A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So I’m writing this because me and my boyfriend a we’re having trouble and he broke up with me. However, he said he would give me a chance to work on things and see whether we would get back together or not. I thought we were working on things and trying to fix things at the moment. We ended up spending time together and having sex because I thought we were together. But he said we were broken up and he wanted to see if it could work out and willing to see how things went. We ended up getting back together and talking about our problems. I found out that my boyfriend went on the app Whisper and tried to hook up with someone a day after we broke up. And I’m really hurt by this because it was a day after and because it made me feel like an idiot for trying to work things out when he tried to reach out to someone to do something. He never did anything and he said he was never going to go through with it. But the fact that he did it really hurt me. He said at that point he wanted to forget me and wanted to feel wanted and get out of the situation. I’m just hurt by this and how he didn’t feel the need to tell me. I just don’t know what to think. And I would just need advice on how to work through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, thank you all for your advice. It really helped. And while I’m hurt from his actions and how he handled the situation. I understand why he did it and the root of the problem but that still doesn’t justify his actions. He was willing to talk to me and explain, list everything we need to work on, and accept that he was wrong and apologize. This was his first mistake and because I know he would never do it again I can forgive him because I know people go through pain differently. Right now, I’m just hurt and ikesp bringing up questions. I know I can get over it with time. If he can show me he will be committed, loyal, and reassure me then I will move forward and hopefully we both can grow from this and have better communication.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): The truth is, he really wanted to breakup; but at the same time he wasn't sure about the decision. He wants to date other women; and he has reached a point in the relationship where he is conflicted about his feelings. Should he give-up a sure thing? Yet he's tired of dealing with the insecurities, petty disagreements, and sex no longer feels "new."
The relationship has run its course, for him anyway.
You are safe, dependable, and he has no doubt that you love him. He thinks he loves you. My speculation is that his conflict is that he isn't sure that he wants to remain monogamous. Emotionally, he's lazy; and you're left doing all the work to save the relationship. He won't admit to you that he has given-up on the relationship; so he's stringing you along until he finds the nerve, and finally makes up his mind when to completely end it.
When you can gather your courage; and you're ready to face the inevitable. You should end it.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 August 2018):
 I think it's time to let this guy go, OP
He doesn't WANT to take responsibility for his actions. And the whole ultimatum - he would give YOU a chance to "work" on the relationship, while he did what? Chatted up another girl... HOW was his actions supposed to contribute to "fixing" issues?
He doesn't WANT the relationship to continue, but he does want you on pins and needles to TRY.
Why do I say that? Because someone who WANTS to fix their relationship doesn't go on hook up apps, because they know that would only create MORE issues and less trust.
Do you think you can trust him after this?
And what do you think could fix this relationship from falling further apart?
I honestly think you should step back from all of it, and take a good hard look at WHAT you two got, and determine IF it's salvageable and HOW to ho about it.
Some times we hold on to relationships that are dead in the water. We see the "sharks" (aka issues) but we don't know how to fix them so we basically continue the dead relationship out of familiarity and fear of the unknown. (which would be to break up and STAY broken up).
I think it's VERY rare that a relationship that falls apart to the extend where ONE person sees himself as SINGLE a "free to mingle" and the other person sees it as a "rescue operation" - that those two people will really fix anything together, as they HAVE very different goals.
It really doesn't matter IF he went through with the hook up or not, he FELT entitled to DO what he did. He FELT he was single. And it happen the DAY after you two broke up.
Do you see what I am saying?
IF you really want to fix things:
You need to IDENTIFY the issues you two have.
Then you need to consider IF they are actually fixable.
And last HOW (there needs to be a plan of action) you fix these issues.
But you also have to realize that HE might not REALLY want to fix things. He might just say that so he doesn't look like a total asshat. It takes TWO to have a relationship, it takes two to FIX a relationship... but it just takes ONE to mess it up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): Honey, boys will be boys, they are childish. They will run to find something - anything to mend their broken little hearts. This is something you have to understand and not let it bring you down. You should look at it not as he went online to look, but rather, he never went through with it. Now is the time to tell him : 'Baby, next time we have an arguement, please do not go looking for someone/anyone until you are 100% sure the relationship is over.' Then, let it go. Do NOT bring this topic back the next time you argue. Do NOT let this come between the both of you!Now, on to more serious stuff - what does he mean when he said he's giving you a chance to work on things? Are you dating GOD himself? He not only sounds immature, but manipulative and controlling. When two people in a relationship argue, it's never just ONE person that's wrong. If you don't remember anything else, please remember this : BOTH people need to work TOGETHER to make a relationship last. Don't ever take anyone's bs in saying that only you need to work!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): He could have been upset and reached out for someone, anyone, OP. We're all human. It doesn't mean he didn't/doesn't love you. And obviously he didn't know this person so she meant nothing to him. Guys can have sex with a random woman but still love you. Sounds like he was confused and being immature. Talk to him. You need to know what's not working so you can fix it. Together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, thank you no nonsense Aidan, I feel really hurt right now and I don’t think he fully understands why I feel hurt. Regardless if he did or did not slee with someone the intent was still there. He reached out within a day, and I’m not sure if it’s becsuse he didn’t love me or why. But I feel like an idiot here I am trying to make things work and trying to talk to him, and what he does is reach out to him regardless if it happened or not. The intent was there and the fact that he didn’t feel the need to tell me when I was trying. I’m not sure how to feel about that, I wish he would have told me and let me decide by that point if I wanted to be with him. He justifies it by saying we were broken up and it doesn’t matter what he or she did. But you see me trying and you said you would have given it a shot. I think I should’ve been told and not strung along. I felt at that time hurt but I still wanted to try to solve things. I love this person but I just feel really betrayed, disappointed, and deeply hurt.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (19 August 2018):
At the start of your post, you said that your boyfriend said that he would give you a chance to work on things. This is what concerns me, because it sounds like both of you have to put in some work if this relationship is going to survive. Why is it you that has to work on things? It takes two to make a relationship work. This is a guy whose answer to problems is to try and hook up with someone on an app; a guy who sees you want to work on things and is happy to have sex with you when vulnerable whilst still insisting you’re off.
In the end I think the only answer for you is to both state what wasn’t working and what needs to change. Both of you need to make real commitments on what will change and what you will do differently, otherwise you’ll carry on replicating something that is failing, holding past sins of whatever kind against each other and never finding more constructive ways to work through your problems. And I’m afraid if you jump straight in to bed together, you’ll simply be using sex to mask those problems. It’s time for lots of talking, and you having a sense of how long you’re prepared to wait for things to change before calling time on the relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
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