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How much did you regret not losing your virginity to your husband/wife?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 October 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 21 October 2011)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Did you regret not losing your virginity to the person you're married to? How much?

I'm torn between waiting until marriage (for religious and mostly nonreligious reasons) and just going for it with whoever I feel like. But I don't want to one day regret that decision, so I wanted to hear what you guys had to say.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2011):

I actually regret not having sex with more women when I was younger. I had a very idealized idea of what I thought my future wife would be like. Eventually I realized I was never going to meet my ideal woman, so I had sex with several women to see what it was like. But, I still hung on to the idea that sex would be "special" when I met the right person.

But, like most women in my general age bracket, my wife has had plenty of sexual experiences with plenty of men before me. If you've had great steak for dinner every night for 15 years, it just isn't all that "special" any more, even if you still like it. It can create an imbalence of sorts in a relationship when one person places more emotional value in sex as an expression of love than the other does. (I tried to devalue sex somewhat, but I wasn't nearly as succesful at it as my wife was)

But, you asked if other people regretted their past decisions, not what is right for you. What is right for one person might be completely wrong for someone else. Also, no one can predict the future. It is simply not possible for anyone to know if you will regret it in the future. But, abstaining isn't necesarily the "safe" choice. It's also possible to regret not having sex.

No choice is likely to be either completely "right" or completely "wrong" for you. You will never know for sure where the other path would have led.

Isn't life fun?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011):

I waited for my wife and I want to be with someone who waited for me. I do not look down on people who have sex, I do not judge them, but they are not the right people for me to date and marry. Virginity is one of the things that made me who I am today and I want to be with a wife who shares that path and that life experience I chose.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (18 October 2011):

CindyCares agony auntThen the terms of the question are slightly different and your doubt is not about saving yourself for marriage, it's : will I regret having let my first time happen during a casual,meaningless fling ? or maybe a one night stand ?

Then, well, ..maybe yes. Again, it depends if you are a type who is prone to regrets or not... but allow me a bit of old fashioned romanticism, perhaps your first time should be more exciting and memorable than " being done with your virginity ", as if you were going to the dentist to pull out a troublesome teeth.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've waited for myself, not because of what i think a future husband or guy will want. I worry that I'll regret having sex with some guy now when I'll meet someone in the future I'll want to marry/be with longterm. The thing is, Im not particularly concerned with being in a relationship now, but I'm ready to start having sex. The future regret holds me back though, and that's the issue.

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (17 October 2011):

person12345 agony auntI lost it at 16 to a friend with benefits, met my current boyfriend who I plan to stay with/marry at 19 and mostly don't regret not waiting. There's a little tiny amount of something, but not enough that I really give it much thought (only when asked) or regret it. If it feels right, go for it, if it doesn't, don't. You don't know when you will meet your partner so you don't want to miss out on fun relationships and experiences in the meantime.

And I second what CindyCares said, if you're worried a man won't respect a non-virgin wife, that's a fairly misogynistic and outdated approach. You should be with someone who doesn't hold sexist double standards and loves you for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011):

I was a virgin on my wedding night and I regret saving myself. I married an abusive man who put a prize on my virginity. Once that was gone, his interest was gone.

He was a very religious person and insisted on us waiting.

I always look back and wished my first experience was with my sweetheart at 16 years old.

I think there is too much emphasis on the value of virginity! Make the right choice for yourself and your own convictions-not for someone else.

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A male reader, unknown2u United States +, writes (17 October 2011):

There were three others before my wife for actual intercourse, and another that was 'everything but'. I don't regret those experiences, although some were certainly better than others. But I've been monogamous for 28 years now, and the Freudian slip of spelling that 'monotonous' is fully justified. I'm grateful to have the memories, particularly since long marriages inevitably have dry spells. And because my wife isn't particularly expressive, so knowing that I was able to make at least one girl scream (in a good way) makes me feel better sometimes.

I'll also fess up that when I got together with my future wife, when I was 20, I was still an immature hypocrite about this stuff -- that she was a virgin mattered to me. The thought of her doing anything with other guys drove me around the bend. Now I'm older and it's a fantasy, but that's another story.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (17 October 2011):

chigirl agony auntI guess this depends on what you envisage your future husband to be, and what kind of men you are about to meet in the future (which you have no idea of unless you have a crystal ball, but you might have a slight idea). If you want to marry a religious man who wants a virgin and who himself is a virgin then yeah, you'll regret it if you didn't wait for him.

But what happens if you stay a virgin until you meet a wonderful man who loves you, and he's not a virgin? Would you be fine with that? What if he, who isn't a virgin, doesn't care wether you are one or not? Will it seem like a waste to you then?

I think you should keep your virginity for your own sake, and not for the sake of any future husband, if that is what you want. If you only plan to keep your virginity just IN CASE you fall in love with a religious virgin man who wants only a virgin, then are you really staying true to yourself? And what if you do not meet this man, will it feel like you wasted your time trying to hold back the urges, when you might as well have had sex and enjoyed it too?

Where I come from we don't save ourselves. Savings yourself for marriage is close to unheard of around here, we're not that religious. And there are plenty who are religious but not extremists. So I didn't see a point really in saving myself either, and I've never met anyone who did. I do not think I will regret it if I get married, I haven't regretted it so far. I'm perfectly happy being a sexual individual with sexual needs and urges. But then again it all comes down to your personal views, doesn't it?

I think if you treat sex like a sin, and premarital sex in particular as a sin, then you'll regret it later on. But if you personally do not see premarital sex as a sin then why would you regret it later on?

There are some guys I regret fooling around with. Or not regret as such, I don't beat myself up over it, but I know I'd be better off had I stayed away, because they were just a bad experience. But that's how you learn isn't it? And even if I regret some encounters I do not regret being sexually active. If I hadn't had sex with the man I did end up having sex with the very first time, there'd have been another man I'd do it with instead. I sort of think that my first bloke should have been someone else, but I don't regret having sex. I just picked the wrong guy to have it with. But at the time I didn't know any better.

PS. my first guy was a friend of mine who I'd known for only some months, and as we were both virgins we didn't realize how much sex would change our friendship. It all went downhill from there are we didn't speak for years. Had we not had sex we might have still been great friends, but then again we might not have. Who knows?

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (17 October 2011):

jonas agony auntAlthough I'm a Christian, I never seriously thought of preserving until I met a jerk who nearly raped me. Somehow it kinda scarred me so I gave up hopes on dating until I met my husband. I was not ready for sex altho I was 34 then. So I told him honestly that I like to preserve myself till marriage. This stand made me scare off a lot of guys, also guys I used to like in the past but looking back no regrets because if a guy is serious about you, he would wait, he would not be pushy or threaten to find elsewhere. He wouldn't pressurize you into giving. Yes men have their needs but if he loves you, he wants you to be sure not because you have to.

It sounds to me that you are just not ready or not even sure. I would say, you gotta ask yourself if you love him enough to give him something very precious to you and end of the day whatever is the outcome, don't regret because you can't turn back the clock.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 October 2011):

CindyCares agony auntI was 25 when I met my husband, and my family was not religious, so no, I never even considered the idea of "saving " myself for a future husband that after all I could meet or not meet, how do you even know when you are 16 or 18 that you are surely going to be married ?...

As for regrets, personally I have no regrets for anything I have ever done in my life- ( and I have done some really stupid things ! ) but regret does not really belong to my vocabulary. I think that every mistake, every failures, every disappointment is vital, maybe even necessary in a life path. Every decision, right or wrong, mkaes you the person that you are in the present and even more the one you want to be in future. Without mistakes there is no learning and without learning there is no growth. So- again, personally- I think that having regrets is the most futile and stupid things that one can do ( except, perhaps, watching reality shows :)

But, of course, everybody is different, - if you have religious reasons to abstain, and if you BELIEVE in your religion, well, I think you should abstain, what's the point of embracing a religion if you then pick and choose among the rules the one you like and discard those that are too inconvenient to follow ? that's the opposite of faith, in religious terms. Faith is believing that what you are taught has a reason , a scope and a necessity even when if goes against your desires.

As for the non religious reasons, I'd be curious to know what exactly you mean. If it's something along the lines " men respect more a virgin wife " or " men expect to be the first and are disappointed when they aren't "... I just suggest you change your frequentations and hang out with a different kind of men- someone belonging to the 21st century, possibly.

I would also , just in case, state the obvious, i.e. that there is something in between saving yourself for marriage, and putting out for the first Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to ask. Something in between a lifetime, sacred committment- and just indulging frisky, acting up hormones.

Like, making love when you are ready , not one second before, with someone you love and trust and who, hopefully, loves and trusts you back.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 October 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI didn't meet my husband til I was 28. I have no regrets over my first BF.

If you aren't sure, then maybe waiting isn't such a bad idea.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011):

I'm not regretting. Do what's most important to you opinions will vary. I must add that having multiple sex partners does put a strain on the marriage IF the wife shares her sexual past. Men are curious to know only if she is virgin, he would rather not know if she's been with other men. I don't regret....I've only had one prior partner and we were engaged..

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