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I always recognise my boyfriend's birthdays but he never recognises mine.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 March 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 16 March 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello, I'm currently in a one year long distance relationship. Though I saw him a month ago for two weeks. I bought him gifts and paid for most of our lunches or dinners together. He didn't get me a gift or paid for lunch or dinner. I know I shouldn't look at it that way. Now on his birthday since I'm not there near him, I ordered two cakes to his home. I feel like I put much more effort than he does. He also told me he was going to get me a bouquet of flowers when he sees me and then when I visited he didn't give me any flowers. Should I be concerned?

View related questions: flowers, long distance

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A female reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 United States + , writes (16 March 2018):

N91 is absolutely correct, he isn't interested. A guy doesn't have to spoil you w/monetary items, but he should make you feel special on your birthday and other holidays. I dated a guy long distance for a short period of time, I put in all the effort. Saw him twice, had to beg for him to see me at least once. I paid for everything, my tickets, place to stay etc. When he came over, he stayed w/me (I felt awkward staying w/his parents), only paid for the plane ticket and I ended up picking up the tab on almost everything. Took a little, but I found a local guy who does a lot for me, feels so much better that I don't have to force him to do anything for me.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (14 March 2018):

TylerSage agony auntWell, in all honesty, it is only a ONE year relationship. I think the main concern here is that you do things for him in hopes that he will return the favour and as a result these fantasies of yours have now lead to you feeling let down.

He does however sound like an insensitive freeloader. You have't shed any light on what he's like outside of gift giving and monetary funds. Is he forgetful? Does he show public affection? Is he a bad boy? Are his conversations any good? Is he a good person with a good heart?

You dumping him, for these relatively innocent reasons can make you come off a bit needy or shallow. There's more to man than just giving you a gift. If you now feel he is no longer deserving of these gifts, then simply stop, for your next anniversary, shoot him a text or give him a call, OR send him more cakes. Do what you do because you CHOOSE to do it, expecting nothing in return for your actions. Expectations lead to a broken heart.

You guys seems pretty young plus it's a LDR which have a reputation for not lasting very long but if guys want to try and make it work, go for it. Relationships usually fail because one person puts in more effort than the other. If you honestly think this guy is an ungrateful wretch who wouldn't know what kindness and compassion was if it slapped him square in the teeth then toss him, if you think he's just rusty around the edges and forgetful give him a second chance and work with him. Make sure you consider ALL his qualities first before making a decision.

All the best.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 March 2018):

N91 agony auntYou're wasting your time.

He's not interested and he's taking you for a ride. You pull out all the stops for him and all he does is let you down on promises. Why be in a relationship with someone you can't see when they don't even care?

Find someone you can actually have a physical relationship with.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree at your age, maybe a LDR is NOT really working.

And I think you should stop spending money on him. It might be he can't AFFORD much of anything, that doesn't mean however that it's OK for him to ignore your birthday or make promises and not keep them.

I think it's fine to spend money on people you care for, I think it's fine to buy them a gift and expect nothing in return. But when it becomes a pattern of ONE of you being "the giver" always and the other "the taker" it makes the relationship uneven. Even if he is a bit short on money, flowers are NOT that expensive, neither is mailing you a card for your birthday.

Besides this "gift" and "broken promises" thing how are things going? Is this really a guy you can see yourself with long term? Is where HE lives somewhere you can have a career? Or where you live he can have one?

I think relationships are hard work, a LDR even harder. So maybe if you are not really getting ANYTHING out of the relationship other than a hole in your wallet... maybe you need to consider dating someone closer to where YOU are.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (13 March 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntStop spending all your money on an ungrateful brat!

Who needs two birthday cakes home delivered? Why are you paying for meals and gifts, what does he do for you besides make empty promises about bunches of flowers that he cant even follow through on.

You ask if you should be concerned .... yes, you should be concerned that you are putting in all the effort and getting zip in return.

Stop buying him stuff, its money down a big black hole, just stop it!

Get offline and find things to do in your own location, meet and mix with people who live closer and stop throwing your money away.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 March 2018):

[EDIT]:

"I guess he figures he's doing you a favor by showing-up once in awhile."

Just for the record. If you're long-distance, he has to make up for missing birthdays or special occasions. If he breaks promises; that's an indication he doesn't really care that much. He's growing weary and I think you're seeing the signs.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 March 2018):

He's not as into you as you are into your boyfriend.

Long-distance relationships are hard enough; and he may only be in it, because you insist on having it. He's making little effort at doing anything. I guess he figures he doing you a favor by showing-up once in awhile. Probably keeping pretty busy when back in his own neck of the woods.

Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by breaking-up with you; and he's just waiting for you to grow irritated enough to make that decision. I'd be concerned if you're the only one holding-up the relationship.

People as young as you two should be dating and having fun. Not sitting around counting the weeks and months until you see each other again.

Why complain about anything? Just dump him! Find yourself a local-guy; so you can go out and do things. See each other regularly, and not forget birthdays!

Stop spending your money on that jerk!

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