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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: So I've learned now that I am not worth that much to my husband and in a great deal of pain. I'm very depressed and lonely. I am not ready to leave this relationship at this time. I don't want another man in my life and I don't want to make friends. I've lost all faith in finding caring people who actually love me for me, or that appreciate me at all. So right now, I just want to be "by myself" or at least able to be by myself (even if my husband is at home, but not paying any attention to me as it seems to be where we are now.)What are some tips on being in solitude? I just need to be me all alone. My husband has lots of friends that he talks to all day online, through a headset. It gets under my skin because it is hard to be all alone while listening to someone else have a good time. I don't like going out, and I am poor so I can't go driving around or shopping or taking classes. I just want to be able to be in my house and enjoying my time without feeling jealous and left out. I think if I can do that then maybe I will start to heal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, but I know quite a bit about depression since I am already in treatment for my illness and I have been since I was 12 years old. And I'm sorry that I am not one of the ill who says "I am powerless to my illness," because that is not true. Yes, you can power through depression. You can say "This will not beat me. I will not let it beat me." You force yourself out of bed. You force yourself to eat something, even if it is acid in your mouth and makes you nauseous. You force yourself to hide in the bathroom when the panic attacks and weeping fits come while you're at work. When the suicidal thoughts come, which I've battled for the majority of my life and survived, you scream at them and attack them and you fight that battle with every last breath. Even if the only tool you have to fight with "I won't do this today because I have an important assignment due tomorrow," or other stupid pointless things. You fight, or youd die at your own hand. I know this. I am a warrior at battling myself, or I wouldn't even be here right now to ask a question. I /refuse/ to give up. Thank you.
Secondly, I'm not trying to change my husband. My husband changed 2 months ago. He /was not like this/ at all. It is like an alien came down in the night and replaced him. It is like his soul got sucked out. I just want him to come back. Not change. He was prefectly fine before he met his new "friends." It is equivilant to one day you're normal and the next day you're addicted to meth. I'm not trying to change anyone. I am just waiting to see if he is still in there.
And finally, I know how people see me because they make it clear. They don't invite me to fun outings. They don't talk to me or respond when I speak at them directly. I get 0 help or support from them for my illness, never have, never will.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 If you are depressed , you can't "power through " depression. First, because if you'd have the strength to just " power through " your difficulties, well, then you would not be depressed to begin with, you'd just snap into "powering through " mode, second, because powering through depression is a way of masking it or denying it, you may temporarily cover the symptoms while leaving the core issue untouched and unresolved , and your depression latent and ready to show up again even worse when you least you expect it.
What you need, is medical care.Maybe talk therapy will be enough, may be you'll be told to try meds, - but you need to attend to what is a serious health issue.
In fact, I think maybe is the other way around, it's because you are depressed, and have such a negative view of yourself, your life and your potential, that what your husband and his dickheads friends do and say , is affecting you so much.If you make in your head that your husband is the sole rersponsible for your happiness and wellbeing ( because you can't find other sources within or around you ) of course anything he says or does will have a huge , tragic , paralyzing impact on you . Otherwise, who knows, maybe you'd say :oh well that's just my immature husband and his dickhead friends, what can you do, - ( add eye roll and shrug ) ..OR, you'd decide you had enough and want out, and you'd leave him.
I also think that your need of solitude is only in part genuine, maybe deep down you just want to sulk and get a reaction out of him. Because you could stay home, and use ear plugs, or head phones ( I do it all the time, I don't particularly want to feel isolated... but I have college girls living upstairs :). Or you could go to the public library, or to a park, or in a church, or for a long walk... you don't need any money for doing that .
Ultimately, please remember that we can only change ourselves, not other people. You say you don't want to make new friends and don't want to meet a new man. Ok, cool , your choice. BUT you want to change your husband into someone he is not, and if you count on that change ,as the only way to lift yourself from your depression.... I am afraid you risk being depressed for a long time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, it isn't just my husband who makes me feel this way. It is my entire family my entire life. I am the "black sheep." Plus all my "friends" used to do the same thing to me all the time. I'm the one that everyone rolls their eyes when I talk, etc. At work my bosses make it very clear that although I'm intelligant I'm not good enough or worth enough, and they hold firing me over my head constantly, because I do have a chronic illness and they don't seem to care that they demand more than I am capable of doing, but I need my job and with the economy right now I can't just quit.
Also, even strangers on the street behave this way toward me a great deal of the time. I'm actually a very outgoing and cheerful person. But I guess I have an aura about me that puts people off. It's been that way since I was little. I never remember a time when people were not put off by me. People always trying to change me.
Also, I'm exactly who I was before I met my husband. I have a very strong personality. I have been working on my art a great deal, working out more, reading, and doing all the things I normally enjoy even though I don't particularly find joy in them right now. I know I am suffering depression, I have all the symptoms, so that is not my concern. I know the thing to do is power through it.
The reason I'm not ready to leave is because I"m not ready. I don't want to give up entirely just yet. I keep hoping that he will snap out of it, because it didn't used to be this way. He usd to be the one person who wasn't put off by me. It has only been a couple of months, so, I"m hoping this is some sort of phase and he will come back.
If he doesn't ever come back, then I don't know what will happen. But I am heartbroken and I am depressed. So I just want to try to show that him treating me this way won't kill me. I already told him I'm angry at him for this. I have made some new friends, but I'm just very cautious with them because I know how people are with me. And also I know I'm depressed, so I don't want to be "a downer."
But I think some progress is made. I had put up my picture on some social sites that his so called "friends" can see. He didn't say anything at first. It's been about a week. Then he comes up and says to me, "you should probably change your pictures because some of my haters might photoshop them or use them to hurt you, and I don't want them doing that to you." I know this happens because him and his "friends" did it to another girl, (yet another thing he never would have done before he met these "friends.") So I felt like he cared enough to tell me that, which is what I wanted to see what he would do. If he didn't care he wouldn't say anything, because he's that way. When he doesn't care, he seriously does not care.
Basically, he went from being 26 all the way back to acting like a 15 year old boy when he met these "friends". So I just pray he snaps out of it. Oh and his "friends" range in age from 21-32 years old, and they all act like a bunch of hormonal pre-teens. Most of them are also married and have girlfriends, and the ones that don't complain all the time how lonely they are.... pathetic!
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You should read up on Zen Budism(No, that's not a joke, I'm serious) Budist monks are very keen on solitude and they have a disipline to it . it is VERY enlightening. This is good stuff,you will become a new person.
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A
female
reader, Doe Eyed Beauty  +, writes (4 October 2011):
Dear 'Solitude'- I felt compelled to answer you because I feel sorry that you have let your husband determine your value. You don't have to be rich to window shop, walk in the park, volunteer at a homeless shelter. These things will boost your confidence and give you a chance to interact with people. Who were you before you met your husband? These things will help you husband understand that he isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread.I can;t believe that he had the gall to tell you that, how dumb was he to marry you if you didn't have much value(He is lying!) You need to wake up realize you are in control of your own self-esteem. Also, you don't need to be alone. This is why he thinks he can do this to you. He is more than likely talking/experiencing other women online. Get a new hair color, work on your body and take care of yourself first. Go to oprah.com and check out some articles that deal with self esteem, goal setting and the like. Help your self! YOU ARE 1 in a MILLION! D.E.B.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (4 October 2011):
You can't heal while damage is still being done. Your husband being at home ignoring you is bad for you on many different levels as he is with holding what he knows you need, everybody needs. That itself is abusive. If you are not ready to leave the relationship than you are making a decision to continue to harm yourself. Don't lose hope in other people.. how is anybody going to love you for you when you don't love you? It's in there somewhere, don't let this selfish broken man brake you. Hints on being in solitude..you have to actually be in solitude. Having someone around you not paying attention to you is not solitude that would drive anybody crazy! And your husband knows what this does to you. Go be alone. Stay with a friend or relative for a while and see what its like to live around normal people who treat you like a human being. That will be therapeutic and start your healing as you need time away from the mistreatment. I know it is a hard step to take, but once you do things will start to get easier. Take your power back. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 It sounds to me like you are going in to some sort of depression. I understand that every body needs some alone time. It is very important. But it is also important to have people in our lives and to have an active social life. You say you don't mean that much to your husband? If that is the case and the marriage has broken down well then you shouldn't be together any more. You sound very unhappy and slightly jealous that he has a social life. Where is the communication in this marriage? Talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. I do worry when people say that they have giving up on finding other human beings that are caring and friendly. There are plenty of people out there that you can trust. Why are you struggling to trust people? Maybe you should go and talk to a counsellor or therapist about how you feel. Because it is a big concern.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 i think you will find this harder while you are still sharing the house with your husband. is it not possible that one of you can move out? you know what you need, time alone and it is good that you recognise this. some people would be desperately trying to get their husband back just to avoid being lonely, others would be desperate to get out and meet a new man just to replace him. it says something good about you that you wish to do neither.
making new friends might seem like the last thing you want to do or feel capable of doing while your self confidence has been trashed. do you have friends already? family?
can you find a hobby or interest that is affordable? getting together with friends and going walking is nice and costs nothing. take up reading. library books are free, self help books would be good and fiction ones for when you want to escape from your problems.
it is best to find the balance of spending time with others and having time on your own too. too much time on your own might not be such a good thing. you need nice things to look forward to, and not all activities have to be expensive
x
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