A
female
age
36-40,
*uzzyowl50
writes:Note: I have changed a name in this in the interests of privacy.I am a newlywed who's only been married for 5 weeks, next week is the 6th week of our marriage.We had a nice wedding, small, intimate, and the proposal beforehand was romantic.I've been with my husband since November 2010, when I met him at a local Christmassy event I was attending with six friends. I was 24 then; he was 25.He was a kind, funny guy, had the sort of body I liked, toned, built, even though he was average-looking by some people's standards. Not to me, though. Basically, a male model's body, stereotypical geek face of glasses, and a buzz-cut haircut at the time.Our relationship is a mixed-race one; me, an Indian girl and him, a white guy. It didn't cause a problem with my parents, they're Westernized and born here, they sometimes feel they don't fit in with the Indian community despite looking Indian and being Punjabi Indian.We didn't move in together until December 2014, 4 years later, and the engagement wasn't until December 18 2019 when he did a really lovely proposal in a small restaurant; he'd paid the owners of the small restaurant to get us a screened-off area away from the public and piped some lovely classical music.Then lockdowns and COVID came and our wedding got delayed until all restrictions were lifted, just common-sense on my part.That's the timeline.The big question here relates to something my husband told me yesterday.He said to me "You know you said we can talk about anything together, well, I've got something important to tell you."We had tea, and he admitted to me:"Since May 2001, me and my friend Jane have always met up socially, we've been friends with benefits since March 2003 and always met up together, even right up to the engagement period. Yes, we still continued right up until the lockdown, and then when that Freedom Day thingy, both of them, continued, we still met up. Sure, it was very Brokeback Mountain-like except, obviously, we're straight. I'm really sorry to admit it to you, but I'll show you all the emails.I've known Jane from September 1997 to June 2002 when I was in high school in a town 90 miles away from where we live here near London."I didn't go to the same high school.He went to his laptop, showed me the emails after tea, showing me the emails from his six Gmail accounts he'd created between 2011 and 2017 for various things, and Jane's LinkedIn page and her Instagram.The emails were raunchy and too X-rated to post here, and email etiquette says you shouldn't post them, so I won't.He even admitted breaking lockdown rules to do that, especially with the excuse about shopping (visiting her for sex sessions at a time when it was legally banned). Yes, I know Boris Johnson broke his own lockdown rules but at the time I was cautious with the "Stay at home. Stop the virus. Save lives" messaging, now I'm questioning if I was right to.I was stunned, it got me into stunned silence, I was thinking WTF?Comparing this to Brokeback Mountain? It doesn't even compare to the situation in that movie.As it were, Jane wasn't an über-glamorous girl, but a rather plain-looking blonde girl with slightly thick glasses and wavy blonde hair; she wasn't ugly, but she wasn't like a supermodel. It wasn't as if she was a threat to me.I'm not ugly, but I'm not a supermodel either, but I did occasionally get some attention from guys, a bit fetishistic, unfortunately. Not with my husband, though, he just liked me for who I am/was.I'm Asian, well, Indian, but not from a religious Indian family; very westernized and non-religious.I'd never met Jane, and he'd never mentioned her at all in all the years we'd known each other. Were it not for the confession I wouldn't have even known.I feel deceived, hoodwinked, angry, him with this other woman in the whole time we'd been together as a couple.Now I'm wondering what other skeletons in the cupboard exist.I thought I really knew him well in the 12 years we've been together; our anniversary is coming up on 19th November 2022.We had a good relationship, our sex life was good, life was good (lockdown wasn't so good for us because we weren't allowed to work due to our employers' policies, but we got paid, yet couldn't spend it much, ironically, aside from on food and essentials) so why he did this I don't know.I don't think "friends with benefits" was a popular slang word in 2010 but that's beside the point.I'm feeling really angry, may have to get a divorce soon, but I'm worried about the social embarrassment this may cause - especially as my family spent a lot on our wedding and they really loved him.Now I'm questioning my whole relationship and marriage; did I marry a con-man of sorts?I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, that I had no idea.I feel embarrassed, and only really have my parents, my sister and the six friends who I was with at the Christmas event in 2010 (very good friends) as a support network.But I can't get over the fact I ended up marrying a guy who was seeing his "friend with benefits" for 19 years!What can or should I do about the whole thing?I worry this could make me lose trust in guys; as it is, I never really (uncles and one cousin aside) had male friends.I would like any help you can provide me with, no matter what the advice is.I will try and reply when possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2022): I don't know why he told you unless he's hinting for a permission slip. His logic might be everything was fine with us when I was screwing her, let's keep it that way -- I'll only bang her once in awhile. Maybe the 3 of us can get together -- huh?
So ask him if that's what he's hinting at. Maybe bate him "I read in Cosmo Ménage à trois can be fun once in awhile." Then dump him if that's what he was getting at.
On the other hand if you think he's just coming clean, confessing his sins -- give him a pass. I'm married 30 years and cheated when I was engaged. And I was a good girl before that. And after. Guys that always hit on me I wondered what kind of lovers they were. Then, I better find out now before I get married next year. I'm sure engaged guys fell the same way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2022): Nope, there are absolutely no comparisons between your situation and Brokeback Mountain. In fact, that's a misleading comparison. That was a story about two bisexual cowboys in-love with each-other. Not friends with benefits. The relationship you described is purely heterosexual, and I can't fathom how Brokeback Mountain even comes to mind?
"Now I'm wondering what other skeletons in the cupboard exist."
Deal with the facts at hand. He has come totally clean with you; and his back was against the wall. He had to consider that so much had already been spent on the wedding; and he knew how something like this would have created a world of chaos and outrage. To put it simply, he was covering his own @$$; and couldn't expose the truth beforehand, because he would have lost you and would have owed your parents a lot of money.
This IS a huge shock! It's undeniably a terrible thing to just spring-on your new bride; when he had years to come clean. I know it comes as no consolation; but hopefully the FWB fiasco is over, and he realizes he has completely compromised your trust. I don't know what goes-on in the minds of some people. They know they're doing something terribly wrong that can have huge consequences or repercussions; yet they betray the trust of the people they supposedly love. Yet they expect complete forgiveness and exoneration; just because they spill their guts in a confession!!! Whether it was voluntarily, or under the threat of blackmail. Why couldn't he allow you the benefit of making a choice of going through with the wedding?
It speaks terribly against his credibility and trustworthiness as a human being. I don't even know the guy, and I want to smack him! I'd give him a backhand so hard his face would be staring from the back of head! Please don't hit your husband, you could wind-up in jail! I'm not really a man of violence; but it certainly brings back memories of when I caught my partner of five years in bed with someone. I forgave that one incident, but never again! That partner died of cancer many years later. Not without redeeming himself for that breach of trust. I can't say he never did it again; but I never caught him. He knew fully the consequences, if I did. Nonviolent, but definitely no likelihood I would just let it go. It would be instantly over!!! I'd forgive only for God's sake; and the fate of my soul in the hereafter. God forgives us for our sins, and demands we forgive others. Just let them go, or love them from a distance.
You have to do what your heart tells you to do, not what we suggest you do. You gave a really lovely description of him and your relationship prior to the discovery of this issue. I detect true-love when people say beautiful things about their significant other; despite some horrible things they've done. Maybe I should have skipped your post; because I'm a scorched-earth, hold no prisoners kind of guy; but somehow I sense this marriage is salvageable. Your future does not hinge on my opinion; I don't know either of you.
I know it would seem dubious to claim myself scorched-earth on the one-hand, and tell you your situation is salvageable. It's going to be a long road to forgiveness, and distrust is a very high wall to climb. He has shown you all of the communications and exchanges; but I'm not sure what he hopes it will accomplish "after-the-fact???" It's surely worthy of an annulment; but that's really up to you. If you know deep in your hearth that there is no-way you'll ever accept this; don't waste your time or his, get an annulment or a divorce. Speak to an attorney before you make a decision about it. There is a difference between an annulment and a divorce.
If you decide to divorce, I wouldn't blame your parents if they sued him. This is along the same psychological implications as having a mistress while you're married. It takes a certain mindset to be able to subdue your conscience, completely hide the truth, and to have the nerve to keep it going for several years. Don't lose that evidence, keep it!
Weigh your pros and cons, and definitely consult with a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 May 2022):
 "You know you said we can talk about anything together, well, I've got something important to tell you.""
He should have told you this BEFORE getting engaged or married.
What a bag of dicks!
You can probably get an annulment instead of a divorce due to the short marriage so far.
My advice? Talk to your parents. Ask them what they think.
Personally? I would divorce/annul ASAP.
"I worry this could make me lose trust in guys; as it is, I never really (uncles and one cousin aside) had male friends."
Nah, OP not all men act like this. You can't hold HALF the world's population responsible for your husband being a sleazy con artist.
"I don't think "friends with benefits" was a popular slang word in 2010 but that's beside the point."
Oh, that is nothing new OP. FWB was definitely around in 2010. Even if that is irelevant.
You can't trust him any further than you can throw him. That is for sure. He might still be sneaking around to see her.
While I'm normally not a "sue them" kind of person, I would for sure talk to a lawyer to see if you have grounds for taking him to the cleaners to recoup some of the money your parents spend on the wedding.
I'm so sorry, OP
HE is a total doo-doo-head.
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