way after a break up of 12 yrs which broke my heart and he was someone paying me attention which i craved for at the time but now with major consequences that i have to now deal with. I have a problem putting what i want first. Just to clarify i have known this guy for a couple of years and only connected with him after my break up. So hes not a stranger, even though hes acting like one. I also have two children 11 and 6 who are really looking forward to being a big brother and sister. And yes i have met his family and friends and he told them all that i was pregnant and seemed happy. But i think things have changed now.But i know its my decision in the end. I just have alot to weigh up. And i just hope he doesnt contact me because then i become weak around him :( i think i am going to change my number today.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (19 March 2013):
 HiI think his 'I feel scared' means I feel trapped. After dating just 3 months you announce your pregnant - thats a HUGE thing to deal with, way too soon to.But,you two have created a new life.Do you feel ready to cope with a new baby,your child, alone?I think he will step up to fatherhood but not as your husband/partner.The next step is to accept you may be in this alone
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2013): Screw him OP, first things first, time is running out for the choice on abortion. So choose soon, keep it or don't but forget what he thinks, as the others have said he's a fucking coward who has run away when you need him most to step up and help you with this.
He basically has lost his right in a say as to whether you keep it or not, especially after his comment on never speaking to you again, he threatens you to keep his child? Frankly in your position I'd abort it rather than have such a dickface be the father to my child and be forced to have him in my life for good.
OP you're basically asking us all the wrong questions. You're treating this like a regular relationship to some degree, should I give him space, should I cut him off, etc. This is not a normal circumstance though OP, what matters here is what kind of father will he make, will he run from your child any time he feels "scared" too, will he use past relationships as a reason to bail on his kid, if he can treat the potential mother to his child like this now what will he be like when actually having kid turns out to be a hell of a commitment, imagine if this did end and what the custody battles and maintenance will be like. You need to ignore the relationship aspects and focus on the practical here.
6 months is only barely a relationship OP, 3 months in to get pregnant may mean that's the only reason he stuck around.
Figure out what you need from him then contact him. He says he'll never speak to you again should you abort, well he's not speaking to you anyway so there's no difference.
OP you're probably going to have a kid with this guy, if you can't make him step up now during your pregnancy then you're going to have a hell of time trying to make him act like a father. This is the easy part OP, wait until the child arrives. You can't even count on this guy to prepare for fatherhood, I'd worry what he'd actually be like as a father to be honest.
Yes fatherhood is a very scary thing, I'm sure you have a lot of nerves floating around too. But he's dealing with this like a child and sorry OP but he can fuck right off with his space bullshit, he's going to be a father, he doesn't get space. He steps up of he fucks off, he doesn't just get to bail and float in and out of you and your child's life. That child will need stability, strength and support. Not a flaky coward.
Now is the time he's supposed to put personal feelings and issues aside and come up with a plan for all this. Work out the details, help you prepare for motherhood, start buying all the shit you'll need, putting money away and working out what's what. he had his little holiday, you need his help right now with all this, he doesn't get to piss off and stick his head in the sand. If it's all too much for him then fuck me OP, your kid is going to have one shitty father .
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reader, malvern + ♥, writes (19 March 2013):
 Things have moved far too fast here. After six monthe together you barely know each other .... and now a baby on the way .... any man would be scared of that, it's a massive responsibility. I think you have to put yourself in the frame of mind that you are going to have to 'go it alone' with this pregnancy and possibly be raising the child alone. Ideally a relationship needs to be absolutely rock solid before introducing a child into the world. Did your boyfriend really want this baby with you? Was it planned? I'm sorry to say this but you have both been very irresponsible and now you are paying the price. If your boyfriend returns then I hope you can sort something out between you for the sake of the babys future. I am sure he is genuinely scared. If you and your boyfriend never get back together I think it would be a mistake to cut him off because your baby is for life and you are going to need all the support you can get. You don't seem to realise the seriousness of the situation and I find it a little worrying that you talk about this baby as though it's something you've just bought from a shop and can't decide whether to keep.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 March 2013):
Isn't he allowed to be scared? I'm sure you're scared too. You've just been in a relationship for 6 months and are practically strangers. It's natural to feel overwhelmed, and scared. How he chooses to deal with his fear might not be ideal, but what is he supposed to do? He's made it clear that he is against abortion, so you know that. Which is good, because you don't sound like you want an abortion either. But a future together? That's quite the other story. It's fully possible to be against abortion, yet still not be ready to settle down "for life". Certainly not after just 6 months. It is much better that you do take it slow.. or as slow as you possibly can. I wouldn't encourage jumping into marriage or living together just yet, even if you are pregnant. Although you should talk to him about that, how you will sort this out in pure practical manners. Maybe you need to move to a bigger place, or maybe he will find a bigger place. You could have sleepovers, but not formally live together. At least not until the relationship is ready for it. It is, after all, much better to deal with a break-up if there aren't lawyers involved and a mortgage to share. So don't rush it. I think you should give him his space and then no game-playing. Be mature about this, don't try to press for commitment or love declarations or "the right thing to do". Don't try to read hidden meanings into his words. Just take his words at face value. He's saying he's scared, but doesn't want an abortion. He's saying he wants to be in a relationship with you, but take it slow. Talk to him about the no contact thing that's happened for the last two weeks. You need to communicate more. If he needs space, that's fine, but he can isolate himself. He is your team player now, and you can't be left to guess what the team should do.. That's something you will figure out TOGETHER, not one by one. Doesn't mean you should be together 24/7, but it means that he needs to contact you, and needs to be available for you to contact him (and then don't call him every 5 minute..). Don't panic now and think just because you haven't heard from him it means you should run away and never speak to him again or do anything drastic. Either way, I believe it's too late for an abortion once you're 3 months pregnant.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2013):
I think YouWish has summed up your choices very well.As he has gone 'no contact' for 2 weeks, he's essentially removed himself from the situation. Cowardice? Playing ostrich? Breaking up? A drinking problem that has led him to an accident and he can't contact you?Have you met his family? Do you know his friends? Could you reach out to them to find out what's happening with him? You don't have to tell them you are pregnant.He may not want a baby with you. He may just want to know he's fathered a child. This does not make him a father figure, or a good bet for a long term relationship.Assume that you are on your own, without his presence and make plans accordingly.If he's so scared to get hurt again from previous broken hearts that he does a runner when his girlfriend gets pregnant, well, I would say his top priority is his comfort. He doesn't sound like much a good bet to be a father figure. He'll freak out and run away when things get tough.If he wanted to take things slow, then maybe he shouldn't have had sex which led to pregnancy. That's his responsibility as well as yours. He sounds like an unreliable guy who focuses on his own needs to the detriment of others.
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reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (19 March 2013):
Can you be a:- Single parent getting child support?OR- Woman who aborted her child.At three months you should have been using double contraception because, clearly, your relationship is too new to handle something this lifechanging. I'm not trying to lecture you, but the pair of you are old enough to know better.It's also too late to play the "I want to take things slow" card because you can't "un-ring the bell". If either of you wanted to take it slow, you wouldn't have been having sex so quickly and your unborn baby wouldn't even have been a possibility yet.The final decision is yours.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (19 March 2013):
 You should make the decision to have a baby or terminate the pregnancy separate from any threats or reaction from him. That is your decision, and you need to do what you feel is right. Don't threaten termination simply to get a reaction out of him. Consider it only if it is a legitimate and serious consideration for you.It's understandable that he is scared about the future, but he's reacting in an immature fashion. Getting into fights and disappearing for 2 weeks won't change the fact that he's about to be a father unless you decide otherwise.He's "scared of being hurt"? What does that have to do with you being pregnant? Nothing. It's an excuse that sounds good. Your relationship was too new to deal with something this serious, and he's not sure whether he wants to continue. So, after 2 weeks of no contact, I think you need and deserve an answer. Then, you need to make decisions about your future too.Have the baby if you want to have it, but be prepared to raise him or her as a single parent. Definitely get a child support order, because he as the father have legal and financial obligations to it. If abortion is legitimately on the table, you need to consider that the guy is thinking of not talking to you again even if you do have the baby. Neither of you are kids. You've got a couple of hard choices.
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