A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months. He has been separated for three years. His wife had an affair and now has a partner and two very young children. They have an 18 year old who lives with her.He assured me when we met that he has no feelings for her and that the divorce was under way and almost finalised but complicated as he has a business and needs to sign the house over to her. I am getting fed up now. Every time I gently broach the subject he gets agitated and says he will do it in his own time. She was pushing for a quick divorce as she wanted to remarry but now it seems she is not bothered as she may split up from her partner. He wants us to rent out our places and buy a place together. I cant move in with a separated man as it feels all wrong. He denies its financial but he says its a lot of hassle to sort out thats all. I get the impression she calls the shots and will decide when and where.Now I feel I cant even mention her or the divorce without him getting angry or shutting down. It feels all wrong :(
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 I totally didn't think of something before when I gave my previous answer, and I usually don't miss financial stuff like this:
I had to wonder why at 9 months he was so willing to buy a house yet shutting down when it comes to divorce, and a lightbulb went off.
If he has a business, and he's not divorcing to avoid giving her half of it plus alimony or signing the house to her, he'd need a financial "shelter" to drop his money into. According to the laws in the UK, a separated couple can have a document signed protecting property purchased outside the marriage if divorce were intended.
What better way to funnel and hide assets from your spouse than to buy a house with an outside party? I think he's wanting to use you, OP, as a means to hide assets from his wife. Has he had you hold onto money or stocks or other things before? Has he asked you to go in on a car, or stocks, or real estate, or a timeshare, or a joint bank account? Be very very very careful here. He's really slippery, I mean moray eel slippery. I mean Wet Labrador Retriever slippery.
Do not combine anything. Not credit cards, not bank accounts, not anything. If he's talked about that, then he is using you to hide assets, and I don't know about you, but using a relationship to try and hide assets from your wife is disgusting.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 November 2013):
 I agree with YOUWISH.
"separated" doesn't mean no longer married. It means NOT divorced yet and still technically married.
I would not move in with a guy unless the divorce is final. I would NEVER buy a house with a guy who is still married, because it means when he DOES divorce that house is part of his assets.... which means his ex wife would get a share of the house. No way I'd play THAT game.
Stay in your OWN home til he is really divorced, IF you intend to continue to date him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): It is all wrong. You should leave this relationship.
Tell him you are not sharing ownership of property with a married man! If he won't get divorced already then as far as you are concerned he is INELIGIBLE to be doing any of this "starting a new life" stuff.
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A
female
reader, Bazinga  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 I'm not sure how it works in the UK but here if you bought a house with a married man/woman their spouse is entitled to half of the property if your partner passes away or divorces. You will lose out. If you decide to buy a home with this man do NOT do it before he is divorced, otherwise may see yourself homeless.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2013): He's been separated for three years, business or not, that's a long time. I wouldn't buy a home with him until he is divorced & even then you might want to reconsider. You should be able to talk to him about anything without him shutting down and getting angry.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2013):
 Basically, take back your power, you are feeling helpless because you have handed over your timetable to a married dude. Clear as that.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 November 2013):
Why don't you get angry and shut down when he talks about buying a house together? I have to laugh at him doing that to you when he's the dude who's still married and financially tied to his spouse.
I would probably tell him to get his personal life sorted out and that nothing would happen in terms of living together or major purchases or anything like that until he was divorced. You don't have to go on and on about it, just tell him the once and then, if he can't manage to sort it out in a reasonable amount of time, let him go.
Set YOUR time-table and YOUR future on YOUR terms, not hers.
Lots of red flags here. I think I'd be thinking of ending the relationship, it's only been 9 months and he's still pfaffing around with his ex financially? Weird weird weird.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Girlfriend, don't sacrifice your life's earnings into buying anything with him.. his wife by law will take it all, believe me I've been with a separated guy for last three years and I was advised by my lawyer not to combine nor invest collectively until he was divorced and financially in the clear as a single man. Forget his past life, it will drive you bonkers and eat away at your relationship, just simply to remember that he is a man and you are a woman and you enjoy each other, forget the labels, know how much you can give and know when to back off, fill your life with good friends and don't commit your life to him as you will lose sight of what is happening. Enjoy yourself and if he truly wants you he's got to get that divorce because you are worthy of being a part of his life, remember he is only a part of your life and not your life...goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): He may be being a bit lazy about getting round to it. Or, he is struggling with the final nail in the coffin (so to speak) of his marriage. Or, it gives him some control over the fact his (ex) wife is unable to marry till the divorce is done. Either way, it is unfair to you and when you bring it up, it agitates him, because you are highlighting a 'fault' he currently has regarding your relationship.I suggest to you, that you tell him, that after 'this' conversation, you are not going to bring the subject up again, and that you will leave it to him to sort out in his own time, however, you will not be investing your heart in to the relationship any further, and you will not be taking the relationship any further forward till it is done. You will leave it to him to let you know, when he has the final document of divorce. Then, in your heart and mind, consider you are dating a separated man, and do not invest any more of yourself into this, till he is divorced
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): Absolutely don't even consider buying a place with him until his divorce is final. If you do your property could be considered as part of his divorce settlement. No chance! If I were you I'd speak to him one more time. Tell him you will not discuss moving your relationship forward until he is legally single and end the conversation until he takes action. If he doesn't, then you know he's not serious about you and you should move on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 November 2013):
He lied to you to get to you. That's what feels wrong. Also, unless he's divorced, he's a married man. He told you that the divorce was "underway". That was a lie.
Whether or not his wife had an affair is irrelevant. All that matters is your choices. If this guy lies to you, how can you trust what he says anyways?
So he's wanting to buy a place with you and rent out your places, right? Really? Buying a place with a guy who still has legal community property ties with his wife? No way. You do that, and you put your own assets at risk.
He needs a finalized divorce before you buy, sell, join bank accounts, buy stock, invest in a company, whatever. You are very much at risk, and he's using you to hedge his bets, and he's using his wife to hedge them as well.
If it's been three years since he separated, he's not going to do it. Doesn't matter if it's financial (i.e. no child support or doesn't want to give up his company to her) or not. He cannot make any promises to you unless he stops being married.
For all of this nonsense, you have been with a married man for 9 months.
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