A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I meet a guy by chance at a coffee shop a few months ago, he gives me his number and we start dating. We date for a month, and then he just stops calling for no reason. I’m a bit bummed, because I really liked him… but it was still early in the game, I had heard he was fresh off a breakup, and he was clearly holding back something because after 6 dates he hadn’t tried to kiss me (even though I had every other reason to believe that he liked me and these were, in fact, dates). I pouted to myself for a bit, but was also partly relieved because I, too, had recently ended a relationship when I met him, and I figured I was really supposed to be 100% single right now anyway. Maybe we’d meet again one day, right?Fast forward 2 months, and he contacts me out of the blue, saying “I know it’s been a while…long story. But do you want to get a drink?” I try to stay casual and after some small talk he explains to me that his LOOOONG-term girlfriend left him last summer in a sort of dramatic way. With the way it ended, it seemed like it probably left a few things hanging for him. Then in the fall, he met me. Then, all of the sudden she shows up again with no money and no place to stay (I think it had been a while since she paid her fair share of rent and she didn’t exactly plan for her new expenses). At this point in the story he says “And I should’ve just said no… but when you’ve been with someone for that long, you know..? And I guess I was probably trying to give it another shot.” Anyway, it doesn’t last, they start fighting just like they did before they broke up. And he tells her to leave. I don’t know that they are No-Contact, but they are definitely not together anymore. Anyway, he contacts me, I assume not long after kicking her out. We get drinks, we meet up with mutual friends later in the week. The calling etc. hasn’t been as constant as before. I think another girl might be trying to date him (at least, she writes all over his facebook... then again I could just be paranoid because he seems like such a catch) I try to make an effort to text him first occasionally, seeing as one valid point he made when explaining his disappearance was “Well… you didn’t actually call me either, you know?” We’ve hung out a few times, we’re set to get dinner tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the night ends with a hug like all the ones before. I don’t want to be a rebound fling so I’m quite wary of making the first move physically. My question is: how much longer do I go with this whole dates-without-the-physical-side thing, before I should just resign myself to eternally being his ‘friend’? Should I even bring this kind of thing up? Or is patience and friendliness (with the occasional flirtation) the best policy?Thanks in advance and sorry it's so long :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): "How long should you wait in the ambiguous friends/dating zone, before you give up on the idea of a relationship?"
I'm going to give you advice based on your title alone.
Never, ever wait to make your romantic intentions known.
If you want a friendship then be a friend. If you want romance then be romantic, flirtatious and move things along from the get-go in that direction.
The reason I didn't read your question OP, is because I bet you my house (and it's a very nice house) that all the details of this, all the little things you're wrapping your mind around can be easily solved by being romantic from the start, doing what you're doing but not waiting for some special moment. If you're meeting for a date then call it a date. If you're interested in being more, make that known.
OP the people who wait around hoping things will happen on their own are the ones who complain the most how things never happen for them.
If you want something, then get it. If want something to happen then make it happen.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 "How long should you wait in the ambiguous friends/dating zone, before you give up on the idea of a relationship?"
Wait? Yo ushouldn't WAIT. You either pursue, or you give up and walk away. You never sit around and wait. Wait for what? For a miracle? For the heavens to speak to him and cast a shining light on you?
I'm not going to read all the details of your question because it all comes down to your last question/headline question. How long do you wait, do you bring the topic up, or do you continue with mild dlirtation and wait and see?
None of the above really. You purse, that's what you do. You pursue in the manner you feel is best, but straight forward tends to give the best result. Men can be clueless. You have to be more direct about what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2013): He went back to his ex, it didn't work out, then called you up again. All the while, not letting you know what was going on. You should let him do ALL the chasing now. Does he REALLY want you? If he does, he needs to show it. That is bad form to ditch you like that without a word. Personally, I wouldn't give the guy any more of my time.... You are worth more than that sort of treatment.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 January 2013):
You're not getting any answers because it's pretty hard to know what is going through his head in a time like this.
Did you guys have any chemistry or did it feel like you were just friends? If it was just a matter of things going well but without anything physical at the end, then the best advice I can give you is to make a move on him...
He wouldn't have called you again to just be friends. It's possible he's just out of practice and making a move has proven to be a little intimidating.
If you're unfamiliar/uncomfortable with making the first move, rest assured that women have it easy in that department. You can pretty much do whatever you want (within reason) and he'll be happy. A kiss on the cheek during the date, sitting next to him and touching your leg to his, pulling his jacket (and him with it) close to you and asking him if he's going to kiss you, whatever.
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