A
male
age
26-29,
*money955
writes:Hi everyone ! I would really appreciate some insight as I am clearly confused as to whats going on right now, driving me insane !!!So all my life I have liked girls, I remember plenty of crushes that ive had, from elementary - highschool and my last girlfriend i fell in love with started the summer before college and it lasted till last september which i cried when we broke up and was depressed till about jan-feb. Anyway, I've been smoking weed for a few years and once I had some gay thoughts and one time I saw a kid in my math class who was cool and deff bagged mad chicks and for the entire class i was like hes a good looking kid and couldnt stop looking but that wore off when i was sober . I was a justin bieber fan basically ever since he came out and i used all his songs to bag girls and everything, even grew the hair out to bag chicks. I was getting girls left and right. Never had a sexual attraction to justin bieber tho, that was weird and even the thought of kissing a dude or being in a relationship with one is weird too, not what I want or desire. Now in latter months of last year I had gay thoughts from weed that didnt arouse me so i quit the weed from new years till march and slowely but surely for the most part the gay thoughts went away and from december-jan I was banging a girl, she wasnt all that hot but i went up with ease and i was enjoying it. One time it was freezing and my dick is usually not capable of getting hard in the cold but she sucked me off in the park and i got hard and i was like YEAHHH BUDDY! Sadly she became annoying I had to let her go, I couldnt be involved in another relationship at this time. I got another chick and she was ehhh but it was whatever i just wanted to fuck but i got pretty tipsy and was hard in my pants but when she took her clothes off i was like ehhh not that nice to look at and she gave me head and it fell down and i was like whatever no big deal, shes not hot and i cant get it up when im drunk anymore anyway. So i relapsed with the weed and from 3/1-3/25 and the gay thoughts came back but no arousal. Ive quit weed since then but the gay thoughts wont go away and this is causing me great distress as over the past 2.5-3 weeeks ive cried, puked and have intrusive images of gay acts and such. STILL NO AROUSAL. I thought this was HOCD so I was calm for a bit but would still be nervous and such but for the last few days Ive seemed to calm down, theres a cute girl in my class and I deff want to get her and possibly be in a relationship if it gets that far, we havent hooked up yet or anything but shes real chill, deff can see myself with this kind of girl. However, I have yet to get an erection around her because maybe Ive masturbated my life away since the final year of my last relationship till just about now. But today , I read some explicit gay sex talk from some forum and it got me aroused and i ended up jerking off and coming hard. Gay porn has not done anything to me and Ive been testing with gay fantasies and I seem to get nervous and erect at the same time. I am nervous with the straight fantasies and cant seem to get hard. Im a nervous wreck and have no desire to want to act on these gay thoughts yet it seems like thats where my head is leaning but I deeply do not want that. I want the girl in my class, I cant say I like her ALOT but shes cool and I deff want to spend more time with her and see where we get too, especially if shes feeling like that towards me. Idk whats going on but I deff dont want to be gay, I could handle being bisexual because that means I can still bang girls so its all good. Being gay would depress me and literally probably break me as I see hot chicks but dont know if it would go up but just 3 months ago, I had a girl in my bed thaT i was banging hard so idk what the heck is going, all insights would be helpful, please and thank you in advance everyone.!!!
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female
reader, EFM94  +, writes (27 April 2016):
 Hey it definitely sounds like you have HOCD!!!Trust me.. If you were gay you'd know about it! You have HOCD because you don't want to be gay so you're trying your best to convince yourself that you're not. You're over thinking about getting hard all the time... Over thinking about how you always used to like girls to convince yourself you're straight. This is all OCD related. You can't seem to get hard in a straight situation because your mind is telling you that it's only gay things you can get hard over. It's giving you a lot of anxiety and worry.It's an obsessive topic of illness and even though it's not discussed a lot it does exsist. I suffered with it for two years when I was 18. It does get bette trust me. If you ever want to message me to talk I will tell you about my story! Don't look in to it too much it will only make you worse!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2016):
 Lol, dude. Yeah, quit the weed for sure, because that stuff makes people dumb. And how about you at last pretend to respect women when you write in for advice?
No one can be force to be gay. If you dont luke dudes then you dont. I just dont see how trash talking women is related to the question. It only makes me think you are trying too hard to sound cool and brag about all the sex, so maybe you are indeed gay....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): My friend, at your age your a raging ball of hormones. Anything will get you aroused. That's all natural.
Let's first clarify something. Being gay isn't a choice. It's not some preference you make, like deciding which college you wish to attend. It's your sexual-nature. Let that be debated until the sun goes out. I am gay. I know how I feel and who the hell I am. Scientists can't explain everything, nor can theologians who think they can read the mind of God. He made everything and everyone for a purpose.
Your sexual-identity is based on your attraction to either gender, if not both. You may have an attraction to males, apparently you do; but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. That happens to more males than would want or care to admit it.
The thoughts are recurrent; which is an indication that you may be bisexual by nature, not by deed. You don't ever have to touch a man unless you feel you can handle it mentally. Some men can't. There's nothing wrong with that.
I'm gay, but my first sexual experiences were with females. The sex was good, and I enjoyed it; but I couldn't make the mental and emotional connection necessary to say I was bisexual. I never felt fulfilled sexually and emotionally having sex with females. I still feel aroused around hot women. I like looking at their bodies and I do actually get a little turned-on by certain women. I know I won't continue the feelings through to the act of intercourse; so I just don't act on it anymore. I simply will not maintain an erection for a female, no matter what she does. I'll never say never again. It did happen once upon a time.
In your case, it's reverse. You are predominately attracted to females, with a minimal attraction to males. You suppress those feelings so well; that they only come out when you use a substance that lowers your inhibitions. It's still buried there, and you fight to keep it suppressed.
You're beginning to come to terms with it subconsciously, and that is what compelled you to right to DC. I don't recommend acting on urges that are the results of drug-use or intoxication. We act out of character under those circumstances. Often totally irresponsibly, if not destructively.
My advice is, don't be ashamed or disgusted by who you are and how you feel. If males aren't your primary sexual-attraction; then ignore it, and just ponder the thoughts until they subside. Just think of women until the thoughts of guys fade-away and your predominate sexual-attraction takes over. You don't have to give up females. Just don't commit to one; then change your mind in the middle of it. I hate when guys do that to women with a blood-curdling passion!
It's mythical that bisexuals are 50/50 in their attraction for males and females. One will prevail over the other, and that is mostly based on emotional-attraction; not just physical-attraction. You may be able to make emotional and sexual-connections with women; but only sexual-connections with men. Which means you can form real relationships and emotionally bond with a female. It would take a very special guy to bring that out of you, and you've never met him. It could happen someday. In the meantime; do not toy with the affections of women. Never pretend, if your urges towards men grows too strong. I say this, because living a lie and hurting someone is the worse thing you could ever do. To them, and to yourself.
Don't allow guilt to eat at you; because the inner-conflict is your mind trying to erase feelings that are natural. It is difficult, because it is part of your true nature. The only choice is, whether you wish to act on them. Not whether the feelings are real, or if you cannot control them. People control their sexual feelings all the time. Professionally or for religious reasons.
You can control the thoughts to some degree. The desires are part of your mental make up, and not so easily deleted from existence. There will be a time you just may decide you that you wish to stop fighting them. That may be motivated by an emotional-attraction beyond just the physical for another man. That is, if you are bisexual. That isn't a bad thing, unless you deceive women. I hate that in closeted men; who really don't have to deal with the old-school issues that drove us all into the closet anymore. If your religious convictions or your values are stronger than your urges; you will suppress the feelings and maintain the life you prefer. I will be honest. The feelings of attraction for men will not go away. You can only bury them and ignore them. That's all.
If you are in fact gay, you will come to terms with it. If not now...later. Just don't let this destroy your self-esteem or punish yourself; when you haven't done anything but have "thoughts". Which you really have little or no control over. The thoughts are simply ideas that have not been practiced or thoroughly processed. Fantasies come upon us without invitation; so you cannot punish yourself for being human. Nor should you allow the prejudices of others, nor your own personal homophobia, create self-loathing that can be detrimental to your mental-health and well-being.
Regarding the emotional/physical responses you have described? The puking and all that? That is all based on external factors that have taught you it's sick and disgusting. You cannot live being disgusted with yourself; unless you have inappropriate feelings toward children or wild depraved cravings you know are morally, socially, and criminally unacceptable. That would require serious therapy.
I say, just accept it as a part of who you are. Enjoy being with women; and if you don't feel the urge strong enough to pursue your attraction to men; then learn to just put those thoughts aside. Explore them when you feel you are psychologically prepared to handle them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 April 2016):
 You put too much importance on getting hard and being a man, and too little on actual connection to a person. Your worries give you anxiety and affects performance. It becomes a cycle. Maybe you watch a lot of porn. Actors and actresses look airbrushed and perfect. Imperfections and flaws are hidden. In real life, few people come close to this but you have trained your brain to only get aroused by perfect, and by variety. This sex obsession has led you to seek whatever makes you hard, even if your suspicion that you are gay made you feel uncomfortable. Your need for more exciting, bigger and better had led you to the gay realm. It does not stop there. Next thing you know you could be interested in BDSM or beastiality. It will help you if you can redirect your focus on something else, like sports, volunteering or how to make society a better place. Give your sexual brain a break so in the future your sexual desires are natural, and your potential partners do not have to compete with your idealized rivals in your mind.
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