A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereJust wanted some advise really. I'm married and have been for 20 years. Feeling very taken for granted by husband which is normal I suppose. I know he loves me but we've had serious trust issues over the years. He's broken my trust over the past years. He went on holiday with a friend behind my back pretending it was a business trip. This was 11 years ago and it took a long time to get over it. Also he's had a work colleague show him interest in the past and he possibly had an affair though he would never tell me if he had.Again we've worked through it and have seemed happy recently. We have 2 children who we adore. The problem really is now, I am attracted to someone. I met this man because he did some work at our house a couple of months ago. I got on well with him and that was it. 2 weeks ago we were messaging because he was again doing some work at our house, he started flirting with me and I enjoyed it. In the past few days our texts have become intimate, him saying he wants me and what he would like to do etc. he also makes me laugh a lot. I am thinking about him loads and the desire is red hot. I feel I'm close to an affair with him though the last 2 days he hasn't been in contact even though I've messaged him and even rang him. Maybe he's changed his mind. He's also in a relationship which he's unhappy in or so he says.I'm thinking maybe he's not bothering now because he thinks I'm not going to go that far. He knows I'm attracted to him as I've told him but I've also made it clear that its dangerous territory. Who am I kidding I know I want him too. When I rang him it goes through to his voicemail. Just need advise in how to forget him and go back to how I was before all this. I do love my husband but maybe after 20 odd years our relationship is a bit stale. Just wondering if anyone else has been in a situation like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): I am the poster of this question. Many thanks for your comments to you both. They make a lot of sense. I will not contact this man again as I know deep down it isn't going to get me anywhere. An affair might seem exciting but the reality would be so very different. I don't want to cause hurt to my husband and certainly not my children. My husband is very affectionate towards me and a great provider, I cannot fault him there. It's also possible he didn't take things as far as an affair with this work colleague, some things in life I guess we will never know for sure.What I need to focus on is now and our marriage. Our sex life has never been a problem so that's a good start in any case. Talking and enjoying each other is what needs to happen now. Maybe a date night would be a good idea. Bringing some excitement back into our life can only be a good thing as long as its only with each other.Again thank you for your comments, you have helped immensely.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): You have a very typical story. The lonely neglected wife, the philandering husband, and the tit-for-tat affairs.
You and your husband have reached a lull in your relationship.
He takes you for granted, and you are grasping for some fulfillment; and starving for attention. It was a good thing the workman stopped. Hopefully, it isn't because your husband caught on. This is your life, not a romance novel.
You had better take this situation seriously.
People will advise you to communicate. The problem is, people don't really know how. He will never tell you the truth, and he will not validate your feelings. You probably don't know how to tell him that you're unhappy without becoming extremely emotional. He probably withdraws and avoids you when you do. What are you supposed to do when your marriage reaches this impasse?
Try to find a way to reach out to him and find out what he's thinking and what he needs that you haven't given to him. Just tell him that he neglects you and you suspect he has cheated; but will never tell you the truth about it.
In a nutshell, you don't trust him anymore. You simply admit that your love is strained for him. Just getting along isn't enough. You have to love each other fully, or leave each other.
Standing still and not moving forward is a dead marriage. You're using your kids as your only life-line. How long before that doesn't work anymore? Anything strained eventually breaks.
Tell your husband that unless you can get to the bottom of things there is no way you can stay in this marriage, and neither of you are happy. It's stifling you and you can't stand it. Every adult in a long-term relationship reaches this point.
So you work on one small issue at a time. You face the fact that ironing out marital problems takes patience; because it takes a long time to first get out the truth. Then you have to figure out what to do with it once you get the truth. You really don't need proof he cheats, because he neglects you. What you need is proof that he still loves you. He says it, but you're not sure if you still really love him. If you really have to admit it. You wouldn't have tried to hook up with the workman if you loved your husband so much.
Don't let anyone try to tell you that you can sit down and pour out every problem you have, and work it out in one day. It takes, weeks, month, even years. A lot of effort on both parts. He has to give and take, and so do you.
You have to talk about sex, the kids, you talk about finances, you talk about the future; and whether you both see each other still there in it together.
If you look into the future and you can't see him there; start working on preparing yourself to take care of yourself. If you're not working, time to get a job and build your own financial independence. Sounds like married life sucks. You may have to be a single-working mother.
You admit that you are smothered and unhappy. So take a 30- minute time out after dinner every other night. Talk about your day. Discuss a recent problem. KEEP IT BRIEF. Start nagging and the talks will turn into arguments. No one listens when they're too long and emotional. Men have a short attention span when you're nagging. He doesn't express outward emotion and doesn't know how to deal with yours.
So short and sweet is how you communicate.
You keep conversations about problems short and you'll keep anger out of it, or at least to a minimum. You touch each other to reassure each other. If you can't do this, your marriage is dead; and you should start considering a divorce.
Marriages only work when you both make a concerted effort. Not sneak around behind each others backs getting what you need from other people. You may as well be divorced and single.
You need to read books, attend seminars, and find out what you need to do to repair it; or dump it altogether. Walking around like zombies oblivious to each other isn't cutting it. Is it? If you have to do it alone, and he isn't apart of the effort to save your marriage; he has, in effect, admitted he wants a divorce. Plain and simple.
So save your marriage or dispose of it. Each and every relationship is different. The thing that remains constant is; either we love each other, or we don't.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (16 May 2013):
I've never been married but do know people who've been married as long as you have. 20yrs is a looong time. You've had issues in your marriage but admit to still loving you're husband. That's a good thing. This guy is with someone too and affairs very rarely have a happy ending. Maybe all he wants is a fling. Is that was YOU want? Think about that carefully. Txting and flirting is treading on dangerous ground. Don't be tempted to continue should he make contact. Distance yourself from him before it goes any further. Work on your marriage. Try couples therapy. I've heard it helps. Think of your kids and how an affair or divorce will affect them. I'd fight to stay married to the man I love. Marriage is not easy so I hear, but it's like a business partnership. You've both got to invest in it to prosper.
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