A
female
age
36-40,
*nney
writes:I moved into a new place and caught a glimpse of a guy who is lives few blocks away. I was very drawn to him. Only on the fourth time i saw him completely to realise he didn't have an arm. I was shattered! i was hurt and felt like throwing up. I didn't know what to do as i'm still drawn to him. i don't know whether is a coincidence or a sign but when i'm just looking down the balcony or out of the window i end up see him walk down the street, on a average i see him twice a day!! which is weird. I haven't seen anyone in the neighborhood as much as i've seen him you wouldn't believe it but now i can even recognise his clothes! forget our neighbourhood today i even spotted him in the city... In past i've dated college seniors, a model even a guy from army. Is it wrong to be attracted to this guy? how do i approach him in a way that he wouldn't feel bad. i don't know if my parents will let me marry him but i'm so attracted to him since the start i can't forget about it without giving it a shot.
View related questions:
moved in, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012): I honestly think if u felt like throwing up at the thought of his arm.....then u shouldn't give this man false hopes.perhaps you r courious about him or feel simpathy,don't confuse having feelings for someone with simpathy they are not the same and you should kno the difference.the biggest concern here is him getting his feelings hurt.don't do that,kno body likes to get their feelings hurt.I was in a very long and serious relation ship with a man who has deformed hands and is missing a leg but I never felt like throwing up at the thought of him...he's a complete man in my eyes and if u don't feel that way about this person perhaps u shouldn't bother.
A
female
reader, anney +, writes (23 November 2009):
anney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is nice to have your(AlwaysHope) comment too :)We have walked together home twice ;) Things are going smoothly... he has a positively infectious personality! he can right any bike or drive any car! cars are right seated in our country. I'm gonna ask him to drive me around very soon as i don't drive! We have not spoken about his arm still, We are so excited to bump into each other most of the times we talk whatever comes to our minds. Right now everything is platonic but when we will graduate to the next level I guess we will have to deal with a few things. We get quite flustered around each other! :P Thanks guys for all your help. This is beautiful!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, AlwaysHope  +, writes (16 November 2009):
I can't tell you how often I have felt badly because someone didn't go out with me because they were somehow anxious about the fact that I have one leg. I know that it is human for people to have feelings about it, because it happens all the time. But if you like the guy, you certainly should not let those anxieties get in the way. The bad thing is that you get used to people treating you differently and assuming that it would be somehow weird to go out, and eventually you give up.
Most of all he wants to be seen as a whole person, not just as a guy with a stump. It's clear that you like him, so I would say that you should definitely go for it. This is 2009 and you should go past the lone eye contacts and just ask him to go out. I bet he will jump at the chance.
Treat him like a whole person he is and your anxiety should go away. Don't pretend that you never noticed that his arm is missing though- it's fine to ask him about it. Questions are always fine, as long as it is clear that you see the rest of him too. Honest, open questions are fine and help establish a sort of intimacy. Showing a guy my stump and letting him touch it when the time comes has helped make us closer and it can be sexy. There's nothing to worry about except your own anxiety, and perhaps his. Go for it!
Why worry about your parents? It's not a big deal. Besides, worrying about marriage when you are only in the soulful glances stage is just a little bit premature.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, AlwaysHope +, writes (16 November 2009):
I am an amputee, and I agree with everyone who said that you should treat like anyone else. He's a guy, and a guy you like- he's not just a missing arm.
It's natural to have feelings about his amputation. There's nothing wrong with having feelings. It's OK to talk to him about it and ask questions too, as long as it's clear that you recognize it is one little aspect of who he is. Don't pretend that he doesn't have a stump. That would be as wrong as making a big deal about it.
He is probably proud of all the things he can do without help, so don't volunteer help unless he clearly might need it. But if you help him with something, ask first, and just do it in a matter of fact way if he wants help. Guys especially don't like help doing thing they can do.
I can tell you that I HATE when guys are afraid to ask me out because of my leg. There's no reason to be afraid. I'm just a person. I love when the ask questions about it and just accept it as part of me.
If you like him and he is a good guy, you are all set. Go have a good time! Don't forget to keep us posted on how things go.
...............................
A
female
reader, anney +, writes (13 November 2009):
anney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know anyone who knows him but since we live in the same neighbourhood I'm gonna make the most of it! :) Thanks to all of you, seeing this from different perspectives was very important..I'm much more confident yet normal now!News is we exchanged a long stare today! :P I'm taking it nice and slow.. I'll keep you updated ;)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): here's how you do it--
NEVER BRING IT UP. and then one day, you will awkwardly have to talk about it and then you say "holy shit!" and run away.
just kidding, just let him bring it up and then you can openly talk about it. odds are, he knows he doesn't have an arm, and will bring it up when he realizes that you really want to be with him. yay for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): give yourself the time you need to be comfortable then and go for it. If you arent uncomfortable you wont make him uncomfortable. Dont worry about doing something dumb...so what if you offer to shake hands...he has a hand. And probably you will both have a good chuckle at any gaffe and go on. Good luck and keep us posted. Mal
...............................
A
female
reader, anney +, writes (12 November 2009):
anney is verified as being by the original poster of the question Its not like I've never been with a handicap before, My colleague has a hearing problem too i've spoken to him quite a few times even though we've don't work in the same team. It has never bothered me, I even considered dating him but realised he was a religious extremist which didn't go down with me. We still continue to be friends. With his hearing aid he can hear the faintest of the bitching that goes on at workplace which we always joke about! Then there was a classmate of mine in school days who lost voluntary action of her limbs due to brain damage. I used to have the most candid of the conversations with her. That girl is a teacher today.
By saying "i was hurt and felt like throwing up" was that I had seen him before and had not noticed. He is always well dressed and cheerful. Somewhere I mentally named him happy go lucky guy.He still is that but realising on the fourth time that he didn't have an arm made feel bad, i felt careless in a way for not noticing before. In a way its good that i didn't bother noticing.
I sort of figured out that he lost his right arm in an accident 6 months back. Somewhere I'm nervous that I'll goof up by offering him a handshake or talking something hurtful. Once the fuss is out of my head and I look at him just the normal way I did it for the first time I think I'll approach him. I think I'll be myself then..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): he's just a human being. I'm just not sure you are the girl for him.. the "i was hurt and felt like throwing up" comment bothers me a lot. I see people with handicaps every day. I never feel like throwing up. I may initially feel compassion for them but truthfully by the time I have been with them for a short length of time i tend to forget the handicap, because they don't make an issue of it. My husband has bad hearing in his left ear, but he has learned to compensate. Most handicapped peaople have also learned to compensate to the extent that it comes naturally to them. If it is something that you feel sick or horrified about, please do not approach him. He will know it immediatly and it will not make him interested in you and will only be hurtful. If you can get past your initial feelings....sure thing, check out your options using the tips that the other aunties and uncles have given you. mal
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): I see it as two issues- how to contact him and how to behave with him. The second one is easy. The guy is a aware he is an amputee. You dont have to worry about accidentally referring to his missing arm and him being crushed by the sudden realization that his arm is missing. He knows its gone. After a couple of dates he will probably feel comfortable in discussing it with you.The first one is all logistics. How you strike up the initial conversation. A good way would be to meet through a mutual friend. Do you know any of his relatives to introduce you? Do you know a shop he goes to? For lunch or for coffee? Perhaps you could stake out that location and arraneg to be at the next table. Bring something with you that will allow a conversation- maybe a book or a sketch pad. People cannot resist looking other people's drawings. Maybe you have your camera with you and have been out taking pictures in the city all day that he might be interesting in look at.
...............................
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (11 November 2009):
 If you had only 1 arm, would you want people to treat you different to everyone else?!
He is the person who has to live with it, so if anything i expect he's used to people talking about it or staring, just don't make a big deal out of it, it really doesn't matter. Having 2 arms is over-rated anyways :)
If YOU feel uncomfortable with it, then don't even think about pursuing this man.
If you are fine with it, then do whatever it is you do when you date other men with 2 arms, just go up to him, start a conversation some how, just don't worry about it.
He might not even be available. Just because he has 1 arm doesn't mean he hasn't got a life or a lover.
Bite the bullet and ask him for a coffee or something, see what happens.
Good luck!! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (11 November 2009):
 i wouldn't say you love it... that may come off the wrong way, and would probably make him feel uncomfortable.
Treat him as a normal human being. YOU have to be comfortable with him. Only talk about it if he brings it up, or ask him about it. He's going to know you notice, and if you are uncomfortable with it, he will surely be uncomfortable with it.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anney +, writes (11 November 2009):
anney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour responses have been insightful. In past four years I've gone out with 2 guys who asked me out and I've never asked anyone out. May be I'm nervous of making a move. Maybe I'll casually ask him to help me around the neighbourhood as it looks like he's living from a long time. Thanks BettyBoup for the tip! :) Thanks everyone. I do realise I'm fussing too much about him :P
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Don't make a point of it but don't ignore it completely, say that you love it xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Hi there.Why is it an issue for you that he doesn't have an arm? If he did have both his arms what would you do? Would you just go and talk to the guy? It shouldn't make a difference if you're attracted to him. Th guy has to live without his arm and he deserves someone who will love him as he is. Arm or no arm. It shouldn't be an issue!I think maybe you're getting ahead of yourself wondering whether your parents would let you marry him. You havn't met him yet. I'd say if you're really interested and you bump into him one day just casually introduce yourself and say you're new to the neighbourhood. I wouldn't get too caught up on the guy when you might not even get on personality wise, and you might not be his type. If you meet him, talk to him, see what happens.
...............................
A
female
reader, Louise-uk +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Hello.Why would he feel uncomfortable if you began dating? And why would it be wrong to date this guy? Physical appearance should not determine who we date, and although some people may not be able to look beyond appearance, it seems like you can. You should approach this guy as you would anyone else. He isn't any different. Also, with reference to your parents. Can they determine who you date? And would they focus on physical appearance? Surely they should be glad to see you happy, no matter who you date? You're obviously attracted to him, and although you should be conscious of his appearance, you should not give it much more thought!Good luck, go for it !!
...............................
|
