A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so, me and this guy "D" were dating for about a week before I found out he had been cheating on me with two girls. This happened around 6 months ago. ''D'' and I really haven't talked much since then until a couple days ago when I decided to ask him to hang out with me and a few friends. So far we've been getting along pretty good. I was texting him the other night and we were talking about what happened when we dated (why he cheated on me, if he would have done things differently, etc.). He explained how horrible he felt, and how he was trying to break it off with the two other girls because he didn't feel the way he did for me towards them (still doesn't make it right, but yea lol). I told him how I felt like a fool because of what he did, and how humiliated I felt for being so gullible. After a few hours of talking, we worked it all out for the most part and decided to try and be friends again. Seems fine right? Not exactly.. The problem is.. I'm considering asking him to be friends with benefits with me (but have the whole "what happens between us stays between us" thing). The reason is because, well, he somehow knows exactly what "gets me going" and he turns me on unlike anyone else (I'm 17, but I've chosen to stay a virgin till I meet the right guy). So we haven't had sex, or even gone past any clothing, but he still somehow drives me up the wall). What I'm afraid of happening is either him telling his friends, or me growing feelings for him again. Would a FWBs deal be a bad idea? Would a guy like that idea or would they think it's weird? And how would I go about bringing it up and asking him without making it seem awkward?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's actually a very good way of putting it and you're very right =) thank you so much for helping me make this decision. I'm not gonna do it. Now that I think of it that way, it's actually a very dumb and immature thing to do lol (this is referring to CaringGuy's response)
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Got your response. I'm a male, so I know what guys will see.
You say you're waiting for the right guy. What if the right guy knows you're messing around, and walks past you. That's what will happen.
The right guy can only be the right guy if you are there ready for him. But you won't be if you've got this FWB things going on. Instead, the right guy will think you're not bothered, and will walk by.
So, if you're serious about wanting the right guy,, forget the wrong guy now.
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A
female
reader, Blod +, writes (29 January 2011):
 Generally, friends with benefits ends in disaster. It never seems to work out happily. Someone always falls for the other person, when the other just wants to use that person for sex.
You haven't lost your virginity yet. Having sex for the first time with him would make him more than just a FWB for you. He's had sex before and, I'm sorry to be so blunt but, you'd more than likely be just another girl for him.
I 100% agree with the other posts. It'd be better for you to find someone who loves you as you are and to save yourself for him. FWB relationships are very, very dodgy. You deserve to be treated with respect, so don't offer yourself on a plate for anyone! Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't plan on sleeping with him because, like I said before, I'm waiting for the right guy.. Someone I wouldn't regret losing it to, and he's definitely not the one for me. I just mean like, a little fooling around. Nothing serious. Also, I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon, which is why I don't think it'll get out of hand to the point where I want to date him again. And as a response to the "don't drink too much alcohol" thing, I really don't like alcohol, so I only ever drink maybe once every like, 5-8 months and have only been drunk 3 times lol and even then, I'm still a pretty smart drunk, so I wouldn't do anything with anyone unless I was dating them, and I'd only go as far as I'm comfortable with. I'm really self conscious, although I'm told I have no reason to be (I'm not over weight/under weight, I've been told I'm no where near ugly by a lot of people, and I've got a good list of people who constantly tell me they think I'm really cute, pretty, beautiful, or gorgeous lol) so I'm not all too comfortable with going very far with anyone, and I've only ever gone past clothing with two people.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Completely terrible idea and even worse for you to suggest it. You will look like you have low self esteem and you will look easy. No man will ever respect you. I sure hope you decide against it.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Hi there. A Friends With Benefits relationship is really a very bad idea.
I am guessing that you understand how it works, do you?
There's no love in it - certainly not for the guy anyway. Usually the girl starts falling in love though.
Compared to a regular relationship where two people date exclusively, an FWB relationship is meeting for sex and nothing more. After the event, you both go your separate ways. It's completely shallow. It lacks any sincerity.
Another thing is the guy who's in the FWB might have other FWB's all going on at the same time! There's no way in the world you will ever know that.
If a guy does see a girl for sex (FWB), he calls her up and asks to see her. He might not say what he wants, but it's usually pretty clear. These kind of relationships could go on for weeks or months, or at least until the girl realizes what is happening and then suddenly one day says "No" to him, at which time he finds someone else to have an FWB with. So you can see why I don't recommend it. It's a case of easy come easy go.
After a few episodes of seeing each other for sex, the girl really wants more than just empty sex, but the guy doesn't. So it means a lot of upset and disappointment for the girl.
Also with FWB's there's no going out to nice places, dinner, picnics, shows, movies, and getting to know you properly. That just doesn't happen at all. It's sex and nothing more. The guy doesn't even spend any money on the girl either.
As you say that you are virgin at the moment, although you said he turns you on, don't let it become an FWB. If you do, it means that you have no self respect.
FWB's are just men using women for sex. That's all it is.
Save your virginity for someone who respects you properly, and treats you well. Just don't go there at all.
Although I realize he didn't suggest it, you are only thinking of suggesting it.
Keep your virginity for someone special, that you genuinely care about.
When you meet that special man, don't jump into bed with him too soon. Make sure he does treat you right, spends money on you, takes you to nice places. Really get to know that special man well, which could take several months. Don't go beyond kissing - don't let a guy touch you intimately, until you are absolutely sure you know what you are doing is the right thing.
So "NO" is the short answer to an FWB with this friend of yours. Don't suggest it to him at all. Don't encourage him to touch you intimately either, just don't put yourself in that situation, then you won't go too far. You don't want to lose control of your actions, so don't drink too much alcohol either, then you won't risk that happening. You need to stay aware of your actions at all times.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
This is a hugely bad idea on your behalf. Hugely bad. FWB only works when neither person has real feelings, and neither have caused each other pain. so, if you'd never met him before, it would stand a better chance.
But there is bad history here. This guy made it clear with his cheating that he had no respect for you at all. He hasn't even broken up with these two other girls.
This guy humiliated you, made a mockery of you, laughed at you, treated you like dirt. He'll only treat you like dirt now.
You are at an age where your reputation will start to stick. If you allow guys like this to use you as they please, and if you chase guys like this, better men will label you with some nasty words, and you'll not get a decent guy. Do not underestimate how much a woman's reputation can tarnish her if she has made bad decisions. The world of relationships isn't forgiving of women as much as it is men. It's actually easier for a man to make mistakes, because women are more open minded and forgiving of men. However, both men and women will judge women harshly. You will meet men who'll laugh at you because you allowed yourself to be used. I have a few friends who are girls and have gone down the FWB route, or have allowed themselves to be used, and no matter how nice they are, they are seen as weak with no confidence by a lot of people.
Keep your self respect. A man might be able to push your buttons, but it's meaningless if you get nothing from it.
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