A
female
age
51-59,
*ngelalb
writes:I have been married to my husband since 2008. I moved in with him because him and his mom already had a house. She put the down payment and he pays the monthly morgage. His mom is 72 set in her ways and a perfectionist about the cleaniness of the house. She has complained about me and my son to my husband on numerous occasions. My husband knows she has issues and needs to be happy and relax. She has been depressed every since her husband died and she had a boyfriend dump her 2 years ago which made things worse. My dad wont even come down to see me anymore because its too much stress and he recently had a heart attack and doesnt want to feel stressed. Yesterday my husband says for his nieces wedding on New Years eve night. We are going out to breakfast the next morning with the family. Mom said she would get a room with double best so the three of us could share. Its new years eve I want to be in a room alone with my husband I see his mom 24/7 why cant our night out be just us two. We never go out on new years eve we are always home with him, my son, his mom. My husband doesn't see it as a night out he sees it as a family thing, nieces wedding, breakfast with family. He sees no problem with us all sharing a room. He thinks his family will say something if we don't include her because we all live together. I don't agree. Can someone tell me who is right and who is wrong? When I did find out that his mom would order a room I went ahead and ordered one right after I hung up the phone with my husband. I admit it might have been wrong to do it that way but, I did.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Anon reader, I commend you for your devotion to the elder in your family, but your objections make no sense. What's the bride got to do with her guests sleeping arrangements ?? The bride could not care less about where her guests will sleep, and I don't see how choosing decorous sleeping accomodations which respect boundaries and individual privacy can bother the bride or steal her thunder on her big day. It's like oranges and apples.
As for the OP consulting her husband before daring to book their hotel room.. well, I don't know , I guess it depends what they are accostumed to . Does she have to consult her husband also before going shopping for groceries at the supermarket ? Or filling their car with gas ? Or putting up Christmas decorations...? Improbable- in most families that would be within the domain of " ordinary administration "- regular stuff that one does without the need for extensive consultations and negotiations . Same as booking hotel accomodations when needed.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I am going to be the one to tell what you don't want to hear. You are not going out for New Year's Eve, you are going to his niece's wedding to celebrate her marriage, so your husband is right it is a family thing, not a night out for you and your husband. You were wrong in the way you handled this, booking a room straigt away knowing she had one and not discussing it with your husband. I know how hard it is to have his Mum around 24/7 I do because I look after my own mother 24/7, and it drives me nuts at times. My Mum is 75 years old and lost my father 4 years ago. Of course you have a right to spend time with your husband alone, and there is nothing wrong with wanting your own room, but you should be talking to him before making the booking and explaining how you feel. While I understand how you feel, I do think you have picked the wrong time to make an issue out of it. Stop thinking of it as a night out at New Year's Eve, because your not going out to celebrate New Year's Eve, your going to a wedding, it's about the bride and not about you and your relationship. If this become's an issue within the family, you will be the one who is seen as the selfish person, and while normally I wouldn't care at all what other's think, the fact is if someone was so petty about such a thing and caused a fuss over it at my Wedding I would be very unhappy and think that they were a selfish drama queen, even when they weren't. My point is the night of the wedding is not time to make your stand, it is about the bride and groom, not about you and your husband, and certainly not simply for a person to go out and celebrate New Year's Eve! While I understand how you feel, I think it was the wrong situation to make a stand on.
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A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (17 December 2011):
With all due respect, i love my mother in law, but the thought of sharing a room with my husband (2 be) and his mother creeps me out alot. I wouldnt feel.comfortable sleeping in a bed next to.my husband.knowing his mother.is.watching. Why cant she have a room next door? Why does her being included have to mean her sharing your room! Its not right! I suggest you tell her that it doesnt feel right and make sure u get your husband.to back u up, ur supposed to be a teamteam after all. The best thing you could.do wud probably be to.get ur own house but i suppose its not an option if ur financialy tied to.the house.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 December 2011):
 If I think about sharing a room with my husband and his mother, it makes me feel faintly sick. It really is a very odd idea. Just get her a separate room. Where's the problem? Ok, it costs more - but it is a necessity. That way the MIL comes to the party, but you and yr husband have a nice, private time together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): This is ridiculous, you can include her without having her sleep in the same room as you, keep your separate room. Your husband needs to rethink his view on this if he wants to preserve your relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 December 2011):
I think you are absolutely right and this idea of all of you sharing a room is half ludicrous half just bizarre. When you are at home , I suppose you and your husband sleep in your room and your MIL sleeps in hers right ? There is no reason why this should change, unless of course you are in a temporary shelter after a flood or an earthquake and luckily this is not the case. Your MIL is not being " left out ", because she will be attending the wedding and joining the breakfast like everybody else. She is just required to do what she would normally do every day : sleep in her own room.
Of course I realize that sharing a bedroom in 3 will cut down costs , but, pardon my bluntness, if any of you needs to resort to such desperate measures to save a few bucks,..maybe you should not attend the wedding at all and save even more. Or,if your MIL is concerned about the expense for a single room, your husband should offer to pay for her, or at least to contribute .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2011):
 Honestly, I think your husband is wrong, absolutely. I would sit him down (without the MIL near enough to hear) and tell him that you have a NEED/WANT/DESIRE to spend that night just with him, since you are kids free. If he can't understand that I don't know.
His mother sounds absolutely needy and honestly I wouldn't want to be in your shoes and sharing a house with her.
Just because SHE is widowed now doesn't mean that the two of you can not have some alone couples time, one night is NOT going to make her feel left out. She is 72 not 5 years old.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 December 2011):
 i would not share a bedroom with my husband and his Mom and I really really like my mother in law.
A few years ago we attended a big family gathering. We booked 2 connecting bedrooms - one for us, one for the children and we booked a (right beside that) separate room for my mother in law. As it is one of the children insisted on keeping grandma company.
Of course you mother in law should have her own room
However it is time your husband stood up as the MAN to his controlling Mom. Your husband should be the one to show a little backbone and resolve this with his Mom.
And your husband needs to make clear that he is willing to support his Mom and be there for him. But that he will not condone any actions that could, drive a wedge into the marriage
Moms DO need to learn to loosen the apron strings and respect the position of wife and what it means. But such lesson will be better delivered by the Son not the
Daughter in law
Definitely keep you husband informed regarding any issues you may be having with any family problem, especially a mother in law problem.
However please make it quite clear that you seek his support to (a) always maintain a good respectful relationship with his mother in law (b) you do expect him to be the negatiator where there is a problem. His mother would feel less threatened hearing it straight from him
Your job is to convince your husband that you need and deserve time alone with your husband. Perhaps explain in graphic detail why ;) as that might motivate him.
But then it is your husband's role to firmly deal with his Mom about the need for his relationship his wife to be respected and some 'space' allowed, especially on that special day for most couples. And that therefore he will not be sharing a bedroom with his Mom AND his wife because he WANTS to be with his wife.
Also encourage your husband to talk to his Mom about need for his Mom to visit the Doctor to discuss Depression
Because depression is a serious issue and does need medical attention as it affects so many parts of the person's life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): I am on your side with regards to this situation. Yes she is elderly and set in her ways but her son is not a little boy anymore and has you as his wife. She should respect that the two of you would like to be alone, especially with living with her 24/7 you must have the patience of a saint! It isn't right that your own father, who is ill, feels uncomfortable coming to see you. When you married your husband, that house also became your home and I think you should talk to him about how isolated you may become and the strain it could have on your relationship. Your family should be made just as welcome as anyone and your mother in law should respect that.
On New Years you should be able to have an enjoyable time but this can only be resolved by talking to your husband and asking him to have words with his mother, you don't want her to feel you are interferring, she needs to hear it from her son that he wants to spend time with you, it's not a lot to ask for one night. If I were in your shoes I would rather not go at all and invite your father down while they are away!
Best of luck with this situation, must be awkward at times so I hope you are able to come to a good arrangement x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Your Marriage Comes FIRST. Your Family means Husband, You and Son Next. THEN Mom in Law and other Family members.There MUST be a clear boundary as this maintains the MOST important Relationship- YOUR MARRIAGE.Healthy, Happy Successful marriages and couples are healthy, happy and successful because Husband and Wife work together to put the marriage first.This means, Husband and Wife communicate to one another about all matters. IF there seems to be a break down in communication often, time to head to a couples counsellor to get back to listening, validating, and coming up with solutions of a Win/Win situation for the Husband and Wife.Husband and Wife should be making WE Decisions, meaning, ONLY THE TWO OF YOU when it comes to YOUR MARRIAGE.Having a day in the week for Date Night- for Husband and Wife ONLY- where they chat, have fun, do NOT discuss Home, Children, Finances. Ensure you ALWAYS have one on one time to keep the friendship, the love, and lovemaking burning bright.Sorry Husband but As My Dad has said when he learned that when he put his efforts into keeping Mom Happy- He was Happiest! DAD learnt, Women or Wives ask to be loved, cared for, validated, supported, to feel safe, to be treated with kindness and with this, The Woman is happiest and can take care of herself and others in a healthy, postive way.How do you argue against that?Mom is an adult and enjoyed how many years with the Man she loved and never had to share him with her Mother In Law so you won't be hurting her feelings if you say, see you in the Morning Mom.Really, sharing a bed with an adult woman that is NOT YOUR WIFE and IS YOUR MOTHER? Unhealthy and incesuous which indicates some emotional incest is occuring for you to think that is a healthy expectation. Because it sure in the hell is not! I'm thinking its time for you to seek some individual counselling my Chica because Im surprised you haven't gone cuckoo as of yet. And you will need some support ASAP as Husband thinks its healthy and normal to share a room and bed with his Mom and YOU???? OH MY HOLY HECK!!WRONG! ON so many levels. The guy is not right.COUNSELLING and read over the links and decide which links you would like to read over with Husband.Also going to suggest couples counselling ASAP because the whole emotional incest dynamic is clearly a HUGE ISSUE and is NOT HEALTHY. Too many issues need to be addressed.*sighs* Hang in there Babes.*hugs and cocoa*http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=47http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/brwaitgalligher.htmlhttp://www.focusonthefamily.ca/marriage/intimacy-romance/putting-your-spouse-firsthttp://life.familyeducation.com/marriage/relationships/45574.htmlhttp://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/why-should-marriage-come-first-before-your-children
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 To be honest nobody is wrong or right in this situation. It is just a matter of different opinions. I can see both sides in this. You want a night alone with your husband while he does not want to make his mother feel left out. But I guess it is just one of those situations you both need to try and figure out. Why not sit down with his mother and explain to her that you would like to have a night alone with your husband. Tell her it is nothing to do with her and that you don't want her thinking you are leaving her out, just tell her you would feel it would be good for you and your husband to have some alone time. Just sit down with your husband then and tell him you have nothing against his mother and you just want to spend some quality time alone with him.
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